Boyfriend wants an abortion - sorry, horribly long

[milliekate]

I just need a little advice, basically. I am 33 and have a new boyfriend, of just 3 months. He is 38.

It was all going swimmingly - really swimmingly - until last week he suddenly became very weird
and accused me of being secretive. I was completely baffled. We talked about it, got nowhere. While I went to the loo he took my phone and read my text messages and emails (he has my passcode
from a few weeks, for some forgotten reason - but I trusted him!). He sees a couple of messages
to male friends which he has misconstrued and we had a blazing row. Apart from the fact that he
should not read my phone, which he has since apologised for and so on, we got into other stuff and we basically broke up that day.
On that day I suspected I was pregnant despite not missing my pill - I am sure. I told him how I felt and he said let's put aside the
argument, it's miniscule compared to a possible pregnancy. A couple of days later, I do a test
and yes, it's positive. I'm just under 6 wks pg.

I had an abortion two years ago and while I have never regretted it, it has haunted and disturbed me since in ways
that have surprised me despite the fact that intellectually
and politically I so support it.

The complication is that his mother died very messily in May, his father not long before. While he seems 'ok',
he is patently still grieving. In that sense I do feel bad he is in this situation.

He says he has never wanted a child because he has so many things he wants to do, that he spent much
of his life not doing these things (for various reasons) and now wants to.
And then he said that his reasons are basically selfish and that he does not want to spend his time caring for a child.

Which is odd because whenever we encountered children together he would be very sweet and he very frequently brought them up in conversation. And when he realised that after 6 weeks or so you could
see a heartbeat, he was taken aback and quite moved. Which I find a little hypocritical.

I have had an initial consultation, with him, at Marie Stopes. I have also been to an Early Preg. Unit
as MS could not find the embryo initially and were concerned it was ectopic. Throughout, and every day, he has
been present, kind, attentive, sympathetic - essentially as he should be, and perfect, blah blah.

I do not know that I can go ahead with the decision to have a termination. It feels deeply deeply disturbing, and
I do not feel - yet - I have made the choice entirely myself. I feel that if he and I were to talk more, perhaps I would
feel able to do so. But I find it hard to talk with him and keep avoiding him.

I want this baby more than anything. I have wanted a baby since my late 20s, and while no time is completely right,
I have quashed the broodiness or postponed. I don't think I can do that any longer. I want a baby pretty badly.

I feel bad 'coercing' another person into parenthood, but right now I feel I and my welfare are just as / more important.

I asked the other day why he didn't just have a vasectomy and he said that he had been asked that before
but that he didn't like to have unnecessary surgery, and would rather take precautions (though we just used my pill).
What about the abortion - suddenly that's a unnecessary operation in some respects?!

My reasons for hesitating are
1, I don't earn much money though do ok,
2, I am about to retrain
as a doctor in a year's time though the combination of study and childcare does not put me off!,
3, I do feel bad pushing someone into parenthood... I can't work out if this is a general belief on my part or if I am just being
overly romantic, and
4, I feel bad for the baby... born into this situation, and 5, I am scared of being alone with the baby - can I do it?
I have great friends and family but essentially I am on my own.

I know there is a chance he will come round - so many men seem to in this situation, once they see the baby or realise the reality?
But I know I cannot rely on this and must risk him not doing so.

Sorry this is so ridiculously long.
I've had exams and now my head is whirling around, I'm sitting alone and trying to know what to do,
searching my soul.

My final hesitation is that I think he in some ways he is a being a idiot and do I want to have a child by such a person...
I want this baby from the bottom of my heart but am scared.
Perhaps it's just the hormones confusing me, and I can't see clearly!
Would be so grateful for any advice.

I have never been in your situation so am not qualified to answer.

BUT

The only thing I can offer is that a voice is telling you something, in your head and I have realised that listening to that voice is all you can do. You have to trust your instincts and not take on guilt or issues from another person.

If you want the baby I think it would be very sad for you to terminate. Equally, I think it would be foolish to believe that he will "come round" if you have the baby. He may but, equally, he may well not.

If I were you, I would make the decision based on what I wanted but also assume that this may well mean that if I decided to keep the baby that I would be doing so alone.

In fact, that is pretty much what happened to me although DD's (3) father is sometimes around for her. I absolutely do not regret my decision but it's bloody hard work doing it alone.

I don't mean to be harsh but at 33 if you do want children can you afford to be wasting time with someone who doesn't. I'm only 24 but if my DH hadn't wanted children there would have been no relationship (what would be the point if it couldn't be long-term?)

I think really you need to decide what you want more, him or the baby? Having your first is scary, you're not silly to be scared, and there probably won't ever be a perfect time. Also do you think you would actually be capable of getting rid of a baby you desperately wanted, I know I wouldn't be! Good luck whatever you decide.

Thank you all.

Asouthwoldmummy, not harsh, you are right - I finished a relationship in my 20s for this very reason. With this current person, at 3 months the topic of children had only just come up - without the pregnancy, it would have been enough for me to leave him had I heard it subsequently... :(

well, as others have said, this is really about you and the baby. whatever happens with him isn't guaranteed, whatever your decision is - so you have to make up your own mind re the pg, and whatever hapeens with him will happen as a consequence.

it makes no sense to use him as the rationale for your decision, whatever your expectations for him are.

you have to make your own mind up, and then see what happens with him as a result. he may stay or go whatever your decision is.

If you want it then have it - you're 33 not 15. But I dont think you'll be able to retrain as a doctor - am sure there will be a person out there who has done it but as a single parent it will be incredibly hard.

I dont think you are pushing him into parenthood though - you may make the decision to make him a biological father but it doesnt make him a parent - only he can do that iyswim.

I want to give you a hug and say,at the end of the day its your decision and you should do what your heart tells you.

Being a mum is never easy I was scared like you and had my doubts, but I dont regret it for one moment its hard I wont lie but I was lucky my dp supported me and we are still togther, but its been worth it.

I have had an abortion I know it was the hardest thing I have ever done, I went through it alone the hardest thing was being told my baby would not make it full term due that was my reason for abortion due to medical problems,went on to have 2 miscarriages and then met my dp and had two beautiful dc's who I had my fair share of problems with,all is well now.

What im trying to say is its your decision and you have to do whats best for you and your circumstances thats all, all the best to what ever you decide,either decision will be hard.

Milliekate you must be feeling a hundred different emotions right now. I feel for you.

I do not know that I can go ahead with the decision to have a termination. It feels deeply deeply disturbing, and I do not feel - yet - I have made the choice entirely myself. I feel that if he and I were to talk more, perhaps I woul feel able to do so. But I find it hard to talk with him and keep avoiding him.

This stood out for me in your op

It's really important that you have that conversation with him about this. I think you know what you want, you just need to know how he feels about it.

Who else knows in rl?

If you don't want an abortion, then don't have one.

But you'll need to accept that the consequence of that decision is that you will, as you put it, be on your own.

I've been in something like your situation (previously married to xh who didn't want children, pregnant at 33 with a very new partner).

There seem to be so many other strands going on here. But your post says very strongly that you would like to have this child. Given that, it really doesn't sound like termination is the way you want to go.

There are a lot of strands though. What medical school are you going to? Is there a part-time option there, or could you defer the place for another year? I'm in my final year of a full-time degree which I started when ds was 3, and I have to say it was H - A - R - D despite having a very present DH who was working at home for most of it. No regrets though.

I have never been able to imagine what it would be like bringing up a child alone - why not have a scroll through the single parents' board here? and the student parents' board?

Whatever you decide, it sounds like you have a lot of talking to do about the relationship, boundaries etc. I know that a friend of mine who lost her mother five years ago is still grieving, I do feel for you both.

You are all kind - and wise. Thank you.

Zombishambles, you are probably right about the doctor-ing...I have 18 months before I start but it would be very hard, however much support and energy a person has.

Delphi, my close girlfriends know. I have spoken with him directly about how he feels and twice forced him to say, categorically, what his feelings are. I needed to hear them.

I got the answers I mentioned - that he says he feels selfishly and wants to do things eg certain work and travel things that a child will stop him doing, and that he has never wanted to have children particularly.

He says it with no conviction and I don't quite believe him, but I am not getting into guessing games and we are adults - I have to accept his word, to a large extent.

In a more normal relationship I would feel we could keep discussing the pg - but the heaviness and awkwardness of the argument that happened just before still hangs over us somehow, and unresolved. His point is we can talk about those issues in weeks, or months - but not now... So we descend into practicalities.

Yes there are a lot of strands.

MK, try to tap in to the more consistent thoughts and feelings in you - they're in there somwhere. Don't be afraid to focus on you and your long-term happiness.

Maktaitai, thanks.

I'm going to med school in London as a graduate - sorry not to identify further but just in case anyone reads this. They are very sympathetic and amenable to parents and I could probably defer a year - I just worry about my age, on both that count and re. fertility/children!

I have much respect for you completing your degree when your DS was so little.

I did have a look at the single parents' board - and tbh, it made me face facts a little more. But I am pretty susceptible in both directions at the moment (pathetic) and for perhaps the first time ever, unable to just listen to the voice in my head - ack.

It sounds to me like you're already very committed to this baby and far less committed to your partner. Which is a reasonable and understandable response - he sounds like bloody hard work, to be honest.

So - if you go ahead, as I think you will, you'll do so accepting of the fact that it may well be on your own. And of course you'll cope - lots of women cope. It's not easy, but it's certainly doable. You sound clued up and sensible; I think you'll be fine.

Millie - as I have already said I am not qualified to advise you but I would say that no man is worth giving up something that you feel you want.

You say you're unable to listen to the voice in your head, so take as much time as you can but please ask yourself this, if he is saying he isn't sure about having children, he may still be saying this in years to come.

If you weren't pregnant, how would you feel about his point of view on children?

not sure i have any advice as its a decision only you can make but I just wanted to let you know medicine is possible as a mum. I had my first son ( unplanned) as a medical student. It was very hard but i was lucky enough to have support from my now husband. ( He was in the navy though at that point so I was juggling studies and childcare alone lots). I have 3 children now and I'm close to completely the GP training scheme. apart from maternity leave I've worked full time throughout.... it is doable but ideally you need someone to help with childcare at times when childminders/ nurseries arent open. a husband/ partner is great but a sister/ mum/ really good friend would do just as well

I think you need to decide what YOU want.... bearing mind you may be doing it alone.
good luck
Lucy

You'll probably never resolve that argument and now everything's changed anyway. I think your starting point is the pregnancy: You want a child, and you're pregnant by a man you know for three months. Think about what's really stopping you from continuing the pregnancy, and remember that the decision is yours.

One thing I can definitely say is do not go through with a termination if there is any doubt in your mind. Although I'm pretty sure you know that and that's one of the reasons you posted.
I'm glad you have close rl friends who know and can support you.

Don't feel coerced into having a termination that you don't want and will regret.

You would not be forcing him into parenthood. Your pregnancy happened despite your precautions not for lack of them. You have to start from where you are, not where he would like you to be.

Personally, I don't like the sound of this guy, he sounds controlling, seriously fucked up and tbh, at this early stage in the relationship I'd be setting land speed records to get the hell away from him.

I would NOT, ever want to be bonded to him or life for the sake of a child.

You are 33 you are not 83, You have plenty of time to find someone who is not as bonkers as this guy clearly is.

To have child together you have to at least start from a feeling of trust, love and hope.

Lilms you're right - to have a child with someone there must be mutual love, trust and hope.
But there is another option which is that a woman can make an informed decision to go through with a pregnancy without a partner.
Just my opinion.

You've only known him 3 months - this is no time at all. You say you've wanted a baby for years. As everyone has said, you have to face doing it as a single parent but don't have a termination for his sake; only do it if you feel it's the right thing for you.

I agree it's not great to drag someone into parenthood unwillingly but if you differ in opinions then someone inevitably doesn't get their way. And it's not as if you deliberately planned it to catch him out. Just one of those things. Make your own decisions and go your own way, and let him do the same.

"Last week he suddenly went very weird and accused me of being secretive"

So that was enough to set off alarm bells and make you consider ending a very new relationship. Now your very reasonable questioning of his character has been disrupted by the discover of your pregnancy.

If you continue the pregnancy and he buggers off to enjoy his adventures you may be better off in the long run than have him hanging about resentfully trying to control who you talk to, spying on you and going weird again and having blazing rows.

If you have this baby leave him out of it, he spells trouble!

You don't have to continue the relationship with this man even if you do choose to have your child.

I married a man - became deliberately pregnant with our first child - he said he wanted a child with me - then I found out about his "philandering" ways (multiple "affairs" and one-night-stands) and I chose to end the relationship with him (at 6 months pregnant)...I have brought that child up on my own - he then chose not to have anything to do with the child - to the point of not even paying maintenance or acknowledging her existence in any way!

My child is perfectly lovely and fine (nearly and adult now!).

Just to say - he might not think he wants a child - that's fine - it's your baby and you should have it if you want it.

I started out with a man who wanted a child - and then because I wouldn't accept him and his behaviour (once I found out about it!) dissapeared out of our lives anyway.

Nobody can perfectly predict how life will work out.

I also know a couple of really lovely women - who desperately wanted to be with the right man - and have a child - through their 20's they both had abortions - because the man involved wasn't right - or he didn't want a child. They are now in their 40's and childless - never met the right man. I know they would dearly have loved to be mums - they had chances but didn't take them - becuase the circumstances weren't right for them at the times - and now it's too late for them.

You can choose to have this baby as a lone parent - this is not necessarily a bad thing - I found it very rewarding and enjoyable. I've never regretted having the child. Honestly. AND it doesn't mean you won't meet the right man and have children with him too in the future either.

Don't have the termination just because he really wants you to - if you have doubt you shouldn't do it. Men are like buses - they come and go - if he's not right for you so be it. If you want this child have your child.

Thank you, all of you - so much.

This is so reassuring and so helpful - despite everything I feel somehow cheered!