Boyfriend wants an abortion - sorry, horribly long

[milliekate]

I just need a little advice, basically. I am 33 and have a new boyfriend, of just 3 months. He is 38.

It was all going swimmingly - really swimmingly - until last week he suddenly became very weird
and accused me of being secretive. I was completely baffled. We talked about it, got nowhere. While I went to the loo he took my phone and read my text messages and emails (he has my passcode
from a few weeks, for some forgotten reason - but I trusted him!). He sees a couple of messages
to male friends which he has misconstrued and we had a blazing row. Apart from the fact that he
should not read my phone, which he has since apologised for and so on, we got into other stuff and we basically broke up that day.
On that day I suspected I was pregnant despite not missing my pill - I am sure. I told him how I felt and he said let's put aside the
argument, it's miniscule compared to a possible pregnancy. A couple of days later, I do a test
and yes, it's positive. I'm just under 6 wks pg.

I had an abortion two years ago and while I have never regretted it, it has haunted and disturbed me since in ways
that have surprised me despite the fact that intellectually
and politically I so support it.

The complication is that his mother died very messily in May, his father not long before. While he seems 'ok',
he is patently still grieving. In that sense I do feel bad he is in this situation.

He says he has never wanted a child because he has so many things he wants to do, that he spent much
of his life not doing these things (for various reasons) and now wants to.
And then he said that his reasons are basically selfish and that he does not want to spend his time caring for a child.

Which is odd because whenever we encountered children together he would be very sweet and he very frequently brought them up in conversation. And when he realised that after 6 weeks or so you could
see a heartbeat, he was taken aback and quite moved. Which I find a little hypocritical.

I have had an initial consultation, with him, at Marie Stopes. I have also been to an Early Preg. Unit
as MS could not find the embryo initially and were concerned it was ectopic. Throughout, and every day, he has
been present, kind, attentive, sympathetic - essentially as he should be, and perfect, blah blah.

I do not know that I can go ahead with the decision to have a termination. It feels deeply deeply disturbing, and
I do not feel - yet - I have made the choice entirely myself. I feel that if he and I were to talk more, perhaps I would
feel able to do so. But I find it hard to talk with him and keep avoiding him.

I want this baby more than anything. I have wanted a baby since my late 20s, and while no time is completely right,
I have quashed the broodiness or postponed. I don't think I can do that any longer. I want a baby pretty badly.

I feel bad 'coercing' another person into parenthood, but right now I feel I and my welfare are just as / more important.

I asked the other day why he didn't just have a vasectomy and he said that he had been asked that before
but that he didn't like to have unnecessary surgery, and would rather take precautions (though we just used my pill).
What about the abortion - suddenly that's a unnecessary operation in some respects?!

My reasons for hesitating are
1, I don't earn much money though do ok,
2, I am about to retrain
as a doctor in a year's time though the combination of study and childcare does not put me off!,
3, I do feel bad pushing someone into parenthood... I can't work out if this is a general belief on my part or if I am just being
overly romantic, and
4, I feel bad for the baby... born into this situation, and 5, I am scared of being alone with the baby - can I do it?
I have great friends and family but essentially I am on my own.

I know there is a chance he will come round - so many men seem to in this situation, once they see the baby or realise the reality?
But I know I cannot rely on this and must risk him not doing so.

Sorry this is so ridiculously long.
I've had exams and now my head is whirling around, I'm sitting alone and trying to know what to do,
searching my soul.

My final hesitation is that I think he in some ways he is a being a idiot and do I want to have a child by such a person...
I want this baby from the bottom of my heart but am scared.
Perhaps it's just the hormones confusing me, and I can't see clearly!
Would be so grateful for any advice.

Good luck Milliekate, whatever you decide. Thinking of you xx

There are a lot of people sending you every good wish.

Really, make it easier on yourself, and stop trying to guess what this man is thinking or feeling. The only thing that matters is you.

He is a big boy and can, and in fact must, deal with his own part of all this by himself.

Will you please update us, whatever your decision [hsmile]

You need to concentrate on you, and getting some sleep this week, your body seems to be telling you to take time off from big decision making at the moment...

Take care,Please keep us posted, whenever you can x

OP....I see good things for you. xxxx

wishing you the best of luck I think its important to limit the turmoil this is causing if that is possible and allow some of that numbness to set in for a few days untill your blood preasure settles, do what you can to switch off and relax. have a break from [d]p and when you are less nervy make your decission and role with it. vderbalise that decission to someone you trust and see how it really feels. I found that helped me alot to stop the other availible option poping back into the mix. I remember when I told my sister that I was pregnant, she didnt exactly congatulate me at first but was there every step of the way, but i did congratualtions from people and that felt good. if for instance you decide not to go ahead with it then maybe seek some counceling prior to the prcedure. hope you feel better soon and keep in touch. xx

Yeah second everything said above, whatever you decide, it'll be OK, you will get through, you will be fine.

From what I have gathered from what you have written, this is my advice:

Be Brave (you'll need strength and bravery if you're going to be a mum)

Have the baby (you evidently badly want to)

Ditch (release) the man

Thank you so much for your support.

I've been trying to face facts and realise that while I can't depend on him I need to be able to depend on something.

My parents are about to leave London and while I know they would be adoring and wonderful with any grandchild, and are incredibly generous, giving and full of energy, leaving and setting up a new life is their plan.
My friends will be incredibly supportive but are not in a position to help, practically - they all have mega-busy jobs etc.

This, plus a lack of money, worries me - but are these real concerns? I just have no idea.
Of course more money is better, to an extent, but I do not have much and once training as a doctor (in a year's time or more if I defer), I will have no more, perhaps less. Does this matter?

With a partner around, I wouldn't worry. But assuming - and planning - for the worst, that I will be on my own: should these things make me think twice about having the baby?

Sorry to be so overly and overtly pragmatic - in a sense I am trying to get the facts and practicalities of the situation straight so that I can move on and focus on the elements that matter. I need to make sure I can take responsibility practically speaking, before I make the emotional decision.

x

Okay. Picture yourself at 40. Which would you regret more, not having this baby or any baby? Or not being a Doctor but having this baby?

I'm not saying you can't have both, but it might just help you see clearly which is most important for you.

Thanks mummytime. In all honesty I can't see enough at the moment to answer that... hmm.

I recognise that I have some years of fertility left, and so on, but it's hard to see beyond this pregnancy - maybe it's the hormones!

You are right that it in a sense it does come down to this.

you can be a mother and a dr and live on a budget, im not working at the moment as i resigned to study, and sold my home. i didnt make much from my sell enough to pay rent for 5 months and chip away at a credit card bill, i still have some debt but also manage to feed and clothe my dd very well, i buy a mix of second hand and new clothes and she has more than most children i know, coz im great at spotting a bargain. pretty much most babies regardless of family income get hand me downs and you get good at finding bargins at the nca nearly new sales. lol. anyway you can do your training you and i both will be in the same boat as im doing my degree next year so can will each other on with a bit of moral support. at the end of the day all you need is a roof over your head,and the means to feed a child and your self. its a struggle at the worst but never a slogg.

You can do it, you can.

Yopu cannot make this decision based on anyone else - ie friends and parents.

I was never having children.

I then moved back to where I was from after being away for ten years and in a shit relationship. Got a job and then went on a dating site and had the time of my life. After a couple of months met DH and it all moved so quickly, after 4.5 months I was pregant and then we were married!! So i didn't have chance to make any new friends, DH had just moved to the area and so the only people i really knew were my parents and sister.

That was 4 years ago, DS is adorable and i cannot imagine my life without him, DH and I STILL do not have any friends and it is incredibly hard - so yes, although we do have each other, I am at home on my own with DS and DH goes to work, so it can still be incredibly hard. But DS makes it all worth while. Would I change anything? Not a thing! We just aim to move and be nearer people I know and in a nicer place - whgich we will do one day

This is all about YOU and your unborn baby, NO ONE else at all.

hmm how many time should i say incredibly hard?! sorry!

I don't know about funding while you are training,would you not get a bit more if you have a dependent?.. Is there anyone where you train, who you can ask?

Please don't feel pressured into an abortion. Think carefully about what is best for you, not him. If you decide that it's the right decision for you, so be it.

I know two people who had children as single parents while studying / building careers. One had her DD at 17, did her A Levels, degree, masters and PGCE without parental support and is now a headteacher (this was all when there was far less support for young mums).

The other fell pregnant from a one night stand, had had two terminations in the past and couldn't face another. She had her DD, moved to London, went from HofD to Assistant head and her DD is still only three years old!

Both women made the decision to have their kids on their own and even though it was hard, they still managed to build their careers.

for me doing sw i get all fees paid and only have to pay back half student loan...and a tiny bursary, income support child tax credit. local housing allowance (means tested on grant and bursary) and council tax benifit.

We got all of our stuff second hand and some of it fantastic! It really doesn't have to cost a bomb at all - leave that to others then snap up a bargain!

Money is useless if you are unhappy anyway

In relation to money, yes of course it is going to be easier if you have lots of the stuff but it is not the most important thing. A baby needs food, clothes and love and you will be able to provide that whether you are studying or not.

I certainly do not have extra money but who needs expensive cots and £500 prams? A baby doesn't care as long as it's warm and well fed. I am going to make full use of my friends whose children are a bit older and scrounge as much kit of them as possible and the rest can mostly be bought from ebay/charity shops. I agree that money can be a problem and make things harder but it should not be the deciding factor in this.

I also appreciate that you feel there will be a lack of support. My friends will do bits and pieces I suppose but not a lot. My stepdad is ill and my mother will be looking after him rather than my child. They also live 1.5hours drive away from me so popping in for an hour or so for a break is not an option. Again, makes things harder but people do it with less support than this. All the time.

At the end of the day, if you had the baby you would find a way to manage all these things. We all cope when things are hard because we have no choice.

to be honest i had some support but you know you cant relly on others for every thing and nether will you want to as long as know you have someone to call in a crisis, and we all need that wether we have a child or not. I was so wrapped up in the enjoyment of it and too bloody busy coping with the difficulties to have time to ask anyone for support. lol

And don't forget, there's always us lot for support and advice!

'I want this baby from the bottom of my heart but am scared'

we all are, all of us whether it be a planned or unplanned baby.

I met a lady in the queue in marks and spencers a few weeks ago. I had my new 2 week old ds with me and my 3 others ranging from 9 to 22 months - she admired the baby and cooed over him for ages and told me how lucky I was to have so many beautiful children (most people gently mention I must be mad to have so many).

Anyhow, I thanked her very much and then she told me that she had waited and waited for everything to be right in her life and just ran out of time as when she did get round to trying for a baby it didn't happen and she was childless.

I did everything right, had a baby and then got married (yes maybe not in right order)and then a second lovely daughter. However, through no fault of my own my marriage broke up and it all went to hell with me being a single parent, scarily poor etc etc. However, I met someone lovely and have had 2 sons with him and we are very happy.

In essence what I want to say is the best laid plans can fuck up. The most unfortunate situations can be the biggest blessings.

I think your decision is made. Logic and all that will not override it. Being scared is the rules, it is how it is.

You sound like a lovely thoughtful person but direct some of that care towards yourself, let the boyfriend take care of himself, he too is frightened but not your responsibility.

If someone had told me how wonderful my life was going to end up I would never have believed them. All the plans I had have gone out of the window and have been replaced with something so much better.

How are you now milliekate?