Boyfriend wants an abortion - sorry, horribly long

[milliekate]

I just need a little advice, basically. I am 33 and have a new boyfriend, of just 3 months. He is 38.

It was all going swimmingly - really swimmingly - until last week he suddenly became very weird
and accused me of being secretive. I was completely baffled. We talked about it, got nowhere. While I went to the loo he took my phone and read my text messages and emails (he has my passcode
from a few weeks, for some forgotten reason - but I trusted him!). He sees a couple of messages
to male friends which he has misconstrued and we had a blazing row. Apart from the fact that he
should not read my phone, which he has since apologised for and so on, we got into other stuff and we basically broke up that day.
On that day I suspected I was pregnant despite not missing my pill - I am sure. I told him how I felt and he said let's put aside the
argument, it's miniscule compared to a possible pregnancy. A couple of days later, I do a test
and yes, it's positive. I'm just under 6 wks pg.

I had an abortion two years ago and while I have never regretted it, it has haunted and disturbed me since in ways
that have surprised me despite the fact that intellectually
and politically I so support it.

The complication is that his mother died very messily in May, his father not long before. While he seems 'ok',
he is patently still grieving. In that sense I do feel bad he is in this situation.

He says he has never wanted a child because he has so many things he wants to do, that he spent much
of his life not doing these things (for various reasons) and now wants to.
And then he said that his reasons are basically selfish and that he does not want to spend his time caring for a child.

Which is odd because whenever we encountered children together he would be very sweet and he very frequently brought them up in conversation. And when he realised that after 6 weeks or so you could
see a heartbeat, he was taken aback and quite moved. Which I find a little hypocritical.

I have had an initial consultation, with him, at Marie Stopes. I have also been to an Early Preg. Unit
as MS could not find the embryo initially and were concerned it was ectopic. Throughout, and every day, he has
been present, kind, attentive, sympathetic - essentially as he should be, and perfect, blah blah.

I do not know that I can go ahead with the decision to have a termination. It feels deeply deeply disturbing, and
I do not feel - yet - I have made the choice entirely myself. I feel that if he and I were to talk more, perhaps I would
feel able to do so. But I find it hard to talk with him and keep avoiding him.

I want this baby more than anything. I have wanted a baby since my late 20s, and while no time is completely right,
I have quashed the broodiness or postponed. I don't think I can do that any longer. I want a baby pretty badly.

I feel bad 'coercing' another person into parenthood, but right now I feel I and my welfare are just as / more important.

I asked the other day why he didn't just have a vasectomy and he said that he had been asked that before
but that he didn't like to have unnecessary surgery, and would rather take precautions (though we just used my pill).
What about the abortion - suddenly that's a unnecessary operation in some respects?!

My reasons for hesitating are
1, I don't earn much money though do ok,
2, I am about to retrain
as a doctor in a year's time though the combination of study and childcare does not put me off!,
3, I do feel bad pushing someone into parenthood... I can't work out if this is a general belief on my part or if I am just being
overly romantic, and
4, I feel bad for the baby... born into this situation, and 5, I am scared of being alone with the baby - can I do it?
I have great friends and family but essentially I am on my own.

I know there is a chance he will come round - so many men seem to in this situation, once they see the baby or realise the reality?
But I know I cannot rely on this and must risk him not doing so.

Sorry this is so ridiculously long.
I've had exams and now my head is whirling around, I'm sitting alone and trying to know what to do,
searching my soul.

My final hesitation is that I think he in some ways he is a being a idiot and do I want to have a child by such a person...
I want this baby from the bottom of my heart but am scared.
Perhaps it's just the hormones confusing me, and I can't see clearly!
Would be so grateful for any advice.

sorry about typos.

I think you want to have the baby. It might be your last chance. If the relationship falls apart so be it - it will def. fall apart if you have the abortion anyway.

Listen to your heart - you want this baby.

Dump him, keep your baby. Sad but you knoe he's being a knob. I kept my dd. She's amazing. He's not but hey- who is he anyway?

BTW- I'm absoluteltely pro dads and all that.

The prob was he wasn't being pro dad but that's his prob etc.

Some really inspiring stories on this thread. xxx to all.

I haven't read all the replies, so sorry if I'm repeating, but the important thing here is to to do what YOU want, and not to dwell too much on his feelings.

That may sound harsh, but I have a friend who came to me years ago, in the same situation as you. her DP had kids by a previous partner, but did not want more, She DID want the baby, I could tell, but she agreed to the abortion because it was "the only way" (his words). She wouldn't entertain the idea of leaving him and doing it herself. Fast forward several years, they were still together. She still wanted a baby. They got engaged. She got pregnant. She had the baby. 2 years later they spilt up. So she is in exactly the situation she would have been in (actually more complicated, but it's a long story) then, only 10 years down the line. Don't let him make the decision for you, do what YOU think is the right thing, for you.

Oh you poor thing. Follow your heart...

I did, my wonderful oldest daughter is 13 now and her Dad advised me against and wanted nothing to do with the baby. He came back into her life age 2 (not him, but he might as well have been) and I was a single Mum for 8 years. My daughter made me.

Good luck xxxx

p.s. I went on and met my person and have now dd2 aged 2!

Have your baby, you want it. This may be your last chance. This may sound harsh but you aren't getting any younger and if you left it until you finished the course and/or waited for the right man, it could be too late

Tell your ex that you are keeping the baby whether he is involved or not. He may come around, he may not, but that's his decision. That's his guilt to feel. You can explain to your DC about him but they need to know who he is.

Can i ask if you have met his family? How do you think they would react/feel about the baby? Would they be able to help with chilcare or support you etc?
Im sure you will have support from family/ friends but millions of women do it. It can be done.

Good luck whatever you decide, but I think you know deep down what you want and it shouldn't be him that tells you what to do
x

Yes, have your baby and bin the man, he sounds like a loser. He may grow up and be an acceptable co-parent at a later date, or he may not.

Yes, math I agree, some wonderfully inspiring stories here from sandsad, itwascertainly and allhallows.
What lovely, lovely ladies.
MK come back and tell us how you are. Wishing you all the best.

Dearest all:

Wow. When I first wrote my original post I never, ever expected any of this.
I'm blown away by your bravery, your spirit - and your encouragement and warmth towards me.
Thank you so much.

He and I spent yesterday talking. I'm not sure how much was achieved but things are calmer.
I am still terribly conflicted, not least because he said yesterday that he is upset by the idea of an
abortion and keeps thinking about the embryo we saw - long story, but I had to go the early preg.
unit at the hospital as they were worried it was ectopic. At the EPU I had an internal scan with a
great research fellow registrar who saw the embryo and of course that scanning process was far
lengthier and more in depth than the standard Marie Stopes one, and of course
you are not 'shielded' from the view of the ultrasound - in fact, the opposite. So, my partner and I both saw
the embryo very clearly, not least because the doctor wanted to show us what there was.
So he, my semi-boyfriend, says he keeps thinking about that and how it's making him sad.
Which of course is weird for me to hear, in different ways - and not a little WTF.

He admits that had he not grabbed my phone and seen these messages he has totally misconstrued,
things would be 'different' because we would be more together, or constantly together as he put it.
He means, we would be hugging and kissing and so on and so forth. As it is there is a lot of warmth
and things are much better but they are not as they would be if we didn't have the argument. (And in answer to the questions about the passcode,
he had had it because he sorted out some software on it while we were together and I was doing something else

• I suppose it's quite memorable but I agree is slightly odd he remembered).

Anyway - I just wanted to update you all. Today is a memorial for a close friend but I will write again. My mind is still a-swirling - but I am very inspired, and encouraged, and extremely touched.
Thank you all, so much.

Hi,

I've just found out I am 7 weeks pregnant. My boyfriend and I have only been together for 5 months or so. It was not planned, I am a student nurse, I am skint, he is too although has just started a new job so slightly better.
He told me, helpfully, that it was my decision and refused to give any opinion on which he would like. I considered abortion but decided against it. I am very strongly pro choice but there was too much doubt in my mind to do it. I didn't want to make the biggest mistake of my life.
I felt horribly guilty telling him that I wanted to keep it - like I was forcing something upon him but it IS my decision, he could bugger off is he so chooses, it's going to me be looking after this baby if he does.

If YOU want this baby, and at 33, after having had one abortion already then I'm sure you know that you want it, then HAVE IT! I think you need to sit down and have a really serious talk. Tell him you need to know what he's going to do, not whether he feels "sad" or not. He needs to man up and take responsibility. However, you also need to reconcile youself with the fact that he may not and then you will have to be extra strong and go it alone. Plenty of people do this and are amazing mothers with happy, healthy children.

Please please don't have an abortion you don;t want because some guy tells you to. If he pushes it tell him to F**K off!! Either way, it's going to be YOU who deals with the fall out.

Good luck xxx

Nursesunshine - you do get 45 weeks maternity leave with full bursary you know? And if you decide to leave the course you don't have to pay it back.

I want this baby more than anything.

this says it all to me

everything else is just details

with him, without him, with his blessing, without it (who gives a shit, btw)

like someone else said...ditch the bloke, keep the baby

play his involvement by ear, perhaps he will be a man and be a proper co-parent for your child together, perhaps he won't

it wouldn't stop me from having the baby, if it was something that I felt so strongly about

Milliekate, many, many people have babies as single parents.

You and he have all the time in the world to work out your relationship, whether or not it develops into one of love, or as parents to your child, or if he runs to the hills.

If you want this baby you can, and you will not be alone. It will make life more complicated, because babies do whatever your circumstances.

Married men in stable relationships will still panic and want to run away at the prospect of fatherhood.

Try to take him out of the decision making process and focus, for now, on what you want. Keep it simple. Do you want this baby or not? You've said you do, very much. Ultimately you will be the one left holding the baby, so to speak, should he leg it (and I do think you should give him the option, he has his decisions to make as much as you do). I don't think this is a decision you make together.

Having made the decision I think you will feel a massive sense of relief. From there it is all practicalities, that is all. The hard bit has been done.

I hope the memorial went OK. Perhaps it gave you a sense of what life is really about - my aunty died when I found out I was PG with my eldest, and in a way it confirmed my resolution to carry on with the pregnancy.

Come back and tell us how you are. x

With regards the the career plan I know a few people who had babies as medical students or just before they went to medical school - 2 of them were single parents, and it worked out well for them. It meant that they were doing JHO/SHO jobs with a 5/6+ year old child, which seemed a lot easier than people trying to do it with a baby.

Hi, Only skim read the responses and you've had some fab ones, very inspiring.

I had to tell you my story as you having seen the embryo on the screen was quite poignant to me.

I was with an ex on and off for years, after 2 years apart we got back together and within 2 weeks I had fallen pregnant. Initially he was elated, even bought me a pregnancy book etc. This was a person that I had known and loved for years. But when I was around 8 weeks pregnant he changed.

He told me in a fenzy that I was dictating his life, controlling his future, forcing a child on him he didnt want and if I had the baby he didnt want to see it. I grew up without my dad and the thought of deliberatly doing that to my child cut me deep. He told me over and over to have a termination.

I had to have a scan to date the pregnancy and they turned the screen from me, he walked around to see it. That broke my heart. That he stil wanted to see something he didnt want me to have. I wanted my baby but I was petrified of doing it all alone, financially and emotionally and hated feeling like I was dictating his future.

I had a termination, and actually had complications afterwards etc. He stayed with me initially but I had a total breakdown within 2 months. I had wanted my baby desperatly and was 11+4 when i terminated. Whats worse is thanks to his book i knew exactly what I had "lost".

I had pregnancy loss counselling for what was known as "coerced abortion" and it made me realise that i was so busy worrying about me coercing him into parenthood, I lost myself along the way. I had counselling for a good while after and they gave me a book called "sometimes love means letting go" I just wished it was him I had walked away from not a child I wanted.

Im married now to a lovely bloke with a DD.

Only you can make you decision that is right for you, but I wished now that I had gone for counselling before, not after, counselling on my own. And I wished that I had explored all the financial elements to have allowed me to feel informed and empowered rather than alone and scared.

You say you want your baby. Do what it is right for you, not what you think is right for someone else.

good luck x

Bearcrumble, yes I did know that, thanks :)I FULLY intend to finish my course, just a year later than originally planned.
Doctorswife, I'm so sorry that happened to you.

To the person who said the OP couldn't do her med training. Sorry but that is NOT true. Why on earth couldn't she? I've known plenty of pregnant junior doctors, student nurses and med students. It's going to be harder but so would going to work in any job.

TDW46, your story made me have a little cry

I am so sorry you had to experience that

I actually left a big part out as i didnt want to be seen as scaremongering but maybe its relevant.

The complications I had afterwards was a massive haemorrage when i got home, my DP had to call an ambulance and I woke up in hospital really very ill.

I didnt want to to frighten the OP, but maybe thats why I found it harder to deal with it all. That sometimes it isnt as straight forward as a visit to the clinic.

I truly dont want to scare you milliekate just implore you to make sure that you are happy in your own mind with your decision as its far harder to deal with when you have been pressured into something you didnt want.

There are loads of reasons not to have a baby and that's why most of us use contraception. But that's very different to having an abortion becuase you have 'head' reasons not to have a baby. I think if you want this baby you should have it, everything else can work itself out but the fall out from another termination could be huge and then there's the prospect of there not being another 'right time' before you're forty and then you'l;l be childless...or rather could be.

I had two abortions and the last one I bitterly regretted and felt hollow until I had my first baby, I could actually feel the space the baby had occupied.

Do remember that you don't have to keep the bloke as your partner if you don't want to. Don't put up with knobbishness just so you can be A Couple - if he gets really tiresome you can fuck him right off until the baby is born. Nothing at all wrong with preferring to build a civil co-parent relationship rather than trying to force a couple-relationship when you're not really suited to one another.

Thank you so much, all. You are tremendously inspiring.

Many of you have pointed out that the need to separate out my relationship with him, and him, and the baby. I really had not been able to do this until now, and it's helped a lot to see that one thing is not contingent on the other. As a few of you so rightly said, who's to say or know if the bloke will hang around after the birth anyway - married, together or not, baby wanted or not.

Sparkleshine, you asked if I had met his family. His mother died a couple of months ago and his father last year; he has a sister who I have not met. I do not know if she would help, but I know that my parents would as much as they could, though they are poised to leave London. I have great friends but only one or two have babies or children and neither them nor the rest, I think, have the time to help. But I know they would do what they could. I just need to shoulder as much of it as possible myself and if I get help from others, well, that's a bonus!

Itswascertainlyasurprise - wow - I am in awe of what you went through. How bloody brave (which I could say for many of you). Reading your experience somehow brightened my day - thank you x

Allhallowsandwine, I am very sorry for what you went through, what a situation: your DD sounds wonderful but god, I am full of admiration for what you did x

Sandsad, your story struck a huge chord with me... the parallels and so on, and your insanely wise words which I have virtually pasted to my computer. It's very inspiring. You are so right that whether I have a relationship with him or not is something that has to happen in its own right and not relating it Thank you x

NurseSunshine, congratulations on your pregnancy! I hugely feel for you - that is potentially an immensely difficult situation and yet you sound so spirited and strong. I admire you.
Thanks too for the reassurance on my med training not being too impinged upon - is hugely encouraging. I figure - perhaps naively - that neither medicine, especially a graduate 'crash' course, nor babies are
easy but that somehow I will make it work if I choose to so do. I wish you so much luck x

TheDoctor'sWife46, I am so, so sorry for what you went through. God it must have been absolutely agonising. Thank you so much for everything you say... x

And I know exactly what you mean about the sick (sorry) curiosity at the scan - that is just not compatible
with supporting an abortion in my book, either - my semi-boyfriend did not quite do that but during and since the lengthy internal scan at the EPU he says he has seen things 'differently' and says the sight has made him sad, and so on.

I don't know what to make of this and it is confusing me so much - does it make him feel differently, really? Or is he just saying that? I keep quiet on this point because I want to see what he says without encouragement. He just says it has made him sad, though. The thing is that even if he has/had second thoughts, I am not sure he would say so, now.

PosieCHMPP, your description made me cry. That hollow space. I know what you mean. Is it literal, is it figurative... or both... I don't know, but I know that I felt something similar - much to my shock - after the termination I had before. A kind of burning ache. I am pleased, though not quite right word, and reassured (for selfish reasons) that somehow your first baby helped, in that respect.

So sorry if there is anyone I have missed out. I have read all your posts again and again, but little sleep and an overloaded brain are doing their thing.

A slight complication has developed in that my blood pressure has become sky-high - extraordinarily high. It's usually low, if anything. I have spent all day having tests and there is no cause - the doctors can only surmise it is extreme stress. Hmm. I feel a bit foolish and yet also almost pleased that the inner turmoil does have some kind of physical presence, if that makes any sense.

I have cancelled my appointment for the procedure this week. Apart from anything, the consultant has said I need to let the BP drop a bit before considering any anaesthetic.

Mentally and emotionally I am no more resolved and at times feeling pretty despondent - but I do feel a little calmer - as a result of your heartening, inspiring stories here.
Thank you so much.
x