Boyfriend wants an abortion - sorry, horribly long

[milliekate]

I just need a little advice, basically. I am 33 and have a new boyfriend, of just 3 months. He is 38.

It was all going swimmingly - really swimmingly - until last week he suddenly became very weird
and accused me of being secretive. I was completely baffled. We talked about it, got nowhere. While I went to the loo he took my phone and read my text messages and emails (he has my passcode
from a few weeks, for some forgotten reason - but I trusted him!). He sees a couple of messages
to male friends which he has misconstrued and we had a blazing row. Apart from the fact that he
should not read my phone, which he has since apologised for and so on, we got into other stuff and we basically broke up that day.
On that day I suspected I was pregnant despite not missing my pill - I am sure. I told him how I felt and he said let's put aside the
argument, it's miniscule compared to a possible pregnancy. A couple of days later, I do a test
and yes, it's positive. I'm just under 6 wks pg.

I had an abortion two years ago and while I have never regretted it, it has haunted and disturbed me since in ways
that have surprised me despite the fact that intellectually
and politically I so support it.

The complication is that his mother died very messily in May, his father not long before. While he seems 'ok',
he is patently still grieving. In that sense I do feel bad he is in this situation.

He says he has never wanted a child because he has so many things he wants to do, that he spent much
of his life not doing these things (for various reasons) and now wants to.
And then he said that his reasons are basically selfish and that he does not want to spend his time caring for a child.

Which is odd because whenever we encountered children together he would be very sweet and he very frequently brought them up in conversation. And when he realised that after 6 weeks or so you could
see a heartbeat, he was taken aback and quite moved. Which I find a little hypocritical.

I have had an initial consultation, with him, at Marie Stopes. I have also been to an Early Preg. Unit
as MS could not find the embryo initially and were concerned it was ectopic. Throughout, and every day, he has
been present, kind, attentive, sympathetic - essentially as he should be, and perfect, blah blah.

I do not know that I can go ahead with the decision to have a termination. It feels deeply deeply disturbing, and
I do not feel - yet - I have made the choice entirely myself. I feel that if he and I were to talk more, perhaps I would
feel able to do so. But I find it hard to talk with him and keep avoiding him.

I want this baby more than anything. I have wanted a baby since my late 20s, and while no time is completely right,
I have quashed the broodiness or postponed. I don't think I can do that any longer. I want a baby pretty badly.

I feel bad 'coercing' another person into parenthood, but right now I feel I and my welfare are just as / more important.

I asked the other day why he didn't just have a vasectomy and he said that he had been asked that before
but that he didn't like to have unnecessary surgery, and would rather take precautions (though we just used my pill).
What about the abortion - suddenly that's a unnecessary operation in some respects?!

My reasons for hesitating are
1, I don't earn much money though do ok,
2, I am about to retrain
as a doctor in a year's time though the combination of study and childcare does not put me off!,
3, I do feel bad pushing someone into parenthood... I can't work out if this is a general belief on my part or if I am just being
overly romantic, and
4, I feel bad for the baby... born into this situation, and 5, I am scared of being alone with the baby - can I do it?
I have great friends and family but essentially I am on my own.

I know there is a chance he will come round - so many men seem to in this situation, once they see the baby or realise the reality?
But I know I cannot rely on this and must risk him not doing so.

Sorry this is so ridiculously long.
I've had exams and now my head is whirling around, I'm sitting alone and trying to know what to do,
searching my soul.

My final hesitation is that I think he in some ways he is a being a idiot and do I want to have a child by such a person...
I want this baby from the bottom of my heart but am scared.
Perhaps it's just the hormones confusing me, and I can't see clearly!
Would be so grateful for any advice.

Thank you for asking : )

I'm ok, no more resolved either way really though.

Thank you so much to everyone who replied with regard to money, and the practicalities.
Woolymindy, that is a very sad story about the woman you met in Marks and Spencers. Your own story is so heartening, so inspiring - I have read it over and over!

We have spent a lot of good time together in the last few days and strangely enough we both feel closer than before.
Essentially I recognise that for him, having a baby could be awful while he is so deep in grief for his mother. But I feel the consequences of having a termination for me could be even worse.

I think you need to put your feelings first then Millie. It could be something you bitterly regret doing forever, whereas once you see your little DC's face for the first time, you won't regret it for an instant.

It sounds harsh, but he might not be around for ever and you need to think of your feelings first as it's such a monumental decision...

Hey milliekate, I'm in an almost identical situation. I'm 32. Boyfriend (31) and I together six and a half months. I'm now 10 weeks pregnant - unplanned obvs. I had the same dread feeling you did from the off about abortion (which he was pushing me towards).

So much of your story sounds familiar to me. He said he never wanted kids, I said I did - one day. When I found out I was pg I listened to his concerns so carefully, wanted to do right by him, didn't want to drag him into parenthood, cried, rationalised abortion was the fair and sensible thing to do, felt I couldn't have a baby alone, even went to Marie Stopes twice (got turned away the first time, as I'd eaten when was supposed to be nil by mouth. I call it fate).

By the second appt a week later (last Sat), I'd made my decision. I had to do what was right for me. And I felt terminating the pregnancy could leave me emotionally scarred for a very long time, so I walked into the clinic and cancelled my appt. I don't earn a mint, but I have friends and family. It's not ideal, but I'll cope.

It's only a week after the second appt, and my semi-boyfriend is still being weird (wants to take a break from our relationship, because he needs to get 'control' of his life back and has 'projects' he 'must finish' by time baby's born, because obviously then life grinds to a halt to the detriment of all else. Who says men can't multitask?! Yet also wants to come to the scan. Doesn't want to see me, for months yet wants to see me tomorrow. Like I say, I'm the sane one at the moment). Anyway, in short, I have no idea whether he is going to stick around for me in any way, because he is so clearly freaking out. Do I need that around me also?

But I know this: you have to listen to what you REALLY want. Not what he wants, not even what makes most sense on paper. It's your body. Only you know what's right, deep down. So much good luck with your decision

:)

x

I was in your situation. On my NQT year as a teacher with my ex trying to coerce me into terminating.
I gnored him and kept dd. She's amazing. I don't regret it. Yes; it's tough but worth it!

Hello all, thanks so much for all your replies.

Queenofthehill - it's so good to hear from you. Can't believe how similar our situations are. I admire you - you sound spirited in a way I wish for amid all my pickled confusion!
How are things now?

I am still booked for the procedure at Marie Stopes this Thursday but am in bits about it.
Impossible to concentrate on work or anything else and in addition, I have an exam next week and cannot even begin to study for it, which I desp need to - what a pickle.

I see semi-boyfriend most days but last night I made him tell me exactly why he didn't want a baby. He was pretty stumbly and defensive at doing so - I told him if I was even going to consider a termination then I need to hear from him his reasoning and the very least he can do is provide it. So his reasoning as such was pretty lame - doesn't want to care for a baby, finds children boring, doesn't think the world needs more children; so on and so predictable. I realise in a way it doesn't matter what he says - the message is still the same and I need to heed that, whatever I decide to do.

I do feel bad that he has such recent massive grief with the death of his mother only a couple of months ago and his father not long before that, and now this, but they are different elements of the situation and not related.

My instinct is that he will come round, but I have to ignore this and move on - it needs to be irrelevant and it needs to be about me.
This much I now know.

I want to go for another scan tomorrow - the EPU suggested it after last time, a fortnight ago. He thinks I'm crazy for doing so and that it will cause "extra upset" after a termination if I had it - and he admits that it will make me want to keep the baby. I don't want to coerce him into coming with me so I will go and let him know when I'll be there if he wants to come. Last time he got upset at the sight of the embryo and now, at 7 weeks, there will of course be more to see and I guess, hear. So I don't know whether this also still bothers him as it did last time.

Ultimately what I will do, I don't know - very confused about what is best for the baby, how to afford it, and pretty upset, but trying to get there...

x

Hugs to you. I really understand. Let me know how you get on. You sound very strong to me - and it's so hard when you are factoring in everyone's emotions. But you are the most important person in all this, as you say. How are you feeling?

Have you spoken to any friends about what your situation is? Or taken up Marie Stopes on their counselling? I didn't do the latter, but spoke to two very good friends while I was desperately trying to make up my mind: one of whom had been through exactly the same thing. It really helped me just to get out what I had been feeling, and while no one could give me the answers, they listened to me, gave me untold support, let me cry and talk it out. I wrote lists just to organise my thoughts, pros and cons. I looked at my finances, worked out how much it might cost if I was going to do it on my own. Sounds clinical, but really helped put those crazy emotions in some kind of order.

Please don't feel bad for your boyfriend. His situation sounds difficult, but he's a grown-up, he will deal with what he has to and you can't take on his worrying, too. It sounds like you have considered him all the way through.

So did you have the scan? If so, how did you feel after that?

Re my boyfriend: he is still on the scene at the moment and being less mental! Can't really predict what will happen there, though. Sigh. My friends are really supportive, though, and my mum has been great.

Hope you're okay. Be as strong as you're being and good luck... Lots of hugs.

x

Hi Milliekate - Firstly, I'm going to say congratulations bc it sounds very much to me that in your heart of hearts you know you're not going to terminate and you want this pregnancy to continue.

You'll be fine. I started a postgrad with a 3 month old baby. Relocated near my mum and am happily raising my child with her help. Single motherhood is twice the work, but twice the reward. You'll never regret it.

If you terminate a pg you want to keep you will live with the consequences for the rest of your life that is a given.

You have to do what is right for you and you alone. I fell pregnant five months into a relationship with someone I'd known for ten years. He was ambivalent at best but came to the first scan and insisted I had another scan privately because of the nuchal fold reading (not bad enough to be referred but not good). By the 20 week scan he was pretty much gone.

Ds was born early and poorly. Ex came to register the birth and said it would be better if Ds died.

Ds is now a healthy 6 yr old. No contact with ex for five years until this summer. He doesn't want a relationship with Ds and calls him the 'non-aborted foetus'.

Being a real single parent, ie with no ex around at all, is incredibly hard. My life has changed immeasurably and not all for the better. However I wouldnt be without Ds and I'm glad I didn't give in to the pressure my ex put on me to have a termination.

Whatever decision you make please make sure that it is the right one for you and you alone.

I had an abortion due to pressure from the then BF. He told me there would be chances in the future for us etc etc etc. I was stupid enough to listen. A week after the abortion he left me. He stayed with me only to ensure I got rid of the baby .
I think your relationship with your BF is doomed either way tbh so make your choice based ONLY on what you want.
Your BF wil not hang around long whether you keep the baby or not.

Hi milliekate. How are you? Just wondered how you were doing. Hugs. x

Hi Millie - I hope your scan went ok today. I was in this position once too - you need to do what is right for you and you seem to want this baby tbh. I really feel like you terminating is not what you want and you need to do what is right for you and your baby.

I hope your hanging in there!

Don't have an abortiob because you feel guilty that he's grieving for his mum. New life makes loosing life easier to understand. He's using it as an excuse imo.

My ex pulled all of these out of the bag; his grandad died, his dad went mental etc. don't listen.

You obviously want to keep your baby so please dont kill it just because your bf is in a difficult place-tbh he doesnt sound much like someone you would want to spend your life with if he is asking you to make such a huge decision for no good reason.

Hi milliekate. Just wondered how you were doing now and if you decided whether you were going ahead with the abortion.
How's the relationship with the semi-boyfriend going?

It seems to me that you already know what you want to do, and that is why you are on mums net. Once you terminate there is no going back, follow your heart, this relationship may last or not, but if you continue with the pregnancy you will have your child, it's not selfish to want that as yes it's not right to push him into parenthood but it's not right for him to pressure you to terminate your child.
dont be pushed, do what you need to to for yourself and your future happiness. good luck x

It's the weekend ... and so I have time to check back on Mumsnet. Thinking of you and hoping you are okay Milliekate.