Boyfriend wants an abortion - sorry, horribly long

[milliekate]

I just need a little advice, basically. I am 33 and have a new boyfriend, of just 3 months. He is 38.

It was all going swimmingly - really swimmingly - until last week he suddenly became very weird
and accused me of being secretive. I was completely baffled. We talked about it, got nowhere. While I went to the loo he took my phone and read my text messages and emails (he has my passcode
from a few weeks, for some forgotten reason - but I trusted him!). He sees a couple of messages
to male friends which he has misconstrued and we had a blazing row. Apart from the fact that he
should not read my phone, which he has since apologised for and so on, we got into other stuff and we basically broke up that day.
On that day I suspected I was pregnant despite not missing my pill - I am sure. I told him how I felt and he said let's put aside the
argument, it's miniscule compared to a possible pregnancy. A couple of days later, I do a test
and yes, it's positive. I'm just under 6 wks pg.

I had an abortion two years ago and while I have never regretted it, it has haunted and disturbed me since in ways
that have surprised me despite the fact that intellectually
and politically I so support it.

The complication is that his mother died very messily in May, his father not long before. While he seems 'ok',
he is patently still grieving. In that sense I do feel bad he is in this situation.

He says he has never wanted a child because he has so many things he wants to do, that he spent much
of his life not doing these things (for various reasons) and now wants to.
And then he said that his reasons are basically selfish and that he does not want to spend his time caring for a child.

Which is odd because whenever we encountered children together he would be very sweet and he very frequently brought them up in conversation. And when he realised that after 6 weeks or so you could
see a heartbeat, he was taken aback and quite moved. Which I find a little hypocritical.

I have had an initial consultation, with him, at Marie Stopes. I have also been to an Early Preg. Unit
as MS could not find the embryo initially and were concerned it was ectopic. Throughout, and every day, he has
been present, kind, attentive, sympathetic - essentially as he should be, and perfect, blah blah.

I do not know that I can go ahead with the decision to have a termination. It feels deeply deeply disturbing, and
I do not feel - yet - I have made the choice entirely myself. I feel that if he and I were to talk more, perhaps I would
feel able to do so. But I find it hard to talk with him and keep avoiding him.

I want this baby more than anything. I have wanted a baby since my late 20s, and while no time is completely right,
I have quashed the broodiness or postponed. I don't think I can do that any longer. I want a baby pretty badly.

I feel bad 'coercing' another person into parenthood, but right now I feel I and my welfare are just as / more important.

I asked the other day why he didn't just have a vasectomy and he said that he had been asked that before
but that he didn't like to have unnecessary surgery, and would rather take precautions (though we just used my pill).
What about the abortion - suddenly that's a unnecessary operation in some respects?!

My reasons for hesitating are
1, I don't earn much money though do ok,
2, I am about to retrain
as a doctor in a year's time though the combination of study and childcare does not put me off!,
3, I do feel bad pushing someone into parenthood... I can't work out if this is a general belief on my part or if I am just being
overly romantic, and
4, I feel bad for the baby... born into this situation, and 5, I am scared of being alone with the baby - can I do it?
I have great friends and family but essentially I am on my own.

I know there is a chance he will come round - so many men seem to in this situation, once they see the baby or realise the reality?
But I know I cannot rely on this and must risk him not doing so.

Sorry this is so ridiculously long.
I've had exams and now my head is whirling around, I'm sitting alone and trying to know what to do,
searching my soul.

My final hesitation is that I think he in some ways he is a being a idiot and do I want to have a child by such a person...
I want this baby from the bottom of my heart but am scared.
Perhaps it's just the hormones confusing me, and I can't see clearly!
Would be so grateful for any advice.

You are pregnant, after years of wanting a child. With a man you have only known for 3 months, and that you had broken up with due to weird, sneeky and controlling behaviour.

I say, ditch the man and keep the baby!
Dont terminate because you think you should, as you dont love him or want to spend your life with him!

If you're contemplating going back and training as a doctor and he has plans to have his deferred adventures, it looks as if you are two ships passing in the night already.

On top of that is the very alarming accusation from him, the disturbing incident of the taking of your phone and the resulting argument. And he never wanted children but outpatient surgery was too much trouble for him?

I say what Queeheeeheeeheeen says -- ditch him.

Where there's a will there's a way. If you want a child then now might actually be the ideal time, not when you're half way through the medical studies, or finished with them, or trying to set up your career, as that clock ticks.

You're not necessarily tied to him at all through a baby.

What whenall said

he's still the same controlling asshole who used your trust in him to spy on you and accuse you.

Your accidental pregnancy doesn't at all put that into the category of something that should be overlooked.

Make the decision about the abortion without his input.

He made the decision to become a parent when he took no precautions against making someone pregnant and had sex anyway.

Not to be too blunt about it. But he dipped his wick without wearing a condom, so he was willingly taking the risk of becoming a parent. You didn't force him to have sex with you.

When my oh tried to persuade me to have an abortion, I stuck to my guns and kept MY baby.

If he wants to be a part of it, then good. If not, oh well. Its tough and retraining whilst being a mum will be hard, but it as well worth it to have my baby here with me.

My view is that this is not a relationship that was going to go well if after three months he was checking your messages and starting arguements. The fact that has been put to one side if worrying, you need to know where you stand. You have a choice and need to decide for yourself what you want. Him being everything he should whilst you are going ahead with getting rid of it is not a suprise, he needs to keep you sweet doesnt he?

You want children, he doesnt, how much clearer can he be?

Oh, and btw - congratulations :)

you are pregnant with a baby you say you desperately want, complications with this man aside this should be a happy and exciting time for you

Yes, like everyone else, my feeling is that you are better off without this man. He talked you into giving him your passcodes within the first two months of a relationship? And then went through your phone and started arguments about messages to male friends? This is hugely, hugely controlling behaviour, and it's so soon into the relationship that it is a BIG red flag.

He's told you that he doesn't want a child, that his reasons are selfish, and that he doesn't want to spend his time looking after a child. When someone tells you who they are, listen to them.

All of that said, I think you should continue the pregnancy. But not because you hope he'll come round - he's not going to make you a good partner, nor your child a good father. He's already shown you that. Do it because you've always wanted a child, and your previous termination strengthened that determination, and because you're very smart and determined and ambitious and articulate and emotionally intelligent.

Don't change history, tortoise.

She said: "(he has my passcode from a few weeks, for some forgotten reason - but I trusted him!)"

She didn't say that he talked her into giving him her passcode.

Hmm. It seems to me that if having a baby is important to you, then now is as good a time as any, especially if your training institution will let you defer. What stands out for me is your desire to retrain versus your desire to have a baby. If you wait until your course is over (and let's not forget that the early years as a qualified doctor are pretty full-on), then you will quite likely have passed your last years of full fertility anyway. So the chance of you ever having a baby is compromised anyway if you wait for the "right" time.

But he certainly doesn't sound like the "right" man- and if you go ahead with this it will probably (and sensibly) be alone. Which is not ideal, but not the end of the world.

They are my thoughts anyway- good luck with your decision. Just please don't feel badgered out of propreity into forcing a long-term romantic relationship with this man, as he doesn't sound great from what you've said. He may turn out to be ok as a co-parent in the end, but I'm afraid you can't count on it.

Are you back together? If you had the termination what would happen with the relationship? Would you carry on as you were but using the pill and condoms?
Has he said it is the baby or him?

If you have the baby you have to have it because you want it and not because you hope he will come round.

I do believe that both parents have the right to a say in whether the baby is kept or not but with this there is no compromise.

"You're not necessarily tied to him at all through a baby."

OK, maybe so, but surely children have a right to know who their father is somehow, so even if this bloke is totally uninvolved and leaves her alone to raise the child, somehow they will have to keep some contact for the sake of the child, or else the child may wish to trace his/her father... either way that man is always going to be a part of OP's/Child's life involved or not.

The initial control issues of this man deeply worried me, barely a few months in and he's going through her phone and giving her the 3rd degree?

Open question: If OP has this baby, and he is on the scene in any way shape or form. Will this bloke be MORE or LESS controlling once he has her where he wants her, dependent on him in some respects and grateful for any input he deigns to give?

Millie, I wish you all the best, whatever your decision.

Whatever you decide, go into it with your eyes wide open and fully aware of worst case scenarios.

Plan for the worst, hope for the best...

I echo what a lot of others have said about him maybe not being a long-term partner choice considering his actions after only three months.

I am currently pregnant with my first aged 36 - after a one off with a friend - and when I told him the news, his initial reaction was to tell me he was moving to Sweden in the next six months!

Needless to say this has not happened and he is now planning to "do the right thing" in terms of financial support and seeing his son.

I similarly felt I was "pushing" someone into parenthood at first, but I don't now. It was 50% his efforts in any case. He needs to man up and face the consequences.

It is scary going into a pregnancy as a (probable) single parent but it's not the end of the world. Good luck with whatever you decide (and make sure it's your decision, not his).

He must have asked in some way for the password a few weeks previously, though, Atswimtwolengths -- and it's a bit strange to have remembered it for that length of time imo, unless it was extremely memorable.

I know someone who is a really well-qualified specialist, and waited too long -- she did it the traditional way, college for medicine, then one further professional course, then another, both for her specialty. She regrets thinking she had to have all her ducks in a row in order to have room for a baby in her life.

the jealousy rings alarm bells for me - the argument you had the day you found out you were pg. i don't think my dh has ever gone through my phone or my computer. it just wouldn't enter his head. we don't open each other's post either.

how do you feel about the relationship aside from the baby? listen to your instincts there.

so i feel you have two decisions here: whether to continue with your relationship, and whether you want to have this baby. and the decisions aren't necessarily dependent on each other.

I was 30 when I fell pregnant to someone I wasn't in a serious relationship with.

Like you, I had had a termination some years before and whereas I didn't regret it as such, I am not entirely comfortable with what I did.

I was working on contract, so had no maternity benefits, living in a houseshare and generally being a girl about town.

I made the decision that the father could go, he could make that decision and have nothing to do with us, if that is what he wanted. I could terminate the pregnancy and he could terminate contact.

I went to Marie Stopes and had my first consultation, booked in, but didn't go. I went through the motions, but I knew I wasn't going to go through with it. You have to live with your decision to terminate, that is the most important thing to remember.

My friends and family amazed me - I had all the support I needed from them. Everyone helped me, the baby had everything he needed, and we had a lovely, lovely life just the two of us.

We got together, had more children and got married. You don't regret the children you have, but you may regret the ones you don't.

The very best of luck with it. x

No one can tell you what to do - but this line from your post - I want this baby from the bottom of my heart but am scared - is very clear. If this is how you feel, I cannot see how a termination is going to result in good outcomes for you. I don't think it would be fair for your partner to feel co-erced into parenthood - he had sex without a condom with you. There is, however, a huge risk of you feeling co-erced into an abortion, and that could be very damaging to you indeed.

(FWIW - I think most pregnant could speak the emboldened words above at some point. Pregnancy is scary in parts, but is so many other things too.)

I have not been in youre situation, and feel for you. Good luck with whatever you decide.

*your, not sure where the e came from!

I've been in your situation, and all I can say is, you wont regret having a baby, but you could regret the other option.

best of luck with everything x

I agree with all the above..

I had a termination at 23, and wasn't with the father anymore, and in the last year of my BA, It was the right decision, but i have never forgotten.

When i got pregnant at 25, and my partner actually said "It's me or the baby".. Guess which i chose? I think in a way my instincts as a women, wanted to protect the baby.. and that instinct carried me through all the hard times that followed..

My XP never changed his mind, but that worked out well,my son and i got on with it, and we were never messed about.

I think you should make the decision for yourself, instinctively, after all no women has a guarantee that the father will always be there when she gives birth.

Its a big big scarey decision, and you have to do what is right for YOU, Good luck!

hi I have not read every rply to your thread and I am so sorry you are in this situation but would like to tell you my story.

i was ending a terribly long drawn out on of on off relationship and met another man a few weeks later, I was also on the pill and about begin working towards my social work degree.

i slept with exp more than four weeks prior to meeting new partner and then discovered I was pregnant about 2 weeks after sleeping with new partner, fucking nightmare, the dr would not date my pregancy accuratly as I was on the pills o he said i could have fallen pregnaant two weeks either side of a five week cycle, due to a freak ovulation if on the pill. anyway had no option to tell both and that i did not who father was. on dating scan it would have worked out i fell pregnant in the second week during the time after the split when i had not had sex..yikes.

anyway to cut a long story short neither men actually stood by me past boyfriend said have an abortion and second partner mooved in promissing the world regardless and just freeloaded off me for a few months till i kicked him out. I was well and truely on my own and felt so lost and the abortion kept coming into my mind just because i thought what else could i do but i never belived i could every do that and from the moment i discovered i was pregnant i felt that child in my belly and thought about it every moment of the day. I made the decission to have my baby and never looked back since i held my self strong and told my past partner and he did not support me a later dating scan confirmed he was the dad and after i had my dd he has been there but not terribly comitted, but i decided no matter what i would do this all on m y own if thats what it was to be then so be it.

i have never regreted one little bit having my dd and she is so so wonderfull and such a blessing, she is four now and i have given her the best start i could ever wished to. i think all parents worry about having this huge resposability no matter the circumstances. it seems to me like you want this child more than anything else, you can still re train in a year or two, there is nothing you cant do even if you have a child you relly upon the support of your family and friends who im sure will adore any child of yours as they do you and will provide all the help and support you need to achive your dreams.

It sounds like he is some what selfish and controling and maybe you could be parent this seperat;ly or ON YOUR OWN. but I think as far as a relationship goes no matter what you decide on the pregancy i would not decide to be with a man like this. I also think you are looking for someone tell you its ok to have this baby and it is ok for you to make this choice. at the end of the day the age old cliche it is ultimatly your decision end of! good luck and best wishes.