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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do i tell him??

123 replies

hangingbasket · 10/10/2010 12:16

I have name changed for this as I feel so ashamed.

I have recently started seeing the most lovely man after being single for about a year. We have been sleeping together for about 2 weeks without using condoms. I have a mirena coil. The problem is that I suffer from herpes which I contracted (I believe) from my ex-husband. I am not a slapper and have only ever had 5 mid to long term partners in my life and no one night stands.

From reading literature about herepes my new partner should not be at risk unless I am having an outbreak and I am on twice daily medication for the herpes to try and prevent the outbreaks.

What should I do?? How should I break it to him?? I am so worried about this. I feel awful.

OP posts:
Gay40 · 10/10/2010 12:21

He must be a bit dumb as he's not wearing a condom with a new partner, though.

Original poster
hangingbasket · 10/10/2010 12:24

That's not really the point thought is it?? I was asking what people thought i should say to him.

OP posts:
LisaD1 · 10/10/2010 12:25

If someone slept with me without condoms and without informing me of the fact they were a Herpes carrier I would be furious when they did eventually tell and any relationship would be well and truly over. He should of course take some responsibility for not using a condom but he is not in possession of all the facts which may have made a huge difference to his choice.

Easywriter · 10/10/2010 12:26

Face to face.
Today

fuzzywuzzy · 10/10/2010 12:26

Can you not just sit down and have a frank and open discussion about your sexual health with eachother?

You're both adults, your both sleeping with eachother, dont you want to know about his sexual health too, considering you're having sex??

Original poster
hangingbasket · 10/10/2010 12:30

I feel sick. I know what I've done is really wrong. Herpes isn't infectious unless you're having an outbreak but I totally agree with what you said Lisa. He's working all day until 6 and tbh it's not really a conversation i facy having over the phone so i think it's going to have to wait until tomo night.

OP posts:
PfftTheMagicDragon · 10/10/2010 12:31

FGS don't have sex with him again until you tell him.

I can't believe you have been having unprotected sex with him whilst knowing that you have Herpes!

You have a choice. You can either break up with him, or tell him. And even if you break up with him you still have to tell him a he may have it!

This cannot get any better. You cannot undo what is done, and hiding it for longer will just make it worse. Tell him today.

Original poster
hangingbasket · 10/10/2010 12:47

I've just been on the phone to my best briend and she's been saying the same as all u guys. TBH, i'll deserve it if he finishes with me.

OP posts:
Gay40 · 10/10/2010 13:41

Then again, the potential has been there for him to infect you with something far worse.
Lessons learnt all round, I think.

TeeBee · 11/10/2010 11:24

Hangingbasket, I'm sorry to be the one to break this to you - you CAN be infectious even though you are not having symptoms. Has your GP not explained 'asymptomatic viral shedding' or 'silent outbreaks' to you? If not, they have been VERY VERY amiss.

Of course you should stop sleeping with this man immediately (until he knows and can make his own decicions) and you need to tell him. Of course, yes, he is likely to be very very angry because he will be scared. You need to get some information ready for him to read as he is at risk and needs to go and get a test. You should explain to him that you did not realise that you were putting him and risk and now you realise that you have, you want to tell him immediately. This is the only chance you have of salvaging the situation I'm afraid. You have nothing to be ashamed of - its just a cold sore in a different place - and of course having herpes infection does not mean that you have been sleeping around (most of us have had unprotected sex at some point in our lives - I know I have!). But you have to tell him sweetheart, he has a right to know about his own health.

I'm so sorry, this must be incredibly difficult for you. If you want some good information, look at the International Herpes Management Furm website. there are some patient leaflets on there which may be of use. Good luck to you.

carriedababi · 11/10/2010 11:27

why are you not using condoms?

SolidGoldBrass · 11/10/2010 11:30

Whatever he says, he does have to take some responsibility for his own health. If he's one of these tiresome men who refuses to wear a condom because it 'doesn't feel right' then if he picks up a dose of something it will serve him right.
OK you were in the wrong for not telling him but you did think (not unreasonably) that you were only infectious when you had an outbreak.

msboogie · 11/10/2010 11:31

If he was willing to have sex with you without protection in such a reckless fashion then he has probably done so with other women. He ran the risk and has only himslef to blame. Midn you, he could have passed god only knows what to you in return....

TeeBee · 11/10/2010 11:32

Hanging, when were you diagnosed? I am concerned that you seem to be unaware of asymptomatic shedding and wondering what your GP has been doing??

TeeBee · 11/10/2010 11:37

You are right SGB, everyone has to take responsibility for their own health. I'm guessing though, Hangingbasket, that you won't be able to live with herself if you pass the virus to your man, knowing that he will have the PITA to deal with, as you do. You can sort this out HB, big deep breath and a shot of gin???

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts · 11/10/2010 11:40

I would like to add my story OP.

My doctor suspected I had caught herpes just a couple of months after I met my boyfriend (now DH).

I was told that it was contagious even if there wasnt a visible outbreak. I was devastated and was petrified of telling my new boyfriend. i thought he would finish with me, call me dirty - sure I felt dirty enough.

We'd only been together a couple of months when I told him. It isnt something you can hide as it is his health you are risking too.

But he was great as it turns out, understood how hrd it must have been to tell him and open up after just a short time. and he understood that he was not safe.

We went to a GU clinic together to seek advice and he didnt have it and it also turned out my GP had misdiagnosed and I was clear. :) We have been together four and a half years and are married with a DD.

Now, I understand the former wont happen for you. you are diagnosed and are having treatment. But he may still be clear and he may well want to stand by you. You never know what the future holds.

i just wanted you to know that it doesnt mean he will finish with you. After all, to reiterate a previous post, it is just a coldsore. You just need to explain very calmly the risks involved and tell him about how you control it and how you dealt with it when you found out.

It certainly doesnt mean you have been promiscuous.

If he is decent enough he should be ok

SolidGoldBrass · 11/10/2010 11:43

BTW it doesn;t actually matter if you have been promiscuous - there's nothing wrong with having lots of different sexual partners if you enjoy it and treat them all with respect.

bundlebelly · 11/10/2010 11:48

Definitely talk to him about it, he might be mature enough to be fine about it. But Google it first and find out as much as poss. It is VERY COMMON and it IS catching if you are not having an outbreak. I caught it from my dh when we got together. (I was pissed off, but it wasn't his fault! And I would have been more pissed off if we hadn't talked about it!). Anyone who gets coldsores on their mouth has the virus in their system and can infect others through the 'shedding' even if they have no symptoms at all! This means that even through kissing it can be passed on.
Most people with herpes get it from their MUMS!

Don't stress it! It will be ok. It's not a big deal compared to many other things going on out there.

shodatin · 11/10/2010 12:38

That's a really useful contribution bundlebelly, and thanks for the information.

Lovesdogsandcats · 11/10/2010 12:40

just as he has taken a risk, so have you...how do you know he has not got HIV?

idobelieveinfairies · 11/10/2010 15:32

bundlebelly....what does 'shedding' mean'???

My dp gets coldsores from time to time.....what should i be watching out for??? I don't get it Confused Smile

frgr · 11/10/2010 15:52

fgs follow the advice on here

you seem upset so i don't want to post something too harsh, but let this be a warning

he could have something much worse and not be telling you about it Hmm

otchayaniye · 11/10/2010 16:12

Did you know that about 20 pct of the population carry the virus? He may himself be the one in five.

Just so you don't feel toooo bad

bundlebelly · 11/10/2010 16:21

idobeieve Google coldsores or herpes and shedding and it will tell you more than I can. (it's ages since I found all this out). But it is to do with cycles of the body and the healing process and if you have the herpes virus in your bloodstream, which your dp will have if he gets coldsores, it just means that there will be times when the virus will come off of particles of his skin, and if you have any bits of broken skin, it is possible that the virus can infect you. This is possibly tmi but I'll tell you anyway that my dh has had coldsores and never any genital infection, but I contracted the genital infection symptoms (but no coldsore!) after contact from him when he didn't have a coldsore at the time! I mean when these respective bits of bodies had contact!!
Anyway, it was really horrible at first, painful and uncomfortable, but it was only the one time and has never returned since (in 6 years) as it says on all the websites it will. So, it's worth finding out as much as you can, but don't overstress about it. I guess it's just one of those things in life, and you can't go through life worrying about everything, or you would never do anything! Hope this helps.
As for what to look out for, you will know it if you get it. Nasty ulcery lumps, very sore, and swollen glands at tops of legs.

TeeBee · 11/10/2010 16:59

Please be careful what information you pick up from the internet. Some of it is misleading at best, some complete and utter bollocks. Not everyone gets symptoms - even on the primary episode (first time you contract it). You are best talking to your GP (at informed one!) for all the information you need. Outbreaks may not always (or ever) be painful, could just be a tiny pimple, it is different for everyone. And you MAY find that the symptoms may decrease as you get older - but may not! You can be infectious even if you have unbroken skin. Even if your sysmptoms do not return, like bundle's, you may still be having recurrences that you are unaware of. Hence the need to be careful and use condoms.

I would use a really good source of information - such as the International Herpes Management Forum, which has been developed by experts in the field. Or get your GP to give you some information for your man. Bottom line though is he needs to be told.