How do i tell him??

[hangingbasket]

I have name changed for this as I feel so ashamed.

I have recently started seeing the most lovely man after being single for about a year. We have been sleeping together for about 2 weeks without using condoms. I have a mirena coil. The problem is that I suffer from herpes which I contracted (I believe) from my ex-husband. I am not a slapper and have only ever had 5 mid to long term partners in my life and no one night stands.

From reading literature about herepes my new partner should not be at risk unless I am having an outbreak and I am on twice daily medication for the herpes to try and prevent the outbreaks.

What should I do?? How should I break it to him?? I am so worried about this. I feel awful.

Shedding is when the virus is being released from the area of infection. It can be shed from any site, but usually genitals, orofacial area (lips), buttocks, etc. So yes when you have a coldsore you should avoid giving oral sex. The virus 'hides' within the dorsal ganglion but at times (sometimes when your immune system is low, but can be triggered by various things) can travel to the region of initial infection and basically has the potential to infect.

Sorry to keep wading in, but just remembered that the ASHA (American Social Health Association) website has some useful leaflets I think about how and when to tell your partner which you might find useful.

Thanks bundle for explaining it for me. I never knew any of this!

DP or myself have never had an outbreak in the private parts that we know of and i do stay clear of him when he has a coldsore.

I will ask GP for more info when i am next there too.

Hanging, i hope you are able to sort this all out soon, good luck.

Well I told him last night and not surprisingly he was very upset. I think the worst thing was that he didn't even shout, he just looked so sad and disappointed with me. He hasn't said for definite that it's over, just that he needs to think. He hasn't text me today but has been working 6am-6pm and quite often doen't text me anyway when he's working as he's a paramedic and often v.busy. Before he left he hugged me but not sure if it was just a friendly thing or not. I've spent most of the day in tears as i hate myself at the moment.

As for the post about silent outbreaks i definitely didn't know about that and if he finds out about that then no doubt that will be the final nail in the coffin.

I just love him so much and i am so so so so sorry for the pain i've caused.

I know this isn't in any way helpful but he's a sodding paramedic! Silly me, thinking he might at least have had a more responsible attitude towards protection!

Jesus wept

Teebee, you have me concerned. I contracted herpes about 18 years ago from my BF. I had only slept with H until he passed away last year for 15 years, no condoms and he never got it?!

Now with DP (a lot of unprotected sex at present) I know where hes been for last twenty years so no worry about him giving me any unwanted STDS. But what about me? I haven't had an outbreak for 16 years.

off to google

Well done hanging basket. Hoep things work out for you.

Merry widow, sorry I did hope I didn't come over as alarmist. How did you know that your husband didn't contract it? Did he have a blood test? You can still be infectious, outbreaks or not. I am glad that you are having no outbreaks though. If your DP knows you have it and is happy not to have protection - then cest la vie I guess.

I'm just really anxious to hear from him one way or the other. On a light hearted note- he hasn't removed me as his girlfriend on facebook (yet!!!) I'm just going to give him time to think about everything. I don't mind if he talks things over with his brother or mum to try and get things in perspective. I know he won't go broadcasting this, he's just not the type.

hanging Well done for your bravery and honesty! You have done the right thing, be proud. Hopefully your man will be fine when he has given it some thought. It could all be ok you know! At the moment you are both all loved up and can forgive each other things that you'd never get away with later! Plus you can be honest about how this has affected you and how much he means to you, and can decide together to have a totally communicative, honest relationship. This could make you closer you never know. Herpes is not a huge deal, in the scheme of things, at all. Hope he calls tonight. Good luck and stop beating yourself up!

Thanks bundle. Although I am really upset at the moment, I don't regret for a moment telling him. Someone I know has herpes and has never told any of her bf's since diagnosis. I only found this out yesterday when i phoned her to ask her for advice and she advised me not to tell him. I think what she is doing is very wrong. I feeling that by not telling your partner it is lying by omission. If my bf finishes with me i will be totally gutted but i will have done the right thing and he will know the score.

well done hanging - that must have been really difficult for you. I hope everything works out.

I'll give you an update as soon as anything happens but thank you to you all for your kind words and support.

hb, I am not having a go at you, just trying to understand

if you are feeling so upset, ashamed and hating yourself at this stage...why didn't you tell him before you started having unprotected sex ?

was it purely that you thought you were not infectious imbetween outbreaks ? It's just that your OP implied you were already very, very upset and dreading telling him

But how do you know that he doesn't carry any STDs?

He could have infected you with something as well.

Why aren't you worried about that?

I wouldn't know

the only person I have had sex with in the last 20+ years is my DH

back in the day, you just shagged everyone without a thought

I do, Shiney. Ok, fine, there was one guy with whom I didn't, but I was 18 then (not that that's an excuse).

I got chlamydia. Thankfully I got regular blood tests done and so found out before it irrevocably damaged my tubes.

It's not such a sacrifice, is it? Better than contracting HIV or Hep B.

shiney...if DH were to shuffle off, I would not be risking my sexual health on casual shags, that is for sure

I would be having the casual shags, just not bareback

It's a bit tough shit though really isn't it? I couldn;t give a shite if they don't want to wear one. No erection without pretection chez Boo. It's just not worth the potential fallout, be it pregnancy or STD

Protection
I can spell, I'm just poorly, innit

shiney...I hope you insist whether they "want to" or not...