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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do i tell him??

123 replies

hangingbasket · 10/10/2010 12:16

I have name changed for this as I feel so ashamed.

I have recently started seeing the most lovely man after being single for about a year. We have been sleeping together for about 2 weeks without using condoms. I have a mirena coil. The problem is that I suffer from herpes which I contracted (I believe) from my ex-husband. I am not a slapper and have only ever had 5 mid to long term partners in my life and no one night stands.

From reading literature about herepes my new partner should not be at risk unless I am having an outbreak and I am on twice daily medication for the herpes to try and prevent the outbreaks.

What should I do?? How should I break it to him?? I am so worried about this. I feel awful.

OP posts:

ScaryFucker · 13/10/2010 18:26

That is quite worrying, tbh

Original poster

hangingbasket · 13/10/2010 18:29

I know. Reading back over my post i do sound ridiculous. Before sleeping with this man i had it in my head that i would make him wear a condom but when it came to it i just don't really know what happened. I've never really been very assertive.

OP posts:

ScaryFucker · 13/10/2010 18:34

hb, that isn't assertion, it is plain and simple common sense knowing what you know (and he had no idea of)

however only re-hash this if it is going to help when you talk to him

because I think you are going to have to overcome your own ? embarassment, ? communication difficulties or he is going to think you are just a fool who got carried away and didn't protect both of you

do not forget though, he didn't use a condom either

Original poster

hangingbasket · 13/10/2010 18:56

I think your last point about him not using a condom either is a very good one. I had considered that myself and have so far resisted saying that to him as I am the one telling him about the herpes. But the truth is that if he was that concerned about his sexual health he would have insisted on one. Also, he has yet to go to the GUM clinic and is now working 12 hour days for the next few days so will be unable to go for the forseeable future.

OP posts:

ScaryFucker · 13/10/2010 19:00

are you going to pay a visit to the GUM clinic ?

Original poster

hangingbasket · 13/10/2010 19:05

Prob will be my best bet. I was clear as of May 2010. Hadn't been with anyone since April 2010 but now thinking that I should. Maybe we could even go together.
I've decided that once my little boy has gone to bed, I'm going to write him a letter to give him tomorrow. Otherwise, I'll get all emotional tomorrow and won't say everything that i want to say.

OP posts:

ScaryFucker · 13/10/2010 19:44

I also meant to check that you hadn't picked anything up from him

you had unprotected sex too

a letter sounds a good idea

Ivenamechanged2 · 13/10/2010 20:32

Aww HB. You genuinely believed you weren't putting him at risk at the time and you've now done the right thing so so please stop beating yourself up.

Although there is a very small chance of passing it in when you are not having an outbreak, the anti virals reduce the risk of shedding so although its not impossible to have passed it on to him, in this instance it is unlikely.

It's a horrible word, and yes it is a nuscience sometimes but it really isn't a big deal in the scheme of things, so remember to stay calm and keep a sense of perspective when talking to him.

I was diagnosed at 19 and shortly afterwards had unprotected sex - I'm not proud of that at all but to be honest I think was in denial at the time. But since then I have had two partners and neither was in the least fazed when I told them. In fact the first was relieved as he thought I was going to say I was pregnant! And he later became my DH. When we split up I met DP who I have been with for 7 years and we have a gorgeous little baby boy.

I'm sure when he calms down he will be fine about it. Just give him the chance to ask questions and if you dont know the answers try someone like the HVA who are fantastic.

sanebrain · 14/10/2010 17:18

Hi HB
just wanted to add to others comments; I was diagnosed about a year ago - not sure where I got it from as had never had problems. But had been feeling unwell and had a sore bit... eventually I was diagnosed after being referred to A&E during the night to be told... Had to tell my boyfriend (and how stupid did I feel at nearly 40 and being diagnosed).
He was absolutely fine about it and relieved that we knew what was wrong, and has been great about it. So have a little faith.
If he does react badly, then you have the fall back view that he should have taken some responsibility for himself and for you.
Best of luck and I hope all goes well.

Original poster

hangingbasket · 14/10/2010 17:48

Thanks for that sanebrain. I have been nervously anticipating a cancellation text all day and one has yet to arrive. He's due to come over at 8pm but finishes work at 7pm after a 12 hour shift so there is always the chance that he will use the "too tired" cop out. I'm so nervous about tonight and just want things to go well. I will post an update as soon as he's gone.

Think happy thoughts!!!

OP posts:

ScaryFucker · 14/10/2010 18:05

good luck x

Original poster

hangingbasket · 14/10/2010 18:44

He just rang and he's definitely coming!!!!! He sounded really positive and I'm feeling a little bit happier now :)

Fingers crossed!!!!

OP posts:

ScaryFucker · 14/10/2010 18:52

I will have a glass of red for you

now communicate please ! < hard stare >

bintofbohemia · 14/10/2010 20:41

hope it goes well!

bundlebelly · 14/10/2010 22:14

Yes, let us know how it goes HB! Good luck!

Original poster

hangingbasket · 15/10/2010 00:42

He's just left and it went really well!!!! :) :) :) :) :) :)

As soon as he arrived we had a talk as I didn't want the topic to become like the Elephant in the Room that is completely ignored. He told me how he still felt a little upset that I hadn't told him before we first slept together but had started to understand my reasons.

I then gave him my letter and he said that he really appreciated me taking the time to write all my feelings down.

He had been doing some research on herpes and the risks involved in transmission between partners and we discussed our options. He is still not that keen on the use of condoms but I have told him that now I have told him, it will be his choice whether he uses them or not. However, if he says he doesn't want to then we both have to go to the GUM clinic first. I think it's only fair. I know we've already slept together but it's still good to know if there's any problems. I think I've learnt my lesson now.

Really happy and although it's early days, I've got a good feeling about this. We're seeing eachother over the weekend so will keep you posted on any developments.

OP posts:

tortoiseonthepumpkinshell · 15/10/2010 05:34

That's brilliant, hanging. I was about to say noooooo it's not just his choice, but if you make a visit to the clinic part of the deal, that's great. Please remember that he might well be carrying something himself, and not know. Since he's been reluctant to use condoms AND hasn't bothered going to the clinic himself yet, he's hardly a role model for safe sex, you know?

Anyway, good work, you were very brave and deserve a happy weekend.

ScaryFucker · 15/10/2010 07:07

Original poster

hangingbasket · 15/10/2010 07:11

Thanks tortoise. I feel a lot better now. I know i did the right thing in telling him. I haven't got any more secrets so can't ever be accused of keeping anything from him. Will prob go to the GUM on my next day off on Weds next week and he's off on Mon I believe so can go then.

OP posts:

bundlebelly · 15/10/2010 09:14

Yay! I'm so glad it all went well. You've got good foundations for an honest, communicative, supportive relationship now. Enjoy it all! x

TeeBee · 15/10/2010 10:12

That is brilliant news!! Am really pleased for you. This is a really good start for you guys now that everything is in the open.

Original poster

hangingbasket · 15/10/2010 12:42

We've been texting all morning (I'm off work with a cold) and it's all exciting again!! I must sound about 15 lol!! I'm just so glad that it's all out in the open and from now on my advice to anyone will be to be honest to your dp even if you're worried about what they'll say. I won't deny that I've had the week from hell this week but i feel it's been worth it now :)

OP posts:

ShrineOfCrazyDemon · 15/10/2010 13:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

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