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Original poster

How do i tell him??

123 replies

hangingbasket · 10/10/2010 12:16

I have name changed for this as I feel so ashamed.

I have recently started seeing the most lovely man after being single for about a year. We have been sleeping together for about 2 weeks without using condoms. I have a mirena coil. The problem is that I suffer from herpes which I contracted (I believe) from my ex-husband. I am not a slapper and have only ever had 5 mid to long term partners in my life and no one night stands.

From reading literature about herepes my new partner should not be at risk unless I am having an outbreak and I am on twice daily medication for the herpes to try and prevent the outbreaks.

What should I do?? How should I break it to him?? I am so worried about this. I feel awful.

OP posts:
Original poster
hangingbasket · 11/10/2010 21:38

Right ladies I'm off to bed now- will keep you updated on any developments. Thank you again for all your kind words. Night night x

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 11/10/2010 21:39

night x

yesyouknowme · 11/10/2010 21:39

good luck hb

bundlebelly · 12/10/2010 16:18

hangingb How are you doing today?

ScaryFucker · 12/10/2010 16:49

any news, hb ?

Original poster
hangingbasket · 12/10/2010 16:54

Well, I spoke to him at lunchtime. He's still not very impressed with me but now has other things on his mind to add to this. He's now got problems with his car failing his MOT and possibly failing his uni course
:(. He says he may come over for dinner tomorrow night after work so we can talk and i'm really hoping that he does. He didn't get to the clinic today as he was trying to sort out the car and the uni thing.

I just want to be there for him for the things that have happened to him today and also try to sort things out between us. If I could make him realise just how sorry i am then i would.

I'm so upset right now that i can hardly think straight but am trying to keep it all together.

OP posts:
bundlebelly · 12/10/2010 17:06

Oh dear, why does he so suddenly feel that he might fail his uni course?
This cannot possibly be your fault! Or the car!

Although these things are crap for him, be careful that you don't fall into trap of blaming yourself for his mood.
You have been honest and open. You are feeling crap too. I'm worried for you as if you are constantly beating yourself up, and craving any big of attention from him, some men take advantage of this 'victim' mentality and use it against you.
Hopefully he is as lovely as you think he is and will have the maturity to talk it all through properly. Taking your feelings into account as well as his own.

ScaryFucker · 12/10/2010 17:14

oh

no further then

except you are now feeling bad for problems that are nothing to do with you

Original poster
hangingbasket · 12/10/2010 18:12

Don't get me wrong, I don't feel at all bad for the other problems. He may fail the uni course because he didn't hand in 2 assignments and obviously the car failing its MOT has nowt to do with me.

He just sounded awful on the phone but seeed more focussed on these issues at the moment so maybe that will take the heat off the original problem for now.

I've deleted his number from my phone though as I was the one to call him at lunchtime and I keep being very tempted to call/text him. I've decided just to leave it for now. I know there is always the dreaded FB but i think i can trust myself not to contact him on there!!!

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 12/10/2010 18:14

ok, good luck x

shodatin · 12/10/2010 20:15

It occurs to me that your man doesn't see the virus as too important - now, isn't that the very best result you could have hoped for?

I do hope he lets you know about tomorrow's dinner before he turns up or not as it does seem an odd way to leave the relationship.
Hope all goes well for you now.

Original poster
hangingbasket · 12/10/2010 20:23

He did say he would let me know about the dinner so i shouldn't be left hanging. He hasn't officially finished with me just yet so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he's taking his time to think everything through and then decide that he still wants to be with me.

OP posts:
CakeCuresAll · 12/10/2010 20:26

Do you know his full sexual history???

If not, why on earth weren't you using condoms?

I can understand why you may not have been up front with him at the start but you should have used something for your protection also.

I don't get why people risk so much......

TrappedinSuburbia · 13/10/2010 00:01

Hanging basket, hope it goes well for you tommorow.

Just a word of hope, I caught herpes must be 10 years ago now, after the first outbreak which was horrible, i've had nothing since, I don't even get coldsores anymore.

thesecondcoming · 13/10/2010 00:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

janinlondon · 13/10/2010 09:23

But if three quarters of the population carry an HSV variant, and most of those people have no idea they even have it, the chances he already has it are actually higher than the chances that he doesn't....? In fact most of the posters on this thread probably have it. The only way to know you don't have it is to have specific blood tests.....?

bundlebelly · 13/10/2010 09:23

Just have to say, hangingbasket has had a massive bollocking from loads of people on here, and if you read her subsequent posts, she is truely sorry, feels awful and is doing her very best to support the man and move forward. I think she has really learnt from the experience and would never repeat it. There is nothing to be gained from people continually saying what she already knows and making her feel even worse. She sounds quite young, we all learn from everything after all. Be kind everyone!

Good luck today HB.

frgr · 13/10/2010 12:09

She sounds young, but in my mind surely that means there's no excuse for NOT realising the consequences of her actions. I'm sorry to be so harsh but I don't see the point of tip toing around this subject - people only learn how stupid they've been with casual sex and no protection when it's too late. Perhaps this thread has given her and other a kick up the bum into behaving more responsibily with our bodies in future. And if that's the case, good.

ScaryFucker · 13/10/2010 14:15

I think she "gets it" frgr

I dunno whether some other people on the thread have learnt anything though Shock

Original poster
hangingbasket · 13/10/2010 17:01

Yes I have had a bollocking from some people and tbh I think that although these people have a right to their opinions, they're views aren't really helping at the moment. Thank you to people like bundlebelly and scaryfucker who have been very kind.

Well the latest is that he's coming over tomorrow night after work although I'm expecting a cancellation text at any moment!!Any ideas on how to handle it would be gratefully received!!!!

OP posts:
mmmwine · 13/10/2010 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
hangingbasket · 13/10/2010 17:50

He text me to arrange so i called him back. Seemed a little distant but he asked me about my day and we had a little laugh. Really not sure how to handle tomorrow though. I'm just scared that we're going to either end up sat in silence or just talk about anything but the real issue.

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 13/10/2010 18:11

Ideas how to handle it ?

Bring it up straight away. Clear the air. Tell him how sorry you are. Try to explain why you didn't tell him before having sex without protection and took his choice away...have you even got that straight in your own head ??? Confused

I am not being nasty here...you need to let him acknowledge that these thoughts will have been going through his head.

but also tell him you were misinformed about when the condition is contagious/not contagious and that you have done your research now so you know exactly how to manage it (I am trusting you have done that ?)

then of course, tell him you love him, want this to not break you up, but that you understand the ball is very firmly in his court (on this matter)

also remember to be kind to yourself, and athough you have done wrong you do not either deserve to beat yourself up nor to pay for this forever more, by turning into some sort of over-compensating doormat

ok ?

Original poster
hangingbasket · 13/10/2010 18:21

Basically, the 1st time we had sex, I meant to use condoms but they weren't to hand so i didn't (hangs head in shame). After that, i couldn't find a way to ask him to wear one seeing as i'd already let us have sex without one. Each time it got harder and harder (excuse the pun) to think of a reason to ask him to wear one until i just gave up trying to think of reasons. That was when the guilt set in.

OP posts:
BooBooImpaledOnBrokenGlass · 13/10/2010 18:25

Blimey, you need to work on being more assertive. You sound like a terrified child, not a participant in a mature relationship. Is it really so hard to mention condoms??