(d)h threatened to hit me

[itstimmy]

Yes I provoked him.

When we met he said he had threatened to hit a gf before. And he said if another lady talked to him in a provoking way he would hit her, as apparently 'women who provoke secretly want to be hit'.

There have been lots of small things over the last 7 years I have wanted to speak to him about, I have, to no avail, he will just cut me off with a threatening look or sarcasum. And there have been a number of big things over the years I have had to keep a lid on when really I wanted to go ballistic with him. This has led to me simmering with resentment and anger at him, I just want to speak out and be heard and for him to actually take some action...but I dare not for this threat.

So yesterday it was a minor incident, I have been 'needling' him about it and making a few snippy comments, and in front of dd which I'm not proud of but I can hardly tell her not to do something when her dad is...it needs both of them to stop and have spoken to both indvidually about it. And I made one last comment yesterday, I was just incredibly pissed off but could not tell him how annoyed I was due to constant threat so made a pointed 'look what has happened, don't do it to the next one' comment and he got up from table and went to other room.

About 15 min later he comes to room where I'm folding clothes and warns me that I nearly got hit. To stop provoking him or I will get hit. He was not threatening me or trying to bully me he was warning me. And that it would hurt (said that a few times) and we have two small children in the house and that he did not want to hit me but I was provoking him into it. He was v scary, as he rarely makes eye contact and he did yesterday. First I tried to put on a I'm not scared leave me alone look but he told me I was provoking him, so I told him in a calmer (upset way, I was scared) why I had done it and it was wrong to have provoked but I had done it because he has been ignoring what I've been saying and I just want him to listen to me. In the end after a few more 'warnings' I asked him to leave, so (cursing myself now) I left the room and went to bathroom (door shut) so quietly cry my heart out, then when he went out drinking last night to do it again. He has left house again for an hour now and I just want to cry again. When he's in room I just start meaningless things like stirring porridge, feel a bit shakey.

I don't know what to do now. Does this mean after 7 years he is going to start to hit me? What will count as 'provoking'? Will going out all the time be provoking as I don't want to be in the same room as him. There have been a number of incidents over the years that have made me want to leave but I think this could take the biscuit.

On another note I don't think he loves or cares for me which is probably also where the provoking comes from...

I feel humiliated and scared. Wish I could threaten to smack him one...but even if I had the advantage I would not.

I know I can be a martyr and annoying but what the hell do I do now? I cannot move on without him actually taking responsibility for his actions in the house without getting so wound up he won't listen to me and then I get wound up and want to vent but can't.

What a mess.

He's back shortly so if I go quiet its for a reason.

And I married him because he reminded me of abusive dad...

Just rechecked this...I think I can see why he wants to hit me...but I just want him to LISTEN. And the provocation is down to that...you know where you just want to go "AAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! DON'T DO THAT!!!!' and then whatever it is gets blown over, no big row, just a quick vent...imagine keeping a lid on that for 7 years...and there have been some whoppers where I wanted to just go completely wild and walk out that I've had to keep a lid on. Am excusing my behaviour now...how the hell do I get him to listen...thanks for reading so far...

OK I just want to draw your attention to 2 things

1. his reaction to the occupancy order

'its my property, she can't do that can she?'

1. Your comment

'I don't want to fleece h...'

YOU NEED A HOUSE FOR YOU AND THE DDS TO LIVE SAFELY.

You will not be fleecing him, get good advice and make sure you get what is rightfully yours, no more, no less.

If the show were on the other foot, his comment speaks volumes, he considers it all to be HIS.

Thanks kittywise, I would not want to be there though....I did want to know his reaction...I just think he's too calm and level headed and clever to let this bother him...

Lilmissunfortunateaccident - yep...seeing your point. Solicitor is clearly happy to go for as much as she can, was thinking of trying to rein her back a bit. THis is what h has always avoided, getting married so his money could be taken away if he got a divorce. I always said I was reasonable...I am but you are right, we do need somewhere to live and I want to secure the lifestyle h and i wanted for girls, grow up in a village and go to village school (also nice for me) but don't want them growing up in town, can get a big house for money but only if its in the rough area. I also want dd2 to go to same school as dd1, we really need to be in the catchment area or close to it to make sure she gets in, there was a baby boom when she was born in the area so I don't want to risk her not getting in.

Thing is I'm so quick off the mark when its something new and exciting. Something else is the state of our property, lovely old building and I've not really been looking after it...it needs a few flyladies in to make it presentable...and redecorating and the outside done...

I agree with kittywise - You don't want to fleece him, but you must get everything you're entitled to.

His lack of interest in the girls' welfare should confirm (not that you need it to) that everything you're doing is right.

Timmy, i am so glad you are doing so well.

Bear in mind that your dh has great earning potential, he works for the family business.

For him, getting a new mortgage will NOT be a problem.

Just make sure you get as much as you can for you and the girls, for he will sure as hell not look out for either of you. He will, however, try to ensure you (and the girls) have as little as possible, whereas he can get a new mortgage and a new house easily.

Okay I'm listening and my head tells me your right! Just been reading the narcissistic personality disorder website, always related it to my family, and tried to brush under the carpet how npd h is. But reading it with him in mind he ticks 80% of the boxes...its like a relief, its not me, he is just incapable of loving someone else...all the times I asked for affection and he withdrew even further...my eyes are open. Going to be a tough fight. He should be concerned about me and the girls, not his flipping car and money and house...its the people you live with that count surely...strange thing is I've been crying with fear and sadness at girls not having family time with us...but I'm not crying about getting a divorce...its just practical. I feel like I'm at fault, that i'm incapable of love, but I love the girls, have loved my pets, didn't love my parents and sister as it was never reciprocated same with ex bf's and h. I've just never been in a relationship with a person who truly loves me so I can let go of my defences and love them back (going all barbara cartland now...). So thinking of a cottage in a lovely village, our own place, little car and cottage how we want it, cosy not a monastic cell!

it's OK timmy, you are waking up to all this new reality, slowly and gradually.

If you think your solicitor is too radical and going for too much, consult another for comparison and speak to CAB.

Your desire for fairness is admirable, please don't lose sight though of how it would be if it was him in your position. I feel he would be more ruthless than you are contemplating. Don't lose too much sleep over him, he's tossed this all away, not you.

In time you may find a person to share your life that will give you and your girls proper family time. You seem lovely, so why not?

Hi Timmy, big congratulations on making it this far and remaining strong and determined, even though at times you've been scared.

Try and think of it as your motherly duty to your girls to get the best possible deal financially, so that you can give them the best sort of life possible.

You have a big fight on your hands I suspect, so you may as well start by asking for more than you intend to get, so there is room for negotiation. Take the advice from your solicitor otherwise there is no point in paying for it.

Best of luck x

Thanks lilmiss, I always seem to underestimate people, and h will be going for all he can get. I feel that he will be putting children first, however given his lack of asking about their wellbeing, wanting the car, the house, its not looking good is it...i mean i know he's emotionally cold but I always thought he would feel more for his children...logically he's going to be thinking they are fine with me so why ask so in a way he cares...I hope. He is so dedicated to dd1 and making sure she has a daddy to look up to but maybe that is the narccasist in him wanting unconditional adultaration.

Thanks toni, good advice, I can think of it as a motherly duty...and asking for more that we will get is a good tact. I don't want to be on bad terms with him, however I think I have that anyway as I dared to leave him...he once said that if someone does not like him/fancy him he sees that person as somehow faulty, something not quite right with them...so I must be extremely faulty!

best get to the shops then go out for day with girls, somewhere exciting.

"And what happened about arranging as and when? Sounds like good advice but still hoping to get them to their dad as often as possible, partly cause they need their daddy in their life, and guiltily...so I get a break sometimes!"

i mvoed out with d - then like you felt guilty....wanted them to see him, allowed him free access - he continued being controlling and abusive.

dc were confused, not knowing when he would come or not.

much better for all to have set days when all know for sure he will see dds. much easier for them. also then you know when you can plan your breaks. you dont want to be beholden to when he may or may not turn up.

let things settle - you say you want to eb amicable etc - yeh so did i - but you cant count on him also being this way... wait to see the lie of the land; set up regular fixed contact days and times for the next six months and see how that goes.

you can of course then add more in on ad hoc basis - but much better to agree a 24 hour notice at least. see how he is with turning up at set times first.

Thanks, I see where your coming from. I like to think he will put children first but I've yet to see this in over a week. I thought he cared and loved for them if not me, I thought he would always put them first no matter what. I think I'm wrong...

The fact he treats their mother like he does means he does not put the children first.

He puts himself first - and don't you go believing otherwise.

Some of the stuff you have said about him not wanting the girls to have too much of your affection, him taking over the girls especially DD1, another way to exert control, and not actually good for the children either...

well said Toni.

Like I said before, any normal caring apologetic, shit what have I done Husband, would, if it had gotten this far, at least would have made some atempt to find out where you all were and that you were all ok.

You will need to keep your wits about you for a long time, and if in doubt - always be dubious to begin with.

Timmy of course you want him to show he cares, show remorse say he's sorry. that's completely natural then it would mean that he wasn't such a shit.
I have often wondered what it is about these men that reels some women in. I am asking myself that very question atm.

I'm not going to go running back, honestly! Its more about what could have been if he had been affectionate and loving...yearning after what was never there. And given his complete lack of apparent concern over us, it still is not there! Its just a wanting this to be over and to be a 'normal' family again. Just a transistional period of time. But thanks homeboys for the reminder of what I could do if I let this go :)

Toni - I don't want to believe it...because he has shown so much consideration about how the girls are brought up (again more dd1 as she reminds him of himself...always 'shes just like me' ) I feel that he does care about the girls. He does have a v logical unemotional personality, he won't have enquired because there is nothing he can do and they will be fine with me. He only takes over with dd1, dd2 is a side issue, something that bugs me for her sake as she gets older.

Maxy - yes I definately need to keep my wits about me...still hoping for an easy life though, I did the extremely hard bit and I don't want another time like that!! So its making me a bit complacent. Calm before the storm right now though, wait till friday, bet he comes out all guns blazing.

Kitty - I was reeled in because he was just like my dad. Had just come out of a relationship with someone who let me make all the decisions and was not intellectual...met h who was complete opposite...I should have waited like I said I would! Your in similar relationship?

itstimmy

Your current H sounds like a narcissist to me and reading what you have written about him certainly proves it to me. BTW you can't have any sort of relationship with a narc; it does not work at all.

If you were to go back to him (and I would urge you not to do so!) it will be the biggest mistake you have ever made.

Re this comment as well:-
"He is so dedicated to dd1 and making sure she has a daddy to look up to but maybe that is the narccasist in him wanting unconditional adultaration".

Indeed. And not maybe either!. If you have not already read about NPD I would suggest you do so. People who enter into relationships with narcs usually only do so because one or both their own parents were themselves narcissistic so these children now adults get "trained".

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents - I was wondering what yours actually taught you. You don't have to answer that but I would surmise very damaging lessons.

Longer term you may want to enter into Womens Aid Freedom programme. Also such abusive men take years to recover from, your daughters will need support over the coming years as well.

Hi Attila :) - I'm wearing my original stripy rainbow colour socks...

Didn't know about the womans aid freedom program. Am hoping my influence will offset his...I do feel he is v controlling with dd1, gives her threatening looks to do as he wants her to do, has said he just wants her to do as she is told without fighting back...i see fighting back as normal! And healthy!

I don't need to tell you about my family because you know that one well...how is your dh doing with his family?

I remember you. The socks, I remember the socks!. You must get away from this man (I use that term advisedly) for your sake as well as the childrens'.

Well the outlaws are still as dysfunctional as ever if not even more so; they'd make a good case study for Raj Persaud or any clinical pysch, not that any of them would agree to be assessed. Narc BIL who lives with them has cut us off and has not spoken to us for a few years now - hooray:)!!.

Isn't it great when the npd/bpd ones cut you off...like its some terrible thing for you to endure

I am getting away from him...was kindly thinking he was aspergers for so long...but nah...I was kidding myself, he's more npd than my family.

Surely I will balance out his influence though? Don't want to think of my girls being damaged like I was :(

"Isn't it great when the npd/bpd ones cut you off...like its some terrible thing for you to endure"

LOL. My life in particular is a lot happier withut that twat of a BIL in it. His e-mails to my H were ranty and OTT. I feel sorry for DH though; its easier for me as I can look at it from the outside as it were. And DS np longer has an uncle on his Dad's side so my brother will carry that mantle solely now. Oh and my parents are still pretty much useless!.

You are and will be a good influence to your daughters as the non narcissist parent. You can and should (goes without saying really!) protect them from their dad's malign influences because all he cares about at the end of the day is him and narcs really do not care who they hurt in the process.

Does your brother live at home still?

You know considered leaving him after dd1 born but could not do that AND my family at the same time...should have done!

Newsflash!

h has been to see a solicitor, letter arrived with my solicitor today.

So guesses please with what it contained...btw it confirms what I thought he would do...

Would suggest that it contained something along the lines of legalese, jargon, empty promises and veiled threats.

BIL still lives at home. My brother (thankfully) moved out of his parents home many years ago.

Oooo gone for the house and the car

Or, said it's all a load of lies and that you've gone bonkers?

I wouldn't put anything past him...