(d)h threatened to hit me

[itstimmy]

Yes I provoked him.

When we met he said he had threatened to hit a gf before. And he said if another lady talked to him in a provoking way he would hit her, as apparently 'women who provoke secretly want to be hit'.

There have been lots of small things over the last 7 years I have wanted to speak to him about, I have, to no avail, he will just cut me off with a threatening look or sarcasum. And there have been a number of big things over the years I have had to keep a lid on when really I wanted to go ballistic with him. This has led to me simmering with resentment and anger at him, I just want to speak out and be heard and for him to actually take some action...but I dare not for this threat.

So yesterday it was a minor incident, I have been 'needling' him about it and making a few snippy comments, and in front of dd which I'm not proud of but I can hardly tell her not to do something when her dad is...it needs both of them to stop and have spoken to both indvidually about it. And I made one last comment yesterday, I was just incredibly pissed off but could not tell him how annoyed I was due to constant threat so made a pointed 'look what has happened, don't do it to the next one' comment and he got up from table and went to other room.

About 15 min later he comes to room where I'm folding clothes and warns me that I nearly got hit. To stop provoking him or I will get hit. He was not threatening me or trying to bully me he was warning me. And that it would hurt (said that a few times) and we have two small children in the house and that he did not want to hit me but I was provoking him into it. He was v scary, as he rarely makes eye contact and he did yesterday. First I tried to put on a I'm not scared leave me alone look but he told me I was provoking him, so I told him in a calmer (upset way, I was scared) why I had done it and it was wrong to have provoked but I had done it because he has been ignoring what I've been saying and I just want him to listen to me. In the end after a few more 'warnings' I asked him to leave, so (cursing myself now) I left the room and went to bathroom (door shut) so quietly cry my heart out, then when he went out drinking last night to do it again. He has left house again for an hour now and I just want to cry again. When he's in room I just start meaningless things like stirring porridge, feel a bit shakey.

I don't know what to do now. Does this mean after 7 years he is going to start to hit me? What will count as 'provoking'? Will going out all the time be provoking as I don't want to be in the same room as him. There have been a number of incidents over the years that have made me want to leave but I think this could take the biscuit.

On another note I don't think he loves or cares for me which is probably also where the provoking comes from...

I feel humiliated and scared. Wish I could threaten to smack him one...but even if I had the advantage I would not.

I know I can be a martyr and annoying but what the hell do I do now? I cannot move on without him actually taking responsibility for his actions in the house without getting so wound up he won't listen to me and then I get wound up and want to vent but can't.

What a mess.

He's back shortly so if I go quiet its for a reason.

And I married him because he reminded me of abusive dad...

Just rechecked this...I think I can see why he wants to hit me...but I just want him to LISTEN. And the provocation is down to that...you know where you just want to go "AAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! DON'T DO THAT!!!!' and then whatever it is gets blown over, no big row, just a quick vent...imagine keeping a lid on that for 7 years...and there have been some whoppers where I wanted to just go completely wild and walk out that I've had to keep a lid on. Am excusing my behaviour now...how the hell do I get him to listen...thanks for reading so far...

Timmy, I live with P like this, thinks even flipping the flipping duvet is too demeaning for him. That being asked to put the damp towels neatly over the towel rail to dry out and not go smelly is an outrage.

I loathe him, lately he makes my skin crawl, I've suffered so much at his hands, he has hit in the past, but not in years, I am a single parent, to my DS and to P, and I'm sick of it.

I don't have the control thing to contend with anymore, apart from keeping the house quite cos he needs his sleep I've literally rocked my boy from 1am to 5.30 am while he slept all night, did 12-4 in the office and pushed straight past me and went for a nap. And yes I'd told him I'd been up all night. My job apparently. But actually if he's asleep, he's not in the same room as me, so better.

P will go back to his country and my life will resume. I won't ever go over there again, so he'll have to come here, I doubt he will. It's not loss. Stay strong honey.

Timmy you have done the right thing. You will have your own life back, and in time so will I. You have reacted correctly and in the best interests of your girls. They will grow up to see that life is not about tip-toeing on broken glass and eggshells.

FWIW, I doubt this will end peacefully, but if you plan for the worst and hope for the best, you'll get through it OK. Keep you eyes on the goal, to live in freedom and peace.

Again, I applaud you!

lilmis he sounds dreadful! Why is he going back? Can't post much more now, got to spend some time with the girls instead of interenet but need support to get through today, to get through tomorrow at court. Hope your p buggers off soon...I've done the night thing to and not been offered a mite of empathy...

Congratulations Timmy on doing so well, and all best wishes for tomorrow in court.

Please let solicitor do the negotiating about access, as I don't feel you are yet emotionally distant enough from him - its early days - and he will do all in his power to make it stressful for you, and use the girls to manipulate your life.

Negotiating with him on a day-to-day basis is really the last thing you should be doing.

I think that residency means that there is legal evidence that kids' home is one particular address in one particular country. This is for should one partner do something silly and try to take them away the courts know it is an abuduction and not just two different perceptions of where home for kids are.

I think. Sure a lawyer could explain it better.

He's going back cos sitting on his arse smoking himself into oblivion and being waited on hand and foot is not an option here. Here you have to muck in and do things, here being a hands off dad and never there at stuff unless it's to make some kind of impression IS a bad thing.

Over there the more shit a man you are to your kids & your 'woman', apparently, the bigger man you are...

But this is not my thread.

Mine may come some day soon, once I've cooled down a smidge more. Right now, I can barely talk to him. Sadly, the hatred is growing, and it's getting worse not better.

Enough of me.

Keep on keeping on Timmy, you are a hero, and you will go further and further into happiness.

Again agreeing on all the advice for you here, put structures in place between you and him and leave the professionals to broker deals.

Lilm I'm very sorry - I know a man like that too.

You are clearly not treating him well enough. Good for you - hope he goes and never comes back eh!

Thanks shodatin and giveita go, I'm hearing you. Probably better in the long run for the girls if someone else deals with him about access. Maybe when he's calmed down and I'm more detatched we can start communicating more directly...

Lilms = he sounds disgusting...really disgusting...let me know when you give him the boot and I'll come and support you :)

Don't want to go to bed right now as it brings the morning closer. Not so much bothered about the judge, more the formal process...hearing the statement of our relationship, cringing about it all, thinking of him hearing it tho I have told him all of it at some point in our relationship. Its airing your dirty washing in public. Oh and worst of all my uncle is now my parents conduit...great. So ignoring his email, I asked him not to do this...ah well its not just one bad apple...the whole lot are bad apples...

Ah well best go and get some sleep and try to take this one step/hour at a time after all tomorrow is that much of a biggy...the biggy is being in the same flippin room as him for the occupancy order...anyone know more about that one? I don't know if I will be definant or defeated...so so scary to think of being back in same room, but keep thinking some women have been physically and sexually abused by their h and having to be in the same room...just feels so unfair to the victim

You'll be fine Timmy - Just think of those two gorgeous kids and that this is all to make their future a safe and happy place where their mummy can fill their room with toys and tell them she loves them as much as she likes... You are a strong, determined and brave woman.

Think of all the women who've come onto this thread and shared their stories with you. We're all there, in spirit, holding your hand.

You can do it!

have a million stories he genuinely can't see why I struggle to be civil.... hey ho...

Get some rest timmy, it'll be OK, we'll all be thinking of you!

what's with your uncle? if his attention is unwelcome, tell him. It's only his business if you want it to be.

be strong timmy!

Good luck for tomorrow. You have lots of lurking interent strangers thinking of you and cheering for you! x

ps God that sounded weird, but you know what I mean!

Hope things have gone well today timmy. Thinking of you.

at proudnscary.

Another lurking internet stranger wishing you well today. Good luck!

Hope things are going well for you today Timmy, remember we are all behind you 100000000% even if we can't be there with you.

Thank you for your support (in a presidential candidate kind of way) internet lurking strangers, was a bit crowded in the room with you there...

Judge (v genial bloke) didn't really ask any questions, just asked about where i was staying, if I had been hit, then said he would issue non mol order, next hearing fri 2pm and h will be there (trembling at thought of meeting with his grim stare)for occupancy order. He said not to worry about h being there, it would be okay and that bullies turn into wimps when they are stood up to like I am doing. He has not met h yet...h is convinced he is always right, no matter what or who says he isn't.

Statement of our relationship and build up to threat sounded just like a jilly cooper novel how embarressing...solicitor had reworded it to sound better I think and that's how it came accross. Hey ho, did the job...had to get scanned with metal detecter to get into building...that was a bit scary, bloke who did it was a bit 'fruity' with us ladies...'hey don't tremble too much I'll be getting the wrong idea!!' He was grey haired and not attractive...

Got a friend to look after girls on friday.

So now I wait till order is delivered at 6pm

Asked solicitor to put in covering letter on non mol order that I consider the money in my account ours to be dealt with a bit further on, the car is staying with me until we decide what to do about car/getting a new car/s and something else...

apparently the non mol order just means he has to be nice to me, I can talk to him about access but he can't in any way threaten me.

I can't remember what else.

And still mega peed off with my uncle, I know he thinks he is acting in my best interests but only I can know my best interests. He barely knows me. Its that old control thing coming back again, timmy can't look after herself, we are the adults, we will look after her as she is not capable of it. I am more capable of looking after myself than most of the population and I find it insulting that they think I need them. Problem is they need to be needed. Unfortuately I'm a wee bit too independant for their liking...I could not possibly cope alone...anyway rant about them over...I knew they would jump on bandwagon like a coven of vampires...

Glad all went well Timmy, it must be a huge relief for you!!

Keep being strong

What a relief, Timmy. Glad that bit's over. Roll on the w/e and then Friday will be over too.

Thanks guys, I'm going to be a wreck come friday, seeing him in that atmosphere at court, sitting across a office table from him...the rememberance of the threat he made, the stony look he gives, the simmering anger he keeps contained...just an air of menace...he will not be cowed like the solicitor and judge think he will be...they really really don't get what he's like....

Keep thinking maybe he will suddenly (it would have to be like in a dream cause its that far from reality) snap out of this violence, realise just how out of order he is, read my statement (not entirely happy with it but it served its purpose for now) and realise what a git he's been over the years and ta da!! changes into prince charming! and we all live happily ever after...someone pinch me...the opposite will happen...he will be extremely angry, will barely be able to contain it and will fight every step of the way...and hate me and want revenge for the rest of our lives...

Right better take girls out for another adventure in the city and hope that he stays calm tonight when he gets the order...I really hope he will be able to continue to hold in his anger...but for how much longer? Is this what will make him snap?

My neuropsych told me that in situations like that you should breathe in through your nose to a count of 3 and out through your mouth to a count of 5. It doesn't matter how quickly you do it so long as the outbreath is longer and slower than the inbreath. It works.

Take 3 of those breaths every time you feel scared. It doesn't take as long as you think and people won't notice you're doing it. It calms you down and stops impending panic.

Thanks jux, will try

Well done Timmy! So glad that's over. Hope Friday goes as smoothly for you.

jsut let his talking speak for itself. you dont ahve to see him until you go iside the court room. and there will be your sol as witness.

re: contact better for dds if you establish regular set times for now. having it vague does not work in teh intitial split, it really doesnt.

later, yes if all goes well then you can communicate and ahve flexibility but much easier for all if you and dds and he knows - weds evening they with him, alternate weekends they with him (or whatever might suit).

Thanks for update Timmy,

Easy for me to say, I know, but try not to stress out about Friday.

Maybe your H will surprise you all and play the repentant and devastated loving husband and father...in the court. Whatever, happens, the Judge will have seen and heard it all a thousand times, so all you have to do...as many have said...is plan for the worst and hope for the best. Will your solicitor be able to sort things so that you see as little as possible of your H on that day?

Roll on your new life, and remember, you are Beacon of light (is that the right expression? ...well ykwim ) for other women battling against threats and control and abuse.

Good Luck Timmy, you are a very brave lady.
You and your children deserve all the best that life has to offer.
x

Thanks itsallover :)

Cestlavielife - He can be charming if he wants to be. You have experience of arranging contact? What was the situation? And what happened about arranging as and when? Sounds like good advice but still hoping to get them to their dad as often as possible, partly cause they need their daddy in their life, and guiltily...so I get a break sometimes!

mumonthenet - from what the guy from the solicitors said who dropped off court papers to him...he's more concerned about keeping the house...oh and the car...still not enquired about the children...solicitor is going to get there early, before h gets there, however I'm having problems with a friend babysitting, and dd2 may not remember her, so that's a bit of a sticky problem, may text another friend but it clashes with her pick up time for her dd. Not sure what to do...maybe just be brave and have to go a bit late (get dd2 used to friend first) and see h there...I should be able to hold my head up high, I'm looking after OUR children as best I can and attending all these appts and making dozens of phonecalls all because of him, and me, 2 small girls and my cat are sharing a dining room in a friends house while he lives in a 3 bed house alone...with goldfish. Hope he fed it...

Beacon of hope nah! Just stubborn...

thanks misskaur08 :)

Anyway tonights update:

Bloke (ex bouncer, stank of fags, bout 5 ft tall, obviously been on the wrong side of many fights)read h his court papers...asked if he understood them. Bloke said h was calm and said he understood, sensed he was shocked 'they all are'. It mentioned occupancy order and h's comment was 'its my property, she can't do that can she?' bloke pointed out we were married eg half and half. H grumbled about it being friday and it not being much time to arrange a solicitor and would ask for an adjornment (therefore keeping girls out of school and house for longer!!) and bloke told him judge could well decide he had enough time and not to allow it...if he did not turn up it would be decided in my favour. Forgotten whatelse I got from bloke...did all but shine a light in his eyes...poor guy. But I did get satisfaction from hearing that h 'understood' the non mol order...well as much as he will care about it, but to me it means he understands I have the law on my side and he is to not threaten or hurt me in anyway, or my possessions.

Right best go to bed now, time fly's online. Oh and solicitor thinks I have a good chance of getting 175k for property! I don't want to fleece h but I want somewhere nice for myself and girls, near to school (we live in a posh catchment area...) I must be spoilt...but one has become accustomed to a certain standard of living...[hwink]

Oh I wish I could have been a fly on the wall when the blokie went round. These men, my p is the same think they know it all, always right and then when the law's thrown in their face it's another matter. You can't argue with the judge Hooray for you