(d)h threatened to hit me

[itstimmy]

Yes I provoked him.

When we met he said he had threatened to hit a gf before. And he said if another lady talked to him in a provoking way he would hit her, as apparently 'women who provoke secretly want to be hit'.

There have been lots of small things over the last 7 years I have wanted to speak to him about, I have, to no avail, he will just cut me off with a threatening look or sarcasum. And there have been a number of big things over the years I have had to keep a lid on when really I wanted to go ballistic with him. This has led to me simmering with resentment and anger at him, I just want to speak out and be heard and for him to actually take some action...but I dare not for this threat.

So yesterday it was a minor incident, I have been 'needling' him about it and making a few snippy comments, and in front of dd which I'm not proud of but I can hardly tell her not to do something when her dad is...it needs both of them to stop and have spoken to both indvidually about it. And I made one last comment yesterday, I was just incredibly pissed off but could not tell him how annoyed I was due to constant threat so made a pointed 'look what has happened, don't do it to the next one' comment and he got up from table and went to other room.

About 15 min later he comes to room where I'm folding clothes and warns me that I nearly got hit. To stop provoking him or I will get hit. He was not threatening me or trying to bully me he was warning me. And that it would hurt (said that a few times) and we have two small children in the house and that he did not want to hit me but I was provoking him into it. He was v scary, as he rarely makes eye contact and he did yesterday. First I tried to put on a I'm not scared leave me alone look but he told me I was provoking him, so I told him in a calmer (upset way, I was scared) why I had done it and it was wrong to have provoked but I had done it because he has been ignoring what I've been saying and I just want him to listen to me. In the end after a few more 'warnings' I asked him to leave, so (cursing myself now) I left the room and went to bathroom (door shut) so quietly cry my heart out, then when he went out drinking last night to do it again. He has left house again for an hour now and I just want to cry again. When he's in room I just start meaningless things like stirring porridge, feel a bit shakey.

I don't know what to do now. Does this mean after 7 years he is going to start to hit me? What will count as 'provoking'? Will going out all the time be provoking as I don't want to be in the same room as him. There have been a number of incidents over the years that have made me want to leave but I think this could take the biscuit.

On another note I don't think he loves or cares for me which is probably also where the provoking comes from...

I feel humiliated and scared. Wish I could threaten to smack him one...but even if I had the advantage I would not.

I know I can be a martyr and annoying but what the hell do I do now? I cannot move on without him actually taking responsibility for his actions in the house without getting so wound up he won't listen to me and then I get wound up and want to vent but can't.

What a mess.

He's back shortly so if I go quiet its for a reason.

And I married him because he reminded me of abusive dad...

Just rechecked this...I think I can see why he wants to hit me...but I just want him to LISTEN. And the provocation is down to that...you know where you just want to go "AAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! DON'T DO THAT!!!!' and then whatever it is gets blown over, no big row, just a quick vent...imagine keeping a lid on that for 7 years...and there have been some whoppers where I wanted to just go completely wild and walk out that I've had to keep a lid on. Am excusing my behaviour now...how the hell do I get him to listen...thanks for reading so far...

Timmy, you are lovely to care about your H so much.

But a reality check: Did you do anything to prevent H from knowing where drivers licence, etc are over the years?

wow Timmy. My hat off to you. You are amazing.

He can go to the bank and sort out his own access, I wouldnt reply to him.
Can you remove yourself from the joint account?
In case he goes overdrawn, you will be liable for his debt too, I think, as long as the account is joint. Better to close your part of it, if you can.

As for all the other things, it is in his power to sort out everything himself. He is a grown up, and not a child. Please dont worry about him.

Hi Timmy - just realised my last post was a bit ambiguous. Queeheehee(etc) has said what I was trying to say much better.

Please don't worry about him, or feel that somehow you were supposed to do something to avoid him having to work out for himself how to manage his finances.

not always lovely, can be a b*tch...sure that will come out more in the next few weeks.

Residency didn't get, solicitor said he had to be given the chance to show he could be trusted with girls, that it wasn't worth his while to take them as if he did not bring them back at a time agreed with me, solicitor would ring him, if no reply woudl apply for an emergency residency order then then the next day police would go out and get girls. After that he would only see them through a contact center or supervised contact, basically not worth his while in the long run. Given that over his head I don't see him doing it. He has no passport and they don't have passports, intend to rectify that so I can keep them in a safe place.

Re occupancy order if he breaks taht and comes in 100mtrs of our house or pesters me the police are by law to arrest him, put him in cell and leave him till judge has time to deal with him then 5 year jail term. She said non molest order not as good, 5 year term but you have to go through the court system ie 4 to 6 months before anything happens!!!!! Can you believe that...but she thought it a good thing as he has not been in trouble with police before so should be a real wake up call to him, in a good way I hope as in 'must not go to prision' way...

My mobile buzzed with another txt but not checked who sent it, turned off mobile, really want to look and help him with whatever but solicitor has said best to not do any contact until we get order in place.

I was out of house with girls, first time since monday!!! in town and I just kept feeling sick and incrediably sad and nervous and scared just want my hand held this is so horrible. I don't want all this to happen but I can't go back it would be licence for him to hit me. Nor do I want to use the law to protect me but I don't feel safe going back without his behaviour being under supervision. Dread going home, want girls to get back and dd1 back to school but the thought of going home with all his things permanently gone, how sad will girls be. There again he doesn't really have many possesions...he likes a monastic like house...white walls, carpet one colour and v few pictures up, no clutter and toys around. Well that's something, I can add to girls toy collection with him gone, he doesn't like them having so much. And I'm going to get a big dog to guard us.

and yes he's not a child...he was happy to leave everything up to me...

oh and rang bank, they say there is no block on the acct, maybe at branch office then???

Timmy i've been following tour thread f rom the start, please let me tell you, you are amazing!! I know you'll feel frightened and alone but there are virtually dozens of women cheering for you and holding your hand...stay strong baby you've done the right thing for your dcs and for you!!

Or maybe not at bank at all, but merely an excuse to needle you?

Agree with Jux - he has probably twigged that you might think about taking some money out and is trying to scare you out of doing it.

Obviously he is so clueless he doesn't know you've already taken your fair share out.

I thin he knows about the money going to be honest, more game playing

just going to have to ignore him. My friends are not back till 8 and later tonight and I get them to read the texts first.

But must get perspective, like you say dozens supporting me online, solicitor (her job to support my case but the fact she wants to get an emergency injunction and I can have a divorce straight off says something about my evidence) the policeman agreed with me it was a slippery slope and passed paperwork on to domestic violence unit and wanted all updated addresses so they knew who i was and where i was to protect me, the wa agreed with me, the local dv lady has been lovely and said she wished everyone got out so quick. Its just h has such a say in the upbringing of the girls and if deems i have done irreversable harm to them that would kill me inside knowing that. That's what I fear could be in the texts.

we both come from abusive families and know the impact of abuse, I think i still am affected by it and could do with more work on myself. I feel dh is in denial about how it has impacted on him, he's never wrong, often says yes to something when he actually means no (something he hates his parents doing to him) and has real issues with women. He seems to go for the vunrable (sp!) ones... ie younger than him by up to 10 yrs.

Sorry rambling on now, I'm just trying to clear my head...think I will go ring dv lady again...

usual lady out spoke to another. I think its the thought of a whole weekend without any support. she gave me another number to ring for support over weekend and my friends will be about abit.

This is so hard...have i said that already? just have urge to see whats urgent and to help. I did say i would contact after a few days. If he phones the police they have both our details and say they will tell him we are safe.

Just wait till he sees that money gone. Lady at local dv reassured me that it would only be urgent if it were the girls. Just dread its something else and if it is I will want to answer...

Going to have a quick look at properties again, I don't want the one we have, always disliked it and I want somewhere I can make new memories, but feel sad at same time leaving house where our babies grew up...

Maybe look at dogs too...

Anyone got any thoughts on how I could make the money work for me? My friends have suggested keeping house, getting a mortgage on that to buy another house and pay the mortgage using rent/income from that house...not sure how i could do that tho...he will need money to put down on a property too...

...a bite your b*llocks off type dog...but good with children and cat.

Sounds good, you are making plans.

I think regards the current house, you need to find out if you and your husband are joint owners. If so, he either needs to buy out your share, or you both agree to sell the house and share the proceeds.
Do you want to keep it?

If you want to turn it into a rental property, you can get a buy to let mortgage, and set the rent in such a way that the rent tallies with the market rate, and repay the mortgage with the rent. You can opt for an interest only mortgage if you want to keep a higher level of income on the house for yourself (some put aside for maintenance and repairs). This means that when you sell the house, you will not have paid down any mortgage and your profit will entirely be on the increased value of the house.

You dont have to decide the finer details yet.

Do you want to go on living in the same area? Or do you want to move closer to friends and/or family?

Thanks guys. Each time you say brave and inspiring i keep looking over my shoulder for who you mean. Really do not feel that way. But thank you!

Interesting about buy to let mortgage and saving money for repairs etc. How would all that work? The property 5 yr ago was worth 180k there are 50k savings and 10k I left him. So much will have to go on solicitor fees/estate agents (5k???) and we are to have no ties financially before divorce can go through.

Got the texts...nope no 'i love you desparately so sorry i have moved out come back and i miss the girls so much'...

Instead
a) cancel the joiner I can't afford to have the work done

Well joiner had to speak to me to confirm final details first anyhow...

b) I want the car back, its mine. If its not back by monday evening i will take steps to recover it.

Well by monday evening if all goes well he will have had a court order telling him to stop harrassing me or harming me. Will talk to solicior on monday about it. She thinks of it as part of the settlement.

Feel bad for the joiner though...2nd quote I've had from him for door...

Suspect he may have found out about money if he said he does not have enough as opposed to i can't get to it...but doesn't sound angry enough about it...maybe letting out anger in those texts cause they sound quite peed off...

No more I love you's then (as annie would say)...well not that I ever had them anyway...so not really missing them...

Thank you guys for keeping my spirits up, don't want to do this without support...always refused before but taking all i can for my girls sake now

I think one poster mentioned residency and the fact that it took the df not to bring child back for her to ensure residency.

I saw a solicitor a few years back and she offered residency straight off (my dh overseas national) as a serious option for me. She pointed out it was less that he was an overseas national but more that he seemed to loathe me and with international travel so easy it could be a risk.

Ensure you have all lines of actions open.

What does residency mean exactly? Contact center or supervised access? Or able to take from school etc?

Well, at least you know that he wants the car - it's most likely to get you to crawl back - just ignore it, but do the thing we said earlier about getting it to a neutral space and posting him the keys.
you can ask your solicitor to advise him of that.

You're doing really well - I'm amazed how strong you are. :)

You're so organised! I am gobsmacked by your strength. You're fabulous, and your girls are so lucky to have you. What a great example you are to them. (I am v envious and really wish I could be like you!)

Could anyone tell me if when a non molestation order is in place can I contact him at all re having girls? I'm happy to do it on a day by day basis depending on what's happening with both of us and how the girls are and what they want to do that day...but if we can't speak at all do we just have to go with a fixed arrangement?

Thanks pickledbabe, think i'm waiting for him to realise how serious he is before deciding on the car, the solicitor says its a matrimonial asset, if h wants to play this the cheaper way we may sell and get two smaller cars or something, I don't want to jump into anything straight away without sorting out the best financial solution first.

Just hoping he's going to stay relatively calm (after a bit of a anger) and keep eye on girls and what this is costing.

Still up in the air on where we will be living, in our house or buying two smaller houses, even a flat is £115k where we live, a house in the catchment area where we have dd1 going to school is £175k

be like me? oh no you don't have history of emotional abuse by family who i have broken off all contact with, witnessed my mother being emotional abused and threatened by father (I feared him) and she was first completely dependant on her dad then her husband, I think that's why I organise everything myself finance wise with partners, don't like to not know what is going on and be completely dependant. My family taught me from 2.5yr up that I was completely alone emotionally in this world so used to taking care of myself, unfortunately i keep falling into same emotionally abusive relationships (friendship and partners) and I keep think i'm working my way free...i think i'm freer than i ever have been before...its been a long journey since I was younger than dd1

Wow, been away from this thread as I've had a few minor dramas, but just wanted to say WOW! You are doing so well and being so strong. Your girls are lucky to have you

A sole residency order means that the children live with you and you get to make the decisions regarding them. You could then choose to allow your ex contact and under what circumstances. Or he could apply to court for a contact order at which point you could ask for supervised contact etc. The judge would then probably ask for CAFCAS to produce a report and recommendations.

I can't advise regarding the non-mol order (WA may be able to help) but I would strongly recommend a fixed contact schedule. It reduces the need for you to talk to him and also means that your DCs know when they will be seeing their dad.

Alloverit - Minor dramas can still be big in your own life!

Snorbs - thanks you have had experience of this? Probably for the best the fixed contact, just inflexible, but maybe that is something I could sort out with him further down the line. If I can let the non mol and occ order lapse after 6 mths so long as he behaves himself we can be more flexible...or am I being unbelieveably optimistic this can ever end amicably?

Guessing he will give me the cold shoulder treatment. When I think back to how he can be with me when he's been peed off with my lack of application to the housework/tea late as usual/me trying to find everything to get out the door with girls on an afternoon out...I'll be so glad to be rid of that. His point of view was so 1950's, woman do all housework/childcare/cooking/paperwork (bit more modern that bit) and he brings in the money. I don't think he ever got the point that him helping a tiny bit with the housework helped me alot in feeling I was not alone. When I ever asked for help he asked if I would like to do his job for a day, which physically would be impossible for me to do he would just end discussion with that. I have spent the last nearly 5 years feeling like a single parent anyway, the difference is he will not be in the house to mess up any routines I put in place, told him before we split having him in the house was like having a 3rd child...maybe that provoked him?

Just thinking what I could do now...have a dog (need big dog, child/cat friendly, not too active), do my flylady with more vigour cause its not being screwed up by his stubboness to not mess up what I do, do, sort out garage when he has girls, do some decorating when he has girls, in whatever colours I like!!! Other than magnolia! Put pictures up, move kingsize bed to big front sunny bedroom, get furniture! He didn't want furniture, get a bookcase he didn't want! Add to dd1s soft toy collection without guilt. I won't ever have to sit on a toilet seat sprayed with wee anymore! Woo! Get the girls up at a different time, get dd1s breakfast, something I wasn't allowed to do before. Put radio's in every room and have a noisy house! Watch trash tv instead of educational tv (bout churches/art/coast/time team), alter bedtimes as I see fit...wow...

Going to print out this thread and keep how I felt at split up and what it used to be like....