(d)h threatened to hit me

[itstimmy]

Yes I provoked him.

When we met he said he had threatened to hit a gf before. And he said if another lady talked to him in a provoking way he would hit her, as apparently 'women who provoke secretly want to be hit'.

There have been lots of small things over the last 7 years I have wanted to speak to him about, I have, to no avail, he will just cut me off with a threatening look or sarcasum. And there have been a number of big things over the years I have had to keep a lid on when really I wanted to go ballistic with him. This has led to me simmering with resentment and anger at him, I just want to speak out and be heard and for him to actually take some action...but I dare not for this threat.

So yesterday it was a minor incident, I have been 'needling' him about it and making a few snippy comments, and in front of dd which I'm not proud of but I can hardly tell her not to do something when her dad is...it needs both of them to stop and have spoken to both indvidually about it. And I made one last comment yesterday, I was just incredibly pissed off but could not tell him how annoyed I was due to constant threat so made a pointed 'look what has happened, don't do it to the next one' comment and he got up from table and went to other room.

About 15 min later he comes to room where I'm folding clothes and warns me that I nearly got hit. To stop provoking him or I will get hit. He was not threatening me or trying to bully me he was warning me. And that it would hurt (said that a few times) and we have two small children in the house and that he did not want to hit me but I was provoking him into it. He was v scary, as he rarely makes eye contact and he did yesterday. First I tried to put on a I'm not scared leave me alone look but he told me I was provoking him, so I told him in a calmer (upset way, I was scared) why I had done it and it was wrong to have provoked but I had done it because he has been ignoring what I've been saying and I just want him to listen to me. In the end after a few more 'warnings' I asked him to leave, so (cursing myself now) I left the room and went to bathroom (door shut) so quietly cry my heart out, then when he went out drinking last night to do it again. He has left house again for an hour now and I just want to cry again. When he's in room I just start meaningless things like stirring porridge, feel a bit shakey.

I don't know what to do now. Does this mean after 7 years he is going to start to hit me? What will count as 'provoking'? Will going out all the time be provoking as I don't want to be in the same room as him. There have been a number of incidents over the years that have made me want to leave but I think this could take the biscuit.

On another note I don't think he loves or cares for me which is probably also where the provoking comes from...

I feel humiliated and scared. Wish I could threaten to smack him one...but even if I had the advantage I would not.

I know I can be a martyr and annoying but what the hell do I do now? I cannot move on without him actually taking responsibility for his actions in the house without getting so wound up he won't listen to me and then I get wound up and want to vent but can't.

What a mess.

He's back shortly so if I go quiet its for a reason.

And I married him because he reminded me of abusive dad...

Just rechecked this...I think I can see why he wants to hit me...but I just want him to LISTEN. And the provocation is down to that...you know where you just want to go "AAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! DON'T DO THAT!!!!' and then whatever it is gets blown over, no big row, just a quick vent...imagine keeping a lid on that for 7 years...and there have been some whoppers where I wanted to just go completely wild and walk out that I've had to keep a lid on. Am excusing my behaviour now...how the hell do I get him to listen...thanks for reading so far...

Empowering songs, as requested:

I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair! (from South Pacific)

I will survive - Gloria Gaynor (cliche I know, but excellent anyway)

I've come a long way - Michelle Shocked

How about Lily Allen's - Fuck You, Fuck you very mu- uuu-uuch! (Sung in such a sweet tinkly way too!)

You're Moving Out Today by Carole Bayer Sager (what a hilarious classic!)

Because I WANT to! - Billie Piper

I absolutely love the idea of your response to car text simply being - to park it somewhere and send him the keys rather than entering in to a conversation about it, which is probably what he's counting on.

Interesting that his main concern is about his car and himself, not about how you and the kids are. Think these texts should be kept as evidence for when he changes tack and starts accusing you of not putting kids first etc.

Hope it went ok at solicitors, Timmy.

When he gets a copper coming to his work to deliver the order, perhaps he will twig that he pushed you too far with his vicious threats and that you actually are NOT a woman to be messed with, but a fiercely protective lioness of a mother.

Whenever you waver - go back and read your initial post, back in the days when you believed it was all your fault for 'provoking' him! Still feel that way? - No, of course not!

KEEP STRONG, brave (as you're doing this even though you are terrified, which is the definition of the word brave) woman!

Good luck!

BTW the registered keeper does NOT have to be the one to sort out car insurance, but the main driver does.

DH is registered keeper but I insure the car as I am the main driver - he is only a named driver.

Survivor by Destiny's Child.

Also check out the Miseducation of Lauryn Hill album, especially songs like 'I used to love him' and 'Forgive them Father'.

Hope all has gone well with the solicitor, and that its helped you feel better too having someone to deal with all the crap. Maybe as has been suggested, all future contact could be done this way? Expensive but worth it.

Car stuff is just an excuse on his part, its really about still wanting to exert influence over you. Depending on what solicitor says of course, it might be best for you to just get rid.

One final thing and I really dont want to scare you but I do need to say this: please take your family's personal safety very seriously, particularly once the order has been served.

Hope all has gone well and you're armed with your rights!

Hope the girls are okay too x

yes correct myself - poster above is right per se -- i found out - "There is no law to say that the policyholder should be the registered keeper. However you will find it really difficult to get car insurance if the policy holder/main driver is not the actual registered keeper. There are only a handful of companies which will accept that and they're changing the rules as well. "

which was the problem i faced when trying to insure when i was not the registerd keeper.

if you not the registered keeper and try to insure - quotes might be higher and some companies wont do it?

don't think my sis ever had any problems insuring you know, she is not registered keeper?

quick message...solicitor went well, didn't get residency and gave me reasons why. Going to court tomorrow for emergency court order for non molestation, could take all morning so another wonderful friend is going to babysit, dd1 v fond of her and friend loves babies and is v good with them...well dd2 is 18 mth but still a baby! It will be delivered in person by the solicitors ex bouncer man by tomorrow afternoon. The occupancy order i should get by thursday, so that's the earliest we could go home.

Re the car she said nothing he can do, to keep it until next week and the issues are being resolved, but will insurance still cover me?

Re divorce she said she said I would have no problems whatsoever, I could go for one right a way but to wait until things are settling down again.

Re money don't spend it on anything frivilous just neccessities so we can prove that to the court and basically share it out after that.

Having enabled him to go to work by ooking after children I am entitled to a good settlement and to look after them.

Re homes, she said if i'm planning to move house so we can split money to buy 2 properties she suggests I look at properties that will keep me in lifestyle we are accustomed too (sound like lady of leisure) and get them priced up and the judge will most likely decide to give me enough to buy the property

loads else i'm sure, gave statement, what made me cry is occupancy order, he can't come within 100 mtrs of house, so no way he can read dd1 her bedtime stories :( :( :(

drained again now, head bit achy, hope we can have dd1 back at school as soon as...

Maybe after he's served with a court order telling him not to threaten me again he will realise he was in the wrong and realise what he's lost? Nope, won't happen.

oh and she said best not respond to txts....court order will tell him all he needs to know...got to go

Stay as strong as you are Timmy, and remember we are all backing you!!

stay strong - do not be sad about the occupancy, in the long run, what you have done will far outweigh the long term benefits for your daughters than a story reading. Just you remember that - you are also doing this for the long term. Even if he realised what he has done - doesn't make him a sane person or a nice one for that matter.

If I had ran away with our DS, DH would be beside himself and wanting to know what was going on (in a non shouty way) he is an abuser. Remember that - YOU are doing the right thing, doesn't always make that thing easy. x

I mean your H is an abuser (not referring to my DH then )

You did well, Timmy. About the bedtime stories, really, things will settle down over the next year or so and it may well be the case that your ex can have a good relationship with his dcs at some stage in the future. I went to a refuge with DD in mid-200 and used a contact centre at the start (was petrified he'd disappear with her), but now DD and my ex have lots of contact and a loving relationship. And she can love him with much less ambivalence, as she doesn't have to witness him harming me.

thank you for messages of reassurance re dd's, got more from who i'm staying with now she was a single parent for a long time.

I've had more texts, one last night I did not receive until this morning (crap mobile).

'There are 3 matters needing your attention. i will text each one separately at intervals tomorrow to try and avoid mix up. could you confirm reciept of this text asap please. also confirm reciept tomorrow'

2nd txt came this morning...

Did he ask about girls?...

nope.

'when an unauthorised withdrawal is made the bank is legally bound to freeze the account. I have no access to money whatsoever. You need to go to a * bank and write a letter of authorisation to reopen the account. msg1 end.'

So to sum up, he's locked himself out of our bank acct....need not have stressed over taking the money out...just wait till he sees the balance...

going to let solicitor know, I don't want to leave him with no access to money tho I do know he has a stash at work.

If it's a joint account, then how is it an unauthorised withdrawal? You have as much access to the money as he does.

He does not use the account, I use it, he doesn't know the pin no for his bank card...

Hi Timmy,

as Templemaiden says, how is it an unauthorised withdrawal. Even if he doesn't use that account - it's still in joint names?

BTW you are doing really well.

Honestly, the mood he's in, if he does manage to gain access to the account, it sounds like he would empty it. If you are sure that he access to other money, I would avoid answering that text and take advice on how to deal with it. He also sounds as though he is doing the text equivalent of speaking veeeery slowly (separate texts to avoid mixups? ha!) and treating you like a child.

Please do not underestimate how he is going to react to you leaving him. You made the very brave decision of going before he got really violent- he was not expecting it at all and is broadsided at the moment. When he regains his composure, he may well unleash all hell. Please do everything you can to protect yourself, physically, emotionally, and financially, for your girls' sake.

[as an aside- Have you rung your DD1's headteacher to inform her of what the situation is? Obviously do NOT, for safety's sake, tell the school where you are (he would find out somehow- unless you have witnessed the lengths abusive men will go to to retain control you would not believe it). Be honest with the Headteacher- tell her that you are fleeing a DV situation, and that you cannot risk bringing your DD to school at the moment.]

Morning Timmy.

Oh dear, he's really fishing hard now, isn't he? Can I assume you have declined to acknowledge his texts?

The bank stuff sounds ridiculous. It is clearly not your withdrawal that was unauthorised, so forget about that.

Talk to you solicitor about what you need to do, if anything, with regards to helping him access his money in the joint account. If it is truly a joint account, he should be able to get at it by going into a branch, so long as he is able to prove who he is.

Similarly, pin no for his bank card, he will be able to get a new one sent out by the bank if he needs it.

He really was supremely confident that you would never dare to stop servicing him, wasn't he?

You have done so well to break his grip on you. Keep strong and don't let him wheedle his way back in with these tricks.

Feel like I am underestimating at the moment, just keep thinking it will all be fine because its been so quiet from him at the moment.

Spoken to secretary at school and I said I think dd1 would be hopefully back after the holidays. They seemed happy enough about that and asked if I needed any help/support. Will speak to them more when dd1 does go back to school.

It is a joint account, he may have problems proving who he is...he does know where the bank statements are but will have no idea about drivers licence/passport/all bills are in my name, car records are in my keeping at the moment...

I have not texted or rung him since monday. Now left waiting for next text. I sense he's getting a bit peed off. He once got left without money before and I did not want to leave him without access but I was in such a state I was too busy getting my stuff together to sort out access to our money...I did mean to but it was not a priority.

How about the song - when the going gets tough...

Oh and looking at properties last night, solicitor made me laugh when she said the judge will prioritise me and girls getting a house that is in the lifestyle I have become accustomed too...like lady of the manor! We have enough money (sell house split savings) to get a flat each, but that's not what I'm accustomed too...I told her I was happy to downsize to a 2 bed property (with a garden, big bugbear with me) but that would be in the region of 175k, 60k over budget. But its in the area the girls go to school in and in villages which is where we wanted to bring the girls up...it will just leave him without anything for a while, he won't get a mortgage.

Is it likely that he tried to withdraw all the money that you had already withdrawn the day before?

If the bank account was empty then an attempted withdrawal of such a large sum of money would set all the security red flags waving, while they assume it's fraud and they automatically freeze the account while it's sorted out. It doesn't make sense him saying that he has no access to money if he doesn't usually use the account anyway.

He's obviously not going to admit that to you though. He just wants you to unlock the account.

Have you had the other messages? Why didn't you get residency?

How about a mesher order? Have you asked about that?

Hmm, not always great though my sis is going down this route but think it would be silly for her....ah well.

Do you still want to stay in the same area now, if it means living where he is?