(d)h threatened to hit me

[itstimmy]

Yes I provoked him.

When we met he said he had threatened to hit a gf before. And he said if another lady talked to him in a provoking way he would hit her, as apparently 'women who provoke secretly want to be hit'.

There have been lots of small things over the last 7 years I have wanted to speak to him about, I have, to no avail, he will just cut me off with a threatening look or sarcasum. And there have been a number of big things over the years I have had to keep a lid on when really I wanted to go ballistic with him. This has led to me simmering with resentment and anger at him, I just want to speak out and be heard and for him to actually take some action...but I dare not for this threat.

So yesterday it was a minor incident, I have been 'needling' him about it and making a few snippy comments, and in front of dd which I'm not proud of but I can hardly tell her not to do something when her dad is...it needs both of them to stop and have spoken to both indvidually about it. And I made one last comment yesterday, I was just incredibly pissed off but could not tell him how annoyed I was due to constant threat so made a pointed 'look what has happened, don't do it to the next one' comment and he got up from table and went to other room.

About 15 min later he comes to room where I'm folding clothes and warns me that I nearly got hit. To stop provoking him or I will get hit. He was not threatening me or trying to bully me he was warning me. And that it would hurt (said that a few times) and we have two small children in the house and that he did not want to hit me but I was provoking him into it. He was v scary, as he rarely makes eye contact and he did yesterday. First I tried to put on a I'm not scared leave me alone look but he told me I was provoking him, so I told him in a calmer (upset way, I was scared) why I had done it and it was wrong to have provoked but I had done it because he has been ignoring what I've been saying and I just want him to listen to me. In the end after a few more 'warnings' I asked him to leave, so (cursing myself now) I left the room and went to bathroom (door shut) so quietly cry my heart out, then when he went out drinking last night to do it again. He has left house again for an hour now and I just want to cry again. When he's in room I just start meaningless things like stirring porridge, feel a bit shakey.

I don't know what to do now. Does this mean after 7 years he is going to start to hit me? What will count as 'provoking'? Will going out all the time be provoking as I don't want to be in the same room as him. There have been a number of incidents over the years that have made me want to leave but I think this could take the biscuit.

On another note I don't think he loves or cares for me which is probably also where the provoking comes from...

I feel humiliated and scared. Wish I could threaten to smack him one...but even if I had the advantage I would not.

I know I can be a martyr and annoying but what the hell do I do now? I cannot move on without him actually taking responsibility for his actions in the house without getting so wound up he won't listen to me and then I get wound up and want to vent but can't.

What a mess.

He's back shortly so if I go quiet its for a reason.

And I married him because he reminded me of abusive dad...

Just rechecked this...I think I can see why he wants to hit me...but I just want him to LISTEN. And the provocation is down to that...you know where you just want to go "AAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! DON'T DO THAT!!!!' and then whatever it is gets blown over, no big row, just a quick vent...imagine keeping a lid on that for 7 years...and there have been some whoppers where I wanted to just go completely wild and walk out that I've had to keep a lid on. Am excusing my behaviour now...how the hell do I get him to listen...thanks for reading so far...

where do you live maxy?

this is scary i know he knows how to scare people... anyone legal here? HOw quick do i hand it over?

Only if HE bought it cestlavielife, if they used joint account to buy it then it is not "his" - but she is buggered with the insurance side of it anyway - so get rid of it!

North west? he really will you know if he can.

If it was joint money that bought it, then timmy will have to brign that up with the solicitor in order to get her half ofthe money.

Legally, according to documents, it's his car, as it's in his name only.

I think the best thing for you to do is buy a new car tomorrow, then leave the old car somewhere safe, and send him the keys. send him an email to say you have done this.

I fhe's that controlling, he can cancel the insurance and set up new insurance in his own name.
He could also report the car as stolen to the police. (stolen means taken without owner's consent - still applies if her name is on the insurance, as her namne isn't on the ownership papers)

Well, look, if you feel you should hand it over you can text him to tell him so. If he doesn't respond then you have a record of your attempting to ensure you hand over what is legally his. If he doesn't respond, well then his tough shit really.

DS one sounds like she's been unshackled.

My sister is going through a divorce with her Husband. they had two cars. One shitty, one good. Sis is registered keeper of his and vice versa, now he wants the car because it's his - cept they are both "theirs" she even rang the police about it and they just laughed basically as no, he can't do anything about it til divorce goes through in my sisters case.

He cannot report it as stolen - it is currently a domestic issue and they are married. My sisters H wanted to do this - report her to the police for stealing it - this is what they laughed at. She's only buggered as she is only a named driver, hasn't got her own insurance.

really? I would have thought the divorce thing would have muddied the waters. BUt hten, I suppose if they're married, legaly everything belong to them both.
hmmmm.
interesting...

she'll still need to sort out insurance - if she can still sue the car, she is now the main driver, and therefore can't be a named driver on the policy: she has to have insurance in her own name.

use not sue!

Not over by any stretch yet I'm afraid. Stay strong. Buy a cheap 2nd car, return his fecking banger to him using advised method. Don't let any possession be a way for him to have any contact with you or gain any control over you. Shed everything you have to.

Yeah, what region are you in timmy - I'm in SE (Surrey) if that's any good? I'll drop it over to him if that's any use to you?

What is vehicle keeper information?

DVLA holds a register containing details of all vehicles licensed for use on the road along with the name and address of the registered keeper for each vehicle.

The registered keeper is the person or organisation responsible for the licensing and use of a vehicle. The registered keeper is often, but not always, the legal owner of the vehicle

But yes as said the insurance is the thing buggering it up. Get rid anyway, the less he has over you the better 9so to speak)

I also agree that you should just get rid.

Fresh start and all that

thank you so much for offers to drop off car, not in your regions unfortunately! but wow so kind!

He is reg keeper just got new tax disc. Should i ring police and ask where i stand...and if they say its domestic reinsure it, i do all of that stuff anyway and have documents with me...don't want to shell out for anything. and if i hand it over, could i accidently on purpose put petrol in diesel engine so he couldn't get home in it and would have to call out breakdown service? (only kidding!! but tempting...)

Hi Timmy, I'm so glad to hear that you've taken this really big step. I just wanted to weight in with a few suggestions from someone who was in your DD's position myself at, I'm guessing, around about the same age.

Firstly, don't ever let yourself feel you haven't done the right thing by your children. My mum left my abusive alcoholic father when I was 6, and for years she thought I resented her for it. I didn't. Not at ALL. If anything, I thought she should've done it sooner. Sure, it was hard, because even though I knew his behaviour was terrible, I did still love him, and I missed him. But that was nowhere near as traumatic as hearing the beatings from my room, dreading the sound of the front door opening and living in constant terror that one day he'd actually kill my mother. I'd rather have been deprived of my father (which I eventually was, he stopped attending contact) than my mother be murdered. Try not to think in terms of what you're depriving them of - after all, I'm sorry to say it sounds like they don't have a father anyway, they have a tyrant. They're going from one form of not-having-much-of-a-father to another, less traumatic form. Lesser of two evils, right? And who knows, hopefully you'll meet a wonderful, kind, loving, gentle man who'll be the husband and father you and your girls deserve.

Secondly, in your position I would give serious consideration to moving and not giving him your address. If the court does award you the house, think about renting it out (through an agent so no-one has your details) or even selling up and moving somewhere else. If you really want to stay there, please at least get your locks changed. The upheaval it would cause is still going to be better than him turning up and harassing you. If at any time you feel unsafe where you are, then PLEASE call Women's Aid and ask them to get you into a shelter. Also, if you have to call the police, mention that you've had contact with them already over this so they can join the dots with the DV unit.

I'd also change your number, or get a free sim card that you only use for arranging contact, so that he can't call or text you out of the blue to try and convince you to come back. In my experience these things are hardest when you're caught off guard, so a separate sim card for communicating with him might help stop him interrupting you getting your life back together.

You definitely don't need to wait until he threatens or harms the children to stop him being alone with them. Facilities exist for supervised contact (they're often church halls or community centres) where parents can have supervised contact with their children where there are concerns about safety. These places also have rules about arriving at different times and using different doors so you wouldn't even have to see him. The fact that he's threatened you and harmed you will be sufficient grounds for you to insist upon supervised contact.

I would very strongly advise you talk to your daughter's school, and be as honest and clear about things as you can. I'd even go so far as to say if they're not co-operative and you don't feel you can trust them to keep her safe, consider changing schools. Again, it might not be fun for your daughter, but her safety has to come first. I was very lucky in that my school were really on the ball, and the one time my father did show up outside school they immediately took my into a back room away from the windows while they phoned my mother to see if she wanted them to call the police.

Lastly, I'd agree with other people, give him back the car and buy a cheap used one for now. Anything that reduces the amount of hassle you get is going to be worth it.

Sorry to go on so long, I just genuinely feel for you and really want to do anything I can to try and help. And FWIW, I'm in the South East, so if you're in that area and need anything, I'm here. Take care. xxx

I agree - ditch the car and cut one more tie to him. It's not worth the hassle and the aggro that is bound to ensue....

thanks ironic, this has hit a nerve for you, thank you for telling me this, family stuff can be hard to dredge up again, its really kind of you.

He has not harmed me persay, dodgy sex incident was nearly 5 yrs ago and has not reoccured. The worry is the threat. I don't want my children to see me bloodied up. I remember laying in bed listening to my dad come in late from the pub at night and waiting to hear him go to bed, i was worried he would harm or kill the pets or my mother, its an awful feeling. The very person who should keep you safe is the one that makes you fear for the lives of others...horrible. Must keep hold of that memory.

I have a friend who's husband is a car dealer and has been trying to sell me a car for a while...

regarding the house I'm going to wait and see...very reluctant to move my dd1 from her school she loves it. I worry about him taking girls from me, but I do also worry if i've underestimated his capacity to get revenge on me. He will know how to exact it.

thank you for your offer of help, not where you are either but thank you so much, you people are so kind. Thank you.

have not responded to text have decided to leave it till i talk to solicitor tomorrow, reasonable request but fishing for response i feel... don't want to be responding willy nilly to texts, makes things more complicated

try to get all contact through your solicitor, that could save you so much stress.

i agree that you need to ditch the car, do as police dv co-ord advised and park it near his house (no yellow lines because you are the better person) andpost the keys via registered delivery

you're doing brilliantly :)

completely agree timmy, def fishing. Any reasonable person by now would have been ringing you and panicking over not seeing his children - this is not a normal person's response to his Wife leaving him unannounced and taking his children.

you cannot take out insurance on a car in your name if you are not the registeered keeper. the keeper/owner has to do teh insruance .... - but anyway best thing is get rid of the car! (whoever paid for it is irrelevant at this point - unless it is a posh car worth 30,000 in which case she may want to add it to divorce settlement...

Seeing solicitor in 90 min going to be taking car to get there and will double check with her about it all...car is worth maybe 7k? I'm hoping once it dawns on him that this is serious he will think of the best financial solutions to separate cars and houses etc, he does love his money but will revenge outweigh even that?

Its all scary again now, think order is delivered by hand so he will have a copper come to work to deliver it...don't want to do that to anyone... but if its between that and being hit...bet he belittles the entire thing

Girls really need a break from the house, getting argumentative and fractious...

god i hope this does not go to a proper court room which it will if he contests occupancy order.

thanks cestlavie bout ownerhip and insurance, didn't know that one...

so does anyone have any good enpowering songs...had various ones running through my head...respect, walk out the door (quite enjoyed that one)

My sister sorts out the insurance on the car she is driving and it is in her Husbands name. She does it all though, like I say not even living together or anything now AND he doesn't want her to have the car!

Timmy - just wanted to say you've been amazing and your girls will really respect you for it. My father is of the "don't tell children you love them" school of thought and I've had so many problems because of it. It's a load of bollocks, and it's so heartwarming that you are now free to show affection to your children and receive it back. That alone must make all of this fear and upheaval worthwhile. All the best to you.

empowering song - kelly clarkson - since you've been gone

been following you timmy - keep it up, you are doing great!