After 37 years, it is almost over...........

[Citydoll]

Discovered that DH has been having an "inappropriate relationship" with another woman after 37 years of being together (31 years married). Decree absolute is only weeks away(I was the petitioner).....how does one cope?

My father left my mother for another women (who he has since married) after 37 years of marriage. She was heartbroken, still very much loved my father, but 4 years on, she is happier than she's ever been.

We are all grown up, and still speak with our father although our relationship with him will never be the same. None of his children attended his wedding to his new wife, and none of us condone or accept his actions, however, we do meet him twice a year, just him alone, the OW will never been tolerated.

My mum has had to come through hell and high water to get to the level she's at, she was left as a pensioner with only her pension, whilst he just swanned off. She pulled through and is so very settled and happy with her family around her.

Good luck, keep your chin up

Citydoll, you now have a new life - embrace it!

remember what giving birth was like Citydoll ? bloody hard work and painful but worth it in the end :-) grit your teeth, be positive to DS about his relationship with his father, it will get easier. Sounds like you are stuck in hating him and it is not good for you or your own relationship with DS. There's that cheesy saying "fake it until you make it" - which is basically CBT! just behave as though exH is someone your son knows and sees, but you do not have any relationship with or history with. It's not easy, I have to grit my teeth when asking 'did you have a nice time with dad? - oh good'. I asked for the phone the other day when a dc was talking to the ex just to say 'hi, how are things with you?' because it is better for ME to be able to do that, and ex does not become a 'no-go' area between us. At some point I will have to be in the same room as him and the OW, probably at a wedding or funeral - and I don't want it to be a huge issue on an already stressful day.

Many thanks for the messages of support.

I have finally decided that I need help as I cannot let this underlying sadness destroy me and all that is good around me. A very sympathetic GP in my practice is referring me for counselling (she was surprised that I had waited this long) and has suggested that I can be prescribed anti-depressants if I want them. I cannot let these constant, overwhelming waves of despair and helplessness overcome me.

Is there any practical advice from MNers on what to expect during counselling? Do you lie on a couch (been watching too much American TV)? Is one allowed to cry? Any pointers will be gratefully received!

Hi citydoll I remember you from last year and I am sorry to hear your journey is proving hard and stony at present.

Counsellors come in all sorts as do their seating arrangements. Mine had a comfy armchair with cushions which she ostentatiously removed as I apparently wasn't a cushion user (?) which always made me feel fussed over.
NHS services may not be as luxurious, think plastic chair!

Crying is allowed if you feel like it, as is raging, punching aforementioned cushions, sitting silent for ages, laughing manically etc.

If you don't like the first counsellor you can change, it may take time to find someone you feel comfortable with. And there may not be an explicit agenda depending on the style of the individual. It all depends!

I did two years with mine and I loved it, it was my space in a busy life. I am still working things through but she gave me a set of tools to deal with problems and I use them every day. I hope you get as much out of it as I did.

Thanks, LittleHouse - your comments are very useful. I think part of my trepidation and hesitancy about seeing a counsellor is having to relive the whole thing again with a stranger but I do understand that talking to someone who is totally objective and detached can help.

I feel that, having resisted doing it for a year, this could be my last chance to heal and try and feel better about myself. If, for some reason, I do not have a rapport with the counsellor, is it easy to be referred to another one?

City if you are paying yourself you can choose who you see, just have a chat with them first about how they operate and what type of approach they use and see if it sounds your thing. There is a chemistry to it (like dating!) and you will know whether you are talking to a person who you can trust with your private thoughts. Most are lovely people which is why they are in this line of work.

On the NHS it is harder as you are on a waiting list and are allocated someone. If you don't click with them then discussing that feeling of discomfort would be part of the process IYSWIM. I would expect that if it was clear that you weren't suited then they could pass you to a colleague but there is less leeway.

From the way you post on here I would think you will find the process very helpful and positive. You sound like a lovely person and very self aware. Come back and tell us how it goes!

And it is never the last chance!

Have you read the Power of Now by the way? By Eckhaert Tolle? I found that brilliant.

Hello Citydoll,

I too waited too long to get counselling. I went for different situations but I had the same reservations as you. So I hope this is useful. It will let you know what to expect.

Counselling is great. I know what you mean about dreading telling the whole story and re-living it. And worrying about crying. Don't worry, they always have a box of tissues in there and drinks of water and they expect you to cry and find it difficult and embarassing to talk. They see it all the time.

For me I spent the first two sessions spilling out all the details and I did cry which I had dreaded but was actually quite cleansing! After those first few sessions I began to feel relief. As if getting it all out was like drawing poison out of a wound.

So those outpouring type sessions changed into a much more two-way interaction with the counsellor giving me suggestions on new ways of thinking (Stop beating myself up was one!!) and it really, really does work.

It takes time. How do you eat an elephant?

One bite at a time!

I also found antidepressants so good. You've been through hell but you can feel better and there will be better times ahead. I promise.

Thanks for sharing DontGoCurly. I am not sure how long I have to wait for my appointment but hopefully, my GP who is worried about me (also re other health issues) can accelerate the process.

What antidepressants were you on? I have heard that some can affect you, not necessarily in a good way and because of a very demanding job, I am not sure about trying them.

Yes, learning how to stop beating myself up would be a good first step. Fifteen months on, I still do not know what made him cause all this pain, destruction and grief and I hope that counselling can help me understand or perhaps even get some answers. It may also help improve my relationship with my DS who has moved on, leaving me about 10,000 miles behind!

LittleHouse - will try and read the book you recommended.

Thanks again for the support.

It would have been our 32nd wedding anniversary today and it still hurts so much. Contrary to what many of you say, I do not think this pain and emptiness will ever go away.

Hello Citydoll on a difficult day.

There is no time scale that is "right" for these things. You just have to keep moving forward inch by inch. Or even get stuck for a bit and wallow until you have the strength to start moving again. But a good psychologist can help you with grief and stuckness if you will let them. Have you seen anyone yet?

I'm so sorry Citydoll :( Have you had a counselling session yet?

This is going to be such a hard and horrible time for you. But you don't always feel like this do you? Do you have more normal days, when life seems better than the dark days and you can appreciate being free from such a scumbag?

I don't want to make light of what you're feeling, just kind of thinking that anniversaries are not a good time to assess. Hope that makes sense.

Hi Citydoll I've been thinking about you and am glad to see you posting. Sounds like a sad time for you. As others have said it can take quite a while before you feel better. Can you think of anything you can do tomorrow or soon that you would enjoy doing? Please do keep posting.

LittleHouse Thanks for the hugs - I really needed that today.

No, I am still waiting for the appointment but will chase my GP tomorrow. It has been almost three weeks since I went to see her.

I truly admire all the ladies on the "relationships" page who have gone through divorce / separation and managed to move on with their new lives so quickly. I think that, possibly I spent so much energy on the divorce last year that my mind and body are now in a sort of "frozen" state!

Citydoll - I do remember this thread and I just wanted to say how sorry I am for you that you still feel so distraught. It is such a shame when someone has wronged you that you are the one left so distressed and anxious. I am delighted to see that you are seeking help and I know what you mean when you say you focussed on something (the divorce) and now it is all coming home to roost.

You will recover you know, you really will. I am sure I am the same as a lot of women reading your thread when I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it better for you.

No real advice for you sweetheart just my best wishes x

It took my SIL 4 years to get over it - but then her H left her a week after their 3rd child was born so it was extremely traumatic She is now doing really well and has a great life with a decent career, interesting friends etc.

Hello Citydoll, just read your message, so sorry to hear what has happened.Just wantet to say. My mum has just remarried she is 67 and her husband is 70, so please don't think that life is over in that department. Hope today is a better day.

Sending very late wishes and of course hugs. I am being assessed for counselling tomorrow...like you the pain now is too much...it is affecting my parenting...

Life is truly a strange journey.

Lovely to hear about your mum blossom...such hope.....

Thank you to everyone for such lovely messages of support. I try not to bore RL friends too much (after all, it is 11 months since the divorce and I should be snapping out of it) and it is helpful to have MN as an outlet to rant and rave!

Punkatheart I know what you mean about parenting skills. Although my DS is an adult, I feel that I am such a bad mum because I resent him having contact with the "Dark Side" (and I only mean XH's family at the moment). This is what I need to work on and I hope counselling (when the appointment comes) will help me come to terms with it.

Blossom How lovely for your Mum to find happiness again.

Citydoll I come to your thread somewhat down the line. I'm a fellow 'dumpee'.

Alot has already been offered here by way of support so I won't repeat what has already been said (at least I'll try not to).

Your adult DS may have contact with 'the dark side' but his loyalties will be with you as his DM. Whether or not this is made explicit, there is nothing quite so damaging to a child's perception of a parent than when that parent destroys a family. I don't think it matters whether the DC is very young or an adult - my own DC's are 30, 27 and 16 - and they have all lost trust, respect and faith in their DF. You are not a bad parent for resenting contact - that's a belief that simply doesn't belong to you, it comes from that archaic myth that women/mother's are fundamentally nurturers and if they don't show that all the time they're not fully functioning.

You have every right to feel the way you do. There's no wrong or right way to feel anyway and no mandate on the length of time it takes to recover. 37 years is a hell of a long time to give another person and I'll bet you worked bloody hard at it too, right up to the end.

I hope the counselling starts soon, it will help.

Your user name wisedup is very very accurate. I cannot help but think how wonderful all these women are on these boards....what a loss they are to their lesser menfolk. Genuinely.

My DD does not want ANY contact with her father and you are right - the damage has been done. She is clinging to me like a life raft and that in itself keeps me going.

How are you today citydoll?

Wisedupwoman What an honour it is to have you on this thread! Respect, respect! I have lurked on your own thread and shared your heartache, trials and tribulations; equally I have laughed at the knitting episodes and that fantastic mediation meeting with XH and I have been full of admiration for your dates with LBM! Yes, 37 years was a very long time together but if I am being totally honest, I just gave up on the marriage in the end because I kept discovering more lies, deceit and dishonesty with each new day. And that was why I filed for divorce - he was no longer the person I met, loved and married and if my maths and intuition are right, there were probably "inappropriate" things going on for at least 6 years.
Still waiting to hear on the counselling - I am sure the appointment will come soon.

Punkatheart I am feeling a titch better today, thank you for asking. It helps that it is the weekend, after quite a busy week at work. Also quite glad that August / September are over with lots of birthdays on the DARK SIDE and the anniversary etc. I think that did set me off on a downward spiral but I am going to follow Wisedupwoman's example and try and do a square dance on my own, with my feet tied, of course!

Thanks for all the support - it did get me through a very difficult few days.