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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

After 37 years, it is almost over...........

132 replies

Citydoll · 10/10/2010 01:30

Discovered that DH has been having an "inappropriate relationship" with another woman after 37 years of being together (31 years married). Decree absolute is only weeks away(I was the petitioner).....how does one cope?

OP posts:
Dipso · 06/11/2010 10:25

Hi Citydoll, am 53 and divorced, you can't much older. Possibly you're younger!

You're going through something horrid but you'll come out of it and you sound very strong. I'm not sure if I'll ever be with
another man but I try to be open-minded about
it. I'd suggest trying not to think about it at the moment and come back to it later when the divorce is history. Take care.

Citydoll · 06/11/2010 10:47

Well, guys, the removal van has gone but he has to come back tomorrow morning to pick up his clothes because he did not want to pay for the hire of a couple of clothes rails!!!!! Not only is DIGNITY my middle name, my second middle name is PATIENCE!

OP posts:
Karmann · 06/11/2010 10:54

Hi City(dignity,patience)doll. Hope you're feeling ok now that bit is over, maybe like a weight has been lifted?

There have been some lovely heartwarming messages on this thread and I hope they have brought you comfort and support. I have copied some of them and put them in my 'Pearls of Wisdom' folder so I can refer to them if I feel down.

Your new life begins today, there will be ups and downs, tears and joy but you will get there. Thinking of you.

Citydoll · 06/11/2010 11:06

Yes, Karmann, I feel so lucky that total strangers can offer me so much support and love and comfort. I hope that as time moves on, I can also help another troubled person on Mumsnet with advice or maybe even share my experiences.

Thank you for your kind thoughts - the final chapter will be tomorrow morning when his car pulls away and I never, ever have to see or speak to him again!

OP posts:
Karmann · 06/11/2010 11:16

In hindsight, I wish I had been brave enough to post my story - I think I would have been able to heal so much quicker had I had the support from here. There are some truly wonderful people who offer great comfort and support.

You sound so strong and positive today and that's great. Maybe you've been able to do some of your grieving over the last six months of living the way you have.

I really do wish you the best for your future.

purplepeony · 06/11/2010 11:19

Citydoll- you might like to- if you haven't already- think about counselling. You have a lot of anger and other emotions in there that maybe need to come out before you cna really move on.

I don't know how old you are- mid 50s maybe? Well there are thousands of others like you out there, some gorgeous oler women ( think of Twiggy and Lulu) and you need to stop referring to yourself as a decrepit old person. You are none of that.
Pick yourself up and give yourself a treat, a make over and look after you for a bit!

Gonesouth · 06/11/2010 11:53

The story about the clothing rails Shock merely reinforces the fact that you are looking forward to a better future.

You'll be able to write this weekend off as time goes on, its just the final practical stage of binning him. Be as undignified as you like now - its good to get all that anger out sometimes.

Next week your home will be yours again and you and your DS will start to rebuild your lives. I asmire the digintiy you have shown and your DS will benefit from your strength. Make sure you have some good times together and treat yourself to some indulgences.

Kally · 06/11/2010 12:07

I was married for 26 years (married at 18) and divorced in 2004.

Admit I had a late life child (6 years old at the time) and she kept me sane and focused but now, 6 years down the line, I am so happy and settled, I have a nice boyfriend, my children are great and I can even talk to him in a civil manner.

But first and foremost stop saying things like stale and sellbydate. The reality is that you have a whole new and exciting phase ahead of you. I was penniless countryless and very scared. Had debts up to my eyeballs (due to him) but I climbed up out of the mud and I wouldn't swap back for all the tea in china.

Spend time on your own. Get to love and cherish yourself again. Don't brood over what was and why it turned out like that. There are no answers. It's time for re-growth and you CAN do it. I never really was aware of how low I was until I got back on my feet again and looked back at myself then, and compared to how I am as a mature woman now. I love the ME that I have become. You'll see it happen slowly but you'll emerge from this and you'll stop looking back and wondering why.

All that stress of 'is he? isn't he?'that's his problem now, not yours. Just think of all the hard drive space he has freed up for you. Fill it up with you.

Citydoll · 06/11/2010 12:54

Thanks, purplepeony, about the advice on counselling. May consider it although when my lawyer (very kind and caring)made me go for a session before I filed the petition, I did not find it helpful - maybe the timing has to be right. At that time, I shut down into survival mode so that I could defend my house, my assets and most importantly, my darling, sweet DS.

Hey, talking about gorgeous, older women, we must not forget Helen Mirren and Felicity "do the splits" Kendal

Hey, Karmann, it took me a while (probably about 5 months)to post on Mumsnet and I cannot profess to be brave - if you look at my original post, it was at 1.30am on a Sunday morning when I felt so alone and desperate BUT I am so glad I did because I got so much support from all of you.

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 06/11/2010 17:17

I think this is a horrible weekend for you and I can imagine you might feel a bit disconnected from events, almost as a survival mechanism. Make sure you grieve properly though, citydoll and therefore I'd echo PP's advice about therapy, but if you do go down that route again, choose a good practitioner and screen carefully, because there are some awful myths about infidelity peddled by society at large - and therefore therapists.
At times, people in your shoes can feel worse afterwards, not better.

You might find it especially helpful to join the thread where the main contributors affectionately call themselves "dumplings". In reality, they are inspiring, brave, wonderful women who are all at different stages of loss and recovery.

I would echo what has been said about challenging that inner dialogue that you are old and beyond a new relationship. My friends range from 35-60 in ages and that has not been my experience at all. However, if you have been part of a couple relationship for 37 years, I think one of the exciting things about that is the opportunity to be selfish and self-contained, if you are going to live alone.

One of the best pieces of advice a friend in a similar situation to you was given, was to have a default position of "yes" when invited out, but not as a means of total avoidance from the grief. The donor of this advice had spent months turning up to every event as a means of keeping busy, until a song on the radio caused her to crash spectacularly.

Wise words, that my friend learned from, to which she would add, keep a journal. This really helped her to track progress and her passage through the bereavement cycle, until she reached acceptance.

IWantToBeAFairyWhenIGrowUp · 07/11/2010 08:22

Shock at lack of clothes rail. I'd help by putting them all in a bin bag for him and leaving them on the doorstep and change your locks.

He has no need now to be in your house.

Nice post kally

Hope today goes ok for you

X

Teaandcakeplease · 07/11/2010 08:38

Hello citydoll you've just joined the recently ditched thread I am on, so I came on here to read your thread. I second Purple Peony, I think you would find counseling extremely helpful. I know I have but I think perhaps a different counselor would be better for you, as opposed to the one you had one session with? Find one you click with.

Also have you spoken to your GP about how you feel? I was very against going on Anti Depressants and pushed right through almost a year of separation and divorce, I am almost at the same stage as you. I filed for divorce in May and the Decree Nisi came through 6 weeks ago. We're just finalising the financial side right now. However I realised that I felt no enjoyment anymore. I didn't feel dreadfully unhappy, in fact it was a relief that the tears and extreme emotions had gone but instead I felt a complete weariness, a daily on going weariness. I just felt so lethargic, this inability to get on with life, tiredness, a lack of interest, hopelessness. I had an argument with a close friend who insisted by now I should be feeling better and I started to think hard about how I felt and realised I had a major problem. I seriously disliked the thought of ABs but now I've seen the GP and had a good chat and been on them for 5 weeks I'm starting to feel like an entirely different person. So I just wanted to say that it is well worth seeing your GP. The emotional storm passes when you first separate but then this greyness can come and that is the time it is well worth seeing your GP, as when hope dies there can be this feeling that there is no point in living. Please speak to your GP x

WarriorQueen · 07/11/2010 12:18

hi citydoll another dumpling here Grin i have read your story and i hope you are ok today.

that is one great thing about us dumplings, we can talk about this stuff until the cows come home and we don't need to worry about boring each other - i too feel that i am becoming a bit of a divorce bore with my friends, but now use mumsnet to get out all my thoughts and it truly truly helps.

Citydoll · 07/11/2010 12:37

Sorry, guys, been sobbing non-stop for the last couple of hours. Now, after 37 years, it really is over. He's gone.

OP posts:
Theyremybiscuits · 07/11/2010 12:46

Hello sweetheart, just to let you am thinking of you and send you a biiiiiggg hug from me.

Am going through a divorce at the mo (I petitioned 14 months ago...)

Keep strong lovely x

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 07/11/2010 13:18

Hi CityDoll, Dumpling here.

Can appreciate how you're feeling. A horrible weekend for you. Can say from experience that tears help - sobbing awful but I do think that I feel stronger after each sob and now welcome them.

Can you treat yourself this week? You deserve to.

Can you tell us roughly where you live? Maybe a MN meet up could help.

Xxx

soverign21 · 07/11/2010 14:05

Hi Citydoll

I'm another dumpling from the recently ditched thread

It's normal that you are letting it all out you have been holding it in for so long, i suggest you cry, scream, shout, kick things, let it all out whatever it takes........then do something nice for yourself, have a bubble bath or glass of wine, a box of chocolates whatever makes you feel good

Please come and post on the dumpling thread anytime you like you can rant and rave or whatever you want we'll all be there for you, you are more than welcome on our rollercoaster :o

Karmann · 07/11/2010 16:49

Hi Citydoll. So sorry to hear you are so upset, I really feel for you.

I think it would be a good idea for you to join the 'dumplings', they will give you all the support you need and you'll know that you are not alone.

Thinking of you. x

IWantToBeAFairyWhenIGrowUp · 07/11/2010 18:06

Awww sorry to hear that, keep strong, its always going to be difficult for a while.

((()))

Citydoll · 08/11/2010 08:13

Well, I got through the first day - eyes are swollen from crying and lack of sleep; face looks like a train wreck but I am already at work! As the saying goes, "The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step....." and today is my first step.

Thanks for all the hugs and good wishes.

OP posts:
romneymarsh · 08/11/2010 08:39

Good Luck Citydoll, one step at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time, we will get there in the end!

abedelia · 08/11/2010 10:12

First thing - plan to do something that you've always fancied trying but that he would have put a stop to because he didn't like it. This is a chance to find the woman who got buried by your marriage (we all do it to some extent - that's compromise for you - but still...).

Citydoll · 11/11/2010 08:33

It is 37 years today! SadSadSad
Why? Why? Why?

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 11/11/2010 08:46

There doesn't have to be a reason. Sometimes there isn't one. "Shit happens", and it happened to you, nothing to do with what you deserved or anything you should have done differently. Great and wonderful things happen for no particular reason as well, though, so that's something to look forward to.

You're free...

Poledra · 11/11/2010 08:50

Citydoll, my heart goes out to you. I haven't been in your position, but I do know people who have been. let me tell you about one of them. My lovely neighbour (who would have been a bit older than you at the time) went on holiday with her DD and family some years ago and her husband stayed at home. He died while she was away - I don't know the details as DH will not tell me (he was called to help) but I think the husband had another woman in the house. My neighbour was devastated.

Move on a year or so. She became a different woman - reading between the lines, her husband was a bully who had dominated her for years. My mother came to visit and could not believe that this was the same woman. She held her head up (she was always bowed down before) and was so much brighter and more involved with life.

Move onto now (4.5 years later). She is married again to a kind, caring man. She has a lift in her step. I see much less of her than I did because they're always doing something - going on holiday, working together in their garden, all sorts of things. Her grandchildren spend a great deal of time with her (her husband did not like to have more than one child in the house at a time as they were 'too noisy'). I wish her many more happy years to come, as I also wish for you.

Hugs to you, you will come out the other side of this. You have a wonderful DS. You will find yourself again. Be kind to yourself.

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