After 37 years, it is almost over...........

[Citydoll]

Discovered that DH has been having an "inappropriate relationship" with another woman after 37 years of being together (31 years married). Decree absolute is only weeks away(I was the petitioner).....how does one cope?

Citydoll - my mum got divorced after 40 years of marriage. She was 60. She has gone on to make a really nice life for herself - loads of interests, great circle of friends she met through these, she goes on lovely holidays with her friends, and has made a good life for herself. She is now in her early 70's.

After 37 years, it is finally over - decree absolute has been granted by the Court.

hello Citydoll - i remembered reading your thread when you first posted it and i didnt want you to be unanswered. Are you holding up ok?

Citydoll you are a fine example of dignity and grace in awful circumstances. I hope I can be more like you. I am the one who left after 28 years but not willingly.
Have a fine and special day with people who love you. We are all behind you

The rest of your life starts now.
I hope you have a good one, in charge of yourself.
Best wishes.

That's over Citydoll.
Now, this begins.
Make it good, peaceful, enriching, fulfilling.

I hardly see or hear from MIL nowadays. She is out dancing, mahjonging, doing her digital photography, off to luncheons.
And I noticed earlier on she has a new Male friend on her Facebook. His name is Julian and he looks like I'd expect a older country GP to look like. Hmmm. MIL is 72 now.

Thank you for all the kind wishes, everyone. That life is over and I must now look forward to the new life and make it a really good one.

Hugs to all for the last time on this thread (I have joined the Dumplings thread where I am getting a ton of support too.) XXX

Congratulations on your freedom citydoll.

You have the rest of your life to start living now.

Don't let your past life overlap on your new beginning. I separated from my XH 21 years ago and I've had a great life since then - and I dont need a man to help with that - I can do it all on my own now.

Good Luck for the future.

Just think of the possibilities, have you seen the film about the woman who goes on a holiday and end up renovating a house in Tuscany, where she ends up finding herself and a whole load of other new friends. Under the Tuscan Sun, I think it is called?

If my longterm marriage ended, I would just go and do something amazing like tour Australia if I could afford it.

Life is too short to sit and dwell. I bet he isn't.

Don't really know what to say except that my Dad chucked my Mum after 30 years of marriage.
It was awful but she did just,'get on with it'....having spent her life as an Army wife,and himself not wanting her to work.
My Mum got herself a job and made a new life but never got another bloke.
She's the best Grandma in the world.

I'm not very good at giving advice or remembering pearls of wisdom but in the Sound of Music' Mother Superior turns to Maria and says something along the lines of when a door closes the Good Lord somewhere opens a window'.

I like to think (although I know its only a film!) she had a good point - sometimes life takes us in directions we never expected but we just have to learn how to fly out that window. Good luck :)

I have no wise words for you citydoll, but as an older woman, can have empathy with your situation, though I won't presume, as I haven't experienced what you're going through.

All the very best. Chin up. Spit in their eye. :)

after the divorce is over, and you have accepted your new status as a single woman, you may find yourself experiencing unexpected positive emotions. Many divorced women say they feel relief that they're not with their H anymore. Another adjective that springs to mind is free .

best wishes CityDoll - i it is possible, even likely, that you will look back at this period with great pride re: how you handled it. And eventually you may look forward to new opportunities...not all uncertainty is bad.

warmest wishes

Hi citydoll
Just joined this thread. I was married 12 years, h moved out 3 months ago. Did your h stay in your home throughout the divorce proceedings? If so, I take my hat off to you. That must have been incredibly stressful. I managed 2 days under the same roof once we decided to separate. I just couldn't take his smug, 'this is for the best' attitude. I was not sleeping, and having migraines. So I kicked him out. Haven't had a migraine since!

My h moved his stuff out of the flat about 2 months later. I thought I wouldn't be affected, but i was really wobbly that day. It's a significant step.

However, I have been really enjoying painting the walls colours I know he'd have hated, buying feminine pieces of furniture, filling my new ipod with music he would have switched off etc etc. And the house is so much calmer without his short temper.

In times of need your girlfriends are the best.

My advice would be to make your home your own to start with. Get your son to help.

And do see your GP about your depressed feelings. There's no shame in that, and hopefully s/he can help you get through this period.

It will get better.

Hope all is well with you and good to watch you support others.

I'm just thinking the idea of going away somewhere for Ghristmas with your son could be a really good idea. Maybe somewhere you've never been before. You could ask your son where he might like to go. Venice is beautiful in the winter, and less busy than in summer. I was there in February once. Or a house party style thing in England if it feels easier.
I'm a Quaker and there are several peaceful Quaker guest-houses where you could join with others in a quiet sort of way.

Spend a bit of money (if you possibly can) and let someone else look after you both as much as possible.

Keep in touch with us all on here, I remember what a shock it was feeling just a little like you do. :)

Hello TDaDa, (sorry quick hijack) thanks!

yes, sorry about the hijack OP. You might know that helicopterview was inspirational when on her thread.

It has been so hard these past 15 months. Sometimes I am in the depths of despair and am not sure how to overcome it all!

Hello, Citydoll.

I am sorry to see you are struggling so badly. In what way(s) are things so bad ?

Ride the waves Citydoll, don't try to fight the current and you will float to a much better place. You also never know who else will be washed in your direction......

August / September are always going to be difficult months anyway with birthdays and ex-wedding anniversary etc. But 15 months on, I still do not know why he did what he did and I constantly beat myself up for hating him so much. And I cannot accept that my DS may have had contact with EH (secretly) in spite of the fact that we were treated so badly last year. And so I beat myself up even more for being such a bad person!

my exh left me after 25 yrs for someone younger & thinner. HE lied and said there was no-one else, when confronted with evidence he claimed the relationship only started after he told me he wanted to leave, when confronted with evidence that was not true he lied again... you get the picture. I didn't have any choice at the start in the marriage ending, he wouldn't consider counselling etc. but I did choose to make sure it ended quickly.

You didn't have a choice in what he did - but you can choose now. You will probably never know why he did it (mid life crisis anyone?) but so many of them do. Try to work towards being indifferent rather than hatred - hatred takes up your energy - and you need that to get on and live your glorious new life. By hating him you are giving him power over you - and you need to stop that and take your power back! Let your DS have his relationship with his father - that is nothing to do with you, they are both adults and your DS has seen the consequences of exHs actions - if you can bring yourself to say to DS that you know he sees his father - and that you support him in doing that, then it might help displace some of that anger (secret meetings are too emotionally close to what your ex did with his affair - you will be plugging back into that IMO!) but its also OK to tell DS are finding it hard to forgive exH, maybe never will, but you don't blame DS for wanting to continue a relationship.

good luck - you are not alone in your experience or feelings but I do hope you can move to a more positive frame of mind :-)

catsrus Thank you for sharing your experiences and wise words. I know that hating XH empowers him and I do try and stop myself but not always successfully. DS knows my views and does try and respect my wishes but the visual image of him and XH sharing a meal or even having a telephone conversation together makes me ill and provokes anxiety attacks. Everyone tells me that DS needs a father but in my mind, he does not need a father like this one. Now can you understand what a bad person I have evolved into?