After 37 years, it is almost over...........

[Citydoll]

Discovered that DH has been having an "inappropriate relationship" with another woman after 37 years of being together (31 years married). Decree absolute is only weeks away(I was the petitioner).....how does one cope?

City , so sorry to hear this . I too am divorced and i think what your going through is completeley normal . I too went through something similar and it was just horrible , but it will change . Think of it as a type of metamorphis , one day less as opposed to one day more , each day one step closer to recovering and rediscovering the fab person you are without this guy in tow.

I read that it can take up to 5 years to completeley recover from a divorce , so to say this is relativeley new i think your feelings are completeley normal . What helped me a lot was writing in a journal ,( i say writing but it was actually ranting and swearing ! ) but it helped , as did lying in the bath and indulging in a sobbing session.

Its been nearly 3 years now , but it seems like a lifetime ago , and when i see him its no differant than seeing the bloke down the street .

Hi Citydoll. Glad to hear you are feeling a bit better today.

I have been through the same thing (although we were not together anything like as long).

It does get better. No magic formula to work out when that may be but I promise that it does.

What helped me was taking care of myself - eating well, sleeping enough, enjoying work and most importantly my friends. I didn't have many and along the way I made a few new ones at clubs and classes. I just got through each day, one at a time and tried not to see a bad/low day as too much of a setback. One day, I realised that I was ok again.

Take care. I'm sending a hug.

Hi Citydoll, what a horrible betrayal for you! You will cope you will manage as will I! Try and focus on the good things in your life. Support is out there in the most unlikely of places- that is what I am finding just now although your situation is different to mine. Just when I am feeling really hopeless something comes along-sometimes just a blue tit but still it reminds me that the world is still a beautiful place.
Taking one day at a time is the only way for now but if you are open to love in the future it will find you.
You are brave-mind yourself.

Thanks, Maybee, to say such comforting words in spite of your own pain.

At the moment, I think I will give LOVE a wide berth ....should this be a new thread?:)

All I can look forward to at the moment is the decree absolute in a couple of weeks and maybe, I can move on from then.

Look after yourself.

i have just read this.
hope you are ok

does your company have occ health? they should offer a counselling service

However crap you feel it will get better you know.

My XH has left behind some nasty issues but I too am older than many on MN and feel just so much better without him. Life has become much more interesting and am starting to enjoy life as a single person.

I thoroughly recommend that you see a good counsellor. Either through GP or through BACP website.

I also was recommended to do things that make me happy, which was the best advice I ever had (know it sounds obvious). Think about things that feed your mind, body, spirit and soul and do them a lot. For example, music, sport, religion (if it works for you), a good book or film, a walk or bike ride, a nice bath or massage. Avoid negative people or those that don't get it. Over the last year, I gave kept some good friends but also made new ones. For me, starting to associate with single people has been useful.

Take care Xx

City doll. I had a quickie divorce (3months and 23 days from petitioning) and what I found was that the grieving process came after the divorce.

I was with him for 30 years but it took me a year to really move on. I cycled through every emotion including days when I thought my life was over, I never would meet another man, I never wanted to meet another man.....etc

I had short course of counselling (very expensive but worth every penny) and threw myself into a single life by decorating my house, joining the ramblers, taking up new hobbies, an expensive cookery course.... etc

I can honestly say looking back it was a great year in many ways although I grieved and popped St Johns Wort through it!

I then met a new man and cautiously, angrily,sadly started a new relationship. He listened to my sadness, my betrayal, my insecurities and I am still with him, planning a lovely new life and couldn't be happier. I intend to remain 'single though. I won't move in, won't marry and am my own independent happy person.

The last paragraph brings me happiness but if it finished tomorrow I'd stand up and move on. Divorce is terrible but you can move forward very positively. I think some of my married friends envy me now because I'm free and happy and being doted on by new guy. You need to 'discover' yourself and learn to put yourself first. As a mother you have forgotten this lovely little pleasure but a divorced woman can reclaim their life. It's not all bad :)
At all!

Citydoll I am sorry to hear what you have been through and after so many years together it will take a long time to fully recover. I think that a lot will depend on how happy you actually were in the marriage .

When my xh told me he didnt love me anymore beginning a process thats ending in divorce I was shattered. However after a few months I began to realise how unhappy I had been and yes its been an uneven journey with lots of ups and downs but one year on I am so much happier without him and have no interest in another relationship yet.

Like others have said you can look forward to rediscovering who you are and what you would like to be doing. I am 44 and now seeing aspects of my teenage personality !

Try and see this time being single as a time of opportunity rather than signalling a future alone. You say you have a job you like which I am guessing leaves you solvent enough to do things in your free time. Maybe try out some new experiences or indulge in spa treatments - whatever takes your fancy !

The thing I still savour most is although I have 2 youngish dc I can make decisions and choices moment by moment with being answerable to anyone and having to defend my choices from what I have made for dinner to how I spend a tuesday evening.

Also citydoll if your ds is 19 be glad that will probably mean minimal contact with your xh over issues to do with him.

You sound like a strong person and to have made the decision to divorce rather than hang in there hoping he would end the affair after such a long marriage suggests how strong you are !

Get as much support as you need from friends ,mine saw me through the worst and also discovering MN was a lifeline at times

Having recently separated from my H of 10 years, I think you are incredibly brave and am sure a woman of your integrity will find happiness.

Hang on in there, happiness, contentment and good times are around the corner. My Dad who is 62 has had two failed marriages and was very unhappy after his marriage to my SM collapsed but he is now living a really full life: he has a girlfriend who he lives with, he is pursuing his interests (has recently bought a motorbike!), has a hectic social life and is generally much more positive than I have ever seen him.

HTH :-)

Thank you to everyone for your very encouraging and suppotive words.

DS has suffered terribly throughout all this. He was a real miracle baby and came to us very late in our marriage and was everything we would ever want in a DS. Unfortunately he and DH have not spoken since May because he cannot forgive his father for what he has done to me and our "perfect" family. DH has also not made any real effort to reconcile with him and is probably very angry with him because it was DS who alerted me to the OW.

I know now that I am grieving for so many different things - the end of my marriage, the end of my DS's relationship with his father and the end of life as I have known for the past 37 years.

It is so encouraging to read from most of you who have posted here how you have gone on to find new loving relationships. It may take time but I am determined to pick my life up again.

I think it's good to change a few things, do Christmas differently if you think that would help.
I know when I became widowed friends would invite me and the kids over for Christmas, but I really didn't want to be around complete families seeing what we no longer had, in the end me and the kids went away for Christmas and new year, it helped.
Do things that you like, discover new things and give yourself time to grieve, time to heal and do it in your own time, nobody elses.

Citydoll its good to see that you are gaining comfort from the stories of others who have started anew later in life. It does take focus and determination, but it is so very worthwhile.

I can honestly say that I'm genuinely happier in my new life, despite facing some truly enormous challenges (including financial meltdown and cancer). You see, I know that the people who are still in my life genuinely care about me and can be turned to and relied upon (and vice verse).

I've just found your thread Citydoll and am so sorry you are going through this.

My husband and I parted over a year ago after 33 years of marriage. Ours was pretty rocky and part of that was because he has AS (fairly recently diagnosed) and possibly NPD too. I've also known the pain of infidelity although that's not what broke us up, I was just so unhappy living with someone who was so different from me.

I did my grieving before we separated and I'm still picking up the pieces.

I now find such pleasure in the little things - managing a bit of DIY, buying small bits and pieces for my house. It's hard work doing it all alone but now I wouldn't have it any other way and don't want to consider having another relationship.

I hope things start to look brighter for you soon.

citydoll, I too have only just seen your thread

I wish you all the best and can say, even from your few words, you will come out of this stronger and with your dignity intact x

After 6 very difficult months, he is moving out today! Decree absolute should be here next week.

A truly mixed bag of emotions this morning. Will I cope, how do I cope, will I ever get over this..........etc. etc.

Thank you to everyone for their support and kind words.

P.S. Is there a standard protocol when a marriage ends like this and the removal van pulls away i.e. do we shake hands formally for the last time (I think NOT) or do I shout "You lying, unfaithful, hypocritical bastard" at him as his car pulls away?

Do you have to be there even? Take dc out for the day? Might be good for 'closure' to hang around but I think my dignity wouldn't be intact...

Yes, unfortunately, I have to be here (on my solicitor's advice) in case there are problems. DS is currently living away from home so thankfully, will not have to get involved.

Firstly - I hope today goes ok for you - its always going to be a rubbish day. Is there a friend who could be there with you to help you through the day? I'd be wanting to shout at him as he left, but I wouldn't want to lower myself to his level. Say nothing.

Think positive as today is the start of your new life.

My MIL had a similar thing after 24 years of marriage. She's been single for 18 years now and loves it. I think it took her a while as you can't just forget about the life you once had, but she can do what she likes, found hobbies and new friends, answers to no-one and holidays 4 times a year. There is life after divorce.

That book a pp suggested sounds really helpful.

Keep strong.

Are you able to have a close friend with you to give you support and maybe they can deal with any issues that arrive?

Someone being your eyes and ears could he helpful as your emotions will be overwhelming (in all sort of ways, not least because you are finally showing him the door) and from what you have posted before, you have kept your dignity throughout this.

I also meant to add that I hope you find strength to get through the day.

Please arrange to go out this evening with friends. Don't sit around the house alone

It's just another step along the journey to your new life but it's a big one. You are bound to feel emotional

No, unfortunately, my close friends are either working or away - this was very last minute, by the way. I have been waiting for a move date for months and it kept being delayed and delayed. Funny how a decree absolute can concentrate his mind! Having lived in my own bedroom for the last 6 months, I think "DIGNITY" should be my middle name!

You are right, IWantToBeAFairyWhenIGrowUp, I will not shout - it is beneath me (not my nature)plus also, I am so, so tired and I just want it all to be over and to have my own space again and to start grieving and healing (although I may come on here later and have a BIG RANT)!

Good luck. Hope all goes well. Let us know how it goes.

Citydoll wishing you strength to get through this. Maybe try and envisage a lot of the pain and anxiety leaving in the removal van with his stuff and leaving you with a clear house and a new start