I've done something terrible

[peanutmarmite]

No excuses. Drunk. First time I've ever even considered anyone but DP, I have no idea what I was thinking, I hate myself, I really really hate myself. If I tell him it's all over, if I don't I'm the worst person alive. I think I'm going to jump into a canal, i am the worst person alive.

OP, this is going to sound harsh. But it's the best advice I can give.

What is a good person? Someone who tries to do the right thing. Obviously the right thing here would be not to betray your DP, but it's too late. For me the right thing now is to honour your DP enough to be honest. Even though it might hurt you. Even though it might hurt him. But because he deserves it. And because it's the only way you can say you tried to be a good person at any point.

doesn't solve a thing to fess up.

you know your partner best, you said he will leave you.

if you fess up he leaves you

you have eased your concsience and ruined real life.

id live with my conscience

Custardo, this is not about trying to solve it. Nothing will change the facts of what happened. It's a question of how OP wants to live her life. I took a vow to devote myself to my DP and to me that means honesty, and not just when it's easy. It means facing the consequences of my actions to preserve the integrity of my promises to my partner. Self-regret does not mean I can forgive & forget my own betrayal.

But these are my values. OP needs to decide hers.

whenever this question is posed on MN, the consensus is always about 50/50 tell/don't tell

just sayin'

I have no idea how you even begin to keep such a huge betrayal secret from someone you supposedly love and are in a close relationship with.

Its the kind of crap you hear from men when they are trying to justify their bad behaviour - I'm protecting her - what a joke. If you were so interested in your other half you wouldn't have shagged a workmate - not even a random - someone at work FFS. Someone who will absolutely tell someone else and so the likelihood is everyone will get to know - apart from your other half - you know the one you supposedly love.

I wonder what your definition of love is. It sure is different from mine.

The only person protected by not disclosing the betrayal is the one doing the betraying -although I personally believe all you are doing is ensuring further protracted misery. The truth really can set you free.

as the child of two people who had affairs, i can vouch that in some cases, fessing up can do more hard than good.

As I've already said, in my experience I'd rather not know if it was truly a one off mistake.

I also know that my DH, whilst acknowledging the unfairness of it says that if I slept with anyone else, either as a one off or as an affair he would not be able to forgive me, for him it would be a dealbreaker. IME that is more typical of men.

Peanut - how are you doing today?

notalways you must be a saint who has never made a mistake in her life.

people in glass houses...etc etc.

Give him the choice of whether or not he wants to stay with you after this. You have no right to take that choice away from. Whether it was a one off or not - if you had an ounce of respect for him, you'd tell him, and not continue to lie to him every day for however long your relationship may last. That is a much worse betrayal than shagging someone in my opinion, and that is what he is more likely to leave you for when he does eventually find out. Which he will, as it was so close to home. You made your choice to shag somebody else, now let him make his.

Absolutely shocking that people are suggesting that it was okay to shag somebody else and then continue to hide it, because she appears to be sorry, and it was a one off blah blah blah. I've never once seen a thread like this from a male OP swing the way this one has, and I doubt I ever will.

You see, you've let someone else into your marriage. Not just physically, even if you're not about to repeat it, but that person is there between you now and in the future. In your guilt and regret.

The question is, I guess, what's the best way, long-term, of eradicating his influence and effect?
Trying to bury the whole episode and pretend it never happened? Thing is, it won't work, because you can't be 100% sure it won't get out around the office. And also, because you fell so bad about it that your DH, if you have any sort of intuition and closeness between you, will notice the difference in you. It might only work if you don't give a sh**. But you do.
Or, tell him? He'll be devastated. Your marriage will be shaken to its core. (But then it is anyway, albeit unknown to him). But you can tackle it together and what will come out of it is a new honesty.
I wish you the best.

I've never once seen a thread like this from a male OP swing the way this one has, and I doubt I ever will.

Which is symptomatic of our treatment of men. As indeed much of the advice given to women in this situation is also symptomatic.

I hope that I would be as impartial without regard to the 'offenders' gender. I can't answer for anyone else's conscience but mine, at least, is clear.

We can all have our tenpennorth but it's the OP who has to make the decision based on her knowledge of her relationship.

All we have been doing (as we always do) is offer advice (which has been sought) based on our own experiences and opinions.

MabelMay, it's not a matter of being a saint or not. We all make mistakes.

The question is how to deal with those mistakes. One option is to sweep it under the carpet and hope nobody ever finds out. That depends on the other man never saying anything as well as the OP's ability to lie convincingly. The other option is to tell the truth. Neither of those options is anything to do with being saintly, they're just possible next steps from here.

To try to couch this in terms of some people never making mistakes is missing the point IMO.

neither saint or in a glasshouse - just cannot stand the whole - oh lord, how did it happen nonsense. Well it happened because at some point you weighed up your relationship value against the value of a shag with your workmate. Shag with the workmate won.

Sorry's don't make that any different. Regret doesn't change how things are.

The question as to whether she tells or not, well its an absolutely clear moral choice in my books - but not everyone reads from the same book. Deceit and lies seem to be the norm for many.

You work with the man you cheated on your husband with, what you have done has a high possibility of getting out as it is not some random stranger.

I suggest you come clean.

OP a massive number of people get drunk and shag someone else ONCE and massively regret it , and keep it to themselves.

There is a huge chance some on this thread will have done so .And /or their partners.

Just lay off the booze, don't do it again, and keep your mouth shut.
And forget about it . Yes it's perfectly possible to do that.

There is no need whatsoever for it to rock your marriage to the core. You don't need for it to be some massive drama. It was a stupid mistake and you won't do it again, will you?

If you had murdered someone and buried the body my advice would not be the same.

sow are things pm?

how