I've done something terrible

[peanutmarmite]

No excuses. Drunk. First time I've ever even considered anyone but DP, I have no idea what I was thinking, I hate myself, I really really hate myself. If I tell him it's all over, if I don't I'm the worst person alive. I think I'm going to jump into a canal, i am the worst person alive.

Oh and perfumed I just want to say that I appreciate you were reaching out to help a poster in distress and that your motivation for doing so was decent and kind. Perhaps you hadn't seen the reassurance from the OP about the suicide rhetoric before you posted again advising her to deny all?

But the harm which has been done is the infidelity, the coming clean doesn't cause any harm, it simply brings to light the harm which has been done. And harm has been done whether it is brought to light or not.

If the OP decides not to tell, then the infidelity will act as a corrosive. Trust, which in my view is key to healthy relationships, has gone entirely.

Reading between the lines I would also put money on the OP going for this again. Keeping it secret allows her an opportunity for it to happen again.

interesting about the gender point. I am a male poster, bee naround for a fair bit on here. Am single but let's pretend not so. IF I were to post about the exact same circs. re an infidelity with a 'friend' and feeling utterly shite about it etc, would the advice be any different?
I am pretty sure it would be. It would be to tell her, overwhelmingly. Why would that be?

WWIFN, correct, I hadn't seen that. I was really concerned for her. I still wouldn't advise she told her partner though, but that's just my personal opinion. Perhaps I have not been there, although I could just as easily have been cheated on, and never found out.

And much as I think this site is great for getting things off your chest and seeking advice, I don't think the advice over rides the need to ensure someone is safe, and sound of mind. What is meant as helpful honesty at the wrong time can also have a terrible outcome to someone vulneravble.

Has the op been back?

I agree notalways because that's the other thing about undiscovered infidelity. The "taboo" has gone, the world did not stop turning on its axis and it is easier to do a second time. And yes, the harm has already been done.

I think that it is likely, that given the OP had sex with someone at work, who they have known for a long time, and not a faceless stranger in a bar, the chances are that it will come to the attention of her DP at some point.

The OP says that she is not making any excuses, but in the same sentence says that she was drunk. She needs to come clean. She is clearly devastated by what she has done and I doubt that she will ever be able to forgive herself without the forgiveness of her DP. Of course, she might not get that.

Saying that she should deny and deny and deny if he confronts her is just vile

One denial does not make a gaslighter though WWIFN. Well, not in my opinion. Would I advise a man who posted the exact same as the op, absoloutly.

I disagree Perfumed but it's okay for us all to do that sometimes isn't it? We're all trying to help the OP and her unknown DP, in whichever way we can.

Meant to add, yes I would advise same if op was a man, a man who was so distraught he was thinking of ending it.

If someone is so terrified of the truth that they mentioned rivers, I think it is crucially important not to add to their fear.

Yes, yes, she said that was false, but how do you ever know?

Totally, and I mostly completely agree with your opinions WWIFN, and admire your way of putting them across

I've been thinking really hard about this! I've played all the roles this scenario, with and without confessions. So much depends on so much individual detail. I don't believe there is only one right answer to any moral or emotional question. Peanut, I hope you're feeling a bit better now - well, less hungover anyway.

In your case, knowing only what you've posted here, I wouldn't tell DP. I'd have a quiet and serious word with the other bloke. Presumably he was pissed as well. Is he a decent chap who will respect you & your relationship? If you can trust him, keep stumm. However - if this gets you, to the extent that DP asks what's up, you will have to tell him. You will then have to grovel hugely, for as long as it takes, to win his trust back. I hope it doesn't come to that - you made a bad mistake, IT IS OVER and there's no doubt of your regret. You're not likely to do it gain, are you?

If you can get over your guilt (and, to an extent, yourself - sorry) enough to put it in the past & continue to be DP's loving, trustworthy partner - then do :) Good luck.

Yes the harm has been done but if this is a genuine, one off drunken mistake that the op truly bitterly regrets, it would be, in my opinion, cause MORE harm to her partner by telling him what happened.

would, not would be

Can't bloody type today!

Btw, this forum doesn't always advise "getting rid of" a cheating DH, when the misdemeanour was a one-night shag. Mostly the oppposite, in fact! That happens when it emerges the H has been systematically lying and/or being a twat.

"Men react to infidelity differently from women. Women usually forgive, whereas men don't. She is assuming your DP will react like a woman and forgive you. He won't."

I'm amazed that you have had such a long and well-travelled life to allow you to talk to every man in the world about this topic. How extraordinary.

Meanwhile, back in the real world and away from such wild and sweeping generalisations, some men will forgive for such a thing and some won't. Just like women, in fact (one would almost think they're the same species).

I'm a man and if my ex had come to me soon after shagging someone else and told me about it honestly then I'd almost certainly have forgiven her (depending on who it was with - "random stranger": yes, "my dad": no).

Again, it comes back to respect. A mistaken, drunken shag is dumb and may suggest deeper relationship problems or it might just be a sign to cut back on the booze. A drunken shag and years of lies, though, is disrespectful.

excellently put Snorbs.

I must admit I always thought what Baggy says was true, in a general way. Men who post on mn are probably a more sensitive and aware bunch. So I still think the generalisation may obtain. It's to do with being "cuckolded", I thought. I really don't know but at times like these who knows what gut reactions spring forth.

Snorbs is right.

I think it is worth remembering that no matter how much you may want to, you cannot make this situation any better. You may feel as if that is possible, you can hope it will go away. It won't.

It is possible, however, to make this situation worse.

Do not do that.

Yes I would say, perhaps there is not necessarily a "type of person" who would act this way, but you do turn yourself into a different type of person if you lie consistently for a long time about it. I think that's what's meant by the lies changing everything rather than the act.

Keep talking to us. Don't say anything to him. I promise you it will sort itself out.I agree with the others you can only make it worse if you spill the beans. What's done is done now put it to the back of your mind...believe it or not there are worse things in life. Take care x

never ever tell him or indeed anyone

100% right bright light...

OP I really really feel for you. Yes you made a mistake, however the guilt you are so obviously feeling is punishment enough. You have to weigh up whether the fallout from telling your dh is going to assuage your conscience, or if it is going to tear both of your lives apart.
You are not the first person to make a mistake like this and you won't be the last, if it was me I think I would try very hard to learn from it, vow never ever to do it again and lock it away forever.
Just remember that you are not a bad person you just made an error of judgement.
Hope you are ok x