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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've done something terrible

142 replies

peanutmarmite · 04/10/2010 12:01

No excuses. Drunk. First time I've ever even considered anyone but DP, I have no idea what I was thinking, I hate myself, I really really hate myself. If I tell him it's all over, if I don't I'm the worst person alive. I think I'm going to jump into a canal, i am the worst person alive.

OP posts:
Snorbs · 04/10/2010 14:27

Tell him the truth. ASAP. These things have a tendency to come out sooner or later anyway and it will sound a whole lot better coming from you now than from someone else a year down the line.

If you tell him now you have to apologise for shagging someone else. If he finds out from someone else in weeks/months/years then you'll need to apologise for shagging someone else and for all the secrets and lies since.

To put my cards on the table, I found out about my ex's infidelities soon after we split up (that wasn't the reason we split). I wish she'd had the guts and basic respect for me to tell me at the time.

littlecritter · 04/10/2010 14:38

My xp tried to cover his tracks. I found out over a year later. The lies and deceit hurt far more than the infidelity. If you choose not to tell him now then the potential fall-out will multiply with each day that you conceal this.

Only you can make the choice. Just remember that you are not allowing your DP any choice. That shift in the balance of power could have a deep impact on your relationship if you choose not to disclose. Good luck.

buttonmoon78 · 04/10/2010 14:38

I'm one of those who advocated not telling. I didn't advocate lying though. If it comes out then you have to be 100% honest and confess (though perhaps the bit about it being incredible could be left out...) However, I've also been on the other end of this situation.

If my (still)DH's affair had been a one night drunken mistake then I would rather not know. And if I did find out I would have found that far easier to forgive than a protracted affair with my then closest female friend.

I did forgive that too but it was hard.

Peanut - I hope you enjoyed your chosen hangover cure and I'm noticing that you've not confirmed your protected status...

buttonmoon78 · 04/10/2010 14:39

Hmm, spotting something which needs clarifying: lying as in lying if he becomes suspicious. Not telling is by it's very nature deceitful.

GypsyMoth · 04/10/2010 14:40

no fab,i dont.

it hurts more because it was hidden away,our 2 year old was on his iphone,the fb app,and it was there in the messages

he gave me the phone to read....i read all the messages and felt sick. it would have been so much better if he's held his hands up at the time and said it was a mistake etc etc.....still would've hurt,but op,the hiding it away makes it worse.

thats it snorbs,basic respect....

Appletrees · 04/10/2010 14:56

I'd rather not know myself. But that doesn't mean I recommend not telling. I don't know. What a minefield.

IUsedToBeFab · 04/10/2010 16:01

I am so sorry TT. Sad Has he apologised for what he has done and for not telling you?

Rainbowbubbles · 04/10/2010 16:04

Peanut hun, if you need to speak to someone just pick up the phone to the samaritans, they are there if you just need to talk. I was a sam for years and prevention is better than cure - you don't want this to make you depressed, it's what they are there for. Big hug x

StealthPolarBear · 04/10/2010 16:11

How are you doing peanut?

notalways · 04/10/2010 16:12

shagging someone you work with doesn't just happen.

You've cheated on your partner - if you don't tell him then you are betraying him further.

Maybe he won't mind, maybe he will but surely that's up to him - its not up to you to make his decision for him by not telling him what kind of person you are. And you are the kind of person who cheats on someone you supposedly love.

Appletrees · 04/10/2010 16:15

Notalways: I don't think there's a type. Good people do bad things. Bad people do good things. I guess you're trying to offer an antidote to the people saying as you might see it it doesn't matter. I think Peanut realises it does matter and how much it matters.

notalways · 04/10/2010 16:18

Well we all have our own opinions - i don't think it makes someone good or bad, but I do think that some people cheat and some people don't.

I think there are some people who lie and excuse lies and some people who prefer the truth and live truthful lives.

I think there are a lot of people who kid themselves on - usually the type of person who thinks that shagging someone "just happens".

celticfairy101 · 04/10/2010 16:22

As a woman whose husband has walked out on her to go to the arms of someone else please don't do anything in your present state of mind.

I would have forgiven him totally if it was a one night stand. We all make foolish mistakes. Please love yourself and forgive yourself.

If you do decide to jump into a river his first thought will be why did she do that. I would have forgiven her.

Don't tell him. You've told us. We're here to support.

perfumedlife · 04/10/2010 16:24

I think what people are missing is that peanut was talking about killing herself, when I and others posted that things are never that bad. She is not around, so hopefully she is simply sleeping it off. But it could have been worse.

Talk of telling her dp was just not appropriate given the state she was in. She needed talken down off the wall. Only when she is of clear head and mind is it appropriate to talk about that. Let's face it, it could be the end of her relationship, it is serious. If it were me, I would have to wonder why I even felt a smidgeon of temptation. I would want to analyse it. I might call time on my relationship, while i worked it out. But all that is for later, at lunch time she was suicidal, at least that's what it looked like in print.

As for gaslighting, sometimes I think a reality cheack is needed in these forums.

chippy47 · 04/10/2010 16:29

The pendulum swings. Nobody can give the 'right' answer -only you can make that decision and it is a incredibly hard one.

Keep it secret - can you get over the guilt and if so, how quickly? Your sub-conscious may tell you you got away with it so it may happen again (you have a wonderful DP and a good life but you got pissed and shagged somebody you fancied -doesn't sound great).

Confess -your DP will have a hard time coming to terms with it considering there are no problems in the relationship. He may not come to terms with it and walk away but you may feel you have to give him that choice. The odds are he will find out at some point -far too many ways this can come out in this modern age.

There has been far more sympathy for you than if it had been a man cheating on his DP (as has been said). You were pissed but still knew what you were doing and as an adult you have to face up to your behaviour and deal with it.

MabelMay · 04/10/2010 16:42

Please don't tell him. It's over - it was a mistake - you regret it.

It's a forgivable mistake; but it would cause more harm than good to confess, definitely.

I would also like to echo some other posters thoughts here tho' about the hypocrisy of mumsnet. If it were a man posting i wonder how many MNetters would be hurling abuse at the OP with accusations of not being able to keep his cock in his pants etc. Sad

I personally think - man or woman - this is nothing to get in a tizz about.

chippy47 · 04/10/2010 16:47

From earlier:

'Sorry I didn't mean i actually intend to top myself, it was rhetoric, sorry'

perfumedlife · 04/10/2010 16:51

Yes chippy, but not at the start.

rubbersoul · 04/10/2010 16:51

If there is no chance of him finding out I really really wouldn't say anything.... honestly.

It was a mistake. We ALL make mistakes. You were drunk (I know some people will say this is a crap excuse but I for one have been known to practically become a different person when drunk and do things TOTALLY out of character.)

If you tell him you will be making it worse- you may feel better for getting it of your chest but think about how you will be making him feel. I know you are beating yourself up over this but you can get through this. Vow to yourself to never be in that situation again and draw a line under this- for both your sakes.

Hope you're ok x

Bast · 04/10/2010 16:52

Tell him.

You already made one mistake, don't make it worse by engaging in lies - this would not be a mistake but an intentional act of deceit, disrespect and cowardice.

RitaLynn · 04/10/2010 17:03

I think there are two perspectives here, and I think it depends on what you think makes right and wrong.

From one approach, it's about the consequences. If you say nothing, there's a certain chance he might not find out, you resolve to never do it again, and you're in the clear. Alternatively, he may find out six months later from someone else, and having lied would make things worse.

The other approach is about what is inherently the right thing to do and damn the consequences. Should you deceive the person you love more than anyone else in the world?

I don't know what the answer is, but it depends on how you derive your ethical view of the world (and where philosophy does sometimes have a practical use)

RitaLynn · 04/10/2010 17:11

Maybe I'm hinting at what I think, but with the first approach, you'll always be waiting to find out whether you'll get found out, and you're taking a gamble. With the second approach, you'll know straight away you did the right thing.

BaggyAgy · 04/10/2010 17:14

Hi,
I normally agree with everything Whenwillfeelnormal says, but this time I feel she is wrong. Men react to infidelity differently from women. Women usually forgive, whereas men don't. She is assuming your DP will react like a woman and forgive you. He won't. Keep your secret and keep your relationship or confess and lose it. Forgive yourself and then forget the whole incident. Then it won't impact on your relationship. If it were a long affair you might see your DP as a victim and stop fancying him, but not for one incident of stupidity. It need impact no more than a dirty dream.. If the man tells, then deny. Your DP is more likely to believe you.

I have been cheated on, the truth hurts unbelievably. If it is not going to happen again, keep quiet, or accept that your relationship, as you now know it, is over.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 04/10/2010 17:22

BA we are going to have to agree to disagree about this one. IME, men I've known have been far more forgiving than women I've known in this situation. I can testify to this in RL as well as on these boards. I think any generalisation about men and women needs challenging - we don't all act the same according to our gender. Some men and women would forgive, some wouldn't - there is no universal response based on gender.

Reality check? Gaslighting is very real I'm afraid and being advised to deny like a politician is just awful. Like others, I cannot imagine for one minute that a male poster would be given the same advice.

rubbersoul · 04/10/2010 17:23

But if this is genuinely a (big) one off mistake, is it really worth the damage it will cause by confessing? Many people who have cheated tell their partners as they can't cope with the guilt- are they not just burdening their partner instead?

If the OP had done this more than once I would be coming from a completely different perspective, believe me. But if it was a stupid, drunken mistake I think it would cause more harm than good to tell.

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