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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I've done something terrible

142 replies

peanutmarmite · 04/10/2010 12:01

No excuses. Drunk. First time I've ever even considered anyone but DP, I have no idea what I was thinking, I hate myself, I really really hate myself. If I tell him it's all over, if I don't I'm the worst person alive. I think I'm going to jump into a canal, i am the worst person alive.

OP posts:
toastandmarmiterocks · 04/10/2010 13:22

oh dear, poor you. sounds like you've got yourself in a bit of a state. You are in that hungover dip (PPD - post pissed depression). Absolutely do not tell your DP, at least not yet. Have a long long think about why it happened. I know the booze encouraged things but you say you have always liked this bloke, maybe things aren't quite so rosey with your DP. Booze doesn't make you do things you hadn't already thought of, even sub-consciously. You did a bad thing cheating on your DP and for that you have to just swallow it (no pun intended!), let the guilt make you feel bad not your DP. Having said that, you must not let it destroy you. Yes, you did a bad thing but its not the worse thing in the world. If you know it really is a one off then put it behind you and look forward with your DP.

Chin up and get that MacD's down you!

IUsedToBeFab · 04/10/2010 13:23

Did you use a condom?

becstarlitsea · 04/10/2010 13:24

Don't tell him. What purpose would that serve - just reducing your own guilt, it wouldn't make it right, would just make him miserable.
Definitely reduce alcohol - if you're p*ed you're more likely to confess all to your DP as well as potentially getting yourself in deeper than a one-night-stand.

Don't do it again. It was wrong. You know that, but I have to say it and I don't think you'd take anyone seriously who thought otherwise
Get checked for STDs even if you used protection.

Don't gush all over your DP - dead giveaway, he might well twig something is up. Just remember to treasure him in little ways for the next 40 years or so.
If you have any religion, even a smidgen of it, and know a vicar/reverend who is normal and sensible you could confess to them (most will hear confession whatever denomination inc. CofE). I just advise that as otherwise you might tell your DP further on down the line if its been eating away at you. I did a confession to a vicar 14 years ago after deciding to change my life (not remotely like your situation, other stuff). He didn't pressure me to go to church and it did help to get everything out and pray for forgiveness, even though I don't believe in a vengeful god. I needed to feel I had a fresh start - it helped me to be different from that point on. If you are staunch atheist of course then perhaps a counsellor might be able to listen in the same role.
Also think about why this happened - maybe just alcohol but it's still worth thinking it through. Are you and your DP making enough time for each other? Are you angry or resentful at him about something - even something tiny? Are you wistful about 'another life' you could have if you weren't being a mum & wife? Make sure you know exactly why and that you put in the work to fix anything that was at the root of it.

Pixie83 · 04/10/2010 13:26

I agree that peanutmarmite shouldn't tell and has just made a silly mistake which she shouldn't beat herself up forever for.

But I just wanted to say that it's a shame we can't all be more forgiving (myself included BTW) when it's a man who gets drunk and shags someone.... Confused

PfftTheMagicDragon · 04/10/2010 13:31

I don't think that denying is the way forward.

I think that there is a clear difference between making a mistake that you KNOW will not get back to your DP and not telling him/her and actually lying to their face when they discover the truth.

IMO you should tell him and let him make his choice. If he wants to work it out, then great, but if he doesn't....that's that.

You are clearly remorseful, and you know that you have made a mistake. But don't make it worse by a)hiding it if it is likely to come out, and b)lying to his face if he finds out the truth.

primrose22 · 04/10/2010 13:35

I agree with pixie. I can't help wondering what reaction a man would get.....
Glad the talk of rivers and canals has finished! I hope your feeling better after some hangover food and a sleep x

peanutmarmite · 04/10/2010 13:40

No really dp is wonderful, I don't want any other life I was v stupid. trying not to think about the bloke in question telling anyone tbh

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 04/10/2010 13:50

i just found out my dp has had a bit of extra curricular....

today i am devastated....he didnt tell me....it happened back in june.

i have just been round sainsburys with our 2 year old with tears streaming down my face......it hurts,and he only exchanged sex messages with an old friend on fb,no actual contact. yet i'm unable to function....

Trubert · 04/10/2010 13:51

I don't understand all this advice not to tell him.

Is this what we want from our husbands if/when they make a stupid mistake? To hide it from us?

If so, then carry on as you were. Maybe it's just me. To me, a mistake would be one thing, lying about it quite another.

Xales · 04/10/2010 13:54

OK

So serious stuff

Did you use a condom? Did you use any other form of contraception?

If no condom you need to get yourself checked and if there is a problem you have to tell your partner. You need to try and avoid sex with your partner if this is the case as it is unfair.

Not trying to guilt you just being pratical.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 04/10/2010 13:56

I agree, Trubert, bizarre frankly

loopylou6 · 04/10/2010 13:57

Totally echo xales. You have been asked.before and you seem to be avoiding the question

StealthPolarBear · 04/10/2010 13:58

No, I agree, think you need to tell him

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 04/10/2010 13:59

Like Pfft, here's the voice of dissent. Some of you are actually suggesting that if the OP's DP becomes suspicious, that she denies and tells lies. That is called gaslighting.

I always recommend in these situations that there is a controlled disclosure, but only after discussing it all with a non-judgemental person like a counsellor.

Good people do bad things. Only you know OP, how you think you might respond to keeping this secret. I can tell you that some of the unforeseen effects are that in your guilt, you may end up over-compensating and letting your DP off the hook for things you wouldn't normally bargain away and you may end up seeing him as a victim, which will alter your view of him and his sexual appeal.

Just having this secret could possibly drive a wedge between you and have an effect on your intimacy. There is often a ripple effect with regretted infidelity.

You might think that your DP would end your relationship instantly if you confess all, but often people are far more forgiving, once they have got through their shock and anger. Many people in your situation think that their continued secrecy is noble and that they are protecting their partner from hurt. This is only partially true because at least some of the reason is to protect yourself from the fall-out.

Go to a counsellor in slower time if there is no danger of this coming out. If however there is a chance that your DP will find out from someone else (likely, given the connections) then tell him, because he might be able to forgive a confession, but not a public humiliation.

Pixie83 · 04/10/2010 14:00

And wanted to add (before I had to close quickly when my boss walked in Blush that it sounds to me like not telling may not be very realistic, if peanut is planning on continuing to work with this man.

Unless he is a saint (and he clearly isn't) there is every chance of him bragging about his conquest to other people he works with, isn't there? And once the gossip mill is running, OP will be terrified of even a knowing look or snide remark in front of her DH at the next Christmas do won't she?

IMO, if there is any chance at all of DH hearing this from someone else, she has to make sure she tells him first. If he hears it from someone else, her apologies and remorse are going to sound pretty shallow, aren't they? He will obviously be very hurt by what she tells him, but at least if she volunteers the information first, he will have no reason not to believe her version of events. If she is just doing damage limitation after he's heard it from someone else, he may well imagine what he's heard is just the tip of the iceberg.

Sorry, I really don't want to make peanut feel any worse, but I think some of you are over-simplifying the situation.

ChippingIn · 04/10/2010 14:03

Trubert - have you ever had someone cheat on you? Before my Ex did, I would have said the same, now I wouldn't. If it was a one off I would not want to know - well actually I would want to know, but it would be better for me not to - if he was absolutely gutted by it and knew he wouldn't do it again - ever. Honestly is actually not all that it's cracked up to be :(

PBGirl · 04/10/2010 14:03

This is unbelievable! What if peanut was on here saying she had just heard her dp had slept with somebody else? What would you all be saying then? Ditch him? Don't give him a second chance? He should have at least had the guts to tell you?

There are obviously very few responses on this thread from those who have been on the receiving end of deceit but I think they are the ones you need to listen to.

TrappedinSuburbia · 04/10/2010 14:06

Peanut, i snogged someone once on a night out, I know its not the same but I would have been as well to shag them the way I felt the next day. And tbh, if we'd had the opportunity that night we probably would have.

I had never felt so utterly stupid or devastated about what id done, I was so panicked as well about what dp would have done had he found out.

I vowed never to put myself in that position again and I haven't. You will get over it and if you can speak the the om and are assured he didn't/won't tell anyone then all the better.

Don't wreck your dh's life if you don't have to.

StealthPolarBear · 04/10/2010 14:07

If you do tell you will need to show that you mean your promises never to happen again - including leaving your job in a set time. Can you do that?
How are you doing? I'm near the Wear if you are wandering round?

shimmerysilverglitter · 04/10/2010 14:11

If he finds out, admit, agree with that. One off mistake, don't tell but if it gets out then tell him and make sure you tell him everything, only decent thing to do at that point.

Hullygully · 04/10/2010 14:14

If you didn't use a condom, you have to tell him. You can't play games with his life.

GypsyMoth · 04/10/2010 14:14

look,i'm on the recieving end of it today.....finding out about it has made it ten times worse....as if he covered up and was proud to have got away with it. thats all i can think right now.

tell him...tell him it was a mistake. tell him asap......it will hurt a million times more if he finds out later,believe me.

StealthPolarBear · 04/10/2010 14:15

sorry TT :(

Appletrees · 04/10/2010 14:20

I think I agree with normal. But I just hate to give advice in a situation like this, the outcome is so unknown and so potentially dangerous. Only you can know, peanut.

Imagining boot on the other foot: if dh told me something like this, well the morning after, straight away, the distress, the remorse, the self-hatred it would be very, very different to being told a couple of days later, when HE was in control, or finding out a few months later, after all the lying.

On the other hand: don't know has its benefits. But in your case it doesn't seem so.

But only you know, really.

IUsedToBeFab · 04/10/2010 14:25

I don't think I would want to know if DH did this but then I wouldn't want him laughing at me at him knowing and me not either. Tough one.

Secrets are so hard to live with and can destroy a relationship whether told or not.

Sorry TT Sad. Do you know what you are going to do?