can i start a thread for us mistress's??

[meandmrsjones]

how many on mumsnet are there?
ive noticed with good reason that they are very badly thought of on here - just from the threads i have read
im not what you call i full mistress as of yet we are yet to sleep togther - neither of us are single and we both have kids and responsibilities so not not wish to upset our partners but we feel so drawn to each other,he is all i can think about
would just like to her others experiences and if it ever worked out for the best ?

go ahead and flame

I have been out with a married man in the past. I always felt that if he wanted to go out with me, another man, then there were incurable problems with the marriage already. I don't any more. I really don't want to be the other man in a breakdown. It's not through lack of offers though. The amount of men out there on the internet looking for "discrete" relationships is incredible.

I'm sorry if I've upset the OP and the other women on this post.

My now ex h went to have his affair cos he was bored with being a dad, paying a mortgage etc or so he thought!

I didn't stop wearing the sexy undies!, had regular sex! and still look good, I was only 32 when he went off, hardly past it.

However when it all came out and the grass wasn't greener. I in fact didn't want to know....

his family thought he was disgusting and didn't want to know

neither did most of his friends!

My daughter is too young and I never have bad mouthed her daddy but she does ask why her daddy doesn't live with us...

my son I'm afraid has been hit the worst and is forever in turmoil, tears, blaming himself etc and no amount of cajoling has worked. For those who haven't ever witnessed their child howling through pain of a broken heart, I hope you never do.

and now my ex lives alone in a rented one bed flat after his OW burnt down (yes she really did this!) his flat after he wanted to come back.

Sometimegirl, he didn't leave, thought affair would brighten his life up with a totally mad OW.
He wanted back but you can't just mend love like that, he thought he'd have his cake and eat it.

So I'm sorry if I offended and lets hope that none of you ever have to suffer your partner's betrayal whether you wear sexy undies or not!

I know of a situation where a couple of years after the affair, the two wronged partners got together and were extremely happy, as were her children ...and the philandering two ended up alone and miserable.

...That's not to diminish the pain children initially feel (horrific) and which can have serious ramifications for some.

I think there is a massive misconception that being a 'mistress' is all brilliant fun.

Sometimes it is an extremely painful situation. Sometimes a person genuinely falls deeply, deeply in love with another person who is already married, and he falls in love with her, and tells her over and over again that one day they will be together.

She waits, she begins to understand it's not looking good but when this man comes to find her and she opens the door and he is crying on her doorstep, saying how much he loves her, and she hasn't seen him for weeks and feels as though she is half dead from missing him...to shut the door in his face goes against her whole being.

She knows it is wrong. He knows it is wrong. But when they are together all they feel is love, closeness, and a horrible, horrible pain knowing they will be apart again soon.

It doesn't feel like a bad thing when you are there, it feels like the most wonderful, joyous thing in the world, wherever you are, sex or no sex.

Of course it's horribly wrong but it's not an easy ride for anyone. Often the 'mistress' holds on for years because to tell him to leave would feel like cutting off her own arm.

Arraifs are wrong and awful but they can be like a trap. Very hard to escape from indeed, if you really are in love.

affairs, I mean...sorry.

Flight, that "star-crossed lovers" scenario you paint so well there, kinda curdles when you think of the wife and children that are being so cruelly betrayed

A "horrible, horrible" pain when they are apart. You mean when this dog bloke wagging his two dicks goes home to have his cake and eat it too....?

What a load of romantic bollocks, honestly.

Why don't these OW women understand ? The only person who wins in these situations is the bloke who gets to shag two (or more) women, and they are the ones wringing their hands and trying to make him feel better about it whichever way he turns.

It makes me feel nauseous,tbh

I struggle to have sympathy for the 'painful situation' that mistresses are in TBH. They are in that situation by choice, ie they chose to shag a married man. Maybe some of these women didn't know from the onset, but I'm sure it never takes that long to put 2 & 2 together and work it out.

They at least chose to get into these warped relationships, unlike the wives & children, who have no choice at all.

I have some advice for mistresses - dump the cheating arse and meet somebody who is free to have a real, grown up relationship with you.

Part of the mystery surrounding an affair is the pain of parting, the ecstasy of meeting, that brief bubble of excitement. It's seems to me to be like a drug, a drug that brings you back to the remembrance of a teenage crush. Where responsibilities and real life are thrown out of sight and mind.

Flight the picture you paint sounds horrible. Why would anyone waste or sacrifice their lives in such a way. It could be likened to a nun marrying God.

It smacks of immaturity on both parties. Self absorbed and selfish with no care for those left on the sidelines and suffering the consequences.

But you only have to look at the threads on here to see that lifelong monogamy is not a bed or roses for the (seemingly fewer and fewer) who stick to the marriage vows. And by that I don't just mean lifelong fidelity, I also mean "til death us do part". Divorce is breaking the marriage vows just as much as infidelity.

What if someone genuinely falls in love with an attached person? A lot of men are very reluctant to leave the marital home, irrespective of their feelings towards their wives, because they lose access to their children and financially it is expensive to run two households. Plus, the grass may not necessarily be greener once the part-time relationship becomes full time.

Hence, the "mistress" fulfills a role, at least for a time, whether emotional/physical or both. And don't forget the old saying that once a man marries his mistress, he creates a job vacancy.

Sorry, not trying to be flippant. It sounds as though you are being blackmailed by your partner which is not good.

The problem is that lifelong monogamy can become lifelong monotony and I personally think that men, especially, are not well programmed to deal with this. Hence, the mistresses, sex workers, porn etc etc, not to mention separation and divorce.

Several couples I know have recently announced that they are splitting up. The main reason appears to be boredom as apparently there is no-one else involved! I would consider that to be more of an insult than infidelity I think.

God, the judging on these threads...

It's astounding, it really is. There's no other subject in which judging will be tolerated. You can say you saw a pissed woman in crocs force-feeding a tattooed, pierced three month old a sausage roll while letting a hungry pit bull lick her face clean of fruit shoot, and the vast majority of people on here will leap to her defence.

But fall in love with the wrong person at the wrong time, and you are a bad mother, a bad person, just bad.

Stuff happens. People rarely make shitty choices when they are happy. Even those with the best intentions can find themselves in situations they really would never choose.

And I find techlovingdad's attitude extremely weird. So damning, yet he married a woman with form in this area. Quite unapologetic she sounds, too. I wonder how he can be so damning when he lives with the evidence that nice people can do shit stuff?

I'd love to be so perfect, so grown up, so adult, so able to do really unbelievably difficult things that are in the best interests of everyone without so much as a tiny fuckup as all you judges on here.

Funny though, I never meet anyone like you lot in real life. Funny, and a bloody relief.

The OP sounds miserable. You lot could do with a dose of humility and compassion.

No one is judging. All that is being done is pointing out the terrible consequences of adultery and the hopeless life of a mistress.

If two people do meet while attached and put the end of their marriage down to boredom then why are they starting a relationship with each other? Are they not going to face the problems of boredom down the line?

Who the heck is perfect? What you can be is grown up and adult. That's easy. What's difficult is the person who never matures and always seeks the selfish way out (it's not a criticism to call someone selfish all it means is that they are thinking only of themselves).

An immature adult may appear to be free going and easy. Try having a relationship with them and it's the most difficult job, yes it becomes a chore, in the world.

I have as much humility and compassion to give to a mistress as they do to the children and women lurking in the background

Oh, there's judging on here. Loads of it.

It's the bitterness, the superiority...it's ugly.

I'm not saying what the OP or any OW is the right thing.

But how many of us always do the right thing straight away?

And being grown up and adult isn't always easy...staying in your adult ego state, and having a relationship with someone else on that basis is pretty bloody difficult for a lot of us.

Bowing out. Nothing useful to add, other than take care of yourself, OP, and do the right thing for you as soon as you are strong enough.

Just a quick word of advice before you go.

All actions have consequences.

I know it sounds horrible Celticfairy - that's the point.

I'm not saying it's OK to be in a relationship with someone married, all I am trying to say is that it is not always a bed of roses.

I'm sure some brief flings are very much fun and frolic but the longer term affair is nearly always characterised by intense pain on the part of the other woman.

This is in no way to denigrate the pain of the person being cheated on. Of course not.

But people do seem to think being the other woman is all about having fun when often it's really, really awful. And yes you enter into it knowing that but by the time you have fallen in love with the person, you're going to have the pain whether you choose to keep seeing them or choose to walk away from someone you like that much.

The only way to avoid falling in love with someone married is to avoid contact with anyone married. It can just happen, I don't believe loving someone is a choice, once you know them.

What you do about it is but usually it hurts either way.

Celtic - I was suggesting that people split up for all sorts of reasons, not just infidelity. A lot of people find it difficult to stick with the marriage vows, for whatever reasons. It's quite a tall order, for a whole lifetime.

I was simply pointing out that several couples I know are splitting up because they are bored of being in the marriage - there is no-one else waiting in the wings. I think they feel they have reached the end of the road with regards to the relationship. I am not saying this is right or wrong, but is it NECESSARILY any better than leaving (or possibly not leaving) because you have fallen in love with someone else?

These things happen. And I agree with the posters who have suggested that there is scarcely any other aspect of human behaviour that evokes so much bitterness, anger and scorn as marital infidelity. In fact, it is almost the last taboo, which is ironic in a way because while everyone seems to deride it, quite a few people do it at one stage or another. (Presumably no reliable statistics available....)

OP, as always, I would suggest some counselling to sort out your feelings here.

I also still don't quite understand how we have got to the stage where divorce is pretty much completely socially acceptable, while any kind of transgression in a long term relationship is totally frowned upon. Surely there is some contradiction here?

Tadpoles:

Would you expect your boyfriend/husband to be faithful to you?

Divorce is a civil right. It's there to get people out of marriages that have gone horribly wrong such as domestic violence, abuse of the children and incompatibility.

Adultery is in my opinion, a form of abuse. There was another thread on this where women from abused relationships left the partner after the discovery of an affair. The affair seemed to them more hurtful than a fist in the face.

If two people no longer love each other, if one cannot continue then the proper thing to do is split up and leave. Finding someone else to use as a prop to get out of the marriage has devastating effects. It leads to horrible recriminations and those who suffer most are the children, if there are any. Children of any age suffer.

The reason why infidelity attracts so much bitterness and approbation is because of the deceit and lying involved, unlike when a marriage has hit the buffers because of boredom. This seems blindingly obvious to me.

I would also add that people often pretend that their long marriages ended because of boredom, but this is often a public ruse to prevent others (and often one of the spouses) from knowing that there really was someone waiting in the wings, after all.

I don't see why someone waiting in the wings is such a bad thing.

Two differing scenarios: firstly, a man who falls in love outside the marriage. He maintains his marriage under false pretences while continuing the affair.

This is really rubbish, totally unfair and wrong.

Secondly, a man who falls in love outside the marriage. He speaks to his wife, they agree to split up. He may or may not have begun a relationship with the other woman by this stage but it is in its early stages and he puts a limit on it until he has done the right thing, ie been upfront and left his wife.

People do change; they should be allowed to leave. But lying to someone on an ongoing basis is terrible.

Interesting research from the States on people 45yrs old+ from the AARP Sexuality Survey.

42 women were asked what effect a partner's adultery had on their relationship. 1 in 4 said it had no long term effect at all. 1 in 10 said it had improved their relationship. 1 in 4 felt it had caused long term disaster or the end of their relationship. It's a smallish number of women, but it shows quite a wide variety of responses.

The response of (paraphrased) "all women must be devastated and it will wreck all marriages" that one sometimes reads from some people seems at odds with some of the realities.

Personally, I believe in monogamy, and accept that many affairs cause huge harm... but the statistics and research fascinate me.

So amberlight re your stats could one also remark:

3 in 4 said it had a long term effect
9 in 10 said it hadn't improved their relationship
3 in 4 felt it had caused long term disaster or the end of their relationships

So the paraphrased 'all women must be devastated and it will wreck marriages isn't at odds with reality.

Flightattendant:

re your second scenario: Em... what's the difference?

He speaks to his wife and tells her he's met someone else. She has no idea, the whole thing is a total shock to her and has no option but to agree to split up as he's told her he's leaving her.

And this is good?