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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

can i start a thread for us mistress's??

168 replies

meandmrsjones · 02/10/2010 16:30

how many on mumsnet are there?
ive noticed with good reason that they are very badly thought of on here - just from the threads i have read
im not what you call i full mistress as of yet we are yet to sleep togther - neither of us are single and we both have kids and responsibilities so not not wish to upset our partners but we feel so drawn to each other,he is all i can think about
would just like to her others experiences and if it ever worked out for the best ?

go ahead and flame

OP posts:
Hardandsleazy · 02/10/2010 16:53

I read not slept with him but you are still acting in a way that is going to hurt your partner (and I doubt he would care/believe you not sleeping with him).

Yes I know of two couples who met this way(although one didn't get together until after splitting up but it was extremely painful as I know woman involved had therapy for dealing with it). Other couple are together but at cost of dreadful fall out particularly for kids.

FiaGrace · 02/10/2010 16:53

Okay, so I DID read what you wrote and you certainly did not ask the same question.

I'm not sure that I care that you haven't slept with him, you describe yourself as a mistress.

A mistress is not simply a female friend by using the word mistress, you've automatically implied that you have an agenda ~ you want more than friends. Neither of you wishes to upset your dps, if you were not thinking of taking things further then this would not be an issue.

Hardandsleazy · 02/10/2010 16:54

And ditto what space for three says about second couple in my example

quiddity · 02/10/2010 16:55

"...us mistresses," actually, it's after a preposition (for).

FiaGrace · 02/10/2010 16:55

Why not leave your dp? I don't subscribe to the school of thought that says it's always better to remain together for the sake of the dc.

kittywise · 02/10/2010 16:55

Interesting OP. You want to start a thread for mistresses? So what would you like to discuss? I am genuinely interested BTW.

BaggyAgy · 02/10/2010 16:56

As a cheated on Wife I would dearly love to know how what makes the OW tick. Please don't flame her, rather let her speak out. Tell us how the man behaves. Does he mention his wife? Is he critical of his Wife? Does he appear guilty? What excuses does he use to his Wife? How does he respond if you threaten to inform his Wife about the affair? What does he appear to get from his relationship with you, apart from sex? Is it just sex? Tell us why you attach to a married man. What do you expect from the relationship? Do you despise the Wife or feel guilty?....

Tell all....

FiaGrace · 02/10/2010 16:58

Baggy I agree with you, I'm just not sure I have the patience to sit through the bullsh*t. My blood is already begining to boil..

maandpa · 02/10/2010 16:58

There is a psychological process called "fake it to make it". I've been a psychiatric nurse for 15 years. This process really does work.

amberleaf · 02/10/2010 16:58

Good post BaggyAgy

Bast · 02/10/2010 16:59

Leave him with some dignity and respect.

Have some time and space to work out why you are so scared of being alone - I presume you are because you say you have no feeling for your OH but obviously haven't had the spine to leave ...until another option appeared that is.

Original poster
meandmrsjones · 02/10/2010 17:01

what do you mean maandpa that if i fake my relationship with dh then it will make our marriage last - i really cannot see how that can work

OP posts:
TechLovingDad · 02/10/2010 17:02

When my DW was much younger and single, she would often see married / attached older men.

She wasn't and isn't proud of it, but said it did give her a relationship (of sorts) on her own terms. She could decide when to see them, knowing they wouldn't be turning up at her place, ringing her when she didn't want etc. For her it was all about sex and perhaps having a laugh with someone, nothing more. She had no illusions about what she did, but did say that she knew these men had cheated before her and would again.

She has never cheated on a partner of her own, has been cheated on a lot. And at the time had a very low opinion of men, generally.

Not an excuse, but a slight insight into how a person in that situation's mind works.

ledkr · 02/10/2010 17:02

well get out then and tell him to do the same before you embark on a relationship. I can understand people falling in love and the urge that provokes but i like others watched my 4 children go through hell and still be affected to this day-one got into drugs but is ok now another gave up a place at the royal ballet school-please do not underestimate the damage this does to kids and handle it sensitively-inccidently as in most cases he fell apart after 3 weeks and begged me to take him back which of course i didnt and she now has to put up with him cheating on her left right and centre. She actually comes to me for support! I am now happily remarried btw and feel very sorry for her.

kittywise · 02/10/2010 17:03

If you r relationship is dead op then leave.

LadyintheRadiator · 02/10/2010 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GypsyMoth · 02/10/2010 17:05

op....your dc wil see through your attempt at faking happiness. they won't be fooled,and wont thank you for staying in an unhappy relationship....just for them.

so why are you still there?? financial implications??

Original poster
meandmrsjones · 02/10/2010 17:06

itsdead on my part but he still is very much in love with me - he knows i don't love him and this he thinks is the best thing for the kids to stay togther for their sakes

OP posts:
TechLovingDad · 02/10/2010 17:06

Cowardice, is why I suspect.

ItsGraceAgain · 02/10/2010 17:08

Deep breath. OP, what do you mean by feeling nothing for your husband? How long have you been off him? What's your family life like - don't your H or your kids know you don't like him?

ItsGraceAgain · 02/10/2010 17:09

Oh, you've just answered that. You ought to split from H, you know.

FiaGrace · 02/10/2010 17:09

So why not be proactive, Relate, or as previously said, leave! He may well think it's better for the kids but he doesn't know the full story does he? ie you're already sniffing round another man

TechLovingDad · 02/10/2010 17:10

The easy option is to stay and cross your fingers and hope you aren't discovered.

It's not the right option, though.

Portofino · 02/10/2010 17:11

So you choose. You either leave, or you stay and don't fuck around.

GypsyMoth · 02/10/2010 17:11

he wont be able to live like that for long.....knowing his wife doesnt feel anything for him.....