Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

why so many mums harbour jealousy and blank...

201 replies

bwhiskey · 01/10/2010 11:46

you during school run? my son is now seven, and not all, but so many of the mums just will not speak to me, and ive done no wrong and i am friendly and look normal enough.

this group are quite cliquish and gossipy, but it does hurt that they just blank me, and ive given up trying to make new friends - that clearly isnt what the school run is about, sadly.

my partner thinks its down to two things - one - they are just typical provincial women who dont want to take in 'outsiders' - and also that my son is very good looking and my partner thinks some mums are jealous. which if this is the case, that is just silly.

the other week, though, i do remember as my son fell of his bike coming out of school and hit his head against one of the mum's vans, all she could say was 'oh, hope he didnt dent my van' and drove off before i could reply or even register how offensive that remark was.

i recently threw a birthday party for my son and invited all his classmates. i was very pleased that nearly all turned up (many of them children of these mums). Saying that, though, on the day, they all sat there in this village hall clustered, stoney faced, and miserable, and at exactly 2 hours after the party started, even though the cake hadnt been brought out yet (we ran a bit behind given the games and prizes went on a bit, but the children didnt mind!), and 2 hours later, on the money, most of this group of this clique got up to go, simply because the party went on an extra ten minutes. though they were quite happy to wait for their loot bags, which i rushed to get them.

i was a bit racked off given i spent hours making this cake myself, and i spent 250 quid on the party, much of it was for loot bags and prizes and a pinata and the rest, and it was as if i'd shot one of their kids given a few - one man included - got outright angry that I dared to have a child's party go over the 2 hour 'limit' they are used to.

had anyone offered to help with the games or anything else, given it was only myself and partner doing the whole thing with 20 children? Not a soul.

Anyway, and i reckon because of this, one mum who used to speak to me daily has now stopped speaking to me. i did clock that her partner had taken her son to this party (she had to work), not her, and i did clock the fact he was also really angered that it went on ten - fifteen minutes longer than their expected 2 hour 'limit' as he made a point of muttering 'bl*dy something or other' at my back as he passed. ungrateful a*hole? you mite think...

its so incredibly stupid, and it makes me just wish i never bothered but then I dont want to kill the children's fun. - either that, or next year, write on the invite - children only, thanks. i mean, who wants that kind of misery around you? i know children's parties can be boring for the parents - i know, ive been to many, but i would never get up and leave when a party hadnt finished, unless i absolutely had to be somewhere - and they didnt.

also to this - the following week, a dad (who had not been at the party) approched me just to tell me that his son said that my son's party was the 'best ever.' also, one of his classmates said this as well. which was rewarding...

did any of the mums say anything? not ONE.

i decided not to bother with thank you cards...

anyone care to explain this without lecturing me with regard to the fact I 'broke' party protocol and went a bit over the two hours (no children complained!) ???

it would be so nice to be able to throw a children's party without p*ssing off or annoying or 'putting out' parents who bring their kids to these things purely out of duty and get no joy seeing their kids have fun. trust me, if you could have seen this group and their faces, you'd know what i mean...!

OP posts:
cuteboots · 01/10/2010 17:19

I had to add my comments here. I did the schoolrun for a bit and had a similar experience a few of the mums spoke to me but there was a definite group who really didnt want to speak and made it quite obvious. I then came across the ones that found out a bit of info i.e was I married did I work and then stopped talking to me as well.

Being honest Ive never been into coffee mornings and discussing other people so they arent really my type of people anyway . There are the odd couple who speak if they see me out with my son but Ive decided to keep a polite distance now.

ManiPedi · 01/10/2010 18:15

Are these "cliquey mums" really awful people though?

I know that in my group of friends, we would probably be so wrapped up in our own world that we might not necessarily notice that we had alienated someone Blush.

Perhaps a bit selfish and blinkered, but not intentional shunning of someone.

OP, it seems like perhaps you have over thought this?

And by doing something like not sending thank you cards, I don't think you will have done yourself any favours.

Portofino · 01/10/2010 18:41

Now fab thread and joking aside....I was thinking about this on the bus. On one hand, the OP had escaped DV (based on her limited number of other posts). This could have seriously knocked her confidence, made her overly sensitive and defensive. Though good on OP for getting away and rebuilding her life.

On the other hand, she said she was from California. Now I am not US bashing, but I have a very good friend from California. Now I had to grow to love her. She is very full on and it could be said "entitled". And very quick to judge others on their health attitudes/appearance, and to do lots of soul searching into other's motives. All the time. California is def the therapy capital of the world.

Now, like I say, I love her, but I can quite see that transported to small English town/village in her entirety, she might not go down at all well! Now OP said (in a previous post) that the Toddler group "hid" from her when she came to call. This must have been extremely hurtful, so no wonder she is very defensive about the subject.

Something obviously happened to cause this, though. Probably some small cultural difference in behaviour that she would never notice in a million years. It's a shame that she has probably run for the hills now and will never get to the bottom of what the problem is.

stillbumbling · 01/10/2010 18:56

The OP is American?

That explains everything ...

Mummiehunnie · 01/10/2010 19:10

Porto, wow u did ur homework and thought hard, ur post makes sence!

Portofino · 01/10/2010 19:13

Well hardly homework - I searched her previous posts of which there were very few.

Hullygully · 01/10/2010 19:20

One person's research is another person's stalking.

She doesn't sound very Californian...

PixieOnaLeaf · 01/10/2010 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Portofino · 01/10/2010 19:27

No stalking honest. I just copy pasted her name in the advance search box. She had about 6 posts. Some today and some AGES ago.

Portofino · 01/10/2010 19:29

Sometimes I check to see if someone has other stuff going on, or is just a loon. Does that count as stalking?

Hullygully · 01/10/2010 19:29

stalky stalky stalk stalk

Or do you love her?

OracleInaCoracle · 01/10/2010 19:30

porto, i do that too. esp if the poster is being a bit OTT

PixieOnaLeaf · 01/10/2010 19:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Portofino · 01/10/2010 19:32

Well you know, sometime people post really wanky posts, But you can have a quick look and sometimes someone has died, or they have a real shit time so laying into them is maybe not the best thing to do. And other times they are just serial attention seekers,....

Hullygully · 01/10/2010 19:32

You are all stalkers...

stropicana · 01/10/2010 19:35

Har hat on -Ekk. have to say I left a party with DD early last week because, well i had enough and the invite did not have a finishing time. Blush She is only a toddler though and obviously I had to be somewhere. Wink

StewieGriffinsMom · 01/10/2010 19:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

libelulle · 01/10/2010 20:39

Thanks everyone for the most amusing thread in ages :o But also -this is all v. interesting. OP is probably long gone, but I think if you expect people to reject you, it's all too easy to come across as miserable and unfriendly as a preemptive strike. I was at a university reunion the other day and it struck me how many really lovely people I'd never actually talked to while at uni because I'd assumed they were too cool to want to know me. I probably came across as, at best, shy and hard to talk to, and at worst, arrogant and cold.

It's only in recent years that I've realised that if you're forthcoming and friendly to everyone, then they tend to reciprocate. And also that if someone does blank you, they're probably just thinking about something else, and didn't even notice you. A personal slight is the least likely reason for being blanked - other peoples lives do not revolve around you. But if your default assumption if someone is not effusively friendly to you is that the person in question is a fat provincial bitch (how lovely!), then it's hardly surprising that people aren't beating a path to your door. Ultimately - some people are genuinely unfriendly, but if you start thinking that most people are, then yes, that says more about you than about them.

Phew, thus endeth the lesson.

muffint · 01/10/2010 20:53

But also, it's hard to smile at and acknowledge everyone you know (let alone the ones you don't) when you walk to and from school every day. Sometimes you're thinking about something else (or reliving an argument in your head - like I was today).

Portofino · 01/10/2010 20:57

I totally agree libelulle. I am an expat so have had to go out of my way to meet people. I have come across people in the past who initially seemed VERY unfriendly. Later on when we had reason to get chatting, I found them to be anything but. Usually shyness, or just being busy/distracted can give off bad vibes, when really those people are totally normal, and could just be having a bad day.

Going out with a big defensive view that everyone is a bitch is the LAST way to make friends. You have to go out there with the view that everyone is a potential friend, but being realistic that you won't hit it off with everyone. I have met some lovely people that I continue to see, some of them even MNetters .

It takes time. If you had told me even a year ago, that I would be going for coffee with dd's friends mothers (french speaking) on a Sunday morning and that I/she would be invited round, I would have been astounded. I have been in Belgium 4 years, and it took at least 2, and much effort, to build up a social life that didn't revolve around dh.

SixtyFootDoll · 01/10/2010 21:01

OP if you took your head out of your behind people might speak to you.

Portofino · 01/10/2010 21:22

I PMed the OP to say that we are lovely really and if she could come back and explain herself a bit better she might get a much difference response. So if she reappears, please don't be mean!

soverign21 · 01/10/2010 23:06

HERE
she's back if anyone wants to take a look

thumbwitch · 02/10/2010 00:34

Portofino - it's hard work, isn't it. I have been in australia for a year and it took over 6months to really start getting to know people - but I was lucky in that the cliquey group who were in the playgroup I first joined all disappeared over the Christmas break and went elsewhere, leaving a few diehards (all of whom I get on with) behind. We now have a lovely social atmosphere at our playgroup and all make an effort to talk to any newcomers - in fact, I even managed to recruit a new mum by chatting to her in the park one day!

It's no good expecting people to come and talk to you, you have to be prepared to make the effort yourself, time and again - if you get cold looks or straight rebuffs, then try other people instead. No point banging your head against a brick wall of course!

squashimodo · 02/10/2010 00:50

Well, I don't think anyone talks to me much either at the school gates, but I never realised until I read this. I have too much to be rushing off to, and don't have time for gossip.
Get involved in something else, and ignore them. Parties are always a nightmare, and agree about next time kids only.
I wonder actually, if anyone is trying to chat to me and I appear stand-offish because I always have to rush off....Hmm