That horrible Gut feeling...

[Ipom]

Long story short...

We were going to move to Aus as a family, he had a panic attack/midlife crisis and went on his own without telling me.

We are now trying to work through it. However...

I use FB and use my farm..I asked HIM if I could use his account to make another farm..he said yes.

Ok fair enough..today, I went on his account and found a message to one of the dad at the kids school to talk to him on Skype instead as I have acess to his FB account.

Well, someone isnt very cleaver as I caught a message in chat..starts off as bloke talk and pretend bloke bragging...then one sentace catches my eye.."what are the babes like out there? I only got the last half of that message you lucky fucker"

HE replies.."banging the arse of a chinese bird at the weekend"
"Dont you miss Ipom and the kids then?"
"Yeah I do actually"

I know feel as though I've been punched in the stomach..It could be taken as blokes just talking and acting like prats as they do but something is screaming at me..and I dont like it.

Am I going mad? Should I trust my instinct and end it now?

I know it's a difficult question but I cant think of what else to do?

It's not looking good is it?

No point asking the dad at the school as he wont say a word to me..I cant and dont want to hack into his skype account (although i am very curious now).

I have done the only thing I can for now and sent a text..Dont lie to me or give me excuses. Yes or no...have you been getting laid?

I feel sick.

Ipom - whatever you do is ultimately your decision and ultimately only you know which decision is most likely to end in regret. It's up to you and no one on here has the right to judge - they don't know you or him.

I will, however, try and give you the man's perspective, without knowing the full back story and truly without comprehending how someone could ever leave their kids in the way that appears to have happened.

• he is a long long way away from any responsibility. He is absolutely definitely sleeping with someone (although Aurynne - 'Banging the arse off someone' is more likely to just mean shagging, not generally used in a literal sense). He probably does not even think that this effects his relationship with you - ie you don't know, so you won't get hurt. He will put it to one side of his mind and not think about the consequences at all. In other words all the 'good things' you think are there may still be. BUT - he is definitely doing it. It is your decision whether you can live with that. And he will deny it, because it is almost impossible to prove it now.

• when you turn up in Oz it may be good, it may not. But the likelihood is that he will feel stressed by the reality of your presence again. If this really is 3rd marriage I am afraid track record is not good and should be faced up to.

• any bloke who still uses phrases like that at 46 believes he is still a teenager and irresistible. Whilst I admire the loyalty you are showing it is also deeply sad that there are some men who believe they have that entitlement and that some women are willing to put up with it.

• he probably believes he loves you - when he does think of you it will be to remember what he is missing - ie someone to look after him, cook etc. Hence he will be exceedingly nice over the phone, mail etc because it is easy to be so. Living together is different.

I could go on, but you get the gist. Personally I love Oz having lived there myself and would say go anyway, but just nowhere near this guy...

Good luck and stay safe whatever.

Ipom

Is this the guy who took off to Australia a few months ago and sold the car to fund his trip - and you had to look into going on benefits to support you and your DC?

What has he used to fund this 'little adventure'?

So he's abandoned you all and is living the life of a shagger...and its going to be a bed of roses when you all turn up to live there - I take it he has been arranging accommsdation and schooling, not to mention a job?

Wise up lady!

sorry accommodation

Ipom

Hope you are ok ths morning and got to speak to DH.

skidoodly Tue 28-Sep-10 20:05:11
Please, even if you must sacifice yourself on the altar of this cuntbag, have the decency to leave your children out of it.

Perfect place to use the word 'cuntbag'.

Ipom :( this is horrid for you an the children.

Much of what has been said here is a HUGE reality check isn't it and I figure after putting so much of your faith back into him, you will want to make sure you're not jumping to conclusions before making a 'final' decision. That's fine - you need to deal with all of this in your own time.

When I was about 16 I had a hugely unsuitable boyfriend and my parents were determined he wasn't right for me. the more they told me that, the more I made excuses for him to myself.

Eventually - after he'd behaved really badly in front of my family I agreed that I wouldn't see him for a month - my dad reasoned if it was in fact 'true love' it would stand a separation of 4 weeks. He was, of course right and very occasionally I wonder what happened to the boyfriend (who's name I can't even remember!)

I hope you are hearing what you need ot hear to make your decision.

FWIW I'd be demanding he came back on the first plane to sort this out face to face and I'd want to hear a very great deal about what HE panned to do to make things Ok, but we all have different needs in situations like this.

You said you have six months before you have to decide, I think it's wise of you to use that time to do just that.

Thinking ofyou

When we have an emotional investment in a relatonship it is amazing how adept we can become at self-deception. Voice of bitter experience speaking.

Hope, faith, loyalty, pride - all very commendable qualities - and all utterly misplaced in this sorry situation.

Thinking of you Ipom

"Is this the guy who took off to Australia a few months ago and sold the car to fund his trip - and you had to look into going on benefits to support you and your DC?"

Sorry Ipom but having read this I've just read up on the full details of the back story and all I can say is holy fucking shit Hasn't he put you through hell enough already?

Please do come back and talk to us though - regardless of any of our differing opinions, we only want what's best for you and DC. Thinking of you x

IPOM please come back to this thread and tell us how you are getting on, did you speak to him?

Its hard reading but but its also food for thought, please don't be put off posting especially if you are not telling anyone in RL the latest goings on

I am fascinated to know what on earth ipom can possibly be wanting to hear (from him) that might make this OK for her. She's been talking in terms of "let's wait and see" and letting him sort his head out etc...

Not sure how there can be any acceptable explanation for this. And although she purports that he has not lied to her in the past, she then says his own parents say he lies through his teeth all the time.

Delusional, I'm sorry to say. Please, ipom, try to see that you're better off rid.

it would appear so

although she hasn't given up on MN, she is knocking around other threads

Ipom...are you still here, love ?

Ipom Come back if you are lurking, have you spoke to him?
I hope you are alright, have you spoken to anyone in RL?