Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

That horrible Gut feeling...

138 replies

Ipom · 28/09/2010 16:17

Long story short...

We were going to move to Aus as a family, he had a panic attack/midlife crisis and went on his own without telling me.

We are now trying to work through it. However...

I use FB and use my farm..I asked HIM if I could use his account to make another farm..he said yes.

Ok fair enough..today, I went on his account and found a message to one of the dad at the kids school to talk to him on Skype instead as I have acess to his FB account.

Well, someone isnt very cleaver as I caught a message in chat..starts off as bloke talk and pretend bloke bragging...then one sentace catches my eye.."what are the babes like out there? I only got the last half of that message you lucky fucker"

HE replies.."banging the arse of a chinese bird at the weekend"
"Dont you miss Ipom and the kids then?"
"Yeah I do actually"

I know feel as though I've been punched in the stomach..It could be taken as blokes just talking and acting like prats as they do but something is screaming at me..and I dont like it.

Am I going mad? Should I trust my instinct and end it now?

I know it's a difficult question but I cant think of what else to do?

It's not looking good is it?

No point asking the dad at the school as he wont say a word to me..I cant and dont want to hack into his skype account (although i am very curious now).

I have done the only thing I can for now and sent a text..Dont lie to me or give me excuses. Yes or no...have you been getting laid?

I feel sick.

OP posts:
ItsGraceAgain · 28/09/2010 18:32

I remember your other thread. I admire your common sense & loyalty. This thread is making me feel it may be misplaced. I used to be uncomfortably tolerant of crassly sexist remarks like "banging the arse off a chinese bird at the weekend" but then, sadly, found out they tend to be followed by crassly sexist behaviour. It may, just about, have been the punchline of a joke but the preceding line doesn't sound as though it was. My point about the language is that anyone who, at 46yrs!, uses phrases like that to impress some tosser of a friend, is not above DOING things like that with the same excuse.

I hope the gym & dinner did you good, and I understand your urge to leave it be. I think it is a danger sign, though. Sorry :(

Original poster
Ipom · 28/09/2010 18:32

I'm fine Tippy - dont worry about me. I have got myself very nearly sorted out now - no matter what I decide as far as the relationship goes.

I'm not in a weak position and I'm not a weak person. I have got myself sorted out financially and got the house sorted out too already.

Tippy he's not the boasting kind when it comes to personal stuff (strangly enough, says it's his own stuff and sod all to do with anyone else)...but he doesnt half spout some shit out if the mood takes him.

There is a lot about him that I know which makes me think it's a load of tosh - but because of his actions (not counting the good things he's done since) I have doubt there.

OP posts:
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 28/09/2010 18:35

No I'm sure it doesn't. And everything is always more complicated than others can understand. But if you do have reason to suspect (or rather, no reason to be reassured) after you've spoken to him, it's not a failure on your part if you can't keep things together.

I say that cos of this really: "I have dealt with a lot over the last three months and I know I can deal with this too." I'm sure you can, but you shouldn't have to. If he's putting you in hard positions that you have to "deal with" over and over again - well that's not the action of a kind loving partner to my mind.

Original poster
Ipom · 28/09/2010 18:37

Gym is tomorrow morning.

I still see it as a danger sign and I'm not letting it rest until I am happy.

I know he is bloody well old enough to know better - even his mum can say that to you and his immaturity gets on her bloody wick (her words not mine).

I think that because I am clearly such a mess still from all this first lot happening I shouldnt be making any rash decisions just yet.

I've got another good 6 months yet before I have to make any life changing choices.

I'm going to find out about this last thing and then see what happens.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ipom · 28/09/2010 18:39

Elephant - thank you for understanding and I will keep in mind what you are saying. You are right in saying if I have no reason to be reassured...

Let's see what happens....

OP posts:
blinks · 28/09/2010 18:43

am staggered you're giving him another chance inthe first place. i remember the initial thread.

think you need to accept that he's MORE than capable of lying to you and protect yourself.

actions speak louder than words here.

Original poster
Ipom · 28/09/2010 18:49

You are right Blinks.

As you said actions DO speak louder than words - and I'll leave the actions to him to prove (or reassure me) that i've got the wrong end of the stick - if that doesnt happen..then it's over.

As for proving to me he regrets the last thing he did - he's paid $5000 to an agent for the visas (I have the receipt) and I have quotes for airlines, and shipping companies, access to his bank account over there and calling me everyday is about the best he can do for now. Not counting the texts, letters and other stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ipom · 28/09/2010 18:53

There will always be a little doubt in my mind, dont get me wrong...I havent forgiven him for what he did but I am willing to put it behind us if it is or seems to be worth it.

He is well aware I am taking a HUGE leap of faith with him if I do decide to take things further with him...until then, the only thing I CAN go on is his word, my common sense and judgement and any actions he takes to prove it.

Not easy.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/09/2010 18:54

You have already forgiven him.

I wish you all the best, Ipom xx

Original poster
Ipom · 28/09/2010 18:56

Not yet AF. Not yet.

I still want this last matter delt with and like I said I have at least 6 months before I can make a final decision.

I still have a long way to go.

OP posts:
PlumBumMum · 28/09/2010 19:01

oh Ipom have read the whole thread, and I agree with AF you have already forgiven him and thats fine, its your decision,

When you go to Austraila what support network have you got out there or will it be just you, him & dcs?
How are the dcs?

skidoodly · 28/09/2010 19:04

He abandoned his children.

He sleeps with other women.

He is sexist in the ugliest, most disrespectful way.

You know all these things about him and yet you are pretending not to.

Your children deserve more consideration in all this. Having your father fuck off to the other side of the world must be devastating. To grow up watching your mother treated like a fool having followed this prick to the other side of the world will lead to some pretty fucked up young people.

Open your eyes ffs

Original poster
Ipom · 28/09/2010 19:05

The initial action yes I kind of have forgiven him but there is still a lot of work that needs to be done.

As for this latest thing - I need to find out more first..

So it's not over yet.

Support network in Aus - I do have friends over there who have helped me through this so far so I'm not completly alone.

The kids are fine thanks - they had thier own chat with him and he sat and told them why he did it in a way they can kind of understand and they have been a lot happier. They still have thier moments but it's going to happen.

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 28/09/2010 19:06

What about the horrible gut feeling Ipom? Your gut never lies.

dittany · 28/09/2010 19:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CaptainNancy · 28/09/2010 19:08

What do his parents think of his behaviour?

IUsedToBeFab · 28/09/2010 19:08

Is he likely to have used a condom?

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 28/09/2010 19:08

:( dittany, you're not wrong though are you

Original poster
Ipom · 28/09/2010 19:10

Um Ski?

He has never cheated on me or anyone he has been out with (I did my research when all this blew up) and it's the one nice thing his family has said about him, ,that he IS faithful in that respect.

I have no reason not to believe that.

As for the abandonment - yes, that is basically what it is but I can promise you my kids will be fine whatever happens.

I can see why you are angry, with me and him..I feel the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ipom · 28/09/2010 19:12

Perfume - the gut feeling has gone and went when I went into his skype account.

OP posts:
dittany · 28/09/2010 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gay40 · 28/09/2010 19:14

Let's face it - he moved to Australia to get away from his family life. Sounds like a c**t to me.
Then, is fully prepared for his mrs to up sticks and join him later, all forgiving.

Not that I'm a gambling woman, but if you go over there, all will be revealed and you'll end up coming back with a deep sense of regret.
There is more to this sordid story than meets the eye, and I think he's very cruel putting the kids through a potential glitch in thir lives (because my money is on you being back here before Christmas with an appointment at the clap clinic).

Original poster
Ipom · 28/09/2010 19:14

If it turns out that all this is true I will make a decision then. And only then.

Until then there are too many if's and but's for me to think about making the right choice.

Captain Nancy - his parents are bloody fuming with him still.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ipom · 28/09/2010 19:16

lets just see ok?

There's a lot that needs to be delt with.

OP posts:
Gay40 · 28/09/2010 19:16

Handy hint: he will deny it. And he'll be lying.