That horrible Gut feeling...

[Ipom]

Long story short...

We were going to move to Aus as a family, he had a panic attack/midlife crisis and went on his own without telling me.

We are now trying to work through it. However...

I use FB and use my farm..I asked HIM if I could use his account to make another farm..he said yes.

Ok fair enough..today, I went on his account and found a message to one of the dad at the kids school to talk to him on Skype instead as I have acess to his FB account.

Well, someone isnt very cleaver as I caught a message in chat..starts off as bloke talk and pretend bloke bragging...then one sentace catches my eye.."what are the babes like out there? I only got the last half of that message you lucky fucker"

HE replies.."banging the arse of a chinese bird at the weekend"
"Dont you miss Ipom and the kids then?"
"Yeah I do actually"

I know feel as though I've been punched in the stomach..It could be taken as blokes just talking and acting like prats as they do but something is screaming at me..and I dont like it.

Am I going mad? Should I trust my instinct and end it now?

I know it's a difficult question but I cant think of what else to do?

It's not looking good is it?

No point asking the dad at the school as he wont say a word to me..I cant and dont want to hack into his skype account (although i am very curious now).

I have done the only thing I can for now and sent a text..Dont lie to me or give me excuses. Yes or no...have you been getting laid?

I feel sick.

I know it is hard to watch Dittany, but this is Ipom's "situation"

not mine, not yours, not anybody else's

it is going to play out some way, we all think we know how

the seeds of doubt have been planted now, whether she chooses to nurture them is up to her

Unfortunately it is not just Ipom's situation. It is also her children's situation.

She can keep saying they'll be fine, but it's as clear they won't be unless she cops on, as it is that she is utterly deluded.

sounds a right cock, whatever 'happened'. i wouldn't go.

Ipom's children are her own affair, unless they are being abused. That is not the situation here. Don't argue against that skid, you have no basis for any supposition about the welfare of her kids.

I must say Ipom you sound so strong in your posts
but tbh I really wouldn't be happy with my dh boasting about women like that, (its abit more than smutty sex talk in my book)wiether its down at the pub with a couple of drinks or big talk living it up while the cats away!

Do you have your other thread? would it be good to read the beginning of it again and see how hurt yo and your dcs were?

so basically, everyone is in agreement, ipom.

have you been in bad relationships before? is that why you feel this behaviour isn't an enormous red flag?

I'm not the only poster to this thread to raise concerns about her children's welfare.

All of this is Ipom's affair. She posted looking for comment, and the harm this lunacy is doing her children is part of this problem.

The idea that a woman can put her children through any kind of damaging shite in pursuit of her romantic life, and that nobody should comment unless they are abused is pernicious bollocks.

Ipom can delude herself forever more (and I'm sure she will)and stick with this man for as long as he'll lack the backbone to end it, but she is being utterly unfair to her children in allowing this man (who ran to the other side of the world to get away from them) to throw their lives into chaos. Making a decision that will no doubt lead to more shit and uncertainty for them.

Ipom doesn't just have the role of victim here. She is making CHOICES. Choices that make her feel better, their father is without a doubt looking after number one...so kind of leaves the kids adrift, doesn't it.

Ipom, the way you talk about your kids and how they're just about dealing with what's happened is so so sad. You're so unwilling to admit whats really going on here, with him, with your marriage, with the effect on your kids - but you know it, thats clear. So frustrating

Have never clapped my hand to my mouth while reading MN until just now when I did (twice) upon reading that he'd abandoned you and your children and that he's now cheating on you to boot.

I don't buy his "panic attack/midlife crisis" line.
I suppose he wanted to switch from FB to Skype for perfectly innocent reasons too, right?

I don't see the "we" in "we are now trying to work through it".
If it had been my DP he would've had the choice of first plane home or divorce - if he was lucky.

He may have a million "good points" to outweight the bad but it's about quality, not quantity.
Someday, should you wish to, you can find someone who will treat you a million times better than than this man-child.

Sod his 6 months - start thinking about your timetable. You can do this alone.
If you can't stay here for yourself, FGS please do it for your kids :(

skid, next time I ever get accused of being harsh, I am going to point them in your direction

you make me look like Mother Fucking Theresa

I too expressed concern at her throwing her, and her children's, lot in with such a tosser (direct quote)

but to keep on saying it and when she doesn't appear to be listening or perhaps more accurately, doing as we say she should, to escalate the vitriolic language against her, is just plain mean

I agree with AF. Today hasn't changed anything for the dcs. They are still in the same position they were yesterday, which is that their mother is trying to work out whether she can rebuild a relationship with their father.

He buggered off. Him.

And now he's been having stupid immature conversations. Whether true or not is for ipom to decide.

She hasn't hurt them and wouldn't move halfway around the world unless she felt there was a chance.

Sorry for talking about you like you're not here ipom, but you're not doing anything wrong in hoping. Naive perhaps :) (and I'm as guilty of that as anyone) but not wrong. I won't have assumptions made about your parenting because of that nobber in australia!

Please don't let it put you off seeking support x

Ipom doesn't get to decide what's true. What a ridiculous thing to say.

Nearly as ridiculous as that children's security and happiness should come second to their mother's naïveté.

IPOM Sending you strength. xx

Skid, who the hell are you to decide what those dcs futures will be?! There's no possible way to know. I do not leap to the conclusion that ipom is somehow letting them down by trying to forge a relationship with their father. I'm assuming when she says she has her reasons and does not want to share them that the reasons are valid.

Ipom is in rather a better place to decide the truth than strangers across the web. Perhaps it was a bad turn of phrase but I think you're being Unnecessarily literal.

Ipom - do you want to know what is happening over in Aus? If you do... private detectives cost a lot less than a family plane ticket to Aus.

You OH is on a gap holiday from reality and with his family thousands of miles away will most likely be doing nothing to cover his tracks and be discreet. You can find out the truth anytime you like. And as they say knowledge is power - once you get an idea how he's spending his time over there you can start deciding what's best for you and your children.

Good Luck

Ipom you clearly very much want to believe that he is not being unfaithful so lets work on the basis that he hasn't cheated (and I am sorry but I don't believe for a second that is true)

He told someone else - someone that you see regularly - that he was baging someone else. That is so hideously inappropriate it's untrue.

He is rude and disrespectful and has no problem with people thinking that he is cheating on you. Revolting and in some ways more humiliating than if he actually was

As some other poster said, prostitution is legal in Australia, and there are lots of oriental young women paying for their university fees this way. As a male poster said, his statement "banging the arse of a Chinese chick" (jeez, it is so disgusting that I am wincing just by having to write it) is too specific to be made up. He is literally telling you he went to a Chinese prostitute and had anal sex with her. Literally. Chinese women who are not selling themselves are not that liberal.

I am going to tell a story very similar to yours. Once I had a British partner I traveled to New Zealand with. He got cold feet and was about to leave me at the airport, even though it had been his decision to come with me. He finally came with me, but a month later he went back to the UK in a rush without telling me if or when he was coming back. Eventually he came back to NZ, and a month later he got "depressed" and left again to the UK. Three months later he said he could not live without me and came back to New Zealand. Shortly after I found out he had an STD. The cheek of him, his reaction was telling me that "he must have caught it from me, as I had had more sexual experience than him, and this particular STD could come up years after contagion". Funnily enough, I had never had an STD. But it never mattered to him, I could have had it and "not show it". Want to laugh a bit more? I actually believed that could be true.

Of course that was all bollocks. He had been sleeping around. I finally gathered my courage and told him to f*ck off. I was incredibly lucky I did not catch his STD.

I am telling you this because I understand why you are willing to give him another chance. I did too back then. Everyone else was telling me he was a twat, and I was blind. No matter what people tell you, you won't be ready to leave him until your own eyes open and you can see the obvious. Because believe me, what he is doing to you is SO obvious to everyone else, that when you finally leave him, you will be embarrassed to think back to today.

But you have to get there yourself. As I did. So whatever happens, I wish you the best.

I'm tempted to tell what it's like moving to another country thousands of miles away as a child. From personal experience (although in our case we moved to the UK). But I really don't think that's going to do any good sadly.

ipom I wish you all the luck and strength in the world. Please just bear in mind that adjusting to life in a foreign country is HARD. It really is. If you're having to deal with this crap as well it will be unbearable

Ipom, we have all, to a woman, and a man told you that your DH has betrayed you. At least emotionally, and very likely physically.

YOU yourself know this, you are just hanging on to the fantasy of hope that he will turn out to be OK in the end.

OK so I'm going to be blunt here, I apologise.

What the FUCK happened to you to value yourself so poorly?

Isn't Anger ALONE at the fact he pissed off literally as far as he could go without passing Cape fucking Canaveral without telling you, leaving you literally up shit creek without a paddle ENOUGH?

Now you have a gut feeling he's shagging some Chinese woman... at best.. At worst he's paying for it...

You have a feeling, only because you have seen with your own eyes that he has told someone you know and that knows you? Is THAT not enough humiliation heaped upon you by this 'person' for you never to talk to them again?

OK OK so you are sticking your head into the sand.

STAND UP FOR YOURSELF at the very least. Tell him you heard about the chinese woman, and that is the final straw.

Are you so in awe of the idea of going to OZ that you are prepared to put up with anything.

Honey, that way sure madness lies. Take it from me. The sunshine will not fix this.

He left you, he walked out on his DC, he very likely is shagging for England, AND he doesn't even have the decency to keep his dirty linen out of your circle of friends.

I apologise again,

BUT WTF ARE YOU STILL DOING WITH HIM, This whole situation will put you into an institution. That is a threat, a real threat to your life.

Sometimes there are threads on here about seriously abused women, who aren't ready, strong enough or have found the courage or the trigger to draw the line and call time on their abusive partner. There are a million threads with friends of women that ask, How can I help her.

Well how can we help you?

Are you ready to take control of your life, or do you still want an immature 47 yo abandoning, feckless manchild to call the shots?

If you are not ready, then all we can do is tell you what we think and wait until you are ready to make your move and accept our love, our help, our compassion, our understanding and perhaps even real practical help.

Until then, until that day, everyone on here will be holding their breaths and waiting for you to make the right choice, the ONLY choice you can make for the well being of your family.

Ipom, we will always be here for you. Never ever forget that?

Sorry to be blunt but what on earth makes you believe that this man is living a celibate life? Why would he?

Aurynne, your post really triggered me! It recalled an episode I had entirely forgotten from my student days. Me & him shared a house with another couple, we were all friends. The other girl got symptoms, she had chlamydia, other boy & she got treatment. A month or so later, I got symptoms - I sent DP to the clinic as well; we both had chlamydia. For some reason, I believed you could catch it by sharing a flat (I must have asked the clinician; they must have said "well, you can catch it from a loo seat ...") Meanwhile, the other couple were off sex for yet another month, as they were reinfected.

Through the whole time, I assumed this was down to poor bathroom hygiene - although we were bleaching every surface in sight! With hindsight & common sense it seems clear that DP was shagging best friend, hence continual re-infection. I can't ask her, as she suicided :( :(

I think I'm trying to make the point that a person can pull off spectacular feats of self-deception, should the emotional need be great enough. I think you were, too. A very important lesson, which can be drawn from 'faceless posters on a forum' if you'll allow it ... Shit happens, and you can walk to the sunny side. All it takes is an open mind and a bit of courage.

IPOM, he left you.

He wanted to leave his life behind so much that instead of kipping on a mates's sofa, he took a plane to the other side of the world.
He is having sex with other women.
If you sent him a text saying "If you want to stay with me, come home now" what would he do?
He's a gutless wonder who doesn't have the courage to call time on your relationship.
He wants you to be the one to end it and is giving you every possible reason to do so.

Hi Ipom,

I'm really sorry for the awful situation you find yourself in :(

You said that you have your own reasons for staying in this relationship, and without trying to guess what they are, I guess the following probably apply too:

1. You get to stay with the man you love
2. You get to move to Australia
3. You don't have to deal with a divorce, or become a single mum.
4. Your DCs get to stay with their Dad.

I can understand how these things can be very appealing. You must have had a very emotional few months, and want a way out of it without having to deal with the heartache of a break-up. In the face of all this, I imagine it must be very tempting to write off a little virtual chat between two silly men.

However love, my concern is that through all of this, you are not seeing the wood for the trees. I know you probably think that all of us posting on here don't know the good side of your DH, and don't really understand your situation, and therefore, can't really advise you. But knowing, as we all do, that in a relationship, the good should always outweigh the bad, how good would a man have to be to get away with what your DH has got away with so far?

As nancydrewrocked points out, even if he was lying about the other woman, he was giving someone you know the impression he is cheating on you. That's so disrespectful it's untrue! What kind of man wants other men to know what a philanderer he is? Not a 46 yo worth moving over the seas for....

You said that you were reassured by the fact that he had not been discussing this further on skype. I am loathe to burst your security bubble love, but is that not just because they didn't get round to adding each other on there, or because the other guy hasn't had time to set up an account? Was the reassurance you felt really just relief at not having to read more horrible stuff? It concerned me that at that point, you seemed to calm down, and you started talking in terms of your DH not having any more chances after this. Sweetheart, this should be the straw that totally destroys the poor camel's back.

I know that you need to really feel it for yourself before you know you are truly better off without him. Sooner or later (I hope) it will click, and you will realise how much more you deserve from a man. Someone who respects you as well as loves you, someone who is there for you always, and someone who would die before they gave anyone the impression that they would be untrue to you, let alone actually be untrue to you! I just hope that you see the light before you move your family to the other side of the world.

Always remember there is support for you here, and be kind to yourself :)

Ipom, I think you'd go even if there were more evidence. I can't think of anything he wqould have to do to stop you fucking up your life for this man. FRom his mouth the words 'banging a Chinese girl's arse'........FROM HIS MOUTH.