brothers wedding husband not invited

[speechagent]

My brother is having a civil partnership ceremony next week with his partner.
My husband is not invited but I and my 3 children are.
The reason for this is that 8 years age one Christmas my husband was very drunk. It was very late at night and he wanted a cigarrete. He knew my brother had some but brother would not let him have one. This threw him into a drunken rage and he spouted venom about 'dirty gays' etc. Very insulting language, I was very embarrassed and my H slept in the car. My H did give big apology by phone and we did all meet up a couple of days later for Sunday lunch in the pub. However things have been a little frosty since. We have seen my brother a few times since (once or twice a year- we live some distance apart) although his partner never comes.
Initially I was not surprised that H was not invited and I told my brother I would attend (I do want to show him my support). However as time has gone on and it is now very close it all feels wrong and I don't want to go. I feel that it will cause damage to my relationship with my H. He says I can go but I know he is upset that he is not invited. He feels he has put effort in over recent years to his relationship with my brother and of course he knows he is not homophobic. I think my brother is labelling him as a homophobe. Because of the rude thid he said I can see why but I also know that H is not a homophobe it is just that he can be very unpleasant when he is exstrenmely drunk and will say the most outrageous things that he does not mean.
Also I feel very uncomfortable because people at the reception will be asking me where H is, why he is not there, and I will not be able to lie, I will have to say he has not been invited, I'm sure this will make both myself and my brother feel uncomfortable. And what are my children meant to say when they are asked where their father is?
I feel I can not go now. I feel I will be doing some (how much I don't know) damage to my relationship with H if I go when he has been NOT INVITED, we are a family amd my relationship with him is more important to me than that with my brother and I don't want to damage it in any way. My relationship with my brother is not as strong but I don't want to upsethim. Do I just tell him (He has booked us a hotel room and will be able to get refund) but he may be upset when I tell him I can't go because H is not invited - this worries me because my dad and his brother fell out and have not spoken for 40 years) or do I phone at the very last minute with a reason I can't go e.g. illness.
HELP

Apologies for not having read page 2 of your thread. I'm sorry for DH's illness and wish you all well. I'm sorry to hear you're so upset about the wedding, too - but am not really seeing why you don't just go without him?

If anybody's rude enough to ask, I would either lie & say he's at work / the clinic / a family funeral - or tell the truth & say DH put his foot in his mouth with DB a while back, and things have been frosty between them ever since. You will not die from going to a wedding without your H! Have a good time, your brother & his H will appreciate it :)

I am sorry to hear about your husbands illness.

Still, it does not change my view on the situation. Other than, it makes it even more important for you and the children to not have any other family rifts, as they are time consuming and draining. Because I think there will be a rift if you are seen to shun the wedding. It would seem that you condone your husbands views, and that is why you stay away.

I was talking to my husband about his grandfather the other day. Not that this is relevant, but we concluded that people are rarely remembered for all the good things they do or have done, sadly what stick in peoples mind is their wrong-doing, usually.

Take your children, celebrate your brother and his partner. And know that you have done right by your brother, and right by your family.

Does your dh really want you to cause a feud in your family, by standing by him and his bigoted views? If he really feels bad about what he said, he would realize he has no place at that wedding, and he would realize you should go, because it would be the best step towards putting this behind you all, rather than widening the issue.

You may see a need to talk about this with your brother, but I am not so sure your brother would want to have this discussion, so I can quite see why it best be left unsaid. You need to respect that. What could you, or your dh possibly say that would make it any better? Your brother must have been SO embarrased and humiliated. Why would he put himself through the fresh humiliation and talk about it?

Your husbands illness has nothng to do with this situation imo.

Yes, it does sound a bit like you're trying to talk your way out of it and looking for someone to give you a reason to do it. And please don't shout at me, it wasn't an unreasonable question IMO.

Your husband's illness is irrelevant to this situation.

He make a very blatent homophobic remark and I can totally understand why your brother doesn't want anyone who talks that way to attend a celebration centred on a gay relationship and at which there will likely be many other gay people.

This is one day and a very specific situation. You should go with your kids and your DH needs to accept that he was wrong and this is the consequence. How your family relationships work out longer-term is a different issue.

Yes, OP, if you're still here ... Either:

1. You're looking for an excuse not to go
2. You want to force your brother to like someone he doesn't like
3. You can't tell the difference between a day out with your family and a divorce
4. Your husband is abusive and won't let you go.

Which is it?

If it was my wedding, I wouldn't want to be looking over my shoulder all day to make sure that my BIL wasn't going to harrass either me or my guests. An unfortunate situation for everyone involved, but you really do have to be there.

The illness doesn't have anything to do with it.

Your brother is trying to ensure a pleasent say is had for all, by removing someone from the guestlist who has displayed unforgiveable (yes - unforgiveable) behaviour whilst drunk a few years ago.

It needn't be the cause of a row, or you boycotting the ceremony - go and support your brother, smile and say your husband was unable to come, and have a great day with your kids.

Just accept that your husband placed you in this situation, and it's only sensible that he wouldn't be invited. I'd be surprised if your H did get an invite in this case, purely because it's not just your brother's feelings at play here, he's having to think about the feelings of other guests, the chance of another outburst, his partner etc.

Go and have a great day!

I have to say I think the term 'unforgiveable' is used a bit too easily. Personally I think almost anything other than murder or child abuse is forgiveable if the purpertrator then spends years living a blameless life and is truly sorry for their actions!

If using homophobic language is unforgiveable, despite being sorry and never repeating the behaviour, then surely everybody who has ever committed a crime and has ended up in prison should never be let out.

IMO, deciding to never forgive once too often can turn somebody very bitter.

Pixie, we all have different thresholds for forgiveness. Yours is obviously quite low in comparison to my own. Different strokes for different folks, but the fact remains that the OP's H said/did something horrible, and it is sensible to decline to send him an invite - if only for the fact that this behaviour comes out when drunk, which is a huge risk at the celebrations. It's quite shocking to me that someone would try and insinuate that the brother is being unreasonable and harsh re: forgiveness tbh. I wouldn't forgive in this case - I've seen a sibling struggle to gain respect about their lifestyle choice, and anyone who gives abuse on that does so at their own peril. OP's H crossed the line; it's reasonable for the brother to NEVER forgive that, IMHO.

Why on earth can't you go on your own?

If married women have to ditch their families to pander to their husbands thank God I'm not married. It's a bit sickly TBH.

frgr fair point, and I am not saying I would always find it easy to forgive. I have just seen a lot of heartache with some of my own relatives, due to people not being prepared to forgive things that have been said amidst family arguments. It can then eventually turn into entire families losing contact with each other, which is always really sad.

The problem with deciding never to forgive somebody in this situation is that it's not only the offending person who is hurt by it, in this case its also his wife, and eventually the OP's brother too - because he could end up losing contact with his sister and her children, if she doesn't want to have to choose between the father of her children and her brother.

I'm not saying its the case here, but in my experience not forgiving somebody can often have more to do with wanting to have the upper hand than genuinely not 'being able' to forgive.

But as I said before (for what it's worth), I can understand and would accept completely that OP's brother does not want to invite her H to the wedding, as it is such a big day for him. But I hope for their sakes in the future they can all try to get past what was said and at least be on speaking terms.

I am very sorry for your husbands illness but it doesn't change what i said.

It does sound like you are finding reasons not to go as well as reasons for your DH to be invited.

It is a gay wedding and your husband made homophobic remarks when drunk. It's very easy to see why your brother doesn't want him there. Whether he accepted the apology that your DH made or not.

There is a difference between not forgiving someone over What Happened About Aunty Mavis' Teaset, and not forgiving them for making a comment that strikes to the heart of who and what they are.

Actually I think your brother is being pretty nice inviting someone who has stayed married to someone who talked to him like that.

the brother doesn't have to forgive him - but he should invite him to the ceremony, and the two of them can agree to be civil to one another.

surely everyone has invited family members whom they don't really like to their wedding? it's just part of life. the alternative is family feuds.

motherinferior are you seriously saying the OP should have divorced him? Then her children could grow up without a father and years down the line she could explain to them that it was because once, years ago, he got drunk and made a nasy homophobic remark. He apologised and never did anything like that again, but hey it was worth it

PS - should read 'nasty' obviously

Well actually, if my partner made a remark like that to my lesbian sister I would be questioning why I was with him - but no, I'm not saying she should have divorced him; I'm saying that her brother could very easily have left them all off his invite list.

stubborn hubby, this is a bit more than him not liking the DH. the DH made a personal attack on him and the person he loves. this isn't a case of tolerating the gobby aunt for the day. this was personal thing and i know i couldn't enjoy my wedding day id someone who had attacked me like that was there.

Why would your husband care that he isn´t invited?

He has made his feelings quite clear.

I would go without him.

I invited relatives I didn't like to my wedding and was civil to them. We didn't invite a known racist relative of DHs in case he went off on a racist rant and spoiled our day. If you are going to be a vocal biggot then you must accept that you may be excluded from things occasionally.

OP - sorry to hear that your DH is so ill, and i can see how that makes you feel loyal and protective over your family.

However, I think that makes it even more important to go to your B's ceremony, to let your B know that you support him and his happiness - because it seems to me that you would be better off with more bridges, not burnt bridges.

Get DH to send a card, and just go, with the kids.

I agree with the posters who say that you absolutely should go. He is your brother and if I were him I would not want anyone at my wedding who deep down thinks I'm dirty (and I also believe in the vino veritas stuff). Go with your children and stay for the entire day. Celebrate his union.

Don't, fgs, go and leave after the ceremony - that is tantamount to blaming him for your husband's vile behaviour.

I understand that your husband's illness is making you feel more protective of him than usual but I can't see why he would object to you going. And it will be easier for you to make up an excuse as to why he's not there than it will for your brother to explain why his sister's not there

could you have an honest chat with your bro and tell him how you feel about it - lay all your cards on the table? You could ask if he could find his way to see this occiasion as a new beginning for his relationship with your HD (although I know they will never be best mates).

I honeslty think you'll do irrevocable damage to your relationship with your bro if you don't go and a 'being sick' on the day excuse will be seen through by him. It must feel kike choosing between DH and bro but why should your bro lose out? - after all it's not him whose caused fault in this situation (although I do think he should have invited your DH to be honest for your sake).

I know if my bro didn't come to my wedding I would have been gutted - something you can never go back on.