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Original poster

brothers wedding husband not invited

131 replies

speechagent · 27/09/2010 10:49

My brother is having a civil partnership ceremony next week with his partner.
My husband is not invited but I and my 3 children are.
The reason for this is that 8 years age one Christmas my husband was very drunk. It was very late at night and he wanted a cigarrete. He knew my brother had some but brother would not let him have one. This threw him into a drunken rage and he spouted venom about 'dirty gays' etc. Very insulting language, I was very embarrassed and my H slept in the car. My H did give big apology by phone and we did all meet up a couple of days later for Sunday lunch in the pub. However things have been a little frosty since. We have seen my brother a few times since (once or twice a year- we live some distance apart) although his partner never comes.
Initially I was not surprised that H was not invited and I told my brother I would attend (I do want to show him my support). However as time has gone on and it is now very close it all feels wrong and I don't want to go. I feel that it will cause damage to my relationship with my H. He says I can go but I know he is upset that he is not invited. He feels he has put effort in over recent years to his relationship with my brother and of course he knows he is not homophobic. I think my brother is labelling him as a homophobe. Because of the rude thid he said I can see why but I also know that H is not a homophobe it is just that he can be very unpleasant when he is exstrenmely drunk and will say the most outrageous things that he does not mean.
Also I feel very uncomfortable because people at the reception will be asking me where H is, why he is not there, and I will not be able to lie, I will have to say he has not been invited, I'm sure this will make both myself and my brother feel uncomfortable. And what are my children meant to say when they are asked where their father is?
I feel I can not go now. I feel I will be doing some (how much I don't know) damage to my relationship with H if I go when he has been NOT INVITED, we are a family amd my relationship with him is more important to me than that with my brother and I don't want to damage it in any way. My relationship with my brother is not as strong but I don't want to upsethim. Do I just tell him (He has booked us a hotel room and will be able to get refund) but he may be upset when I tell him I can't go because H is not invited - this worries me because my dad and his brother fell out and have not spoken for 40 years) or do I phone at the very last minute with a reason I can't go e.g. illness.
HELP

OP posts:

DinahRod · 27/09/2010 11:42

Your brother clearly still resents dh 8 years later and does not want dh there to mar his day. Dh, might have offered him a big apology but unless he's had a road to Damascus conversion and been on Gay Pride marches, your brother still thinks he's a closet homophobe. Otoh, your brother is also making a point, and punishing you too perhaps, since this is quite a public snub and presumably your childrenn would want to know why dh was not going. TBH, I'd be cross with both of them.

I'm sure someone could come up with a more harmonious solution, but maybe only you should attend as representative of your family. The family could then write a very warm message of congratulation which dh personally signs. I did think of the family (dh and the dcs) sending a warm message of congratulation to be read out in the speeches, if it's a formal event, but maybe too pointed?

lifeinagoldfishbowl · 27/09/2010 11:43

Speech agent I know you've said you are going to cancel because you want to stand by your dh but reading this have you had a change of heart - come back and talk it through .

QuintessentialShadows · 27/09/2010 11:44

She cant possibly want to stand by a homophobic stance when her brother is gay. It would be the mother of tactlessness, surely?

taintedpaint · 27/09/2010 11:51

I keep coming back and re-reading this.

You say your DH doesn't mind you attending (how big of him ), but you're still worried. Is there an undertone of him punishing you for attending without him? I'm failing to see the damage to the relationship otherwise.

How long were you married for when he said what he did? It's possible your DB is upset as he thinks these are long hidden views (which they do sound like tbh) that had just gone unspoken for a long time. IMO your DB has been extremely gracious to even entertain the idea of contact with your DH. But having him at the wedding with all that alcohol....

As a slight aside, I've always wondered why some people are less disgusted by homophobia than they are by other bigotry. It's baffling.

Original poster

speechagent · 27/09/2010 11:57

Thanks for replies
I am completely aware of why my brother has not invited my H.

"It would be wrong of you not to go, as it would tell your brother you are as big a homophobe as your dh"
I have known that my brother is gay since he was a teenager (although it took him to the age of 35 to tell me)and he knows that I am not homophobic. However we are a family who never talks to each other about anything that's why nothings ever gets resolved or moves forwards. He didn't tell me DH wasn't invited I had to ask him. I can't talk straight to him and he can't talk straight to me. I can't even think straight about it. WE barely have anything to do with each other and when we do meet (e.g. if I go to his house with the kids and even if it is just me and him (i.e. no othet halfs there) I don't know what to talk to him about, we are poles apart.
I need to make a decision but can't seem to think clearly about this

OP posts:

booyhoo · 27/09/2010 11:58

"You say your DH doesn't mind you attending (how big of him ), but you're still worried. Is there an undertone of him punishing you for attending without him? I'm failing to see the damage to the relationship otherwise."

i felt that too tainted, i don't know what sort of a man would have a problem with his wife attending her brother's wedding, and i don't know how he can have a problem with not being invited. he couldn't possibly have been expecting an invite after revealing his true feelings about the men that are getting married.

SanctiMoanyArse · 27/09/2010 11:59

I don't foor a second beleive people always state teh truth when drunk, neither do I think that teh fact that he clearly had homphobic thoughts ythen means he nevessarily is one now: people change, it's been several years.

but.

That only applies if it were a one off incident; you say he's basically an arse when very drunk. If so, why does he get very drunk? I've seen my DH very drunk maybe 4 times in over a decade. If he were a nasty drunk it would have been one time then never agin.

Likewise if I became an arse when drunk I would stop it.

I would attempt a chat with your brotehr if your DH would agree not to drink at all and see if that changed things but if dh won;t agree to that or brother still says no (his right) then I personally would amke my excuses because I don't think a wedding with 3 kids and no other adult to share load with sounds much fun, but if that's not an issue go anyway.

I ahve encountered similar in RL- a friend was bridesmaid to her best mate and then friend's fiance wasn't invited due to his history of being a bti of an arse- and the friend refused to be a bridesmaid after all and walked out on it all. The two friends ahven;t spoken in fifteen years as a result. Not worth it.

teenyanne · 27/09/2010 12:04

hmmm tricky.

I totally understand where your brother is coming from as I think it was truly a hideous thing that your husband did.

On the other hand, he is your husband, and I would be seriously pissed off if me and my dd were invited to a family wedding and my dh was excluded.

Although, if it was me, I would probably not be bringing your dc's with you - go on your own and if your brother asks, tell him that the whole family support him (including your dh) but you didn't want the dc's to be in the awkward position of having to explain where their dad is.

And fwiw, I'm in the people say allsorts of nonsense when they are drunk, often just to be controversial, even if they don't actually believe what they are saying (and often to family members they know exactly what to say to cause the most trouble / hurt when they are drunk).

expatinscotland · 27/09/2010 12:09

I'd go without him.

Because when you're an adult, if you know you get very unpleasant when you're extremely drunk you don't get extremely drunk, even if it means not drinking at all.

stubbornhubby · 27/09/2010 12:10

1 - write/speak to your brother exactly along the lines of your post here - which is very eloquent - and ask if there is any way that some kind of reconciliation / rapprochmnet / modus vivendi can be established, so that your husband can be invited.

2 - because if there is not, then you aren't going to be able to go to the wedding, and you all going to lose contact which will be v sad.

lalalonglegs · 27/09/2010 12:11

It was eight years ago - if there has not been any repetition of your husband's (admittedly appalling) behaviour, I think your brother is being a bit petty in not inviting him. However, it sounds as if it is his partner who is being the more intractable one as he seems to have made a point of not meeting any of you since that incident. Could you speak to him and give him any reassurances?

lucy101 · 27/09/2010 12:12

I don't think I would invite your DH either if I was your brother, not so much because of what he said but because he in your words can be an 'arse' when drunk. I think your DB and his partner would be very uncomfortable knowing that your DH could kick off if he gets drunk (and wedding seem to bring this out in people...) and say terrible things. Even if DH doesn't mean what he says he could totally spoil the whole day... which is your DB's day, not yours and your DH's. This is not the day to risk a major fall out (if DH behaves badly) and then everyone definitely never speaking ever again.

Your DH should gracefully step back, you should go and tell whatever white lie you need to about DH's absence work/illness/other family commitment etc.

There is no reason that your DH and DB can't still be cordial and friendly in the future if DH doesn't go... but that is up to your DH to continue being respectful and polite.

When you say you are worried that you will do irreversible damage to your marriage, it almost reads like your husband can be a bit of a bully (the way he behaved with your DB suggests the same). Do you think you need to stand up to him about this?

There was another thread on here recently where someone was saying they didn't want to invite a bullying parent to their wedding as they could get nasty and make a scene (in which case there would be a terrible rift in the family). I think nearly everyone posted that the couple shouldn't invite the relative....

DanceInTheDark · 27/09/2010 12:14

Tbh even if he had been in the invite i would be leaving him at home.

for being utterly vile
for being a knob over a cigarette
for attacking someone's sexual preference
because a lot of the guests are likely to be gay
for fear of him getting that drunk in front of the DCs
so i don't get embarrased by him being an arse
how many reasons do you need?

cestlavielife · 27/09/2010 12:17

how many times does this happen/has happened in the past few months?

"it is just that he can be very unpleasant when he is exstrenmely drunk and will say the most outrageous things that he does not mean."

would not want him at any wedding if there was a risk of such behaviour....

jem44 · 27/09/2010 12:19

Your husband made a bad mistake but the wedding celebrants are being petty since he has tried to make up for it. They must know how horrible this is for you and the children. Can you explain this to them?

People usually ask family to weddings, even though they know certain members hate them/disapprove of them / are racist/sexist/embarrassing drunks and so on. Seems part and parcel of life to me. I cannot see that this is dfferent. They don't need to forgive your husband to tolerate him there for a few hours

QuintessentialShadows · 27/09/2010 12:20

jem44. You cant be serious?

springlamb · 27/09/2010 12:23

I think I might tell brother that we would ALL like to be present at the ceremony but that we will ALL not be able to attend the reception afterwards so will not be partaking of the wine. The vows are the important thing. Under no circumstances, even if it has gone well, deviate. Get out quick and go off for a lovely meal. Both you and your brother are in lifelong commitments and by golly biting the lip and compromising and taking a chance on forgiveness and showing regret are a huge part of that.

Gretl · 27/09/2010 12:27

I don't have known racists in my life, by choice. In practice this means I seriously limit my time with my stepfather to the odd hello once every two years or so. No chance of him being invited to family events!

booyhoo · 27/09/2010 12:27

jem why should they tolerate a homophobe at their own wedding?? what he said attacked them in a n extremely hurtful and personal way. i couldn't forgive that ever. they would spend their entire wedding day with that in the back of their head and being reminded of a horrible verbal attack on them.

booyhoo · 27/09/2010 12:28

i also couldn't be in a relationship with anyone who thought like this.

buttonmoon78 · 27/09/2010 12:30

People do say things that they later regret when extremely drunk which they may nor may not mean. However, people who are truly sorry for their actions go out of their way to avoid making the same mistake again ie stopping after a couple of pints.

I would not go to a family wedding without my DH. We are a family unit and I expect us to be invited everywhere together. I say this with the background of having attended a really difficult family wedding (the circumstances of which are irrelevant) and it would have damaged our relationship if I had gone on my own.

I would suggest speaking to your DH - tell him that if he compromises and agrees to be the responsible adult (even if you are staying in a hotel on site, one of you ought to remain sober for the children) you will speak to your brother and ask him to compromise too. Otherwise I would gently explain that you feel unable to attend.

I know it's not easy, I've been there. And regardless of what many posters have said, it's not black and white.

jem44 · 27/09/2010 12:30

I think I am serious - I might not be right in my suggestion though. Am I being very insensitive to the OP's brother to think that family ties mean that civility can prevail for a day?

May be I am but I don't subscribe to an often expressed opinion that the wedding day is a day chiefly for the celebrants either and that they should do exactly what suits them. I believe a wedding has wider symbolism (I'm not religious btw, I mean in societal terms) and encompasses far more than the two people at the centre of it. It seems a shame for the whole family, that's all. The longest relationship most of us will ever have is with a sibling and I would do a lot to keep things sweet.

eeyore2 · 27/09/2010 12:31

Just a thought - the one person we haven't heard from here is your brother's partner. It could be that he is the one who really doesn't want your DH at the wedding. I am imagining a post from your brother's partner - AIBU? I am marrying my wonderful partner next weekend and so excited. The only problem is my dp's family. I just feel that they are not comfortable with our sexuality and on this day of all days I don't want to come face to face with people who are thinking nasty thoughts about us. My dp's sister is married to a guy that gets horribly drunk and has previously said some horrendously homophobic things. He did apologise but the sister has never really acknowledged how awful it was so I don't really feel comfortable with her either. In any case they are not that close so I can't justify why we should have this guy at our wedding. It's only a small wedding and I want all the people there to really feel warm towards us. I don't mind having the sister along but AIBU to refuse to have this guy there?

buttonmoon78 · 27/09/2010 12:32

What he said was actually no more personal or horrible than calling someone fat or ginger. Why is commenting on someone's sexuality, which is after as little about choice as being ginger, elevated to a capital offence?

I'm not trying to be inflammatory, simply wondering why some forms of abuse are worse than others.

DaisyDaresYOU · 27/09/2010 12:36

Racists don't change,i doubt people like ops dh do either.Think if its one of your kid's this happened to.would u b ok for them to be treated in such vile way?over a ciggy ffs.The fact is, he was angry and insulting.How does op know he wont explode again.

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