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Original poster

brothers wedding husband not invited

131 replies

speechagent · 27/09/2010 10:49

My brother is having a civil partnership ceremony next week with his partner.
My husband is not invited but I and my 3 children are.
The reason for this is that 8 years age one Christmas my husband was very drunk. It was very late at night and he wanted a cigarrete. He knew my brother had some but brother would not let him have one. This threw him into a drunken rage and he spouted venom about 'dirty gays' etc. Very insulting language, I was very embarrassed and my H slept in the car. My H did give big apology by phone and we did all meet up a couple of days later for Sunday lunch in the pub. However things have been a little frosty since. We have seen my brother a few times since (once or twice a year- we live some distance apart) although his partner never comes.
Initially I was not surprised that H was not invited and I told my brother I would attend (I do want to show him my support). However as time has gone on and it is now very close it all feels wrong and I don't want to go. I feel that it will cause damage to my relationship with my H. He says I can go but I know he is upset that he is not invited. He feels he has put effort in over recent years to his relationship with my brother and of course he knows he is not homophobic. I think my brother is labelling him as a homophobe. Because of the rude thid he said I can see why but I also know that H is not a homophobe it is just that he can be very unpleasant when he is exstrenmely drunk and will say the most outrageous things that he does not mean.
Also I feel very uncomfortable because people at the reception will be asking me where H is, why he is not there, and I will not be able to lie, I will have to say he has not been invited, I'm sure this will make both myself and my brother feel uncomfortable. And what are my children meant to say when they are asked where their father is?
I feel I can not go now. I feel I will be doing some (how much I don't know) damage to my relationship with H if I go when he has been NOT INVITED, we are a family amd my relationship with him is more important to me than that with my brother and I don't want to damage it in any way. My relationship with my brother is not as strong but I don't want to upsethim. Do I just tell him (He has booked us a hotel room and will be able to get refund) but he may be upset when I tell him I can't go because H is not invited - this worries me because my dad and his brother fell out and have not spoken for 40 years) or do I phone at the very last minute with a reason I can't go e.g. illness.
HELP

OP posts:

booyhoo · 27/09/2010 12:36

jem i think a marriage is about 2 people and if they chose to celebrate it with the people they love that is up to them. but OP's DH is not someone they love and nor do they feel he would be celebrating their union. he has shown in the past how he feels about gay relationships, so they know he wouldn't be happy for them which is why people go to weddings. they go to celebrate the union of 2 people that they love. OP's DH does not love either of these people and would not be celebrating with them. he would make them unconfortable. it is their right as the married couple to not invite him.

zazen · 27/09/2010 12:37

Go and bring your kids and enjoy your day out.

Your brother probably has had to put up with all kinds of prejudice in his life, for his entire life - why would he invite some known homophobe to his own wedding.

Just say DH couldn't make it, you don't have to go into the details - nobody will want to hear them anyway.

taintedpaint · 27/09/2010 12:37

This isn't an exclusion for petty reasons, they are entirely right to not want a homophobic person there. Why have that hanging over you on such a precious day?

DaisyDaresYOU · 27/09/2010 12:42

Saying sorry is very easy thing to say

paisleyleaf · 27/09/2010 12:50

Go without your DH.
What if he gets drunk and wants a cigarette?

jem44 · 27/09/2010 12:51

Boyhoo. Yes, of course it is their right. I just can't see that it makes anyone happy though, as even if the OP goes, her husband will be the elephant in the room - for everyone, celebrants included. And if she doesn't, the wider family suffers. Actually, the wider family suffers anyway if her husband is excluded.

taintedpaint · 27/09/2010 12:53

And who suffers if the OP's DH gets drunk? Sorry, but the guestlist is ultimately up to the happy couple. No question about that. I would think it makes them happy to not have a homophobe at their wedding, JMO though.

booyhoo · 27/09/2010 12:55

no he would be the elephant in the room if he was there. if he isn't there then only the OP will be unconfortable wih questions. nobody is going to ask the couple where OP's DH is are they? and it makes them happy to know they don't have a homophobe pretending to celebrate their marriage. the wider family doesn't suffer because he is excluded, how do you think that?

gingerkirsty · 27/09/2010 12:59

I definitely agree you should go without him. Haven't read whole thread so sorry if you have posted something else, but I really feel that the 'dirty gays' comment was absolutely dreadful and I'm sorry but deep down your DH does have a problem with your DB being gay.

I can't see how it would damage your relationship with your DH, provided that he can understand that he is not actually the wronged party in the first place. He should suck it up and stay at home, you should go and just say he couldn't make it. No reason for any embarrassment.

Like other posters, I imagine your DB is not willing to risk a re-run when presumably there will be other gay friends of theirs there, and after all it's his wedding day.

Sorry you are in an awkward situation but you and your DH both need to accept that what he said was actually bad enough to justify him not being invited on this particular occasion.

jem44 · 27/09/2010 13:00

Family rifts, exclusions etc are always painful, especially for older generations and this will have an impact on the children whose uncle and father we are discussing.

It is also inevitable that husband's absence will be noted by guests and gossiped about.

I think perhaps I am too old to be in this conversation so I will bow out! I do hope the occasion goes well and that the OP is able to attend the event without feeling torn in two.

buttonmoon78 · 27/09/2010 13:10

I agree with jem44 and will likewise bow out.

IMO it will be noticed. The only reason that DH wouldn't be able to make a wedding in my family is if he was in hospital. He would never let work etc get in the way.

I hope whatever decision you make OP that it's the right one for you.

Blu · 27/09/2010 13:11

Ask your DH to send them a 'happy civil partnership' card, telling your B how happy he is for him etc, and that he fully recants everything he said
Tell your B that you do understand that it must be difficult, but that you are confident that your DH is genuinely pemitent and has bucked up his ideas and changed his opinion over the last 8 years.

It was you DH who first put you in this position, and the ceremony must be so important to your B - if your DH gives out gip because he hasn't been invited then it is STILL him putting you in the difficult position. Everyone needs to act with generosity and good grace here, and hopefully your B would respond generously to a heartfelt good wishes fom your DH. But I doubt he will react favourably to pressure to include someone who called him 'dirty' which makes him out to be the bad guy for not inviting him.

It's his wedding, his day, this is your DH's chance.

taintedpaint · 27/09/2010 13:12

jem44, this won't have an impact on the children, they don't need to be told that their dad isn't invited because he's homophobic, they can be told he can't make it because of work etc. Sure it's a lie, but who wants to grow up knowing one of their parents has bigoted views? And who the fuck cares if there's gossip? They can be shut up with the same explanation. There's more likely to be a family rift if the OP's DH does what appears to be his patented drunk routine. Or if the OP doesn't attend a family occasion because of her DH's bigotry.

I can't believe you honestly feel that appearances in this case are more important than feelings. Why should a lovely happy couple have someone at their wedding who fundamentally disapproves of how they live their lives, and who, when drunk, says this in the most disgusting manner?

FiaGrace · 27/09/2010 13:16

I also think you should just go and enjoy the wedding with your family. I don't really understand how it will change your relationship with your dh if you go? Surely he must understand why he's not been invited??

I have a brother who is gay and have dropped friends becasue they've made homophobic comments, some general, some specifically about my brother.

I can totally understand your position in all this but can also see that if my dp had made the same comment, drunk or not, I'm not sure that I would still be with him and certainly would not want him at the wedding.

This is not your db problem, he and his dp simply want to enjoy their day and don't want any negativity.

Pixie83 · 27/09/2010 13:18

I think its very sad when family rifts drag on for years and years. I can understand why your brother doesn't feel able to invite your husband, after all what he said was homophobic, whether or not he really does have those beliefs (and who knows other than you and your husband..) However that does put you in an awkward situation where you are bound to end up feeling uncomfortable.

Personally I think you have to accept your brother's decision not to invite your H. After all, he must have thought long and hard before deciding not to. I would then attend the ceremony on your own, ie without your children, and to save yourself feeling uncomfortable, make your excuses (ie the children have a bug, which is why your H isn't there), and leave after the ceremony. You are then avoiding making things between you and your brother any worse.

As for whether your husband is really a racist, or all the other things which he has been called on here, I think all the accusations and name-calling on here have been a bit unfair to you (OP) - after all you are just stuck in the middle; it wasn't said by you. Nobody else knows him, and assuming he has not shown any other racist/homophobic/otherwise horrible tendencies, I think we should stick to answering OP's question and leave her to decide if her husband is worthy of their relationship! He hasn't killed anyone, maybe, just maybe, he said a very stupid thing when he was stupid-drunk and if he has been very sorry since (and maybe grown up a bit since?) and not shown other homphobic tendencies, it's probably not grounds for divorce.

Personally I feel very sorry for you (OP) as you are stuffed whatever you do really and none of it was your doing.

PlumBumMum · 27/09/2010 13:20

Actually it depends on the age of the children,
Are they at an age were they know there is tension? or know their father could make the wedding?

PlumBumMum · 27/09/2010 13:23

Pixie83 I have deleted and rewritten a post loads of times but that about sums up what I wanted to say.

Original poster

speechagent · 27/09/2010 14:02

MY DH rarely drinks now and when he does tries exsrtemely hard not to have too many. I can say that he has become quite successful at not having too much but of course I can not say he is infallible. I can say again I understand why he has not invited H. He thinks he is homophobic and vicious when drunk. Of course he has his many good points but I can not undo what happened. I know how sensitive my B and if this is the outcome after 8 years I can't see it changing. However I do wish we could speak to each other about these things, it all just is not spoken about and then this and i don't know how to move forwards.
I remeber at the time being quite shocked but said I wasn't going to fall out with DH about it (he has many many good points of which are he is a fantastic father and I love him)si I guesse I made my position clear then. Was my brother even really expecting me to come without him? The more I thinksk the more confused it seems. It feels like the whole thing has really opened up a can of worms. DH is fighting cancer and while things look positive in this respect right now there is really no way of knowing how it is going, a rule of 3rds applies to his particular treatment. This means that in a couple of years time he has a 1/3rd chance of being dead, a 1/3 chance of his bladder being reoved along with a high risk of impotenece (he is 43) and a 1/3 chance of being cancer free. I am really focused on him and our small family unit at the moment. This is affecting the way I think about the wider scenario.

OP posts:

Blu · 27/09/2010 14:08

Oh, the 'it will affect the children' argument is way OTT. Throughout my childhood my Aunt and Dad were engaged in a serious row, it was a ferocious and involved mutual hatred, my aunt's manipulative jealousy, no end of ho ha. It didn't 'affect' us - we just realised that adults have arguments.

I do feel sympathy fo you, OP - this is not of your making - but you don't bneed to take sides either. Go to the wedding, don't resent your B even if your DH does.

thatsnotmyfruitshoot · 27/09/2010 14:11

Firstly, really sorry to hear that your DH is ill. However, this is only a day, and it's going to be one of the most important days in your DB's life. Go and support him if you can, and if you want any chance of having a relationship with him in the future.

TBH someone who is "vicious" when drunk really doesn't sound the kind of person I'd want to invite anywhere. Do you often find yourself covering or apologising for your DH?

taintedpaint · 27/09/2010 14:13

speechagent, I'm very sorry to hear about your DH's illness and I understand why you are focused on your family with him. I don't think this puts a new spin on it for me though. He said what he said and your DB and his OH are still right to exclude him if they choose to. The wedding is just for a day, I see no problem with you attending alone.

I'm still a bit confused about why you think your relationship with your DH will suffer if you attend the wedding alone?

Also, do you even want to go to the wedding?

PlumBumMum · 27/09/2010 14:15

Blu I have to disagree, I come from a family in which arguments were common place,
it made me extremely uncomfortable as a child,
especially when one of my aunts /uncles would speak to me when they weren't speaking to my dad, I would feel sick with guilt

TotorosOcarina · 27/09/2010 14:17

I wouldn't let your DH come either.

Go and enjoy your brothers day with your kids.

Original poster

speechagent · 27/09/2010 14:20

thatsnotmyfruitshoot
This is the only time I have had to apologise for him. The couple of other times he has been like it have been at home and he has been rude to me. Fear of him having a drunken outburst have not been an issue. Fear of a hangover that lasts for days have and this is the reason he has cut down. From what I remeber as I had had a few to drink tto, was that he was vicious and vial in what he said to my B.

OP posts:

Original poster

speechagent · 27/09/2010 14:26

tainted paint
Do I really want to go?
Do I seem like I'm trying to talk myself out of it. Maybe I don't want to go but I want to show my brother support. THE ONLY WAY TO DO THAT IS TO GO SURELY.

OP posts:

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