DH's religion & children - should I just give up?

[WhyIsTheSkyBlue]

DH is a muslim (non-practising - or so I thought), I am an atheist. We have been married for seven years and are still very much in love.

DH has wanted children for a long time but I never felt quite ready in the past. However, I am now at a point where I would very much like to become a mum.

Although DH was initially delighted to hear this, he is now saying that we must get married in an islamic ceremony before having children. He says it would be wrong to have "illegitimate" children and wants any future kids of ours to be brought up as "proper" muslims.

I would be prepared to go through with something like this for his sake (it's not as though it would affect me legally). As a muslim, however, he can only marry another muslim, a christian or a jew - not an atheist. DH was apparently unaware of this until he enquired about the ceremony. He is now begging me to convert and seems to think that unless I start following one of these faiths (preferrably islam, of course) our marriage might not survive at all due to it being "sin".

(I should point out that DH really isn't that religious, i.e. doesn't fast, pray, eats non-halal meat, drinks occasionally, ...)

On the one hand I feel sorry for DH as this appears to be some sort of an identity crisis for him. On the other hand, however, I also feel very hurt and angry for myself and very much taken aback at the notion that as an "infidel" I should somehow be inferior material and not suitable as the mother of his children.

DH also seems to think that my (lack of) religious belief is some kind of a lifestyle choice, and that the only reason I don't believe in any sort of a deity is because I'm simply being stubborn.

I love DH very much (and I'm very confident that he feels the same way about me). However, I also do want to have children at some point in the not so distant future and I want a partner who accepts me with all my opinions and personal (non-)beliefs.

Is there any way this can end well or should I just give up on this relationship?

Pardon the hijack, but Riven, I've been under the impression all these years that you converted to Islam for your husband - I take it I was mistaken?

OP - how religious is his family? Are they perhaps putting pressure on him. I'd be very wary if I were you, but I'm not sure that running for the hills immediately is the right answer either.

You need to sit down and have a very long chat about mutual respect and equality in a relationship.

Still, he drinks, gambles, breaks various other Muslim laws which affect only him with no regrets, and yet he says that having sex with his wife hasn't felt quite right?

How does he talk about other women? Is he open to feminist ideas, and does he believe in gender equality?

Sorry, I'm rambling and thinking as I type.

This must be so painful and confusing after so long together. I really hope you find a happy medium.

PS - my husband is a non-practising atheist Jew, who, if we'd had sons, would have wanted them circumcised. I found this incredible - he isn't interested in following any part of his religion except the one that would involve mutilating our children - WHY?! No logic in it all that I could see. Luckily we had 2 girls!

It's very odd the part of their religion/culture that people stick to when they don't pay much attention to any other part.

Might be an odd question but what is your religious heritage? Any chance that you were Christened as a baby and can get round it that way? DP and I are atheist but were both Christened as babies.

Obviously it would be a bit of a sham and doesn't answer wider issues but as you say you are happy to go through a ceremony, just worth considering.

Squashimodo,

Thank you for that link. I just read it and it made my stomach drop. Some of the phrases were too familiar for comfort.

I really wish I had seen that some years ago (not wishing littlemad away) but reading that would have helped me see a very great deal of the abuse more quickly and I would hope deal with it more effectively - the difficulty is I think once you've 'bought into' the postive stuff, which you have outlined really well and heard all the positive stories of converts then your partner starts adopting those techniques it's a little easier to manipulate you into believing you are doing it wrong using all those techniques.

I'm rambling, I'm quite disturbed by that, but I think disturbed in a good way as it cements a very great number of conclusions it's taken me a long time to reach.

When his children come along, his outlook with alter and become skewed. He will no longer be the person you married and you will suffer the consequences. If you do then decide to divorce, he will aggressively pursue you through the family court because you will be trying to remove his children from him and your life will be a misery forever after.

I have seen it happen. It was ugly and distressing for all involved and it dragged on for years and years.

You should really get out while you can. Being exhaused after bearing a child can make a man like that take the opportunity to turn you into a doormat and begin to abuse you. Your strong identity is what you have at the moment, but your identity changes once you have a child and you're more vulnerable to abuse. I have experienced this myself within a relationship.