Calling all prostitutes and former prostitutes on MN, as there seem to be a few around right now...

[Aitch]

I'm curious to know how it makes you feel to see threads on here from wives and girlfriends etc when they discover that their husbands etc have been visiting prostitutes? even if you are happy in your own jobs (and i hope to god you are somehow, because the alternative is intolerable), how does it feel to be confronted with the downside of your work on these pages?

(i think it goes without saying that the men are culpable in this scenario, but am looking for some insight into how your work squares with sisterhood etc).

I'll think about that too, Aitch, OK?

and actually, why not the dh of a friend? presumably other people's wives have friend?

Aitch, I really don't know why you're so insistent that the sex worker should take blame for pain caused to married man's wives. It is not IN THE LEAST the sex worker's fault that a man decides he wants sex outside his marriage. And sometimes it is actually the fault of the 'betrayed' wife that her H is seeking sex elsewhere ie if the wife has decided that she will no longer have sex with her H, no discussion, no compromise he should just lump it.

hehehe, enjoy yer dinner.

i think you are being reductive wrt what i am saying tbh sgb. and it's more a discussion than my stridently making some point.

Aitch I'm guessing OFFS would be horrified to find out a client was someone she knew because then it gets personal and that's the whole point of the prostitute/client relationship isn't it? That it's anonymous with no strings.

serenity: what about if the OW or OM was only 'in it' for a shag and not for a long term thing? Does that make it any less bad?

*Expecting to see all opinions expressed here repackaged in an article for one of the dailies tomorrow when Beckham story breaks properly /cynicism

but while the shop should sell food that won't hurt people the shop only has the obligation to put a "best from x months" sticker on the food, they do not have a moral obligation to question the parent of the newborn as to whether they are going to way until the appropriate age to give the food...

Similarly a prostitute shouldn't even feel obliged to ask whether a punter is married or not.

Blaming the prostitute, or the Other Woman (who is single) is just bringing us right back to the whole apron-strings "poor wee men can't be trusted to look after themselves we have to do it for them" idea but taking it a step further and having to watch out for their morals as well as their clean pants though isn't it?

I think it is.

And I'd like to think, that as a society we've come further than that.

We do have professional ethics, I suppose.
For instance, any girl worth her salt, if she finds out that a client has fallen in love with her, will stop seeing him.
Anything else would be cruel.

I think the reason why a sex worker would refuse to take the H of a friend or relative as a customer would be that, because she knows the wife and the wife knows her, that could be a betrayal of someone she knows (if she also knows that the wife in question doesn't want her H to have sex elsewhere). Of course, there are occasions when clients' wife and sex worker are on amicable terms ie the wife doesn't want, or can't have, sex with the H and is happy for him to get it from a professional with a professional attitude.

I don't understand the argument that on the one hand it's the husband fault and on the other hand it's the wife who drove him to do it.

No one slut blames here but it's all very well to do the same with the wife? What about partners who are disabled through illness or those women who need time to heal post having a baby. How long is too long without sex and why can't some compromise be made.

If a partner bans sex forever then it's time to reassess the marriage and for the couple to move on. It's not a get out clause for an excuse to go shagging elsewhere. Because that seems the act of someone bitter and vengeful.

Bucharest: no, not at all. I think it's almost entirely his fault. But I think that any woman who willingly has a shag/affair with an attached man has also got to take some responsibility. Saying he's only go to someone else is no argument at all: the buck has to stop somewhere. What happened to sisterhood?

Yes, that's why I hate the 'he'll only go somewhere else argument'. Why will he?

'She told me when i married to watch the dwindling sex life, if we let it slide, most men have no qualms at looking elsewhere.'

Your sex life with your partner is something to tackle together though. It's not up to one person to be putting on some sort of performance for the other's benefit.

Speaking here as someone whose exH cheated and also lied a lot. He was adamant that he never cheated on me with prostitutes, as if that would make any difference to me (still don't understand why he said this -- it made no difference to me, as his mind and heart were obviously elsewhere, and frankly I didn't care who he had been with after I started sorting through all the deception and found more and more layers of lies. It was the lies and the lying, the fact and the sheer scale of the deception that did my head in.)

jenny60- Like a one night stand? Ships in the night/no names/no meeting again blah blah blah? IDK. I suppose I see even that as having more of an element of choice in it than the prostitute/punter relationship. It's still more than business. It's difficult for me to comment on really. I've never had a one night stand, I can't understand wanting one, so I don't know how little or much you'd know about the other party! Sorry.

And yes, are they really going to explode while waiting for a woman to heal after giving birth?

To me what is the difference between someone having an affair or visiting a prostitute. Its the person in the relationship with you that has betrayed your trust not the other person.

I never get blaming the other person for offering it. It is the person who question that sought it and did it with no regard for heir partner. Its the same as scapegoating 'the other woman' when a man has an affair. If a man is that type he will cheat on you with anyone whether paying or not imo.

I wonder how many marriages and relationships would exist at all in the long run if couples decided to part each time they ran into problems with their sex lives?

While it is true the honest and frank discussions are good in many areas of human disagreement, I am not sure they are necessarily that helpful where sexuality and emotions are involved.

For instance: married man with family who is frustrated with lack of sex life: "darling, I am a little bored and frustrated with our sex life which, although we have tried to spice it up, seems to have dwindled to unacceptable levels, so considering having an affair/paying for sex with someone else. Thought I would tell you so you don't feel that I am lying to you and sneaking behind your back. You are obviously free to find a lover if that suits you. I don't want to break up the family over this as we get on great as friends and I don't want to upset the kids."

Wife: "Thank you for telling me how you feel, at least you have been honest, and actually, now you mention it, I am pretty bored with you, especially as you are looking a bit ropey these days, and have my eye on a guy at the gym...."

Hmmmm.....

So letting things fester is preferable? And does an honest discussion have to be so blunt?

Obviously neither party in Tadpoles' scenario is all that heavily invested in the other party as an exclusive sex partner. If things have got to that pass, then maybe chucking monogamy would be the way to go, and at least they're being honest (and have enough respect for each other to be honest, which is a positive). Most partners are not so evenly indifferent though.

I don't scapegoat the other woman, in my case, however I've seen what her involvement and continued involvement with my stbex has done to my children. I can't berate their father because I understand that he and they have to continue their relationship. He is now riddled with guilt because of the 'hurt he caused them'.

She doesn't feel guilt. She's only worried about how all this has affected her position with her family, friends and work.

I know she caused hurt to my children. I defy anyone here who has children not to feel anger and some desire to get revenge for the damage that has been done. She is scum to me. She isn't on the radar of the older children. 'Who?' they asked when I mentioned her name and the possibility of them meeting her. 'No way is that happening' they replied. My ds is adamant at the tender age of 9 that he never wants to ever meet her.

That is the way to do revenge. I've learn't a lot from my children these past months.

Bit of a derail - sorry.

The thing is, sex is a lot more important to some people than it is to others. Having a low libido does not make you morally superior, nor does it entitle you to exercise the right of veto over someone else's libido.
It is silly to say that people 'need' sex like they need food, water or oxygen, but for people to whom sex is important, they 'need' in in the same way that musical people need music, for instance: you can survive without it but your life is more miserable.
What bemuses me about the whole business of 'betrayed' people complaining that their partners should just have resigned themselves to very little sex is - if you don't want to have sex with your partner, why on earth do you mind if someone else does? Particularly if that someone else is a sex worker ie there is no way your partner is going to 'fall in love' with the sex worker and leave your home.