Calling all prostitutes and former prostitutes on MN, as there seem to be a few around right now...

[Aitch]

I'm curious to know how it makes you feel to see threads on here from wives and girlfriends etc when they discover that their husbands etc have been visiting prostitutes? even if you are happy in your own jobs (and i hope to god you are somehow, because the alternative is intolerable), how does it feel to be confronted with the downside of your work on these pages?

(i think it goes without saying that the men are culpable in this scenario, but am looking for some insight into how your work squares with sisterhood etc).

i can see, shiny, that imo it wouldn't be quite as bad as an emotional affair, at least insofar as an emotional affair would represent more of an immediate threat.

the women i have spoken to, albeit after they got out of prostitution, said to me that they did feel bad but reckoned when they got out that the men were such utter shits that they were better off without them... (while they were in the job they didn't think so much about the morals of their punters, like you say it was more gratitude that they didn't beat them up and that everything passed as it should.)

'It's the man's job to take moral responsibility for himself.'

I am not disagreeing with this and aitch is right in how this thread came to be posted. However people's actions have consequences for other people indirectly.I would be interested what mandamum would do if a client turned out to be say her sister's husband or a relative or a friend's partner/husband. Or does money take away a conscience?

no worries, mandamumu.

Aitch, that wasn't what I meant. Sorry if it came across wrong. I suppose what I mean is an extension of what jenny60 said above: when it's a business transaction, the person being paid to provide the service isn't required to apply morals to the situation.

In a traditional affair the dynamic is different as there's no remuneration for services, no professional obligation, it's two individuals willingly conspiring in a betrayal.

I was the other woman once (he wasn't married, no kids, but long term girlfriend whom he lived with) and I consider myself as morally reprehensible as him for ever having gotten involved.

It's one of the things I am most ashamed of actually and the only thing I'd edit out of my past if I could. But I digress...

I used to meet them for nights out etc in their work place and can see why the girls you have met would say they were all shits. A lot of them spoke about their wives/OH's in way that made think the fact that their men were visting brothels was the last of their worries. They were vile.

But then you would see the same guy in there the next week on his own and he would be as quiet as a mouse, so I often wondered how much of that was bravado in front of their mates?

When I said they were grateful to be paid and that the guy was polite, I didn't mean that they were afraid of being beaten up. That never happened in the place these girls worked at. To put it bluntly the 'best' clients they could ask for were ones that just want straight sex, come quickly and don't want to engage in loads of small talk/kissing (which none of them did) and snuggling etc.

the women i met would have been street workers or worked in brothels where they were working off some bogus debt to their smuggler, so personal safety was a consideration.

thing is, i can easily believe that there are many upsides to working in a brothel that is well maintained, i mean look at us all here, we LOVE the company of other women, other women are GREAT. it's just that, oh i don't know, if you ever see docs on brothels it doesn't take long for tales of really, really, really shit lives to percolate to the surface... and i want girls with really shit lives to get support, not get into prostitution.

there has been research where i live, and the stats were staggering as to how many street workers had been abused as children.

realise however that we are likely not talking about the same people on here... i suppose it's a professional ethics question in a way... sure a prostitute is not morally responsible for her client's infidelity, but she is morally responsible for her own participation in it, knowing the hurt it will likely cause, isn't she? or is she? don't most careers have professional ethics that extend beyond the face to face client?

I suppose I'm coming at this from a different angle. I think men who use prostitutes are disgusting. I don't blame the prostitute who has to do her job because of desperate life circumstances (yes, yes, I know some love/choose their jobs, have PhDs etc... but not most). But someone like Manda, who is not forced into prostitution, does have options, but chooses to do this job knowing that many married men will will pay her for sex, I wonder if she shouldn't take some responsibility, even a little? Don't mean to single you out, but I also wondered how you would feel about your husband going to a prostitute and how you would judge the role of the prostitute in that transaction?

Aitch, your OP asked about feelings... I can't stop long today - I have to go wank an 80-year old tonight - but way back when I started, client number three booked me for 3 hours, sent me home after one, and was very nervous and uncomfortable. A couple of days later, I got an email from someone purporting to be his wife, claiming that she had found out what happened and that he had killed himself, leaving her a widow with a couple of young DC.

I felt massively guilty, though I had no real responsibility.

I felt less massively guilty when the grieving widow set the NotW on me.

really? because you think that when the notw stringer came to her door looking for a story she should have thought of your feelings? serious question.

Oh no the girls I met were there because they wanted to be there. I'm not saying they had great lives beforehand. Many of them came from abusive relationships and used prostitution as a means to get the funding to escape the relationship, some had abusive fathers/step fathers etc a few just simply liked sex and money. But they weren't in debt to anyone or in fear of their safety.

I don't think the working girl is morally responsible. I think the responsibility lies solely with the man. If she turned down a client, he would just go elsewhere.

but where do we draw the line?

Ultimately, the woman is offering a service. Whether we agree with that is neither here nor there; she is selling a service and the man is buying.

What about women who work on sex lines, should they be morally responsible for their customers too?

If you take that argument further, should a shop that sells say, baby food, lecture a mother who buys a packet of baby rice/rusks/ for her newborn?

People offer a service, some might choose to offer that service selectively (whatever the service might be), but no-one should feel obliged to do so.

Doesn't mean someone should feel bad about providing a service because someone who shouldn't use it might use it.

It's kind of like saying people who run online gambling sites, or off licenses should feel bad about gambling addicts or alcoholics.

but we boycott things all the time on here, and demand more ethical behaviour from shops... of course a shop selling baby food should sell food that won't harm people.

Aitch - IDK. I see it as being a one-off business transaction vs. a fledgling relationship. The prostitutes endgame is to make money, the OW (or man, is there a nongender specific term?)is after far more than that - they want emotional commitment, they want the person they're involved with, they want the break-up of the original relationship. I'm not saying that prostitutes shouldn't or don't feel remorse for sleeping with married clients, I was coming more from the other angle (in response to Alouise's post actually) that a single person isn't at fault for being involved with an involved person, because that stance makes me cross. They're not as at fault as the other party, but they still shouldn't have gone there.

Yes, Aitch, I felt less guilty because I felt afraid for myself. There just wasn't as much room left in my head, iyswim.

I'll agree it's selfish of me, but also understandable, I think?

She sought out NotW, btw, they didn't turn up on her doorstep. Fortunately, they had put 2 + 2 together and come up with 987, so they did't turn up on my doorstep either, though they threatened to sit on it over Xmas and New Year.

Anyway, gotta go. See you tomorrow. :)

sure thing. but at the same time you can't blame her for wanting you to suffer, given that the offer was made to her.

apart from that one sad case though, how does it go in general with married or attached clients?

and i do think it's interesting to know whether or not you would be shocked or judgemental even to meet your brother or uncle or best friend's dh or somesuch?

Just quickly... I don't blame her at all, I can completely understand the desire to lash out and hurt.

I would be horrified to meet someone I already knew, and would not go ahead with the appointment.

Now, really have to go! :)

lol, but WHY?????

OFFS - did you know he was married when he booked you? Do you normally enquire, or not? Because if you didn't and don't, while I understand that you will feel terrible about it, I don't see how it is your fault. If it hadn't been you it would have been someone else, surely?

Why wouldn't I fuck my own brother? Oh, come on!

As for Dh of someone I knew, of course I would no more have paid sex with him than I'd have an affair.

I do have some morals, y'know.

nonononononono forget the brother, of course you wouldn't sleep with him. why would you be horrified?

I didn't know when he booked me, I didn't ask, he did mention a wife when me met. I don't think it was my fault, per se, but I still felt guilty. I'll think about it tonight and see if I can work out why, but now I really, really have to go!