Is this a normal sex life???

[whatisnormality]

My husband and I have just had an argument about our sex life.... again

It has got to the point where we are on the verge of splitting up. He does not see that there is a problem and I feel like I'm going mad so wanted other people's thoughts.

Our sex life:

• Always initiated by me
• 90% of the time it is me pleasuring him with no reciprical action and he 'thanks' me afterwards
• Crunch time came at the weekend when I'd spent 50 minutes on foreplay (on him) and he suggested we go upstairs. Rather than have sex me, he got on all 4's so he could have some bum action?!
• Last night we were cuddling and although I knew he was up for it, as he knew I was upset by the weekend incident I refused to acknowledge it so he asked if (whilst we were cuddling) it was ok if he played with himself as he had a stiffie (I was gagging for it, as always but wanted him to initiate it just for once)

It's been like this for the past 10-11 yrs and we always talk about it and it's always my fault and I just end up mystified. Apparently I don't know what normal is and I patronise him.

He says that everything has to be perfect for me to want to have sex and if I go to bed wearing knickers or pyjamas it means I don't want it (even if I subsequently spend 50 minutes playing with him, I'm clearly not interested)

Is this really remotely normal???

One of the books that dignified recommended, "Why Does He Do That?" was really interesting to me. There was a big section on different personality types, because it's easy to read a red flag list and think "Hmm, well he does this and that and that one, but he definitely doesn't do this one, he does the opposite of this one and he hates men who do this one."

So while one type of controlling partner will constantly buy gifts, make little gestures etc, but starve his partner of affection, another will allow his partner lots of freedom, but expect dinner on the table and a spotless house. Another will be wonderfully affectionate but will get drunk and be abusive when drunk.

Basically the point is just because he doesn't do everything on a list it doesn't excuse the things that he does which are on the list. Just doing one of those things is terrible enough! And doing some nice things doesn't excuse the bad things either. I know that it's hard to see labels such as abusive attached to someone you love and care for. It's easy to think that someone who is "abusive" is a monster, and your husband is not a monster, he's a human who is not perfect. So how could he be abusive? But the problem is, abusers are human. The problem is they are more Jekyll & Hyde than anything else. And you have no chance of fixing it. It doesn't matter how much you love him or care for him or stroke his ego.

I really recommend you have a look at the NPD thread on here at the moment and just have a look at the links on the first page if nothing else. It might be completely off the mark, but it might not be. I have to go to bed now but I wish you good luck and I hope you manage to make some sense of this whole situation.

I say find another man, he obviously doesn't respect for you, make him go without for a month and ask him to show you some respect and love.

Forgive me for entering into this thread. I was googling for entertaining my 4 yo grandson and mumsnet was one hit. Why i caught this thread i don't know. Fate? B4 i go further i admit to being male and over 50.
Sorry. I could not resist saying something from the other side of the table. So i registered.
I am totally shocked by wahtis's posts.
You say he is caring and thoughtful but flowers and holding hands is not that.
Relationships are about communication and caring. IMHO more love comes from giving than from receiving.
If your discussions always end up with you on the defensive then there is a serious difficulty here.
Of course, none of us are perfect, male or female.
Stress can be a big problem - both my girlfriend and I suffer because of work - but it can be overcome.
I can only express what i felt whilst reading this thread.
50 mins of (one sided) foreplay is - err - 'wrong'.
33 is a fine age for great sex. (333 might be a problem!) Pyjama's, etc., are not a barrier - taking them off is good fun.
I guess you have no children, or lodgers, or dogs, or something else that can disrupt things?
I would almost think he doesn't like you anymore(apologies). His sexual requirements appear to be more about control and de-humanisation than love and desire.
By 'bum action' (with him on all fours) I understand you are penetrating or pleasuring?
This appears to be classic superiority complex. I could add a lot more but will not.
From this distance I think, although you obviously care and love, it is not reciprocated in the same extent.
I see no equality here. I see no harmony here. I see no understanding here.
I'm not sure what else to say.
I shall log in tomorrow (Sat) night for any comments then shall de-register and be on my way.

Hear, hear.

This all sounds horrendous. I'm reading this and am so glad I nipped some of exH's requests in the bud at an early stage.eg sitting on my face for oral sex like yours.

I used to think he was loving until once I said I didn't want to come and he said I had to as it made it feel better for him afterwards. It was all mechanical and was always trying out every position possible, no love and always focussed on himself. I don't think my ex was gay, but he also had a bit of a fixation with his arse.

Every time I did something, he'd take it to the next level the next time. He's left me for a 24 year old, he says sex with her is great and this thread is making me realise what his interpretation of great sex is and why he's gone for someone much younger (I'm 49).

Divorce is awful, but every night I am relieved that he's not there to come to bed with me. I really think you should leave. 33 is a very attractive age and you would be able to find someone else if you wanted to.

I had a number of sexual relationships prior to my marriage and knew ours was not normal, so feel sorry for you as it sounds you have never had the chance of a normal sex life. I always thought things would improve, but during the 19 years of marriage it just got worse. Yours will get worse too.

he is vile.

Leave him.

Another voice here saying fgs get out of this now.

My dh is not perfect (nor am I) we have arguments, sometimes I could quite cheerily kill him but we resolve them by talking about problems. The majority of the time he is great, helps around the house, looks after me, provides for me and his children, sex is good.

Your dh doesnt seem like he has ANY redeeming features - you started to list his good points - intelligent - wow is that it (the rest of the post listed his bad points)
there are plenty of intelligent people out there and plenty if not so and Id rather have a not intelligent person and a happy life together. oh and he buys you things occasionally.

Another thing that struck me is that he encourages you to spend your money on something - ie he is controlling you to make sure you dont have enough money stashed away to leave him and therefore have no financial independence

IT IS ALL ABOUT CONTROL

You are still young enough to walk away from this - cut contact completely - talk to your friends, brother, counsellor and get yourself sorted.
When you are happily in a relatioship and with children in 5/10 yrs time you will look back and wonder what took you so long.

I am up since 6am because I had a nightmare that I was married to your H, seriously. Even in the nightmare I was packing to leave.

I don't know what more to say. This resonates with me so much.

Men like this usually do just enough to pull you back. Just when you are feeling as low as you can be and realising what a twat you are married to they do something to contradict that thought. Because of your mindset...instead of thinking big deal he held my hand, bought flowers, emptied dishwasher you start to revaluate and dismiss all the horrible horrible stuff.

WIN - if I held your hand , did your dishwasher and bought a bunch of flowers would you let me treat you in the same way?

You equate doing all these things and allowing abuse with the possibility of a loving relationship. If you can be perfect, drive better, do more housework, be less stressed, be more sexually fulfilling to him........ you may reach the Holy Grail of happy relationship?

Except you can't.

I promise you that you cannot 'love him enough' to change this relationship. You need to recognise that it's over and he's too damn lazy and comfortable to leave it.

When you can't make the relationship work you look at yourself and place blame there.... you then try harder..

STOP

You will be old, childless and very unhappy if you stay.

Leave. I guarantee that within the year you will be adjusting, divorcing (it is hard) but underneath all of that you will have a layer of peace and happiness in your life that is authentic and not contrived

Yes, everyone (man or woman) owes it to their partner to try to resolve bedroom issues BUT GOD YOU HAVE TRIED. And there is much more to this than bedroom issues. You are in your prime, please try to move as soon as you can.....and if you did have a child with him things could get worse!

I agree with other people that this is almost certainly an abusive relationship. But even if it wasn't neither of you sound at all happy. If you want to think about your husband's happiness then would it help to think in terms of moving on so that you both are free of the arguments and accusations and unwanted demands? One thing my counselor said to me which really helped a lot was that we are all only responsible for our own lives and decisions. Your husband's path is his own to take as is yours.

Leaving a relationship doesn't have to be a "failure", and most people won't think of it as anything other than a bit sad perhaps that things obviously didn't work out. Those that know you well may be relived and are probably just waiting for you to turn to them for support. I've always felt it to be a sign of trust when people have turned to me, a real privilege to help someone else (when my relationship went very wrong I had a great deal of support from a lot of people and it's been great to be able to offer support whenever I could to others) so don't think of yourself as burdening them.

Just an observation...why do we think that hosehold chores are ours? "He loads the dishwasher" yeah,his f'ing dishwasher with his f'ing crockery!! I thank my (lovely)dh sometimes for hoovering or something and he always says "dont thank me its my house too"
Rant over.I posted last night and am catching up this morning and it occurred to me that op isnt showing signs of being ready to leave yet. So maybe whatisnormalityyou shouls take baby steps and at least seek some counselling to address how you are feeling and i would also advise you to stop doing sexual things that make you uncomfortable or dont want to do. If i told you i had anal sex with my dh but it was painfull and made me weep and feel dirty and unloved you would be shocked,no?well it workeds the same for any other sexual practice such as allowing him to "sit on your face"or making you finger him for 50 mins with nothing for yourself. Fine if you enjoy it but you dont so pleas dont do it anymore and get back your self worth.
Apologies for my bluntness but this sort of thing makes m,e so sad/mad

Just wondering how you are this morning, whatisnormality. Hope you managed to get some sleep. Thinking of you.

Well said caringsoul.

Apologies for not reading the whole thread, but have skimmed it.

This is most definitely NOT a normal sex life.

Your partner is either gay or very very selfish.

I'd be packing my bags if I were you tbh.

Please please find another/better way to live your life.
My H would 'do' things for me, but he would then negate them by being abusive and controlling and the sex was far from satisfactory.
I never left because I was scared re what he may do regarding the children; you don't have these ties.
In the end he died. And I have coped, and I have coped very very well. Sadly/gladly I am better off in every way

OP I would urge you to read this book: Toxic Parents

I think it will give you some insight as to how you ended up with such low expectations of an adult relationship, that you have tolerated the monster you live with for 11 years.

The advantage of it, is that your DP won't connect you reading it with your relationship with him. But if you read this, I think it might all fall into place with you. You have been in an abusive relationship since you were born. No wonder you can't see the wood from the trees - what you see as normal, is what normal people see as intolerable abuse.

he sounds like a narcissist to me who controls you by making you doubt yourself and undermining your self-esteem to the point where you are "grateful" to be "loved" by him.

Sorry to be blunt but it sounds like the only person he loves is himself and he is using you to maintain the illusion to himself that he is wonderful and entitled to use you as some kind of sexual object/slave attending to his every whim.

i don't usually comment on sex threads as everyone is different and there is no such thing as normal, but your relationship rings major alarm bells for me.

As others have said, if you stay with him you will be unlikely to have kids and I suspect will eventually lose so much of yourself in the process that you no longer have the self-belief to leave. You are worth far more than this.

Another voice saying please leave him. You sound so lovely and he seems so vile. I agree with the poster who said that in five years you could be with a lovely man and have kids of your own.

It's not until you are out of the awfulness of the relationship and with someone who appreciates you and is loving that you see your present situation for what it is.

I really don't know what is "normal" and what isn't but it sounds like you are sexually not very compatible.

I just couldn't be bothered having to spend so much time thinking about it and wondering what he feels and why it isn't working etc. Doesn't sound great.

i also think he's narcissistic.

i think you are in a highly abusive relationship. the worst kind because there are no marks to prove it.

he has whittled your confidence down so low you can't leave. every time you point out how he's being a martyr or a victim he turns it around on you.

his plus points are so tiny in comparison to the awfulness of the bad that it is heartbreaking.

your brother and friend have your best interests at heart.

i bet you'd be surprised at how many people secretly think he's horrible but don't say anything because they want to support you.

please find the strength from somewhere and LEAVE.

whatisnormality, clearly the advice you're receiving on here (to leave) is proving too big a step for you to take. So, lets start with smaller steps.

You have received overwhelming response and support for your opinion that your sex life is not normal. You don't have to confront your husband with that for the moment, just hold on to the knowledge that you are right about this and he is wrong.

As your previous experience of counselling was a positive experience, please get yourself a counsellor and start to talk to about these issues. The British Association of Counselling Professionals (www.bacp.co.uk) has a find a therapist link on their website where you can select not just by geographical location but also by "special interests" (there's a drop down list including sex related issues, abuse, self-esteem). If you're unable to pay for counselling privately, visit your GP.

By working with your counsellor, you'll be able to build up your coping skills, your confidence and self-esteem. Once you've done that, then you can re-visit whether you want to remain in this abnormal relationship.

Leaving someone can be very hard, particularly when there is a good relationship between them and your friends and family. Nevertheless, you have the right to be happy, to feel loved, supported and cherished, to have a fulfilling sex life and to have children. Please don't fall for the belief that your husband is the only one for you. Obsessive love isn't healthy or normal and once you start to build a new life for yourself, you'll meet people who will demonstrate that to you. But it is very important that you do the counselling first, as its important that you learn for yourself what makes a relationship normal and healthy and what doesn't. After all, the last thing we want is for you to jump out of this unhealthy relationship into another one as bad, or worse.

Good luck m'dear, its not an easy road but please do start taking the steps along it.

What you list as good points
aren't really good points, sweetie, they are
ways he cintrils you more. I left my very similar 16 year relationship at forty one. That was when I finally felt ready. It was very very hard I left with one carrier bag of stuff, stayed with relatives, nought new clothes second hand , beat myself up for a bit and I haven't had access to my house (which I own) for over a year. But I have not regretted it.

Until I was free I didn't realise just how under control i was.

It's still hard but I don't regret it and I now know that my happiness is important and that all the things he said were my fault were not!

midnightschildthats what i was trying to say. I was once in violent relationship and i left when i was ready and looking back that was the right thing for me cos was never tempted to return and didnt find it as difficult as i would have done a yr earlier.
Baby steps in right directio are better than nothing and please dont do anything else you are uncomfortable with as this will only lower you self worth.