Is this a normal sex life???

[whatisnormality]

My husband and I have just had an argument about our sex life.... again

It has got to the point where we are on the verge of splitting up. He does not see that there is a problem and I feel like I'm going mad so wanted other people's thoughts.

Our sex life:

• Always initiated by me
• 90% of the time it is me pleasuring him with no reciprical action and he 'thanks' me afterwards
• Crunch time came at the weekend when I'd spent 50 minutes on foreplay (on him) and he suggested we go upstairs. Rather than have sex me, he got on all 4's so he could have some bum action?!
• Last night we were cuddling and although I knew he was up for it, as he knew I was upset by the weekend incident I refused to acknowledge it so he asked if (whilst we were cuddling) it was ok if he played with himself as he had a stiffie (I was gagging for it, as always but wanted him to initiate it just for once)

It's been like this for the past 10-11 yrs and we always talk about it and it's always my fault and I just end up mystified. Apparently I don't know what normal is and I patronise him.

He says that everything has to be perfect for me to want to have sex and if I go to bed wearing knickers or pyjamas it means I don't want it (even if I subsequently spend 50 minutes playing with him, I'm clearly not interested)

Is this really remotely normal???

He really, really isn't that bad. He can be really kind and caring and he makes me laugh. He's just a bit grumpy and controlling and doesn't take my concerns seriously.

Dignified - I will read about the areas that you've suggested. Interestingly the friend who doesn't like him thinks he's controlling.

He really is very different to my father. My father is horrifying when drunk whilst my dh doesn't drink excessively. Also my father would do nothing for my mother whilst my husband does go out sometimes to buy me crisps or ice cream.

He's also always there on the occassions that I've been ill and in hospital and recently took the day off work when I collapsed

Who are you trying to convince here?

Im sorry but I am off to bed. Please come back and keep talking to us.
He is no good for your sanity. He has got you all confused and to be honest I think you probably need a bit of space away from him to get a real sense of perspective.

apologies if i have read this wrong

firstly. he is using this as powerplay.

secondly 0 a contributing factor might be that hes an oldgit- late 50's? maybe he could do with some viagra but too proud to ask?

or like everyone else says hes jsut gay

Could you get away for a few days? Go to see a friend? Make up a reason... You need some time away to get your head together.

"The problem is how can you be 100% sure it isn't all you?? of course if I told my friends and brothers they'd all think it was all him because they would support me. I'm sure if he told his friends they would all support him and see me as the frigid over reacting wife with unreasonable expectations...."

1. Everyone on this thread has a million different views on everything, you've been objective and tried to point out DH's good points and yet still everyone seems to have formed a consensus (very unusual for MN!!!)

2.I bet if you told your friends and brothers you'd tell the truth in an objective way, so of course they'd agree with you. If DH said anything to his mates (does he have any?) he would simply state you were a "frigid over reacting wife with unreasonable expectations" and they'd probably nod and get on with their pints.

You are NOT a "frigid over reacting wife with unreasonable expectations".
You are a successful adult with good friends and family (except your Dad) to turn to.

Look here now

Just because he is different to your father does not mean he is not also an abusive controlling manipulative selfish bastard who wants to keep your self-esteem low so you will always be there to do what he wants. He just does it in a different way.

Take it from someone with experience (the link above)
Just because you've escaped a level 10 bastard, doesn't mean you should settle for the level 8 one that comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is none.

Ive been reading too many postings of Graces , but it looks like COGNITIVE DISCANACE is kicking in , please take some time to read about this too , it makes so much sense. Sorry , my spelling is shit.

Re your father , its not about drinking or going to the shops , its about the way they both treat you . Neither of them respect you or your boundarys , and both of them emotionally abuse you. The majority of posters posting on here about an abusive partner has an issue with one of their parents. Youve been taught some very damaging lessons as a little girl , the way they both treat you isnt ok.

Perhaps powerplay but I don't think he needs viagra- he functions well just can't be bothered to put in any effort required to have intercourse when it's so much easier for someone to sort him out without him lifting a finger.

Thank you for all your replies. I'm off to bed too and will update you once I've had a chance to think and perhaps try and talk to him again.

Thank you again

Don't know how he can call YOU frigid anyway. He's the one refusing sex!

Its my bet he has few real freinds and bitches about people constantly , is probably a suck up , shit with money , shit attitude in the car , wont stand up to other men , blames you for everything and says you " make him " do stuff , takes no responsibilty , tells you youve said stuff you havent ect ect.

whatisnormality a husband should be there when his wife collapses and as for loading the dishwasher or making you tea....?! - these things don't count as plus points because they are what normal people do in terms of housework and how tehy treat their partner.

Please tell us about his friends.

whatisnormality, I really feel for you. None of this is your fault. Abusers have been telling you/otherwise letting you know that you are worthless for so long now that you feel that they have to have a point. They do not. You were just unlucky and it happens to the best of us.

Your expectations are not high or unrealistic. They are unreasonably low, if anything. So you have a good husband because he is not horrifying when drunk and sometimes buys you ice-cream. I think you deserve to raise your standards.

Henry David Thoreau once wrote: Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them. I remind myself every day I do not want to be one of them. Do you?

Imagine that your best friend or a sibling, someone you care about very deeply, is in your shoes. What would you advise them to do? How would you feel about their life? Would you advise them to ignore their suffering in the way that you ignore yours?

You deserve so much better. Please give Woman Aid a ring.

Dignified you are so spot on!

He hates driving with me and we always argue when I drive as he makes me so nervous (he always critises although I am a pretty bad driver).

He doesn't really have many friends of his own (just partners of my friends) but he is well liked and respected at work (although interestingly he once had a dispute with an employer where they alleged he had spoken to them inappropriately and stalked off although of course I supported him)

He does tell me constantly that I'm grumpy, my glass is half empty... and sometimes I am actually left quite mystified as I do often go home happy but he's right I end up grumpy and down within minutes although plenty of times the arguments are definitely not started by me

He always says that his memory is dreadful so whilst I can conjure up mythical examples of things he is unable to. So often I end up swearing on x's life that what I'm saying is true because I end up so frustrated!

whatisnormality

what does he do to make you feel happy, loved, confident; how does he boost your self esteem; is he ever wrong, needs your help....is he a narcissist too?

read your posts

he doesn't sound like a nice man at all

This man is not your friend. He's a horrible individual. Someone beat me to asking if your parents were bullies too - no surprise there either.
Men like your disgusting partner very very often target young, inexperienced women. THey have an instinct for young women who are accustomed to being bullied and treated as less than human, because they don't want a relationship, they want a fuckhole with a hoover attachment. They know that they can get hold of someone vulnerable, someone who has never had a good sexual relationship (even a good hot horny fling with someone who was a laugh though not a lifepartner) and convince her that this kind of slavery is Just The Way Life Is In The Grown Up World.
If you manage to convince this waste of oxygen to impregnate you, everything will get much, much worse. He may even be a danger to the baby as it will interfere with you servicing him. Don't do it. Reach out for all the support there is available, and get rid of him.

He always buys cards for anniversaries and birthdays. He often buys flowers and I'll get home and they'll be in a vase on the table. He occassionally goes on walks with me. He went shopping with me last week for a new suit. We always hold hands when we go out together. He often suggests that I buy something to cheer myself up when I'm low. He does have loads of good points.

To be honest what really started me feeling so low was having a facial the other day and it was so nice just to be touched (I know that probably sounds a bit perverse), not in a sexual way I guess just to not feel so repulsive. I think that's what made me realise how much i wish he would scrub my back or do something that offers some sort of intimacy.

He sounds awful, and over the years he has gradually been working on you so that your self-confidence is really low.

One of the results of this is that he gets to keep you around to look after him as he gets older. I expect he is terrified you will suddenly wake up, smell the coffee and find yourself someone who loves and deserves you, which would leave him without his unpaid housekeeper and, in later years, nurse. So he littlies and confuses you to try to keep you in line. What a creep.

Run for the hills, find a decent man who loves you and worships the bloody ground you walk on. Sometimes buys you crisps? Not good enough, not even close.

Not enough though is it?

whatisnormality I really feel for you.

You really do need to get rid of this guy, and a.s.a.p. - if you want to have children (with a decent father, not this excuse for a man) there's no time to waste.

Please, read your posts back to yourself. It's so obvious that this man is being a complete shit to you.

You need to be kind to yourself - please stop making excuses for him, to youself and others, and tell the truth about what's going on here.

I know it might be embarrasing but could you speak to one of your RL friends about how he makes you feel? Or tell your best friend that you need help in being strong enough to leave him, maybe?

Sorry, on phone so takes ages to type. Littlies should have read belittles as well.

But.my point stands. He is treating you just nicely enough, enough if the time that you feel that the other times must be the blips. You're like a bird in a cage: you get fed and basically looked after but you've no way to express yourself and it's very clear where the control lies. You're not his property and you deserve more.

If a facial made you grieve for the intimacy that you're missing, I think that's a really clear sign.

Don't lose the chance to have children, either. If you want them, it's not going to happen with him and tbh it sounds like he would be a bloody awful father.

Whatisnormality - leave. There is so much wrong with this relationship - no amount of councelling is going to fix it.

He will never leave you, not because he loves you, but because you provide him with a 'straight' facade.

You are only 33, you still have time to meet someone lovely and have the family you have always wanted.

Don't waste any more of your life on this man who doesn't love you. He may have beautiful sad eyes... someone else will have beautiful eyes too - eyes that see you as a person and not a cover/appliance.

Be brave - do what you know you need to do x

Dignified you are so spot on!

I was once married to him. He sounds like hes got Narc tendancies. Does he -

Have a massive porn collection
Bully people in the car
Make comments about womens apearences ie ugly fuck
Act differantly around freinds
Pretend hes something hes not
Is he greedy ?
Is one of his parents a wanker ( his mum ) ?
Does he change who he is acording to the company hes in
Does he sleep a lot , indulging in massive naps ?
Does he talk about himself in the third person?
Does he keep himself clean and tidy ?

I asume you feel you need him / desperateley want his aproval ( which he withholds ) find him very attractive / forgive him of anything / know deep down hes a twat / make excuses for him , tell him how to behave sometimes / sometimes feel a sense of dread ect ect.

We always hold hands when we go out together

No, he holds YOUR hand as he is making a public display " This is my woman " ( thumps chest ) yet he shows you no intimacy at home .