Is this a normal sex life???

[whatisnormality]

My husband and I have just had an argument about our sex life.... again

It has got to the point where we are on the verge of splitting up. He does not see that there is a problem and I feel like I'm going mad so wanted other people's thoughts.

Our sex life:

• Always initiated by me
• 90% of the time it is me pleasuring him with no reciprical action and he 'thanks' me afterwards
• Crunch time came at the weekend when I'd spent 50 minutes on foreplay (on him) and he suggested we go upstairs. Rather than have sex me, he got on all 4's so he could have some bum action?!
• Last night we were cuddling and although I knew he was up for it, as he knew I was upset by the weekend incident I refused to acknowledge it so he asked if (whilst we were cuddling) it was ok if he played with himself as he had a stiffie (I was gagging for it, as always but wanted him to initiate it just for once)

It's been like this for the past 10-11 yrs and we always talk about it and it's always my fault and I just end up mystified. Apparently I don't know what normal is and I patronise him.

He says that everything has to be perfect for me to want to have sex and if I go to bed wearing knickers or pyjamas it means I don't want it (even if I subsequently spend 50 minutes playing with him, I'm clearly not interested)

Is this really remotely normal???

youngblowfish - thank you and you're right, I just didn't realise it was him because although I often question things because he's always so insistant thatit's my fault I have just kind of accepted it. I'm not accepting it anymore. Since we started our code word, I'm using it constantly and on the few occassions he feels he can use it on me it's always actually him it should be used on and I'm telling him so. He's always said that no one else tells him they talk to him in this manner - perhaps it becuase he only does it to me!!

Early on in this thread someone said that it was textbook abuse and I honestly thought they were over reacting and being melodramatic and that he's a lovely man married to an annoying, expectant, irritating woman. It's an utter revelation to read about abusive relationships and realise that it is text book - he's not my lover he's my controller. He doesn't make me happy - he makes me miserable. He doesn't show me love - he makes me so insecure that I (literally) cling to him. Even though I've dreamt of divorce so often (and tried so often) he knows how to manipulate me. He knows that I don't want to hurt him. He knows the triggers that will make me feel guilty and want to make him happy again. Someone else said that it's almost like stockholm syndrome whereby you cling to and have an atachment to your abuser and it's true- I desperately want to make him happy.

Sorry for such long threads - it's just so therapeutic. I won't be able to post for the next week or so but will update when possible.

Thank you again to all posters from the bottom of my heart and I hope you all have a good weekend.

On a practical note, the first thing you must now do is start a running away fund. It would be wise to keep it either in cash stashed somewhere, or in a bank account perhaps in your brother's name.

When you divorce, all assets will be split (and debts) and you will need a full piggy bank, believe me.

And you know how he will try to manipulate you into giving the marriage another try when you do leave - you must put things in place so as to present him with a fait accompli. Have your solicitor ready, have somewhere to live, have the house valued, have your post redirected and put all the bills in his name. Make it very difficult for yourself, to go back to him.

I really admire the way you've come to realise all this. I think it's taken enormous courage and wisdom and strength.

OP, please don't fall for it, he is only acting nice so that you lose your confidence to leave him. He sounds just like my EXH and I fell for it for six years until I had a light bulb moment and kicked him out. Even after that he kept on phoning me and crying saying he would change but that time I meant it. Your DH is emotionally abusive, please do not fall for it

Thinking of you, OP. You are really doing so well, you've come such a long way. I think you do reach the point where the thought of turning back is far worse than continuing forwards. Hopefully you're now there. One step at a time. Hugs. I've been there.

I normally stay out of relationships but just HAD to post to say that there are men out there who will take you skiing and sing in the car with you.

I know this because I did it. My ExH was not abusive (I don't think) but we had non-existent sex life he insisted was normal, and never left the house, and was never intimate and it changed me and I became less of a person.

So I left.

And found someone who makes me sing again. And he fancies me. And we're going snowboarding next year.

Sorry, thats not supposed to be a boast! But I've been where you are, wondering if you could find someone else, not sure anyone will find you attractive, because if you're H doesn't who will? And now I'm out the other side.

Oh, and FWIW, I was happier for the 18 months I was single than I was with ExH. I could have stayed like that and been fine.

Godo luck!

What on earth made you say "if I'm as bad as my abusive father then who would ever love that"? You are not in any way like your father!

Like the others I'm so pleased by the change in your posts, you sound happy and excited about your future; I know there will be some wobbly times ahead but this is all positive in the end.

Keep singing! And, keep using this as a diary too, don't apologise for that! A diary that gives you support and encouragement... you didn't get that from the old paper ones!

So glad for you whatis! Yes please do keep using this as a diary/springboard for your thoughts and ideas. But unlike a diary we are all here rooting for you and are here to hold your hand when you need it I am happy to offer a virtual glass of wine when a cuppa just won't do

whatis - I know what you mean about wanting to be terminally ill. I used to drive and wish for the cars in the other lane to cross over and hit me. I thought about it all the time. I mean, I was so passive I couldn't even cause my own car crash, but I desperately wanted one, and at the time I couldn't see that it was because I was so unhappy with this guy and that was the only way my subconcious could find out.

Now my H and I are going through a VERY stressful time (life events, etc) but I don't ever wish for car crashes.

It will get better.

This may end abruptly as he might come home so I'll be quick and then won't be able to post for a week.

We had a massive argument this morning about something ridiculous. He was listening to the radio and they were talking about a terminally ill cancer patient writing a list of 100 things she wants her family to do after she dies. He told me this and I said that I've heard of lots of people doing that following Cecilia Aherne's book and subsequent film ps I love you.

He said that I was unfeeling and uncaring for saying that! I said I was just pointing out a fact and he sneered at me that 'sympathy is a wasted emotion' (I do say that). I told him that sympathy would not help a situation like that and that I did care, I was just making a comment. I also said that when someone is ill (ie when he had his mini flu) practical action is more effective than sympathy.

He said that I was being hard and a prickly pear. I then tried to explain to him that he was being unreasonale and attacking me for no reason to which he responded by saying that I was patronising him and talking to him in monotone (I probably was but was trying to calmly explain).

I then emailed him from work just ranting really and he emailed back that perhaps he shouldn't try and make conversation in the mornings.....

He's now not home from work and hadn't bothered to text or call letting me know when he'll be back - presumably because he knows it will stress me out and make me have to text or call him.

Sorry for ranting and I hate to ask this but was that comment uncaring and unfeeling??

He is a dick. Sorry, this last episode must surely show that? He took a very normal comment made by you & turned into an abusive episode to demean you.

Neither uncaring or unfeeling whatis--l said something myself this morning.

Don't call or text him-- this is just another method of hime controlling your actions.
Try not to question him about where he has been when he does come home, this will be taking the control back. and make him wonder....

You have sacrificed your own happiness and put his selfish needs and wants first for the last 15 years and he calls you uncaring and unfeeling? I certainly don't think any normal person could possibly describe you in that way.

I agree with maduggar, you had a difference of opinion which he managed to turn into an argument simply to make you question yourself and put yourself down. If anyone is uncaring it's him, not you.

Jittery, thank you for the practical advice. tbh I'd probably be better off financially if I just walked but I don't think I'm ready for that yet (I know if I try I won't do it quite yet). I do need to get a handle on the finances as they are out of control- we constantly spend to try and make ourselves happy - it's ridiculous.

Thank you marenmj - I thought I was just a bit weird but you're right it probably is my subconscious way of escape - it's good to know that someone else has been there as constantly wishing I wasn't here is something I certainly wouldn't tell anyone because I'd never do anything and it would just worry them that I might (if that makes sense). I hope things get better for you and your dh - but the fact that you're reacting differently in this relationship speaks volumes.

Winged - your life sounds lovely. I know that I would be happier single - i've realised that now. I just need the confidence to do it and do it permanently. I would also love someone to fancy me although I've kind of got to the stage where I can't imagine why a man would fancy a woman (i know how weird that sounds).

also, no more ranting, no displays of emotion whatis, stop them, now. He will always use them as an emotional lever.
If he starts up a stupid 'argument' like today, refuse to participate, simply say "I'm quite prepared to discuss things rationally with you, but not when you are like this" and then refuse to talk Simply refuse to be drawn into it. He cannot make you speak. When you feel he is more 'reasonable' then talk, when he goes off on one again, then stop. This gives YOU the power not him. YOU must start to dictate the terms of you relationship with this man.

His calling you uncaring and unfeeling is projection. Those are his traits in real life, not just in comment on a news story. Abusers often do this.
Whatis, you are seeing the lightbulbs come on one by one. Get strong and get out. Good luck.

Thank you guys - I didn't think I was being but still do feel unsure sometimes....

I sent him an email saying that he had been the one being unreasonable and that I was neither uncaring, hard, patronising, unfeeling or a prickly pear. I was just making a normal comment.

His exact response was

'perhaps I shouldn't speak at all in the morning: all I was doing was telling you about something I heard on the radio earlier. I was unaware it was common and in no way unique and furthermore it was probably a waste of both our times opening my mouth in the first place'.

I then responded ranting a little saying that I refused to apologise when I believe something is not my fault and he's sulking.

He responded 'Neither of us have time for this at the moment. I'm sure you are busy as well. Please decide what you want to do and let me know x'

There had been no kisses on the previous email.

It is him trying to turn it back into my fault and now he is playing a control game by being over 2 hours late home from work and not letting me know he's ok.

Sorry - rant over!!!

Thank you so much.

You're so right kitty - I was allowing myself to be amused and really don't know why I took the bait this morning.... perhaps I was just tired, stressed and fed up.

I'm so stupid to react.

Dione I'm starting to think he really is. It's amazing how much my perception of him has changed in the past few days. I've gone from really thinking that I was the problem to honestly believing that he is the one with issues and he is the one who starts arguments and he does try to constantly belittle me, ensure my opinions are worthless and make things that other people find endearing about me huge irritations.

AS I said DON'T respond DON'T get drawn in. DON"T try and rationalise/excuse what you said or felt, simply DON"T get pulled into that shit. If he says "well I'm now not going to do x,y and z s then" just say "ok that's your choice, if that's what you want, it's your decision" etc etc"
Remain calm, remain blank, no emotion.

Whatis - I just want to say how pleased I am that you are now starting to see the games he plays and the way he uses them to control you. If you know what he's doing it makes it easier not to be reeled in by it.

I'll bet wherever he is it's driving him mad that you haven't phoned to see where he is!

Whatis, do not feel stupid, you did nothing wrong. He commented, you commented he reacted in an accusitory way to belittle you. This is not about accepting bait, it is about you seeing his actions for the abuse that they are. You are on a learning curve and you are doing well. Each time something like this happens you learn. What you are learning now is that he is disrespecting you, what he is expecting you to learn is not to contradict him. You will have many more experiences, but you now know and when you are wobbling, you have us to help you out. Big Hugs.

Just popping my head round the door to agree with other posters, really. It's so hard to handle this calmly and you are doing BRILLIANTLY.

You are seeing through his contradictions and mind games so clearly now. He is grasping at straws by trying to undermine your confidence, twisting your words and labelling you. You don't have to accept anything he says at face value.

Don't rise to it, don't engage, don't take the bait. Easy to say, harder to do, but keep saying your mantra. Every time you doubt him rather than yourself you win a bit of yourself back.

When he does come back, you need to behave as if nothing has happened and stay very calm. It'll confuse the hell out of him.

Good morning all - this will be my final message for a week as the computers off to the pc doctor.

I was doing so well last night. He came home at about 9 o clock and was just kind of drifting obviously waiting for me to ask questions,hug him, make his dinner etc and I just looked up and said hi.

It was quite amusing really. He played the woe is me face for an hour and said things like he was hungry (I hadn't cooked for him as I didn't know if he'd be back - obviously previously I always would have and would have waited for him). I advised him there was a pizza in the fridge for him. He kept wandering over to the kitchen for the next hour but didn't make any effort to make his dinner. It got to 10p.m and I kind of gave in I'm afraid. I gave him a quick hug and asked if he was hungry, he said he was so I just made it. I know I shouldn't have but he was looking so miserable and I hate that kind of atmosphere.

Next time I will be stronger and if he wants to be petty he can go without (both attention and food) but just broke this time. it's all a learning curve though.

I hope you all have a good week and will update when the pc is back.

x

Well you know theres nothing wrong with being nice because YOU chose too. What you did, cook for him, was because you wanted to and not because he forced you. There is a huge difference there.
There are no rules that say you can't be nice to him.
It's about you being in control and knowing who you are and what you want.
Look forward to hearing your updates in a week

Not sure if anything I can say will help, but I've been through this, and have now been on my own for 18 months.
You'll be fine. My life is now genuinely magical. I don't have another fella yet, but it's such a joy just BEING.
Get yourself a little house, and focus on work and your friends, and being happy.
I wish you all the happiness you deserve. Life is very short. Make some positive decisions for yourself. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and there are so many wonderful people in the world you can spend your time with.
Take care.

Late to the thread.

Any news OP?

Hope you've had some progress and are ok.