Is this a normal sex life???

[whatisnormality]

My husband and I have just had an argument about our sex life.... again

It has got to the point where we are on the verge of splitting up. He does not see that there is a problem and I feel like I'm going mad so wanted other people's thoughts.

Our sex life:

• Always initiated by me
• 90% of the time it is me pleasuring him with no reciprical action and he 'thanks' me afterwards
• Crunch time came at the weekend when I'd spent 50 minutes on foreplay (on him) and he suggested we go upstairs. Rather than have sex me, he got on all 4's so he could have some bum action?!
• Last night we were cuddling and although I knew he was up for it, as he knew I was upset by the weekend incident I refused to acknowledge it so he asked if (whilst we were cuddling) it was ok if he played with himself as he had a stiffie (I was gagging for it, as always but wanted him to initiate it just for once)

It's been like this for the past 10-11 yrs and we always talk about it and it's always my fault and I just end up mystified. Apparently I don't know what normal is and I patronise him.

He says that everything has to be perfect for me to want to have sex and if I go to bed wearing knickers or pyjamas it means I don't want it (even if I subsequently spend 50 minutes playing with him, I'm clearly not interested)

Is this really remotely normal???

Opener of jars - good idea. Much easier than secretly taking the pill when he suggests ttc (which inevitably will be his next step in now he has twigged something's changed).

Injection might be easier: not sure if you can see the implant or if it needs a bandage over it after insertion.

Either way, stops you worrying, no? I wouldn't trust him with condoms, OP.

Good morning all

I hope everyone had a good weekend.

Firstly apologies for the long delay in responding - it's been a long weekend.

Dh has genuinely been really ill - I got home at 1.30am (long day!) on wednesday morning (Tuesday night?) desperate to go to bed and heard him groaning upstairs!!! He was literally burning up and going hot and cold and tbh I was really worried about him overnight so needed to get him cold cloths and water etc.

Oddly, his temperature was back to normal the following day although he's been feeling really grotty all weekend.

We spent yesterday discussing our situation and I told him that I'd been seeing a counsellor (the one I'd spoken to previously) and that she had told me that was emotionally abusive.

Interestingly he listened to what I said and agreed that it was correct and seemed genuinely upset to realise this. He actually said that he'd had problems in previous relationships so it couldn't all be me!!!!!
I feel so releived that it's out on the open and astonished that he has admitted to it and I don't feel so stupid for considering it before - I thought he was just a grumpy man.

I also saw my brother and showed him this thread (very embarassing -sorry for spelling!). He wants me to move in with him as does the only other friend I've told. I'm not sure what to do now as he has admitted to it and agreed to sole and joint couselling. From when we'd discussed it yesterday, we had a code for whenever he was doing it and literally every minute or so the code word was mentioned and he really was considering his actions each and every time. He also apologised for being such a 'git'

You're all right that my previous job gave me no independence (I walked to and from so didn't need a car), mental stimulation and it never made me question his behaviour whereas one of the issues in our relationship in recent years is that I have questioned his behaviour (Albeit never acted on it).

Work wise, he's a middle manager (medium sized company) and has recently reduced his hours as he was finding it too stressful. I work in a job that involves reasonably long hours and moderate travel but certainly earn enough to live alone (without his excessive spending).

I've got to go now but have so much to think about my head's spinning.... I also confronted my father to some degree yesterday (I told him that the emails he'd been sending me during the week were unacceptable and designed just to upset me) and although he didn't concur, eventually he decided that the item he was telling me was my fault was in fact my brothers fault?! (it wasn't his fault either but at least he said it wasn't just me).

Got to go but will update soon.

Thank you!

Whatis, just because you've told him about it and he's expressed remorse doesn't mean he's going to be OK now. In fact, right now he's likely to put on the charm offensive, but if he's true to form then the good times will end eventually and the selfishness and control will return. It's totally unprecedented from my time on MN (6 years) for someone like him to change, so please remember that.

I would suggest taking your brother up on his offer, get some perspective on the situation at a distance from your husband where you can clear your head.

I agree. Great that you've cleared the air and it's all out in the open, but you should still be packing your bags this week and moving in with your brother asap.

I sense you're falling for another load of old bollocks. It's all just a ploy to keep you where he wants you.
He won't change - bullies and controllers never do. They just find another victim. When you aren't there it will be the cat. The next thing, the cat will suddenly have an accident.
Then it will be you.
Pack your bags this weekend, unless you want this tosser sitting on your face for a very long time.

He is just scared of losing you. At this point he will probably agree to anything.You will have a very good period now, I predict before he steps up the abuse, when he is certain he has you back to rubbing his hands and licking his arse without question.

You know, you are the boss of your destiny. By now your head should have stopped spinning.

Please don't fall for it!

whatis, it's not as easy as us saying "Don't fall for it this, it is just a charm offensive, move out," because it IS all of these things, everyone is right.
However, I think you need to discover this for yourself.
I know that what you really really want to happen is that your dh sees the light and changes, permanently, forever and there will be no more hurt.

Wouldn't that be brilliant?

Of course it would and every single one of us wants that for you too, honestly we do. Experience, however, tells us this is very unlikely. Experience tells us that he will show remorse, whatever he needs to show in order to stop you moving away and then when your guard is down the old behaviour will start up again, slowly and subtly as it did before.

But these are decisions you have to make, for yourself. You have to do what you need to do in the time frame that you need to do it in.

Keep this thread in mind though. Best of luck to you

Leopard, spots. Run for the hills. And please take the cat with you to your brother's (he sounds fab, BTW).

Ask yourself - can you live in a sexless marriage? And you say if you don't initiate sex, there wouldn't be any. You say you can't be without but sounds like you already are. Sorry honey! If you just cry afterwards, then that is just wrong. Also, your DH has asked you NOT to initiate? WTF?! Really, I don't think you need our answers, you must know deep down that this can't work. You need to give him an altimatum...go for counselling (this way you will either work things out or find out the real problem behind your DH) OR get rid. Sorry to sound so harsh but think of yourself for once cos it sure as hell sounds like you only put him first (and he only puts him first too).

sorry added to wrong post lol

Ermmm sorry - my pc is playing up and just saw different threads above my reply but now it is normal!!

Agreed. You deserve HUMUNGOUS congratulations, though, whatis! Fantastic, huge strides forward. It takes guts to shine a light on all this stuff, and you've done it wonderfully :)

It will be interesting to hear how your relationship with your brother develops from this. There must be a few dark corners he'd like to light up as well. However things move along, you know they will move now, and it's thanks to you. I hope you'll keep posting (and seeing your counsellor)! xx

WIN, I've been watching your thread since it began and agree that your relationship with this man sounds abusive.

Please be careful, your DP is suddenly sounding very reasonable, (his behaviour sounds like the opposite of what I would have expected his response to be to your discussions).

Counselling only works if you are open to it and want to change.

Please ask yourself, why would he want to change? You see it as your duty to keep him happy, physically, emotionally and sexually to the detriment of you mental state and self-esteem.

Why would he want to change that?

What I'm trying to say is I don't think he wants to change, I think he's trying to trick you.

Listen to your brother, he is probably one of the few people who has your best interests as a priority in all of this. Move in with him or your friend.

I personally think you should turn your back on your DH. Sorry to be so rude as to presume to tell you what to do, but I have never seen a relationship that appeared so black and white, a leopard doesn't change it's spots. Please don't be taken in by him.

Moved in with your brother and say goodbye to this man.

...for yourself and your future.

I echo itsgrace in saying huge congrats on getting this far and talking to your brother and friend, this will be an enormous step forward for you.
But I definitely agree with kittywise - you need to discover for yourself that people like him follow a textbook pattern and will promise the earth and swear to change in an effort to keep you emotionally 'trapped'. He is reeling you back in and you might have a few days where things improve slightly, but it never ever continues long term. All the people chipping in here with brief posts urging you to leave now do mean well (they want to spare you the to-ing and fro-ing of leaving, promising to change, leaving again, promising to change, leaving... etc over the next few months/couple of years) but I expect they may make you feel defensive about him ("he said he'll change and I believe him, this is different!").
Keep up with your individual counselling, read the links/books recommended about these types of relationships, don't let him trick you, and we all hope you find the courage to break free - if not this time then very soon.

I understand your need to try at this relationship.

Could you write in a diary a checklist for a future date (or more) 3 month/6 month etc

Then check that list and promise yourself to address any issues that are a problem.

VLKS, she's already given it 15 years...

WIN - I have read this from the very beginning and as soon as i read the OP, I got a cold feeling inside. You have done so well it really is amazing how far you've come in a matter of weeks. Isn't it amazing how "faceless entities" in cyberspace can support you?

When you wrote your OP, it was during the 1st week that I had split with XDP. I too had had some doubts during the relationship, but there were some unforgivable acts that I would rather not mention here and have only mentioned to 2 of my friends since. Once I voiced the facts of what happened, it made me realise how dire my situation had become and how serious it could become if I didn't get out when i did. It took alot of strength, determination and being a bit of a cow on my part so that he would move out. I am a bit of a coward in that respect, that I don't like to be the one to end it.

My post is this now (as I have just realised I was about to turn it into a post about me!! :)) Please be very careful with him now. He sounds, to me, like a very calculating man and if he has managed this far to break you down emotionaly be very prepared that what is to come will be worse. I really don't want to frighten you, but I do want you to realise what is to come. He WILL try and make you think that everythign that has happened in the relationship is your fault, he WILL try and make you stay and if you do, he WILL try and make you feel guilty at every turn.

I know you will find the strength to get through this, as I have, and believe me once you're out of that abusive situation a weight will be off your shoulders.

Lots of un-MN love

just wanted to add, that a trick we learned at boarding school to give yourself a high temperature was to put soap under your arms.
Good for manipulating nuns and wives!

Hi all

Thank you for all of your recent messages and sorry I haven't posted much.

I don't really know how I'm feeling at the moment. My husband is being rather good humoured about everything despite my constant reminders of his unacceptable behaviour (I seem to use our code word all the time!!). I haven't seen much of him as I've been working long hours so haven't been home much.

I do keep wondering if I'm over reacting and making a big deal about nothing and then remember all of the comments and words of advise you have all given and realise that he is unreasonable. I have looked up the links and websites that have been posted and I do recognise many of the behaviours. The worrying thing though is that I also display some of the behaviours although always in self defense so not sure if that counts or if perhaps I'm equally abusive??? For example when we have argued previously I've told him that he wouldn't be able to find another partner like me. I've also in the heat of the moment made nasty comments about his parents (again after goading and him saying things about mine). I think that I think about things too much which is why I'm still here.

Kingbeat23 - you're so right about support - it's absolutely amazing that so many people who don't know me can be bothered to take the time and effort to respond to this thread - I will be eternally grateful for that support as I honestly felt like I was going mad.

I'm torn between trying to make things work and giving us the opportunity to change versus giving up and leaving after so many years of a destructive relationship. Despite him recognising that he has been a 'git', other than being more helpful around the house (and actually cooking dinner again?!) his attitude hasn't really changed. Tonight, I got home and was on the phone to a friend (the first chance I've had to speak to her all week) and he told me to 'take it upstairs'. I then hung up and was in the kitchen singing and he shushed me (i.e made a noise for me to be quiet - sorry about spelling). Are these not just pretty minor (grumpy) things and reasonably normal???

Sorry for waffling - I've gone from being pretty decisive to completely undecided what to do. He's been trying in many ways (for example he stroked my arm earlier and made dinner) and it may be possible that he didn't realise how he has been behaving.

They're pretty shit things to do when you're trying to be nice - the phone & singing stuff is what would happen in most households when they're having a rough time!

Don't worry about your 'abuse' - it's an understandable reaction to feeling downtrodden & confused for so long, and you're nowhere near as bad as I was Look up abuse + FLEAS if you're worried. (It's called fleas because you catch them from an infected household animal!)

Now you're reading the links about dysfunctional partners, here are some more positive ones:
of healthy relationships - how many of these does HE do for YOU?
in Relationships
is a healthy relationship - for BPD sufferers

Now you know where you're heading :)

Good to see you posting.

His logic is flawed. If he is abusive, because you are abusive, then surely you need to break the pattern and split, not stay together!

I dont think you are abusive, btw. I think he is a manipulative prick, and you a lovely and strong woman with a long and happy life ahead of her. (If you move on that is - fingers crossed)

Oh, and his behaviour is still shit.

If I am on the phone, my husband tiptoes around me to ensure he does not disturb me.

If I am singing and cooking, he will ask why I am so cheerful, and if he does not like the noise, he would never shush me, but close the door to his study and leave me to it!