Is this a normal sex life???

[whatisnormality]

My husband and I have just had an argument about our sex life.... again

It has got to the point where we are on the verge of splitting up. He does not see that there is a problem and I feel like I'm going mad so wanted other people's thoughts.

Our sex life:

• Always initiated by me
• 90% of the time it is me pleasuring him with no reciprical action and he 'thanks' me afterwards
• Crunch time came at the weekend when I'd spent 50 minutes on foreplay (on him) and he suggested we go upstairs. Rather than have sex me, he got on all 4's so he could have some bum action?!
• Last night we were cuddling and although I knew he was up for it, as he knew I was upset by the weekend incident I refused to acknowledge it so he asked if (whilst we were cuddling) it was ok if he played with himself as he had a stiffie (I was gagging for it, as always but wanted him to initiate it just for once)

It's been like this for the past 10-11 yrs and we always talk about it and it's always my fault and I just end up mystified. Apparently I don't know what normal is and I patronise him.

He says that everything has to be perfect for me to want to have sex and if I go to bed wearing knickers or pyjamas it means I don't want it (even if I subsequently spend 50 minutes playing with him, I'm clearly not interested)

Is this really remotely normal???

Checking in, hope you're okay.

I too am hoping for an update, wondering what is going on.

Whatisnormality, you have given him far too many years of your life. I hope you don't give him one week more.

I'd like to see you move on and enjoy life, and some day find a man who will make you deliriously happy!

You mentioned sex tapes. I think you should get every one and destroy them. Maybe tear out tape and shred it. Could they be on CD? Can you shred a CD??

Any shredder that does credit cards can shred cd's

Just checking in too, have been thinking of you

I really feel for you. A friend has just come out of a marriage for similar reasons. She was constantly feeling sexually rejected and she tells me that this totally knocked her confidence in all areas of her life - it's a pretty fundmental need to feel wanted and presumably even more damaging when not only are you not single (with the hope of meeting someone soon) but you are feeling this way trapped in a marriage with no optimism that it will change. It's not only about sex - it seems to be a problem fundamentally with the power dynamics of your relationship. If you can't get him to go to councelling, go yourself if only to get some thinking space, some outside perspective and some strength to know that your needs are very valid and not to be ignored. I hope you work something out that allows you to be happy, whatever the outcome. x

Good morning

I'm so sorry I haven't had a chance to check in - I literally haven't had a chance to turn on the computer.

On Tuesday morning (the night after we discussed living separately) he texted to say that he thinks we can work things out and he does love me (no mention of previous nights conversation) He has done this before - we discuss it, have an emotionally draining evening and then the next day he's 'forgotten' our conversation or re-writes it. Usually I am too exhausted to even consider broaching the subject again.

I was going to discuss it that night but when I got home (quite late) he was really ill (temp of 103.5). He's still ill so absolutely nothing has happened and I'm absolutely shattered after the last couple of days (sleep deprivation!!)

As a result of the above I haven't spoken to any rl friends about it. I don't really talk on the phone in the evenings and have been busy with work.

I have been viewing our relationship through different eyes the past week or so. I can actually pin point when things started to go wrong and that was (10 years ago?!) when I started working in a more professinal capactiy (previously I worked in a cafe and dry cleaners) - ironically, we have previously said that our relationship would be better if I'd never moved into a more stressful job.

Larry's view actually do cover what I have been thinking the last few years: that's it's worth working on, that he's just grumpy etc..... I have now realised that I don't want to be a shadow anymore - it would be great to be happy (which I haven't been for years).

That said, I guess the type of things that reinforce this type of behaviour (not the sexual but the grumpy controlling behaviour) are things like television. We watched Midsommer murder the other night on television and there were 2 clearly disfunctional relationships and the third relationship was inspector barnaby and his wife and even their relationship was one based on him being right and her being mocked for asserting her views - she even apologised at the end of the show and promised she wouldn't behave like that again when she had been right the whole time....

I'm sorry this is reasonably short, he's awake now so I need to go and may not have a chance to post for a couple of days.

Thank you to everyone who's posted on this thread - you have made me re-evaluate the situation and given me the courage to realise that actually when I do leave it isn't all my own fault (which is what I've been made to feel on previous attempts).

X

When I left my abusive ex he had two epsiodes of illness. First one saw me running around late at night fetching drugs etc

Second one (he was too ill to work and didn't get paid when off sick) I just saw a red flag and told him he could have our house and all the equity and anything else in my life of financial value but I was not resuming our relationship ever and not looking after him.

He recovered and went back to work immediately. It was then I realised I'd had weeks of the manipulative behaviour to get me to stay involved.
Then when he accepted it was over he turned nasty.

Police etc

The weeks of manipulative behaviour really wore me down. Just be wary.

Whilst your sympathy is being induced now (and he is probably poorly) keep remembering the rest of it. When he is well again and feels he has ensnared, you the old DH will be back

WhatIs, I'm very late to your thread and have only skim read it.

The advice you have been given is so good and I can't add to it, but I can be another voice who says, you WILL be fine and there IS another way.

So much of the behaviour is classic emotional abuse and you are worh so much more than this.

I eventually managed to leave my marriage (having struggled with many of the emotions you mention and frankly resigned to the fact I would never have another relationship because I'd failed SO badly)

Lovely, it's not like that and when you have moved out of this stifling relationship you will see how much you ARE worth.

Lastly, my lovely sister who I'd always thought saw me as a bit flighty and patheitc about not seeing people's faults said to me about my marriage breakdown:

'You're not weak because you stayed, you're the sort of person who has more patience with others for their fault, you're the person I know who is most willing to fogive and forget, why would you see that as a weakness? I can't forgive people - that's a weakness'

Hope that helps and good luck

He's a bloody selfish patient if you don't get to sleep for two days just because he's ill. My DS is unwell today but he doesn't have me running round after him. I may bring him a drink later or he may come down and get his own. And he's a child. Your so-called man is pathetic. If he does need ongoing day-night care he should be in a hospital, but I bet he's just playing up. I've come across two types of man when it comes to illness: the stupidly stoical, who swear it's just a scratch when their arm's hanging off, and the total wimp who collapses on the sofa at the first sign of a sniffle, calling weakly for chicken soup. Both are bloody annoying and shouldn't be pandered to. (Sympathetic soul ain't I?)

ps Didn't I say he would have a change of heart over the moving out thing? Didn't I? Eh? And someone else predicted the illness iirc. A thing women have said on here before is when they rang Women's Aid, they were astonished that the lady on the phone could tell them exactly what their OH was going to say and do next. Because it's so bloody predictable. He's running a script here, the unwritten Abuser's Charter. Luckily, there are enough people who've seen it played out before who can alert you to what comes next and how not to be sucked in indefinitely.

pps It wouldn't matter even if it were your "fault" if you leave. Nobody has a right to keep another person in a relationship they don't want to be in.

One of the difficulties is that if you are in a co dependent relationship, and have been for years, and you are someone who identifies themselves as being the loving, caring, sympathetic one, then it is going to be extremely difficult to go straight to hating your partner.

So I expect that for a while you will keep trying to forgive him or make excuses for his horrendous behaviour. That's Ok as long as you keep working on getting out. You can realise what a total shit he is and all the good times that he has stopped you from having in due course. What you must keep in your head is that this relationship cannot continue. It is not your fault in the slightest, but so what if it were? Do you think that anyone should stay in a relationship which they have tried, unsuccessfully, to make work for 15 years?

For now maybe you should just concentrate on the fact that you can't live like this and that you need to move on. The anger can and will come later.

Fwiw this illness seems awfully convenient. I agree that if he is so ill that he needs round the clock care then he should be in hospital. Even if he is ill it sounds like he is using it as an excuse to get you running around.

On a slightly different note, I expect that a lot of what you think may be 'your fault' is nothing much and certainly not worth any amount of self flagellation.

My ex used to get so angry with me for being absent minded, which I am. It took me ages to realise that forgetting your keys now and again is not the crime of the century. One day DH said to me, after I practically threw myself down on the ground to beg forgiveness,
'you know I really don't care if you are in a bit of daydream from time to time. In fact it is quite endearing. I love you for x,y and z, not whether or not you remember to pick up some milk, so can you just stop apologising etc etc.

Just saying

Stay strong and talk to rl people when you can. It will take some guts but it's such a crucial next step

Good luck and thanks for posting again. I keep thinking and worrying about you!

Dont be surprised either if he suddenly decidedes he wants a baby and to be a family ect .

I'm guessing there was a hot cup of tea around when he took his temperature. And I bet he hasn't asked for the doctor, has he?

I would def say he sounds gay to me.

Yes. He is going to wake up from his "illness" and say something like "Darling, you have looked after me so well, I am realizing what a good mother you will be. Isnt it time for us to start a family?"

And then you will be trapped for good.
With a pathetic controlling twat of a man, who will demand more attention than your child, and amuse himself with staring down his baby and shouting "go to your room".

Be careful.

For me, a temperature of 103.5 usually results in hospitalization, especially if it comes on suddenly. Doesn't seem real to me, and like others I suspect it's all a con to get you running around, OP.

I was ill recently, had a day off work with flu-like symptoms. I just wanted to be left alone, and spent time in bed. I did NOT need anyone looking after me, and would NOT have appreciated dp depriving himself of sleep.

I agree that his illness is very convenient. Even if he is ill, why can't he get on with it like everyone else does?I recently had food poisoning and a temp of almost 40c, and was telling DH to stop worrying and fussing over me!
Can anyone tell me what that temp 103.5 is in Centigrade?

It is nearly 40 degrees, I think.

When dh had that, he was not hard work at all. He was asleep all the time, aside from having some water, youghurt, medicine, and crawling to the toilet.

When I was ill with pneumonia, I was so out of it, dh barely noticed I was home. (Though, he had two kids to look after on his own, so he was plenty busy with them)

If he is so ill he has a temperature at 103.5, yet have the energy to place demands on you, he is not really ill at all.

Call his bluff. Sit with him while he measures his temperature, and make sure he does not stick it in his tea, or up a lightbulb.

Then if it is high give him some paracetamol and tell him to get on with it

I agree that seems he's milking this well-timed illness .

However, even if it is genuine, you need to stay strong whatis.

You can be happy

Yes has he seen the doctor? I have never known any of my family need round the clock care, unless at the point when they have to be taken to hospital. TBH if he is that ill then you really need to call the doctor out or drive him there (and accompany him to hear what's said look after him. You are not qualified to look after him (unless a doc yourself and even then). How on earth is he managing when you're out at work?

I just want to give you a magic pair of truth glasses so you can look at him and see the whiny, clingy, manipulating, self-pitying toad who has sat on your life for so long :(

Love the fact that you're getting your inspiration from Midsomer Murders though :) Have you called Women's Aid? You could just give them a ring and describe a few behaviours and ask what they think?

Hi Whatis - thanks for updating, I've been checking regularly for an update as your story has really haunted me.

It is so good to hear you are starting to see that a happy future is one which does not include your husband. A happy future can absolutely be a reality for you. Life need not be miserable or dead - it can be as excellent as you allow it to be.

Is there a diagnosis for your husband's high temperature - has he a cold, food poisining etc? It is not unusual for emotional issues to present themselves as physical symptoms. I'd imagine your husband has realised your awakening and the temperature is symptomatic of his panic.

Keep taking the small steps. Keep talking about him moving out. Keep visualising your future happy self.

Please, please do not get pregnant to this man, you would simply be ensuring your child's future misery.

Keep looking forward. I'll keep thinking of you and praying for you.

I really hope that you keep on with mumsnet - the advice and support on here from other women who have been there and worn the t-shirt is just amazing.

Whatis - can I ask what happens when you're ill? Does he suddenly become caring and loving, providing round the clock care doing anything he can to make you feel better?
Or is it played down until he convinces you there's nothing wrong or you just have to get on with it?

My guess is it's probably not the first answer.

"we have previously said that our relationship would be better if I'd never moved into a more stressful job."
That is because he thinks you should be at home, available as often as possible as his personal domestic and bedroom slave. He feels threatened by your professional job, which you didn't have when you met him, because of your outside contacts, mental stimulation and good income. But if you gave up the job to spend more time 'making him happy' (ie being moaned at and criticized, whatever you do, as per the last 15 years) it would not work - he will never be satisfied. Blaming it on your job is also just another way of his to blame it all on you, make you feel guilty that any relationship problems are all your fault.
I'm not saying you don't have a stressful job - you obviously do, and this can of course impact on home life, for anyone - but don't let him tell you that the solution is to go back to your less intellectually demanding and lower earning roles, thus giving him even more control of your life - and lowering your self-esteem even further.
You don't have to answer this but I just wondered what you both do? The other day you said that you worked for 12 hours but he did just 4 hours, and still expected you to have cooked tea for him (outrageous - but good on you for not doing it).
This job independence ties in with the pleas by everyone else not to let him to convince you to have a baby together. If he suggests you give up your job and start a family, you would feel really stuck - at home, no financial independence, with a (d)h who does not appreciate the vast no. of hours of attention that you have to give a baby/child. And you'd be back at square one in no time, but even worse off, and with a poor baby whose father resented it.
Also just to say that counselling would be great as understanding the dynamics of this relationship properly will help you to avoid falling into the same traps again in future. You don't want to meet someone similar in a few years' time - as although this is not at all normal, unfortunately your (d)h is not the only emotionally abusive man out there (as you know - your poor mother and MIL are testament to that).
I hope you are ok this week at work and at home; is dh still sick? Best wishes, there are so many people out here thinking of you.

Glad to see I'm not the only one who thought "nah, he's clearly sticking the thermometer in his tea". I bet my shoes he's not ill enough to want the doc called out (I'll feel reasonably dreadful now if it turns out it was something serious and medical).

Would you consider getting the contraceptive injection or implant, if you haven't already, to help you stay focused and avoid clouding the issue with an unexpected baby?