Is this a normal sex life???

[whatisnormality]

My husband and I have just had an argument about our sex life.... again

It has got to the point where we are on the verge of splitting up. He does not see that there is a problem and I feel like I'm going mad so wanted other people's thoughts.

Our sex life:

• Always initiated by me
• 90% of the time it is me pleasuring him with no reciprical action and he 'thanks' me afterwards
• Crunch time came at the weekend when I'd spent 50 minutes on foreplay (on him) and he suggested we go upstairs. Rather than have sex me, he got on all 4's so he could have some bum action?!
• Last night we were cuddling and although I knew he was up for it, as he knew I was upset by the weekend incident I refused to acknowledge it so he asked if (whilst we were cuddling) it was ok if he played with himself as he had a stiffie (I was gagging for it, as always but wanted him to initiate it just for once)

It's been like this for the past 10-11 yrs and we always talk about it and it's always my fault and I just end up mystified. Apparently I don't know what normal is and I patronise him.

He says that everything has to be perfect for me to want to have sex and if I go to bed wearing knickers or pyjamas it means I don't want it (even if I subsequently spend 50 minutes playing with him, I'm clearly not interested)

Is this really remotely normal???

It IS incredibly hard to leave an abusive relationship when you've known nothing else, FFS she's not even allowed to use the computer without him checking up on it!!

I am just so sad at her treatment by him and the cat too, I would just love to invite them both over for respite here if I could!!

OP, I presume you have a public library in your area? I'm sure they have computers there where you could google the very good links provided and womens aid, etc.

Also, get a prepaid cheap mobile so you can phone when necessary - CAB, women's aid, lawyer, etc - , and hide it from him!
Open up an account in your name only where you can start to save for your "leaving fund", hide (or copy) passport and important documents you may need, etc.
(leave them at your brother/girlfriend's).

Whatis'
I never had a chance to check back until now but that has allowed me to read all the posts since Friday night.
It seems everyone can see you are in the wrong place however I know how hard it is to walk away (after 20 years together, happy times and sad times, there was deterioration and I knew I had to leave - though my story is mild in comparison).
I quite agree with those here that say his behavioural change is in response to threat and is not to be trusted
There is so much I want to say about his behaviour but it has already been said many times in this thread already.
To walk away, most people need some support from somewhere, someone they can rely on, someone they can share their fears with - before, during and after. Only a few of us can make choices like that without such support. However you may be one of those unique people who can make that choice and take that action without that.
Considering what you have been going through and still seeming to keep your sanity intact, then being able to come on here and open up - I am thinking you may be stronger than you realise!
Whilst most people think you should leave - It IS up to you. However: You will have to decide how you want to spend the rest of your life.
I hope that thought will inform your decisions.
I do think that you have got to a point where you accept or create excuses for all the 'bad' he does to maintain the status quo as we nearly all have this 'out of the frying pan into the fire' fear.
I would also suggest you consider the captives stories in the news recently - the Austrian and the American ones. Those women were held against their will and mistreated yet there was a bond formed with the captors. (At this moment I forget the name of the syndrome).
Can you confide in someone you know has a sound and stable relationship / marriage?
A (very) long face to face may help reinforce the responses you are getting here.

From my own small experience (and it seems from many fellow posters), taking such a step as to leave is not the end of the world. Shifting a great weight is hard to start but once it's actually moving it becomes easier.

One final thought for now - my opinion (and that is all it is) is that one has to decide totally. Taking time out / trial separation / etc. does not work. I found that things gradually went back to how they were.
Please keep us all posted on how you are doing and what you decide.
I am sure everyone wants the best for you.

Caringsoul, the syndrome is called Stockholm Syndrome.

Whatis; we are all waiting to hear from you to know you are ok x

Hope you're okay this morning whatis

Good morning, I'm so sorry I wasn't able to post yesterday.

I will leave a longer message a little later as he'll be down in a second.

It wasn't the time to speak to my friend yesterday as her friend who's terminally ill with cancer has just been taken to hospital and it doesn't sound like he's coming out. He'll be the 12th person (who I know well) in just over 2 years that's passed away at a ridiculously young age and I guess that's what really gets you thinking life's too short.

Things have moved slightly this end and I've just read all of the responses since yesterday and some really interesting and thought provoking posts.

I honestly never thought he was abusive or controlling until friday, a little selfish but overall lovely caring man and I've really started to re-evaluate.

My poor darling cat - you are all absolutely right. It isn't normal behaviour - I just assumed he had a different sense of humour that he somehow found it amusing. The sadest thing is that I've seen my cat do exactly what I do - he nuzzles up to him (although interestingly dh says he only comes near him when I'm around and pretends they're friends to make me jealous - perhaps he's only secure when I'm around?) and desperately wants his love. He's a darling little thing and I love him so much (he is a little neurotic but was treated awfully by his previous owners).

I only saw him briefly yesterday and had the usual nagging about what I cooked (I have noticed it before but never realised it was so consistent). Yesterday he had 4 little digs about dinner: 1) Oh they're little bits of meat (they were 2 single gammon steaks that cost over £2 each so were perfectly reasonale sizes) 2) Gosh that's a healthy dinner isn't it? (he hates overly healthy dinners so was his way of saying it wasn't really good enough), I actually responded and said not really, mashed potatoe with butter isn't that healthy and his next one 3) Oh there's actually butter in them this time? (I never make it without but somehow it's still always dry?) and then 4) Is it lumpy mash love (to which I responded I don't know) and then the ahhh (as though it's an endearing thing) it is!!!

Added to that other little niggles yesterday whilst I was cooking (apparently I was barking at him like the cat - which again I pointed out that I had actually made a reasonable comment in a reasonable voice) and then he said the best one which was 'Oh that's right I can never do anything right' (that's when I 'barked' actually dear, it's me who can never do anything right) and this was said because I knocked a pepper pot out of the cupboard and was told that I needed to be a little more careful as we can't afford to keep replacing things can we..... (and yet HE can't do anything right??!!!).

He knows somethings wrong and is responding in the best way which is to withdraw and positive reinforcement and keep himself to himself. I have found myself desperate to try and make him feel better (I think he may actually have been crying in bed last night) however tbh the result of making him feel better makes me feel too sick to contemplate that I just left him on his side of the bed whilst I cuddled my cat (who was happy to have my love).

We discussed living seperately yesterday and I have started looking at flats for him to move into (he actually said that may not be such a bad idea) so things are moving.

I'm sorry I haven't had a chance to respond to individual threads and may not have a chance to post/check again today as I'm hoping to get to the hospital.

Thank you again for all of you support and apologies this was so long!

Good to hear from you whatis, glad you are ok.

I understand your desperation to want to make him feel better but please stay strong, you're doing really well seeing him in a different way. And good on you for cuddling the cat instead, it deserves your love far more than he does!

he should find his own flat

stop mummying him

I recognise your turmoil and compassion for a man that you thought you were in a loving relationship with

You were in an unhealthy relationship and it's not making either of you happy.

When you part he will rant quite possibly or sob or really turn tricks to make you feel guilty....... but don't cave in.

Shortly after leaving he will be apparently happy and going around with new g/f telling friends a list of your faults (e.g. cooking) and how he is best off without you

Get through the painful parting. Feel no guilt and carry the promise of happiness and a secure loving relationship being a possibility in the future.

I agree with AF because once you have found him a flat he will just blame you forever about the location/design/style...whatever

Let him do it and find what he needs. He is an adult

You need to move on without any ties

I am glad you are beginning to see his little digs for what they are. Yet sad that you are living through this.
However, think about your reasons for finding a flat for him. Is it because you want to make sure he actually leaves the sooner the better? Or is it because you are still mummying him?

I agree he will probably complain about the flat, if you find one for him, and he actually moves.

But, once he has left, it will be up to HIM to find himself a different flat. He can sort himself out. You just tell him "sorry the flat was not to your liking, you can just find another flat yourself".

Do you think he will sabotage his moving out if he is to find the flat himself? Ie, keep "looking and looking" (whilst not really looking) and drag it out?

Meanwhile, get legal advice regards to divorce, just to see where you stand.

If he just moves out quietly without having a "change of heart" (and without having another woman lined up) I shall eat my trousers.

I will help you Annie. I can provide some seasoning.

"We discussed living seperately yesterday and I have started looking at flats for him to move into (he actually said that may not be such a bad idea) so things are moving."

I wonder if he was just trying to make you panic at the thought of him being able to leave you so easily? I bet when it comes to it he doesn't. As the others have said he'll complain about anything you find for him and stall if he's pretending to find something for himself.

Change the locks the minute he is out of the door with the last bag. And don't, whatever the temptation or pressure, ever give him a spare key. Don't let him foist a spare to his flat on you, unless you want to become an unpaid cleaner.

And, like others have said, brace yourself for him changing his mind last minute.

Oh, good luck! I have everything crossed for you. You won't believe how nice it is here on the outside. You AND your cat are going to love life out here.

Is it feasible for you to move out?

I cant remember if you said whether you are renting or owning your property.

It might be easier for you to make a clean break if you move. Maybe you can move closer to family? Or your friend?

Is there some area you really like nearby?

Whatisnormality,

It scares me that you are thinking of splitting up based on an internet thread.

There are clearly many problems in your relationship and your sex life is not normal in any sense of the word that I know.

On the other hand, if you previously thought you were in a loving relationship, you should only change your mind based on your own true feelings and not what those with an agenda may post on a MN forum.

Your relationship has clearly got to a point where splitting up may be the only realistic option. However, I would counsel you not to do it until you have talked to your REAL friends who know both sides of the relationship and also considered some couples' counselling.

"Abusive" is a word bandied around a lot on MN, based on a single post by an individual. Lots of relationships just reach a bad point where both people dig at each other and each only recognises their own side of the "argument".

larry - have you read the whole thread?

Malinkey,

A fair bit of it. Not 468 posts, though!

Had this with XH. Always threatening to leave. When it became apparent that I wasn't going to beg him to stay this time, suddenly I was the only person he cared about, he couldn't live without me, he would change, I should have said before what was bothering me (er, I've been telling you for the last five years, should I have used a megaphone?), we were meant to be together etc. Bullshit. He was terrified of losing his meal ticket.

Well, we did split, and guess what? He's still alive.

larry, have you had a look at what the op herself has been telling us about her husband?

larrygrylls, you are on another planet. This is not one of those "a bit wrong on both sides" relationships. I've noticed Mumsnet is actually very good at picking those out and shoving them both off to counselling. But some things can't be mended.

If you read them all, Larry, you may well find yourself offering a different opinion.

Whatis...after I left my horrible exH (though not in anyway as bad as your H), my dogs chenged beyond recognition.

The mum dog used to be very aggressive to men, my daughter dog was very timid. I had to be very careful when anyone came to the house as the mum dog would try to bite them.

Now I have left and exH is not here in my new house, mum dog welcomes everyone with open paws. Sadly daughter dog is still nervous, but HER daughter, who has never known exH is the most friendly and loving little dog you could hope to meet.

The kids are better too!!!!

Larrygrylls - I strongly recommend you read the OP's posts.