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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this a normal sex life???

807 replies

whatisnormality · 17/09/2010 21:37

My husband and I have just had an argument about our sex life.... again

It has got to the point where we are on the verge of splitting up. He does not see that there is a problem and I feel like I'm going mad so wanted other people's thoughts.

Our sex life:

  • Always initiated by me
  • 90% of the time it is me pleasuring him with no reciprical action and he 'thanks' me afterwards
  • Crunch time came at the weekend when I'd spent 50 minutes on foreplay (on him) and he suggested we go upstairs. Rather than have sex me, he got on all 4's so he could have some bum action?!
  • Last night we were cuddling and although I knew he was up for it, as he knew I was upset by the weekend incident I refused to acknowledge it so he asked if (whilst we were cuddling) it was ok if he played with himself as he had a stiffie (I was gagging for it, as always but wanted him to initiate it just for once)

It's been like this for the past 10-11 yrs and we always talk about it and it's always my fault and I just end up mystified. Apparently I don't know what normal is and I patronise him.

He says that everything has to be perfect for me to want to have sex and if I go to bed wearing knickers or pyjamas it means I don't want it (even if I subsequently spend 50 minutes playing with him, I'm clearly not interested)

Is this really remotely normal???

OP posts:
harassedinherpants · 20/09/2010 13:53

I'm with ledkr - I can use the pc/laptop any time, and I don't feel the need to tell dh to bog off. We literally share everything.

BeccaandEvie · 20/09/2010 14:04

Just wanted to say Harrassed - thank you for sharing your story, I felt I couldn't really go into too much detail with mine but wanted Whatis to know I empathised.

comtessa · 20/09/2010 14:04

"I guess also marriage is for life. There are times when I'm actually really happy with him and he makes me happy and I can just ignore occassional digs. I love it when he hugs me, or strokes my face or even smiles at me, all resolve goes out of the window."

Marriage is a two-way contract -

...Will you love her, comfort her, honour and protect her

... to have and to hold
from this day forward;
for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish,
till death us do part;

...With my body I honour you
all that I am I give to you
and all that I have I share with you

Does he do anything that he promised you on your wedding day? This is a controlling situation. I understand that you're worried about or fear divorce, I got divorced when I was 24 and I was honestly afraid that my parents would not see me and no-one would ever trust me again. But I had to leave because I knew that my marriage was a lie - my DH did not love me, he liked the idea of being married to someone much younger and sparkier. Needless to say the latter quality faded during our year of loveless marriage.
I was once talking to a Catholic priest who enquired after my marital status. I told him I was divorced. His reaction: "Thank God for divorce - imagine how many more unhappy couples and families there would be if people could not end bad marriages."

You can and will get through this, but you cannot mend a marriage where only one of you is taking your vows seriously.

comtessa · 20/09/2010 14:06

PS 29 now and happily married to DH, DC1 due in November. There IS life after divorce.

Eurostar · 20/09/2010 14:07

Good point from CrackFox. As he senses your change, he may well suggest TTC and be Mr Nice until you are heavily pregnant, then Mr Nasty will come back 10x worse and his child will be treated worse than your poor cat.

HRHPrincessReality · 20/09/2010 14:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeldredida · 20/09/2010 14:22

You might want to delete your history and have a name change so he doesnt read this thread.

Good luck with your future, its really bright and just waiting out there for you.

hairytriangle · 20/09/2010 14:34

"gnaws away at you and you just don't realise until you have nothing left, and then one day you start to wake up. You've had that day when you posted on here, I had it too, and my confidence grew and grew. I remember muttering under my breath too, withdrawing emotionally from him (that's what you're doing too) and him realising something is changing!!"

the 'wake up moment' was an amazing thing for me too - I gradually withdrew and then one day - BANG - for me it was just after I had been away from him for a few days (twice in short succession).

I just kind of realised 'I can't do this any more'

and then when I left (with my famous carrier bag) 'I never have to see him again'. It felt scarey, but I felt SO liberated. I never had to sneak around doing normal things ever again, I never had to be called a bitch and a weirdo again, I never had to have sex when I didn't want to again, I never had to come home from work and be 'sent' to the garage to fetch cigarettes for him again (five mins walk away, when he'd been home all day and napping).

2babyblues · 20/09/2010 14:39

It seems to me like you me your husband at a vulnerable time in your life and like you say you thought of him as a saviour. Now though you are realising he is not that at all. If it was just sexual problems I think I would say work at it but from everything you have said I think you would like to leave him. But sounds like you are afraid to be on your own. You are older now, you have a job and you can support yourself. You have a brother who you are close to and friends. This is the time to set up on your own, start enjoying life, become independent. Distance yourself from your parents, cut ties with your husband. If you become happy on your own you will be able to meet the right person for you because you will be looking for someone that makes you happy and you will not feel like you need to be in a relationship.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 20/09/2010 14:55

Christ, woman, don't settle for this crap! You are 33, you deserve to have a decent relationship. Get shot.

Isla77 · 20/09/2010 15:52

I do hope you can listen to all the people on here who are urging you to leave. This man is abusing you and it will NEVER STOP. He is a control freak and that will NEVER CHANGE either. The nice things you say he does for you are so tiny that they are not worth thinking about. He is horrible and I want you to put yourself first and get out of this relationship. You can never have a child with this man. It would be dangerous. His treatment of your poor cat is chilling. He would treat a child the same way. Please go to your friend and be strong enough never to go back to this man. Your life could be so much better - but not whilst you are in this realtionship.

RolsGirl · 20/09/2010 15:54

yes change your name and delete this thread- who knows what he'd do if he found this. :|

comtessa · 20/09/2010 16:06

Are you ok, Whatis ?

Anniegetyourgun · 20/09/2010 16:30

The rare moments of tenderness are so sweet because it's a contrast to all the grumbling, belittling, bullying, exploiting that happens the rest of the time. A loving partner will hold you, gaze into your eyes, stroke your face every day, because he loves to look at you. A loving partner will obtain his deepest sexual satisfaction from giving you pleasure. A loving partner would back you up against your father and be very angry on your behalf, not make excuses for his abysmal treatment of you. A loving partner would give at least as much as he receives in all aspects of life, because he values you. Just as you try to do that for your thoroughly undeserving grouch of a "D"H, because when you love, you love to give. When you take, take, take - that's not loving.

Am convinced btw that he neither likes nor dislikes the cat. He just winds it up in order to tease you, because he knows you care about it. Excuse my fixation on the cat issue; I am terminally British and have two rescue cats myself!

fairycake123 · 20/09/2010 19:33

Intersting that he is so incredibly nasty to the cat, who he "loves deep down." I wonder how he'd treat an animal (or a person) that he DIDN'T like?

HerBeatitude · 20/09/2010 19:38

You must under no circumstances, have a child with this man.

He is really very sick.

dittany · 20/09/2010 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

merrywidow · 20/09/2010 19:58

I find it really disturbing that he prefers you 'clean shaven', I presume that this is your pubic hair.

I, like many other posters here ,feel really upset for you - get as much help as you can to leave this man; from what you say he sounds very very sick

pitchperfect · 20/09/2010 20:15

'The rare moments of tenderness' that Annie mentions above are part of what I believe phycologists call the 'mean and sweet cycle'. Thats when a control freak starts being really kind and loving towards you in order to keep you ticking over. They cannot keep it up, they bring that tactic out only when under threat of being left or having their demands not met. When they have softened you up it's business as usual.

There's nothing wrong with being clean shaven, as long as it was your idea and because you like it that way. Having it demanded off you is another thing entirely.

Knackerelli · 20/09/2010 20:27

Whatis, I never post (am more of a lurker) but feel compelled to by your story. My heart just goes out to you and what you are going through. You have been through so much and I urge you to be strong, read through everyones advice and leave him. You say he has the ability to change; maybe he does, but he won't, ever, and do you want to waste your life taking that chance?

And please, please, do not bring a child into this situation. Do you really see him as a loving, caring father?

Aside from that, focus on yourself. Get away for a couple of days and get some perspective. Look after yourself. I will be thinkng of you, hope you're okay.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/09/2010 20:45

OP, I'm worrying that you're still wavering over the whole thing, despite EVERY SINGLE REPLY to your OP telling you to escape from this man. Surely that tells you something? A lot of the time in the Relationships topic, when someone posts about their OH behaving like a shit, there are a lot of "leave him, he's evil" type of comments but equally plenty of "Don't listen to those people, they're being OTT, this relationship could be worth saving if you try a, b or c."

In your case, EVERYONE is of the same opinion that there is nothing worth saving from this relationship except yourself, sweetheart.

Everyone is so rooting for you to start living your life how you deserve, and experiencing what other people do from a proper relationship. You WILL be able to achieve that......IF you get right away from this man.

kittywise · 20/09/2010 21:11

curly, it's never ever that easy, just to up and leave. The OP is only just coming to terms with contemplating that it may be a bad relationship. You don't go from realisation to action over night. It can take a long long time. She has to pull down and reassemble her entire life.
She might well decide to stay for a while, she might well hope he will 'change'. It's all very well for us on the outside, we can see it as clear as day, the OP is only getting glimpses. It takes time to build up the picture she needs. And he will try all the usual abuser tricks to reel her back in and they will most likely work, at least for a while. It would be wonderful if she did decided to leave, but I would be surprised, not just yet anyway.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/09/2010 21:15

Yes, I suppose it's easy for me to say the obvious, kittywise - all my relationships have been "normal", a couple of wierdos who passed under my radar were swiftly despatched at the first opportunity! Grin I have no idea what it is like to be longterm in an "abnormal" relationship, so I don't suppose I'm in any position to advise.

I just want the OP to be happy. Sad

kittywise · 20/09/2010 21:23

Curly abusive men are very cunning, very manipulative. I speak from experience sadly. When the op reads what we say here she can think "omg yes he's doing x, y and z, it's NOT me, it's him.
She can feel stronger BUT he will quickly make sure that any vestiges of self belief she displays are knocked out of her. It's the way they work and it can take a long long time to build up the inner strength, the self belief needed to say "That's enough, you are crazy, I'm off"

All we can hope is that she keeps posting even if she decides to stay. She is looking at things with different eyes now and even if she convinces herself it isn't so bad, she will never be looking at him the way she did before we all posted. Something of what has been said will remain a flame when all seems dark.
We all want her to leave, we all want her safe and happy

AnyFucker · 20/09/2010 22:59

OP, please post and tell us how you are