Is this a normal sex life???

[whatisnormality]

My husband and I have just had an argument about our sex life.... again

It has got to the point where we are on the verge of splitting up. He does not see that there is a problem and I feel like I'm going mad so wanted other people's thoughts.

Our sex life:

• Always initiated by me
• 90% of the time it is me pleasuring him with no reciprical action and he 'thanks' me afterwards
• Crunch time came at the weekend when I'd spent 50 minutes on foreplay (on him) and he suggested we go upstairs. Rather than have sex me, he got on all 4's so he could have some bum action?!
• Last night we were cuddling and although I knew he was up for it, as he knew I was upset by the weekend incident I refused to acknowledge it so he asked if (whilst we were cuddling) it was ok if he played with himself as he had a stiffie (I was gagging for it, as always but wanted him to initiate it just for once)

It's been like this for the past 10-11 yrs and we always talk about it and it's always my fault and I just end up mystified. Apparently I don't know what normal is and I patronise him.

He says that everything has to be perfect for me to want to have sex and if I go to bed wearing knickers or pyjamas it means I don't want it (even if I subsequently spend 50 minutes playing with him, I'm clearly not interested)

Is this really remotely normal???

No - not in the slightest bit normal. I am so glad so many women have made it clear - no arguments, no discussions - your marriage is a bad one. He is absolutely vile and I wish I knew him so I could tell him face to face.

You however are amazingly resiliant, strong and loving and you have an amazing future.

Of course he will never leave - he will never ever find someone as wonderful as you. He knows that you will find many many other men and women who would be honoured and delighted to share a wonderful life with you.

No doubt he will do all he can to keep you, keep you in this hellish place.

Get some counselling, definitely get a good counsellor. You need to fall in love with yourself and see all the things that I bet everyone who knows you can see.

Get a divorce solicitor, phone one in the morning and get an appointment. Will start some motion.

You can't go back after this weekend, only forward. And sometimes, when I read terrible break up threads, I feel so sorry as I know the women are going to be in a horrible low place for such a long time and there are no words to make any of that easier. But with you, its a happy future, there is no low place for you to go - your low places are in the past - you've got through them and your still seeing the best in people.

I really hope you start feeling excited about your future very soon.

I don't know if this is a dumb idea, whatis. Would it be possible for you to stay with your nice friend - by yourself - for a few days? Just to get an idea of what life is like in an average household. I guess you'd have to lie to your H and you might not be up to that yet. Just a thought, though? Might be worth a try.

I agree - get some context about what a healthy relationship is like. Everything gets so skewed when you're in a healthy, destructive relationship.....

Hope you're okay this morning whatis

Good morning and thank you for all of your message. I've just managed to log on before he gets up so will be really quick.

I literally couldn't sleep last night, just thinking about things and lots of things that he portrays as amusing are actually really not.

Someone asked what he's like with my cat and he hates him (although deep down I think he loves him). The cat is very demanding and neurotic and dh likes to stare him out and then when the cat hisses at him or growls (he can be loving but only when feeling secure as he's a rescue cat) he points at him and says agressively 'go to your room'. He's aways maintained that it's amusing (as I get upset whenever he does this) however again it's just another thing that could never be construed as amusing.

I think the idea of some time on my own is a great one. I have been on holiday before with friends parents and love the atmosphere of love and support. I guess because each family has issues of some sort or another you just assume that your relationship just has it's issues like any other.

I'm also starting to view the way that I see him. I thought that although I'm not in love with him (I do however love him) and again I thought that was normal to have a shift in how you feel about someone and to fall in and out of love over the years.

I think the internal muttering of 'lazy .....' everytime I see him are perhaps another warning sign although as mentioned he's been Mr Domestic the last few days.

Got to go as I can hear stirring's upstairs.

I will try and update later although evening's are often difficult.

Thank you all.

I've been following this thread, just wanted to say good morning

I'm so glad you're starting to realise what he's like. Don't doubt yourself for a second.

Hope your friend can offer some support and time away when you speak to her. You can be happy.

Whatis... what made me leave was staying with friends and realising how different I felt. Happy.

I used to go home glad to be going back to my 'home' in the same way that when you've been a guest your own home is welcoming but as I got nearer and started considering the person at home ...a weight descended on me because I was mentally preparing and ticking off my indiscretions before I reached him and he did it for me. I would be tense by the time I reached home.

Until I didn't experience that constant tension I didn't notice it.

I could have gone back to ignoring it and not being happy. You can too.

But why would you?

Good morning whatis. Thinking of you. Got no advice, just wanted to say that the advice you've been given so far looks really good.

This relationship is awful, hope you get out of it.

Keep strong.

I couldn't read this thread and not post. I also had 'toxic' parents, to say the least -I ended up in more than one abusive relationship.

I know you are going through all sorts of emotions as realisation dawns -that's normal.
You are also bound to defend his behaviour as it's what you've done for years, but I can see that you are starting to challenge your thinking. What you see as 'normal' will probably be far from it. And you will feel totally out of sync, but there is a lot of support on here for you and you can talk about these feelings.

You sound like such a lovely person and I truly hope that you can move forward and build a new life away from this man. You deserve to be loved and cherished and to feel safe and secure.

Good luck, OP. I will be thinking of you x

you poor poor thing. You have truly been trampled on by men all your life. I can't believe you can't even see how you have got yourself trapped with a man just like your father. I really can't say enough- everyone is writing some amazing stuff- but you must try and leave soon so you can get on with your life.
You obviously have a lot of love to give, you need to eet someone who deserves it- which you will if you leave him. There are lots of men out there who will love, respect and sexully fulfil you, and who will give you a child. Imagine if you got to 40 or whatever and realised you'd wasted your fertile years with a man who never really loved you??? You MUST seek help- I think from your brother. Good luck xxx

Morning Whatis. Thinking of you today.

I totally agree with kittywise, there is SO much for you to take in about the reality of your life. You must be feeling shaken by it, and perhaps small steps are the way forward at the moment.

But on the other hand I believe that you have turned a corner, and that you WILL leave this man. And I'm excited at the prospect of your life opening up ahead of you!

Let us know how you get on today xx

Morning!

"Someone asked what he's like with my cat and he hates him (although deep down I think he loves him)."

You could say the same about the way he treats you. Acts likes he hates the cat, but you interpret it as love. :(

"The cat is very demanding and neurotic and dh likes to stare him out and then when the cat hisses at him or growls (he can be loving but only when feeling secure as he's a rescue cat) he points at him and says agressively 'go to your room'."

I find this really disturbing for two reasons. Firstly because he is doing exactly what he does to you, to the cat. Is it him who labels the cat "demanding and neurotic"? In any case, he has a creature who has been hurt and then 'rescued', but who he delights in upsetting for the fun of witnessing its traumatised reaction. Secondly because this is what he would be like to your children. Do you think this is what a good father is made of? Someone who likes to intimidate something smaller and weaker than he is, then shout at them? He is even making this connection himself by his 'hilarious' shout of "Go to your room" - that's something that is only usually said from parents to children. He is acting out his (lack of) parenting skills, and asserting his superiority over the cat FGS. Imagine him faced with a small human who demanded and required most of your attention. :(

Aww Elephants - that doesn't even bear thinking about even though its most probably true. It still shocks me that some people behave this way and 'get away' with it :(

People who like to torment animals, well that;s another classic abuser character trait. He is being cruel to the cat. He's causing it fear and distress - just because he's not kicking it or sticking fireworks up its arse doesn't mean it isn't suffering.
Sooner or later the poor bloody animal will bite him and then he'll either kick the crap out of it or insist on having it put down. He's a truly horrible individual, WIN.

good point, elephant, and sgb.

Your husband is showing you what kind of father he will be.

You allow him to abuse your cat.
You allow him abuse you. Because you seem to interpret hateful and nasty behaviour as love.

What if the two of you had children?

Will your interpretation of him, and his behaviour be as skewed?

I am just wondering why you assume that "deep down" H really loves the cat. Is there any evidence in his behaviour to suggest he even likes it? If you give one pair of fingers about an animal you don't treat it like that, you want to make it feel more secure so it will let you stroke it and spend time with you - don't you? How does this "deep down" love manifest itself?

One thing's for certain, the cat doesn't see the joke.

Whatis - I haven't posted on your thread before as I wasn't sure what I wanted to say or how to say it. I tend to go on and on and on when I meet people in this kind of relationship, but it's only through personal experience and hoping that I can help in some small way.

I met xh when I was almost 18 and he was 5yrs older. I'd already left home at 17 (was typical rebellious teen) and was living with druggie bf. I left druggie bf and moved in with xh almost immediately, quickly becoming preg. That was when it started. First it was comments, then shouting, then a shove, a push, a slap and finally full on violence. The violence wasn't the norm, but the picking away at my self confidence was. My parents knew to a small extent what was happening, but he quickly cottoned on to not hitting my face so the bruises didn't show.

I could handle the violence, it was the mental stuff that did for me tbh. I gnaws away at you and you just don't realise until you have nothing left, and then one day you start to wake up. You've had that day when you posted on here, I had it too, and my confidence grew and grew. I remember muttering under my breath too, withdrawing emotionally from him (that's what you're doing too) and him realising something is changing!!

My xh wouldn't leave, so I did. I also left my two ds's there as that's what they chose, but ds2 soon moved in with me and ds1 now has his own family, but it's me he turns to. I have no contact with xh now. We were together for 15 years in total, and god I feel such an idiot for putting up with it for so long, but I maintain that it has to be the right time for each person to leave, no matter what other people see. You literally get to the end of your tether.......

9 years later now and I'm so happy!! I've been with dh for over 5 yrs now and married for just over a year. It's wonderful! We have a dd (she's 4), and I can't tell you what a joy it is every not to have to think about everything I do and say. That's what a proper relationship is. I had a big birthday over the weekend, and dh organised a huge party for me. I did nothing except invite people. No one has ever done that for me before.

I hope my story helps you or someone else in even the tiniest way. I recommend Relate for counselling, I went on my own before, during and after we split up. They were great.

Get away my love, you owe it to yourself even if you can't see that right now.

poor bloody cat

Do you need any more red flags?

What an abomination you live with. May your departure from that dickhead be swift.

Afternoon, just sticking my head round the door, really.

SGB and Elephants have both made good points here. I just want to add my voice to those saying that cruelty to animals is a massive red flag.

Your cat is a) a rescue cat b) a cat, ffs and c) a small, powerless creature. Why would any normal person enjoy tormenting it? Oh, he is vile. He really is. And he does NOT love the cat. Please get you and the cat out of there while you can.

What is his attitude to other people's children like? Does he often make negative comments about the noise they make, whether their parents are not "controlling" them adequately or how he would do it differently? Just wondering but I have an idea he's not that tolerant of, say, toddlers.

Anyway, hope you're okay today. Keep posting, we're all here for you.

he secretly loves the cat does he?It like you are constantly making excuses for his knobishness.As others have said is this want makes his treatment of you acceptable?
I know this has been pointed out already but i just wanted to second it.

just an observation. Op said that she has to wait until he snot aroubd to use the pc.
I can go on my pc whenever i like without him being interested in what i am on and if he nosed over my shoulder id tell him to get lost. Op is more opressed than she realises.

FWIW cats are much less demanding than small children and he would be a dreadful father. You must not have a baby with this man as my guess is he will suggest TTC as he starts to cotton on to the fact you are not being so easily controlled by him. It is far harder (though not impossible) to leave once you have children.