Another epic from me, sorry.
Whatis, so I was right when I predicted that your parents had weak, abusive sexual boundaries when you were a child and that your FIL bullies your MIL who is a timid shadow of a woman. That gives me no pleasure, but can you not see the pattern that I and everyone else is trying to get across to you? It's like these bastards get a text book when they enter puberty. These men are sociopaths; like sharks, they swim through life with the sole intention of finding prey and when they spot the right catch, they move in with cold, unblinking eyes. They are deeply damaged and look for someone with low self-esteem and some level of damage who is used to being told they are rubbish and treated badly and who is desperate to please and to get someone who treats them badly to love them.
I had - have - great parents, but I was bullied badly all throughout my school life and my emotionally abusive Ex knew this, as we were in the same classes at school (although the relationship started when we were 26), so I readily believed that I was intrinsically flawed and bad and I just wanted people to like me. Luckily, because the damage of the bullying wasn't as bad as experiencing a terrible childhood at home, I could break free (also my parents were very supportive and urged me to get out). But you, you had an abusive childhood, where abnormal sexual expression was the norm and all you wanted was to please and be loved. Him making you have sex outside, etc., despite not wanting to, when you first got together was just him testing how compliant you were, how readily you would demean yourself to please him, how easily you would subsume your own needs to fulfil his. Having seen you were his perfect victim, he was not going to get rid of you - THAT is the reason why he says things like "It's the best relationship he's ever been in". Of course it is! He'd have a hard time finding someone who'd let themselves be treated the way you are and put up with his horrible, abusive, freaky ways.
Reread what you wrote:
"My mother is lovely when she's sober and she has changed through living with my father for so many years - he has eroded the person she is however at heart she is kind and loving and i resent my father for ruining much of her life. He is really not nice in any way and mostly I loathe him however again, occassionally he offers glimmers of being loving and I cling on to them and hope that he's changing and perhaps he does care about me and then am devastated when he reverts to his usual behaviour."
WHO does this remind you of? Your DH has eroded who you were and are (although your whole life has been under the control of abusers, so perhaps you don't even know who you truly are yet). HE is really not nice in anyway but offers glimmers of being loving and YOU cling to them and hope he's changing and does care about you.
Sweetheart, you can't make Daddy love you and you can't make this monster love you either. It's not because you're unlovable - far from it, as this thread attests to - but because they are bad, damaged, self-obsessed bastards. Surely you can see this? Surely you can see that you chose a Daddy substitute? You will never, ever get what you needed from Daddy from this man. Time to stop wanting Daddy or a Daddy substitute to love you. It's a cliche but a true one: no-one will love you until you love yourself. You cannot get what you want and need from an outside source. Learn how to give it to your self.
And finally, and chillingly:
"My dh has never raped me as I've always been agreeable to things (ie I might be crying but I would never say anything and he doesn't notice the tears - it's just because I feel so removed from the situation if that makes sense?)".
I'm sorry, but this sounds like rape to me. You might have agreed, but you do not understand safe, healthy, normal sexual boundaries and requests and you don't know how to assert your own needs and likes/dislikes, just how to desperately try to please others so they won't abandon you or stop loving you. You can't give proper consent because you've never been allowed to have enough sense of self to be able to understand the concept. And please, do NOT kid yourself that he doesn't notice the tears - how can anyone not notice crying in a private, intimate situation? No real, decent man could even get an erection if he thought his partner didn't want to do something or enjoyed it, never mind if she was crying! It would not surprise me in the slightest if the tears just turned him on further.
And we all know why he put your dress over your face when filming you - 1) to dehumanise you. You are less than nothing to you. 2) When he watches it back, he only wants to be able to see the one person who exists and matters in his world - himself. 3) He possibly doesn't want to be confronted by being able to see you weren't happy.
This man is sick. 33 yr olds don't usually want a teen girlfriend unless they want to control her (and have slightly dodgy tastes regarding age). And I say that as someone 9 yrs older than her DP. Please, PLEASE read and digest what we are all saying. There is not a single person reading this who thinks your relationship is normal, that ANYTHING he does or says is acceptable and above all, there's not a single person who thinks you should stay.
PS If and when you do leave, for God's sake, destroy that sex tape.