Is this a normal sex life???

[whatisnormality]

My husband and I have just had an argument about our sex life.... again

It has got to the point where we are on the verge of splitting up. He does not see that there is a problem and I feel like I'm going mad so wanted other people's thoughts.

Our sex life:

• Always initiated by me
• 90% of the time it is me pleasuring him with no reciprical action and he 'thanks' me afterwards
• Crunch time came at the weekend when I'd spent 50 minutes on foreplay (on him) and he suggested we go upstairs. Rather than have sex me, he got on all 4's so he could have some bum action?!
• Last night we were cuddling and although I knew he was up for it, as he knew I was upset by the weekend incident I refused to acknowledge it so he asked if (whilst we were cuddling) it was ok if he played with himself as he had a stiffie (I was gagging for it, as always but wanted him to initiate it just for once)

It's been like this for the past 10-11 yrs and we always talk about it and it's always my fault and I just end up mystified. Apparently I don't know what normal is and I patronise him.

He says that everything has to be perfect for me to want to have sex and if I go to bed wearing knickers or pyjamas it means I don't want it (even if I subsequently spend 50 minutes playing with him, I'm clearly not interested)

Is this really remotely normal???

I hate being so negative and bossy but you will NEVER have a normal happy relationship with him, he will always try and abuse you.

Please, please,please leave him.

I have come to this thread late, but I shocked and appalled at the description of this man and his treatment of you, OP. he sounds vile.

Can I just ask - are you able to clear thre history on your computer, to esnure your privacy and safety? He sounds like an extremely controlling man and I would worry about you if he found thisthread.


Wishing you strength and the best of luck in getting away from this horrible man.

I am shocked and appalled. Excuse typos.

He said on Friday that for him sex is sex but for me 'all the planets have to be alligned and everything has to be perfect and I have to feel love'. He doesn't stroke my face or kiss me mostly, I could count on 1 hand the number of times we've actually made love in the last 10 years (ie where he actually kisses me or makes me feel loved and secure), mostly (when we actually consumate things) it's him pumping up and down and often getting puffed out midway through and apologising.

You're right that relationships should be fun and I loved the link about how normal relationships don't need constant hard work - I've lost sight of that. I love walking, eating, theatre, socialising (although I rarely do that now). The last time we really had fun together was about a month ago and we had a really good weekend with no arguments or problems that I can remember, it was just nice.

We get on a lot better when we're away and take time out together.

You sound like you are considering staying with this man. At the risk of sounding harsh - why? WHY? He sounds horrible, selfish and totally screwed up. I feel quite worried about you.

Just for a bit of perspective Whatis, I don't think I could put up with the sex life that you describe, even if everything else was fine (which in your case, it's not). When was the last time you had fulfilling, enjoyable sex with him? Why does he think needing to feel love is somehow silly? I enjoy the physical aspect of sex, but for me the main thing is the intimacy and the sense of love I get from it, and I would say the same is true for my DH. Wanting to feel that is normal not weird, as he is trying to make out. Also I couldn't imagine sex without kissing and face stroking, I would find it horrible.

I have nothing to add that would be listened to. All I will say is, to bring children into the world with this tosser would be tantamount to child abuse. And that is more heartbreaking than the hideous life you are leading now.

Filming you with your dress covering your head just about sums it up. What a mess. The man is sick.

Thank you all for your messages.

Responding collectively I guess you always just hope that things will change. I know if I try and leave him/break up with him he will cry and make me think he really loves me and I will end up clinging to him and trying to make him feel better. I just know that will happen. Dittany, you're so right I am moved by his tears - I can't bear to see him crying.

Faamily, thank you for the advice re history, I have deleted the history from yesterday (I think as I've checked history and it's no longer showing) and am private browsing now - i'm hoping there's no way private browsing can be discovered??

I know he would be horrified if he saw this thread as whenever I have suggested previously that things aren't normal he says something along the lines of 'go tell your friends what an awful man I am and they'll all believe you and stick up for poor x' or in ' x's land this is unreasonably but in normal people's lands this is perfectly normal', not quite but you get the gist?

Ironically, he's the one on Friday who suggested that I was deluded if I though our sex life was wrong and suggested that I tell all my friends so they can deomise him, of course he just rolled his eyes and tutted at me when I said that I would be too humiliated to tell even my closest friends about the state of our sex life.... meoldramaitc x as always, never happy and doesn't realise what most people do....

And what the hell is wrong with wanting sex to.be good, anyway? He is taking away your power to object by making you feel that you are making unreasonable demands.
He is abusive:
He doesn't notice/care if you are crying during sex
He covered your face when he was filming you (in.context I think this is abusive)
He sets the sexual agenda and will not consider your needs
He humiliates you by making you feel like your desires are wrong and unimportant
He lies and twists your words
He mocks you.

I'm worried too, please contact Women's Aid. Get your life back.

WIN - I know what you're doing- you're waiting for dh's permission to leave the relationship / acknowledgement that there is something very wrong. He isn't going to give it to you, please take it for yourself. X

I hesitate to suggest reasons why he pulled your dress up because I suspect the thoughts would hurt you :(

Whatis..... you have nothing to lose and your life to gain by leaving.

You can't see it but loads of us have been in your situation and have not looked back. I felt so different when I left. Yes there have been tough moments. Not once have I regretted it. I have regretted not doing it sooner and you will. You will sit and cry over the wasted years.

Don't waste any more. Don't plan a partner. being single is better (FAR FAR BETTER) than being in a bad relationship.

Relish being you. Relish your own company. Relish not asking nervously what he'd like to eat/watch/do and then being tense when he is with you because it will be wrong no matter what you do

You cannot love him enough. Leave. You will never regret it

My ex used to cry and say he'd kill himself if I left. So I stayed with him. From age 17 to 21. I really regret staying with him over such an important few years of my life. He actually fathered someone else's child in that time, that I knew nothing about. Thank god I moved on.

For fuck's sake. You're going to look back in a few years and regret the time you ever wasted with this disgusting tosser. Your dress is not the only thing he's pulling over your eyes.
And believe me, your sex life is not normal.
Get out now.

I'm sorry but I think some people on this thread are wrong. OP the fact that your H is older is no excuse for how he treats you. My DH is 15 years older, and like you I was young (17) when we got together. My DH is kind, affectionate and very loving, and I know he'd do anything for me.
Alternatively my friend was physically abused by an ex who was a year older than her. A bastard is a bastard, age gap or no age gap.

Ps, I mean I know because I found myself in the same situation. It's impossible to imagine that your own thoughts and feelings are valid. He's just done a really good number on you that would impress the likes of derren brown.

Yes age not a lot to do with it. Horrid ex when I was 17 was 12 yrs older than me. But nice dh I have now is 15 years older.

I agree asouthwoldmummy, age is irrelevant here. He is one fucked up man, young or old. Age cannot excuse this behaviour.

Dittany - I never said the type of abusive man the OP is talking about doesn't exist, and no my relationship isn't important. Just merely stating his abusive behaviour cannot be justified simply because 'he's older'.