Is this a normal sex life???

[whatisnormality]

My husband and I have just had an argument about our sex life.... again

It has got to the point where we are on the verge of splitting up. He does not see that there is a problem and I feel like I'm going mad so wanted other people's thoughts.

Our sex life:

• Always initiated by me
• 90% of the time it is me pleasuring him with no reciprical action and he 'thanks' me afterwards
• Crunch time came at the weekend when I'd spent 50 minutes on foreplay (on him) and he suggested we go upstairs. Rather than have sex me, he got on all 4's so he could have some bum action?!
• Last night we were cuddling and although I knew he was up for it, as he knew I was upset by the weekend incident I refused to acknowledge it so he asked if (whilst we were cuddling) it was ok if he played with himself as he had a stiffie (I was gagging for it, as always but wanted him to initiate it just for once)

It's been like this for the past 10-11 yrs and we always talk about it and it's always my fault and I just end up mystified. Apparently I don't know what normal is and I patronise him.

He says that everything has to be perfect for me to want to have sex and if I go to bed wearing knickers or pyjamas it means I don't want it (even if I subsequently spend 50 minutes playing with him, I'm clearly not interested)

Is this really remotely normal???

WestLondonHypnosis have you actually read the thread or just the first post?

I think this couple is past past the point of needing couple's therapy. The unanimous plea from all posters is for the OP to leave this controlling, abusive man.

Incidentally I don't see why it matters so whether he is gay or not. The most important thing is he is treating whatisnormality like absolute shit and ruining her life. His behaviour is unforgivable, what good would couple's therapy do? She needs to get away from him!

Or are you simply touting for business WestLondonHypnosis?

Have you read the thread westlondonhypnosis? It's moved on a little since then....

How are you doing today whatisnormality? Is he still sulking? (Sort of hope so so you can leave him to it and have a nice calm day to yourself).

BTW please don't be taken in by any temporary "niceness" - of course he can put on an act, you would hardly have married him if he hadn't occasionally managed to imitate a decent human being.

This reminds me a bit of another poster, whose DH was consantly criticising her, only interested in himself etc etc. They had a small DD and IIRC he used to get annoyed that his daughter got the first greeting when her mum got home, rather than him being first in line for attention. That - or worse - is what you would be giving any future DC.

Elephants, I was thinking the same thing. I wonder how that ended. And I totally agree that it would be the same pattern if the OP had a baby with this man. I can't imagine how he would behave around a sleepless or colicky baby.

whatisnormal, for what it's worth, I think you sound like you will be a brilliant mum one day. Just don't give your future DCs this man for a father.

Hope you're okay today.

I've just read the whole thread and I agree with most of the comments made. One thing that also struck me was this "He often suggests that I buy something to cheer myself up when I'm low."

Have you ever thought that if he weren't such a complete shit, that you wouldn't need 'cheering up'?

If you told your brother you wanted to leave and asked him for help, would he? Just an idea.

Elephants: as I recall, that poster (with loads of MN cheerleading) dumped the tosspot and righteously so.
WestLondonHypnosis: Heaven help your patients if you are too dim to spot an abusive relationship (ie one that no properly trained counsellor would touch as couple counselling is worse htan useless when there is abuse going on) when it's as obvious as this.

Shockingly bad advice WestLondon - OP please don't listen to that. Couples counselling would not be helpful in your situation.

OP hope you're ok today. We're all thinking of you, hope to hear from you soon.

Sorry to butt in, but what's the significance of the massive naps?

whatisnormality,

Everyone has given brilliant advice (apart from the couples counselling!) and insight and I'm so glad to see your eyes are starting to open to the reality of your situation.

I have been in an abusive relationship too, can recognise what everyone is saying, I got out too, and I tell you living without fear, stress and terror and walking on egg shells is 1000 times better!
I also became a mother at 36 after meeting my (now ex) partner at 34.

One thing you wrote really struck me, it speaks volumes to me:

"He does tell me constantly that I'm grumpy, my glass is half empty... and sometimes I am actually left quite mystified as I do often go home happy but he's right I end up grumpy and down within minutes although plenty of times the arguments are definitely not started by me"

When you get free of this man your glass will be full my dear!!

You sound like an amazing woman by the way!

" he said that if his father ever spoke to him like that he'd walk away and not return.... "
He's telling you what he thinks you should do to him! More than that - he's saying he despises you because you haven't.

I'm really sorry for the very confusing time you must be having right now. But please, please keep reading your thead. You've had some truly great replies. This is, in fact, a demonstration of how much kindness and empathy is available to you, when you dare to speak to compassionate others instead of your wanky H and parents.

If you forwarded the link to your brother, how would he react?

Hope this isn't bad MN etiquette - but I've tracked down the threads by the poster I mentioned earlier. There are lots of differences between your circumstances, but what you have in common is the controlling partner who puts you on edge, brings you down and is mildly scary as well demanding sympathy.

First one I read by her here: "if you hit me again you will regret it

Then there were a couple of other threads then the epic one here: husband says it's over

Very long but worth reading as it sees her through from being upset and trapped, to finding her own life. :)

I am so overwhelmed by all of the responces on this as I really thought I was over reacting to feel so low. Thank you all.

In answer to the many questions raised:

My parents used to have loud regular sex which we could hear every day - they liked us knowing they were doing it and relished in making us squirm - I guess that is a bit odd but they both have drink problems and therefore may not have thought about it too much

My husband's parents are in quite a horrible relationship. His mother isn't even remotely controlling actually, she's a mouse of a woman who is permanently bossed around by her husband who finds other people's reactions to this amusing. That said, I think she quite likes feeling useful and there are relationships where being told what to do can work

I know my brother would be utterly horrified if he read this thread- I know he thinks I'm stupid both by staying in this relationship and feeling obliged to continue seeing my parents when the visits always result in me in tears. My mother always supports my father but as me husband quite rightly says, she needs to live with him so cannot cause a situation that would be unbearable.

Today has been ok - again I'm seeing things that I wouldn't normally notice (ie whilst making breakfast I managed to do 4 things wrong?! He wanted bacon and eggs and then started grumbling when I started poaching them (as he used all the oil!), he then shouted that he only wanted 1 as they were to be poached, he queried what bread I was using and made it clear the bread choice was unacceptable, then when it was presented he said that it was a micro breakfast (I must have missed him asking for just one egg?). But of course, I'm the one for whom nothing is ever good enough

I guess because it's all really petty stuff you just get used to it. I must confess that I wasn't liking the atmosphere so gave him a quick foot and hand massage as despite everything all I really want is to make him happy.

I'm also rebelling today and not seeing my parents - instead I'm studying (or trying to) and having some me time. My husband has gone out for the afternoon.

I think I am definitely going to start being a little more independent and will speak to my friend. I have spoken to her previously (not in any real detail but after she's heard him speaking to me whilst on the phone so i guess more she has spoken to me) and each time she tells me that the relationship doesn't work, doesn't make me happy etc but then I rationalise it that she's never had such a long term relationship and that perhaps when you've only been with someone 5 years (as is her case) things would be better...

Sorry again for all typos - a little worried dh may return home!!

oh my god whatis - he nitpicked you ceaselessly like that, and you are so well trained that you rewarded him with a hand and foot massage?

Why? Is it because you just want his approval? Why would he give it when he knows that - witholding it - he has you exactly where he wants you? To him it sounds as if you are a pet, a servant, a subhuman who exists only to serve him. You are worth SO much more than that.

My DP is away at the moment, but on Sunday morning he usually goes to the shop for some food, makes me breakfast (or we cook together), we eat together, chat and laze around, I'll usually wash up later...I am not saying this to show off, but merely to indicate what a normal, caring relationship can be like. If either of us criticised the other's cooking (except in a jokey way) the cooking person would either tell the other one to sod off and cook their own, or boot them out of the kitchen until they'd finished. Certainly there would be no apologising for "mistakes" or conciliatory personal treatment. The only reason you are behaving like this is because he has you convinced that you are inherently worth less than him. Sounds like he learnt it straight from his dad. Do you want to be like your MIL in thirty years time?

How old is he btw?

You need to escape, I wish I could come and whisk you away.

He's 48.

It does upset me as he often does critise what I cook (I almost always cook)and then on the rare occassions he cooks he gets upset if I don't say that everything's perfect (for example last time he cooked was Friday night and when I said that it was nice, thank you he got upset that it was just nice and wanted to know what wasn't perfect?!). Difficult to imagine frozen potatoe waffles as perfect!!

I have changed a little recently and whereas I would normally always have dinner waiting for him when he gets home, I didn't the other day and you could see the astonishment on his face as he realised that yes there was no food in the house so he may have to have cheese on toast (or something similar) and that no I wasn't even going to cook that for him!! He'd gone to work for 4 hours that day, I'd worked for 12 hours and was shattered and stressed and for once really couldn't be bothered.

I really think you need to find yourself some individual counselling/therapy asap.

Why do you want to make someone happy when they are so abusive towards you?

It sounds as though you are addicted to being in such an unhealthy relationship. Sadly your husband does not love you, he sees you as chattle to bolster his ego, run around after him, belittle and satisfy his sexual needs.

OH, don't worry about the typos! That's the least of your worries!

That breakfast scene is horrendous! He is just despicable! Please, it is not "petty stuff" and he has downtrodden you so totally that you have gotten "used to it". Most people treat their pets better than he does you!! I am sad and angry for you.

Please talk to your brother! Your parents were (are) way out of line, and he seems clued into that, also your friend, you need to spend more time with them and less with your husband IMHO.

"despite everything all I really want is to make him happy"

You will never make him happy. If he were happy, he wouldn't bitch, harp and complain at your every move, would he, after all this time. The fault for this lies entirely at his door. This is NOT a criticism of you.

And it would appear he doesn't make you happy. Why are you less important in this relationship than him?

I do feel for you. You don't have nice parents but I think you have a nice brother and good friends. They are the people to listen to - they will show you kindness and respect.

48?

This is a middle-aged man, there's no hope of him changing now. The only thing you can do is get away from him.

Worth mentioning btw that the reason that he doesn't defend you against your parents, and "lets" them attack you, is because they are saving him a job. If it was only him doing the put-downs and 'you're worthless' stuff, and you had supportive parents, you might start to doubt his judgement and assert yourself. But as long as you can visit the people who have known you for longest, and should love you most, and have them parroting the same abusive rubbish to you, he can use that as corroboration of his fucked-up attitude. They are doing his dirty work for him :(

Have you talked to your DB?

Why do you stay with him, I'm asking honestly?

My mother is lovely when she's sober and she has changed through living with my father for so many years - he has eroded the person she is however at heart she is kind and loving and i resent my father for ruining much of her life. He is really not nice in any way and mostly I loathe him however again, occassionally he offers glimmers of being loving and I cling on to them and hope that he's changing and perhaps he does care about me and then am devastated when he reverts to his usual behaviour.

My friends are fantastic as is my brother, I've spent less time with them recently as I've been a bit low (not depressed just lacking energy) but should make more of an effort as I'm a pretty bad friend and sister at the moment.

Whatis - this is getting worse and worse!

You have spent your life stuck with abusive men and your focus is hanging around hoping to find some snip bit of evidence that they love you.

I'm so sorry but they don't love you.

Please go and see your gp and get yourself a counsellor who will help you find out why you are letting yourself be abused like this and help give you the strength to leave.

I stay with him because I do love him. We have conversations where we discuss splitting up and I look into his beautiful eyes and don't want to hurt him. He has always said that he would never leave and if someone is going to leave it would have to be me.

I guess also marriage is for life. There are times when I'm actually really happy with him and he makes me happy and I can just ignore occassional digs. I love it when he hugs me, or strokes my face or even smiles at me, all resolve goes out of the window.

I have left before (after the incident of violence which was many years ago and as mentioned has not been repeated). We were apart for about 4 weeks but got back together. At that point my lovely father said that I almost certainly deserved it and he doesn't know how my dh puts up with me anyway!