Affair

[cuthbertdibblegrubb]

Just found out that my wife has been having a relationship with the builder. While I have been working hard to pay for the building work she has been dropping the kids off at school then f**cking him in our bed. I cant describe how I feel it just feels like a physical pain like some one has stabbed me and I don't know what to do. I feel humiliated and who can I talk to .. I couldnt tell my friends not even my best friend as its so terrible and makes me look like an idiot.Any advise welcome as I moved out last night and really dont know where or what to do next.

This sounds like the worst of all scenarios. Your wife has shown she has no concern for your feelings, in fact she is all too keen to humiliate you as much as possible and maximize the hurt. And now she is offering you a ringside seat (and how is the odd new chap wandering through the house to be explained to the DC)? To agree to moving back under her impossible terms is inconceivable!

You need to ask your wife to leave so you can provide a stable home for your DC (her mind, for now, is elsewhere it would appear). At least in order that you have some space, in your home, to think things through. You wife, on the other hand, needs to realise that perhaps her easy (but bloody boring) days of daytime telly and shagging the builder are over as she will need to turn her mind to get some paid employment.

Wishing you luck.

Thanks everyone. I'm just desperate to get back to how we were only recently. I'm going to stay at a friends tonight/ tomorrow and see what he thinks. To be honest not sure what I'm doing at the moment. Can't believe I agreed to it. I will txt and say no and then stay with my friend and gather my thoughts. Thanks everyone.

Agree sounding like someone has the day off school today.

Like you WWIFN, bit sceptical as so far fetched, but also would like to give benefit of doubt.

If this is real don't leave the house and don't let another man in your house. Cancel the builders contract. If she tries to let the guy in your house get your family and mates round. Stop dancing to her tune.

Will it would put you back to how you have been recently, with one exception, you would know about it this time! Is that really what you want?

I'm glad you will be discussing this with a friend, I hope he is a good one.

Try and think about what you wantmoving forward and how possible it is.

Cuthbert - i am not saying that what your wife did is right.

But you can't control what has happened. You can only manage your reaction to it. Thumping the builder is not the answer.

Life is a journey and everything that happens to us is there to teach us something... although it may be difficult to see it in that way.

I almost had an affair, after i asked for a separation. i didn't have one, but because of this experience, i wonder if there are some issues in your marriage that need to be worked out? Is there? Is it worth saving? do you love her?

if she just is callous, then maybe ask yourself if you can live with this sort of person.

sometimes, parting can be the best solution for your own well being. But don't part without learning from the lessons, otherwise this sort of thing could repeat itself with someone else.
good luck

Hey purple peony. Hope you are all manicured and toned and have been attentive to your OH today (given that you are always totally compatible in every way, of course) because I'm going to send an 18 year old hottie round to see if he wants a bit. And if he does, it is your fault for not being younger, fitter, and generally better frankly hmm

What a complete load of bull this is. It implies that only a woman's physical assets attract a man and vice versa. Is that why youthink men/women have affairs? Grow

This is from Relate. It says that the fault is jointly shared.

www.relate.org.uk/common-problem-details/6/index.html

Well, I for one don't hold Relate in high esteem. I will stand by my appraisal that the op's wife is behaving in an unneccesarily cruel and vindictive way.

Please don't give in to these ludicrous demands Cuthbert, think of the children. Your wife has all but thrown away the marriage, there isn't really anything left to save. Best you can do is get her out and keep things calm for the children. Guarenteed the wife is not thinking of the kid's best interests when she is sleeping with the builder.

Er - I did mention 'totally compatible in every way' in my ludicrous example, so that would also take in interests, intellect etc.

Relate are not the be all and end all by any means. They are very prescriptive and their advice is by and large outdated. Try Shirley Glass'Just Good Friends for a new and more challenging approach based on modern life and you might learn something yourself.

You are blaming the OP for being inadequate. I am saying that even if they had problems, OP's WIFE is to blame for doing something so vile rather than something respectful.

FioFio, I'm not quite sure how any healing process means that no one is to blame

Often someone IS to blame, and must come to see that and try to make amends and say sorry. And it is usually then up to the victim to decide if they can forgive and move on, then heal.

Agree about Relate not being the oracle any longer WRT infidelity, but I also know that they are changing some of these views (wonder when that website was last updated?) and are challenging their thinking, especially given the changing landscape of infidelity and the technology that facilitates it. What might have been true years ago, isn't necessarily the case now.

Counsellors are human beings and like many other people, have a huge investment in the belief that as long as their marriage is happy and they are meeting all the (even hidden) needs of their partner, infidelity won't ever happen to them.

Some of those counsellors will have even been unfaithful themselves and therefore have an investment in the belief that if their spouse had been meeting their needs, they wouldn't have been unfaithful.

It takes an enormous amount of courage to admit that there were no excuses and to stop letting yourself off the hook for your own choices.

Fortunately we have on these boards some very courageous people who admit that any problems in their marriage were by their own creation, or simply didn't even exist before they had an affair. And others we all know in real-life. To claim that these individuals are wrong and that this simply cannot be the truth, is outrageously arrogant and patronising.

Sorry to be cynical, but is this thread for real? It all sounds a bit - mad to be honest.

If it is real and the wife really said those revolting and humiliating things when confronted (as opposed to an embarrased/angry/humilitated reaction which you would expect from the "guilty" party) then she is one hell of an angry woman.

Even when confronted about the affair, she decides to rub his nose in it (practically literally) humiliate and torment him?

That is behaviour that is bordering on psychotic. If she is really that nasty, why would anyone want to be with her at all?

The alternative explanation is that there is one hell of a lot of history behind all this and that the wife is "getting her own back".

Sorry but this has to be a windup surely??

I'm sorry, but I'm almost certain this is bollocks

Hmmm. I am struggling with the idea that the op thought his dw was a kind woman until today and now this scenario has unfolded,unless she has sustained a big bang to the head in the last 24 hours.

Not very experienced on MN is it likely to be made up then ?

ok well i've read this post from start to finish and cannot for one minute believe any of it. I reckon he's either board and wierd or just having a larf with his pal. I'm questioning why oh why would you post on MN if you have mates? I'm putting my bloke hat on here and none that i know of would do it! Cuth if this is serious mate apologies but me thinks not!

Just pisses me off that there are really lovely posters on here that are taking the time to help someone out that could be doing it for a genuine case.

Not sure it's real either come to think of it.

How is Mrs Dibblegrubb, Cuthbert?

Was beginning to wonder hence not having posted for a while.

I'm as fond of a joke as the next person but stuff like this is just not funny.

If it's not a joke then I apologise deeply.

this has got to be a wind up, no-one in the right mind....surely ???????

Sorry but can I ask Purple, have you cheated or have you been in a marriage where the other partner has cheated on you??

I am sure sometimes there may be problems in the marriage that lead to an affair but I think it is wrong to assume that there is always something wrong in the marriage that has made the partner stray. That is a cruel thing to say to someone who has just been betrayed.

My h cheated because a 29yr old offered herself to him on a plate. I was at home looking after 3 small dc, we had regular sex, I cooked him fab dinners when he came home - he still cant explain why he did what he did.

So please bugger off with your analysis of affairs

gosh, this is a fast-moving thread

< ahem >

Oh thank god you're home AnyFucker. What do you make of the op's wife?

Too bad to be true?