Affair

[cuthbertdibblegrubb]

Just found out that my wife has been having a relationship with the builder. While I have been working hard to pay for the building work she has been dropping the kids off at school then f**cking him in our bed. I cant describe how I feel it just feels like a physical pain like some one has stabbed me and I don't know what to do. I feel humiliated and who can I talk to .. I couldnt tell my friends not even my best friend as its so terrible and makes me look like an idiot.Any advise welcome as I moved out last night and really dont know where or what to do next.

ugh I didn't say I knew why she cheated.

But really think about it. This women can't possibly have said to herself, "hmm I am not happy about XYZ I will therefore cheat, that should fix it"
Cheating is an entirely selfish and destructive action

I agree that affairs are sometimes symptomatic of problems within a relationship even if one partner is unaware of the problems. I also agree that if Cuthbert was a woman the responses would be entirely different. We would be saying 'what? He swans off to works leaving you to look after the house and x children and then shags some piece of totty? Bastard!'

There's another thread going at the mo (can't remember which one) where this very same discussion is taking place. Whilst some affairs are symptomatic of problems, some are just carried out by worthless shites who take it wherever they can find it.

The problem with relationships is that we all want them to abide by rules and they simply don't.

Cuthbert how are you doing? You really should rise above it and maintain some dignity. That's far more manly than going and beating the crap out of him or worse, getting the crap beaten out of you if he's a big guy.

One last thing, this goes on a lot. DH used to work in construction and was always getting propositioned by bored housewives in the home counties. Tragic really, they used to open the door dressed like something out of a Daz advert...

Oh, and I've been where you are now so please don't think I'm being overly flippant.

thanks abedelia my point exactly

Of course they dont say 'oh that will fix it' The same way that people having affairs arent all in bed with their lover laughing at the partner who doesnt know whats going on.

You said you know about the mindset of a cheater. Did you think about what you were doing? Or did you get caught up in it?

This isn't about me, I am just challenging faulty advice.

Surely empathy means being to see it from both sides

I haven't read the whole thread but cannot believe purplepeony's response.

Can you imagine any of the women posting about their husbands affairs on here getting a response like that?? 'Oh, maybe you don't cook his dinner how he likes it' for example. It would be unthinkable!!

To the OP - I can imagine it does feel like that - poor you

And my point is that the only thing the OP should blame himself for is picking a selfish, self-absorbed madam as a partner. Which he really couldn't have foreseen.

I am speechless at the appalling advice given here by some posters and also the horrible lack of compassion from someone in pain. No woman would get this kind of treatment and PP I think you are projecting hugely here, because of your own repeated infidelity.

OP I reiterate the wonderful advice from posters who are both mature in age and mind. This is absolutely not your fault. It does not follow that your wife was getting something from this man that she wasn't getting from you. Like Abedelia said, it is often as simple as this man was new and represented the opportunity to have sex with a different person. It is sexist bullshit to believe that women only have affairs if there is a gap in their marriage and they are unhappy.

I am so sorry that you are in so much pain. I hope you get the opportunity to talk to your wife and then come back here to get some more advice about navigating through what this morning, feels like a nightmare.

Faulty advice? Its not up to you to say whose advice is faulty. Everyone posts from their own expereice. FFS all you know if that she's has been shagging the builder other than that you know nothing about the op. PP has said that looking closer to home might give him some answers.

Oh - add emotionally immature to that list. I missed it off. Sorry, OP!

I cant believe that you really think his wife had sex with the builder to prove a point

I wondered whether PP was just trying to justify her own behavior!
I don't know her posts so didn't comment on that possibility.

Just got back and it didnt go well. He wasnt there so I thought great and let myself in. I was calm and ok said I wanted to discuss in a calm way and she went on to be really unbeleiveably cruel and hurtful. She said she had shagged him already this morning, his cm was still in her and did I want to clean her up and laughed. I just can't believe it she has turned on me and said terrible and incredibly cruel things to me. She also said I had a much smaller dck and she wants to continue with him. Its pathetic but I'm sat here crying and dont know what has suddenly happened to her to be so cruel, she isnt normally like this she is so kind normally .. just dont understand her incredible behaviour

OP if you want to CAT me go ahead.

What a horrible response, I cannot imiagne anyone being so cruel. PLease, please speak to someone in rl now.

sexist indeed - completely agree with that 'don't do enough to help around the house'

There is nothing wrong with crying.

So sorry Cuthbert. The others are right, the builder is not the one you need to talk to. So if your wife knows you know, surely there is no chance she will have the builder there today?

Take time off work, arrange to meet her to talk and see what she is planning to do. Ask why she was unwilling to discuss any problems she felt were in the marriage.

Don't pay the builder, he is lucky you havn't reported him. And perhaps your wife needs to stop watching/reading trashy porn. Who does that in real life?

You need time to digest your feelings of anger and betrayal, you need answers too.