Affair

[cuthbertdibblegrubb]

Just found out that my wife has been having a relationship with the builder. While I have been working hard to pay for the building work she has been dropping the kids off at school then f**cking him in our bed. I cant describe how I feel it just feels like a physical pain like some one has stabbed me and I don't know what to do. I feel humiliated and who can I talk to .. I couldnt tell my friends not even my best friend as its so terrible and makes me look like an idiot.Any advise welcome as I moved out last night and really dont know where or what to do next.

Why doesn't she work? In that case, she really should move out, as she doesn't need to be near work. Take control of the running of the home and children, and your chances of being granted custody are much greater.

Re chucking her out, if you are both on the mortgage neither of you can chuck the other out technically. But hey lets hope she doesnt know this.

Can the kids stay at grandparents for a night or two?

Do act on the suggestions to talk to someone in RL to help you to start formulating a plan of action; your DC will need one parent to be acting in their best interests (I say this because your wife is doing nothing but adding to the havoc).

Try very hard to ignore all that has been thrown at you (it's all just cheap and easy sex with the builder, akin to the milkman, and I'm sure he cannot hold a candle to you, to use a very old-fashined expression).

Please don't sit in the anonymous surroundings of a hotel room draining the minibar.

I really feel for you Cuthbert. Listen to the wise women on here. Please speak to someone.

Evidently, she has risked your sexual health too Cuthbert, so I'm afraid one of the many things you will have to do in the coming weeks is have a STI test.

You don't have to tell us if you were still sexually active with her in recent weeks/months because it doesn't matter. You will need that test anyway, as there is of course the possibility that this has happened before.

If she is the primary carer and you have to work, this complicates a horrendous situation. Which is why you need objective legal advice. I feel so sorry for your DCs, who like you are the innocent parties in all this. How have they been recently? If she is this blatant and cruel, I hope they haven't been witness to anything that will be hurting them and causing them confusion. Howver, please don't tap them for information, as this will make them feel much worse.

Good advice from WWIFN, as usual. :)

Been over and she has told me she wants to see other men but still wants to be with me as she says she loves me but doesnt fancy me! She says my sex drive is too low for her and she needs excitement in her sex life. She has suggested I move into the spare room and for us to try it. She actually said that I could watch as long as I dont get involved. She says she doesnt want to have sex with me again. Dont criticise me please but I have agreed to do this for a trial period. I'm moving my stuff back in later. I need to think of the kids and I think she will get bored of all of this.

What?

Please tell me you're joking. Is this a wind up?

Agree don't leave the house. That's just making things easy for her. Time for you to get tough too. Ask her to leave, make her sleep on sofa/ spare room otherwise. Reclaim the house and your kids.
Shut yourself off from her emotionally if possible.

And you're going to sit and cover your ears when she's shagging other men in your bed, or watch? Surely not?

Also take a few days off work.

In the words of the Dragon's...after hearing that, I'm out!

I won't criticize, but please take care of yourself.
This will just elongate your pain in my opinion.
It would appear that she has doing this because she is scared of you no longer being around to pay her bills.

Cuthebert, Get some legal advice. Your wife most certainly will. So very sorry she has been so cruel. I expect that her cruelty is borne out of her guilt. You don't deserve this. If there is any chance of her "driving you mental" see your GP. Get all the help and support that you can from whatever source you can. Keeping this to yourself won't help you mentally. You deserve lots of sympathy and understanding, I hope you can find it quickly. I hope your Mum can help. You have lots of friends here too. Hugs

And this is good for your kids how, exactly?

Don't do this. You are exposing yourself and your DCs to an emotionally abusive person. You have a choice in this, the DCs don't. If you accede to this cruel and horrible request, your mental health will be ruined and your DCs need at least one adult who is fit to parent them. That is, assuming this is as it seems.

No not saying I agreed to watch or anything. Just I suppose turn a blind eye to it until she gets it out of her system. She still loves me so thats something to work on.

Moving back in = good idea

Letting her shag other men = bad idea

Get back in the house then tell her no! Dont let her treat you like this. move in and get this sort via a solictor.

If you allow this to happen it will break you.

I will give it a month only.

Sorry, but either this thread is a wind-up or you're not in any mental/emotional state to be making decisions. Don't do it. Move back in, ask her to move out for a while, while she "gets it out of her system" then see where you are. It will drive you mad, and your children could get very messed up from such a ridiculous and peverse homelife.

Move back in,find your feet and get legal advice asap.

There isnt much point us trying to say much more now because I imagine you are in shock. I hope you can get through the next few days and get to a place emotionally where you find the strength to ask her to leave and mean it. nobody should be asked to live with the scenario she is describing

Heavens! Surely not! have just cross posted. Cuthbert you are about to be used. What is your role in this proposed arrangement? She is just using you. You deserve better. Ask your Mum what she thinks about this arrangement. Surely it will erode your self esteem. What will your children think of you as they grow up and realise what you put up with/ agree to. Your children will lose all respect for you. There are wonderful loving and kind women out there who would love to have a man like you. Cuthbert you are not a doormat, don't let your kids think you are a doormat, find a better woman who will love and value you. Your wife doesn't love you, she is cruel to you, but she would like you to continue paying the bills and doing the childcare. Do you think she is behaving in a loving way to you. Talk to someone, get some telephone counseling, anything that will help you think clearly. Good Luck

This is not real

Oh my. Cuthbert, please reconsider. I'm not criticising you but I really hope you don't go through with this.

Think about it. You are giving her permission to fi what she wants without having to consider your feelings. In fact, you are implicitly agreeing with her that her libido is more important than your feelings.
If at some point in the future you regret making this decision it will be harder to go back on as she will see you as a doormat. It will be harder to get the house and or custody as you will be seen as having enabled her behaviour, even though I know you are doing this to keep your family together in the short term and provide stability for your children.

She is abusive. You are worth SO much more than this.

Please put your DCs first. You are not thinking of them at all, contrary to what you say. You are colluding in their exposure to a horribly confusing situation if you do this. I'm now feeling somewhat sceptical about this thread, but am prepared to give you the benefit of the doubt because you are in shock.

Think like a Father here, not as a spouse.