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Original poster

FB messages between husband and his ex

117 replies

overit · 14/09/2010 08:51

I know, I know this is an all too common cliche, but I need some views as to whether I am overreacting (as my husband says I am) or if he has stepped way over the line of respect and decency.
We have an 11 week old baby, and everything has been great, after a couple of years previously of marital stress and turbulence mainly due to country relocation and work stresses. We separated for a couple of months early last year, but thought we were back on track and conceived and now have bub with work situation completely changed.
We got back home from a family holiday with his parents and I opened Facebook, his account was still open and I read the first message, it was from his ex fiance (20 years ago) when he was about 21. I knew they were facebook friends before this.
The messages from him included asking her:
'what indiscretions she had been up to lately', 'nice photo...mmmmmm' and whinging that he was tired because of the baby.
Her replies included that she would love to see a photo and asking if he was going to be in a particular country for work during certain dates, as she was going there on holiday.
Previous messages from her when he told everyone I was pregnant include:'I understand if you don't feel comfortable chatting anymore'.
I went off my brain, he said that he talked to her via messages about our marriage problems etc, but doesn't see anything wrong with what he has written then or recently.
I see this as an act of disloyality to our marriage, a breech of trust and an emotional affair, he says I am a drama queen and he wouldn't care what I wrote to ex boyfriends etc.,
I have no problem with him talking to a male friend or a platonic female friend about us, but I do have a big problem with this covert and flirty talk, am I being a drama queen?
This blew up 10 days ago, I have held it together but told him we need to talk, when I raised it this morning about talking about it, he said he saw no need to talk about it and that I was just picking a sore to cause drama.

OP posts:
crossingborders · 14/09/2010 08:55

Sounds like unfinished business to me, and I would also be raging in your shoes. You're definitely not 'causing drama' and it's dubious that he's suggesting it's you who is at fault here.

OmicronPersei8 · 14/09/2010 08:57

Personally I think that as you are the person he's married to, he can respect you enough to just never talk to the ex again. If he had to choose it should always be you, surely?

Original poster
overit · 14/09/2010 09:02

Yeah, well that's what I thought as well, but it's hard when you're being told you're over playing it!
Other things as well, I asked if she was married, he said yes, then in the messages she is talking about how close her divorce is to coming through with big smiley faces...uurgh, so he lied about that as well.
It is someone he went out with 20 years ago, we have been together for 12, I don't think I am being overreactive.

OP posts:
TeeBee · 14/09/2010 09:37

I don't really see a massive deal in what seems to have been said but if he now knows you find it uncomfortable he should stop - if he knows what is good for him.

perfumedlife · 14/09/2010 09:47

I just think it's disloyal. He no doubt spoke to her about the separation and associated problems. It's disloyal now, you are back together and sorted with a baby, she is going through a divorce.

They will kid themselves they are being all 'thirtysomething' and mature friends who can put the past behind them and be modern male/famale buddies, sharing and talking through issues.

Bollocks. This is dangerous ground and he knows it.

dignified · 14/09/2010 10:07

I see this as an act of disloyality to our marriage, a breech of trust and an emotional affair,

I would too, how hurtfull of him to whinge to an ex like this . Even more hurtfull is his refusal to discuss it and refering to you as a drama queen. He doesnt get to decide how you should feel or tell you that your over reacting. Does he often try to minimise your feelings ?

If hes not willing to discuss it , or acknowledge that it was wrong , youve got two problems here . One is his disloyalty and the other is his refusal to listen to you or show care and consideration for your feelings , attempting to manipulate you by saying your a drama queen isnt nice.

In your shoes i would try to discuss it again. If he wont , id have a conversation about what he perceives as cheating , what is and isnt ok , for both of you . If you dont accept the answers i think id state that im going to have to rethink whether i want to be in a marriage where someones doing this.

dignified · 14/09/2010 10:10

If youve got an 11 week old baby im sure hes got better things to do then sit on his arse whinging and flirting with her like this.

I think id say he either quits the whinging or he can go and live with her if shes so great.

AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 10:13

Tell him to fuck off to her if he values her so much over you and your baby

I don't think it is the original contact that would make me so raging as such...it is his lofty attitude since that would stick in my craw

how very dare he ?

Tippychoocks · 14/09/2010 10:14

I am almost changing my mind from hating FB to being grateful that it has stopped so many of us wasting our time with cheating losers. Almost.

This is very disloyal and hurtful. For what it's worth, the tone of the messages don't sounds like they've shagged. I do think though that it sounds like he's keeping his options open a wee bit and stoking up his ego.

Having a moan is one thing, having it to an ex and perving over her pictures is not on.
I would be saying that as he can't see how hurtful and worrying to you it is for him to be slagging you to his ex, it would be better if he broke contact and didn't FB.

Original poster
overit · 14/09/2010 10:16

Thanks, it's hard to have perspective when I am being told what I am being told.
I have emailed him and told him, we have a big problem in that we have a chasm between what we both think is acceptable communication and he can come to counselling with me and commit to an honest respectful relationship or we can separate.
I don't need this in my life, we are so lucky to have been blessed with a healthy happy bub, and I'm not going to set a standard of what she should bow to in a relationship.

OP posts:
OnlyWantsOne · 14/09/2010 10:17

for example, Im happy with DP and we are expecting our second child, but if I discussed our relationship troubles with one of my ex's, DP would be destraught and very hurt. I do not think you are being over reactive.

Original poster
overit · 14/09/2010 10:21

TippyChooks, they haven't shagged - they are in different countries.
He will be in the country she is holidaying in next week, and I want to say that I don't want him to have any contact with her, am I OK to ask this? He will blow up and call me paranoid.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 10:23

overit, in your situation, I would be asking him to have no contact with her when he visits her country

if I then later found out that he did....curtains

Tippychoocks · 14/09/2010 10:24

Overit, sorry I missed that bit. That's something anyway?

Well, I would say no contact but how could you possibly know if he did or he didn't?

I know that if you do put your foot down he will moan about you being controlling and paranoid and use that as justification for bad behaviour by the sounds of it.

LadyBiscuit · 14/09/2010 10:24

Well he wants to know who's she's shagging and telling her she looks sexy in photos when you've just given birth so of course you don't want him to meet up with her.

He is being very cruel and twattish. I would be furious and very upset in your shoes.

You're not being a drama queen at all.

Original poster
overit · 14/09/2010 10:28

His Mum who is staying with us to visit the baby, was really supportive at first and today just turned and told me I should get my hormones checked as I am breastfeeding and how I've reacted is not appropriate.
I have brought her ticket home a week forward. I don't need both of them ganging up on me, when she doesn't know a tenth of it.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 10:29

Eww, what a fucking mummy's boy

Did he have a little whinge to mummy too, and ask her to put you right ?

perhaps you should buy him a ticket too Hmm

Original poster
overit · 14/09/2010 10:33

haha AF, if anyone's getting out of this demented country we live in it's me!

OP posts:
Tippychoocks · 14/09/2010 10:34

Shock How DARE he tell his mother? Get your hormones checked? How very fucking dare they.

LadyBiscuit · 14/09/2010 10:38

Angry She what? Oh god I would be so tempted to drop him in it with her - generally women don't approve of their sons flirting with other women when their wives have just given birth

I am very cross on your behalf and I would also be tempted to buy him a ticket

Original poster
overit · 14/09/2010 10:43

His Dad started an affair with his StepMum when he was 2 months old - maybe it's genetic? I would have expected a bit more from his Mum though. I am over the pair of them

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 10:45

Infidelity and disrespect towards women (especially the mother of your child...wtf ???) isn't genetic

it can, however, be a learned behaviour

some men can "unlearn" it

but not those whose nearest and dearest excuse it, and pander to it (and I am including you OP in that, sorry)

Original poster
overit · 14/09/2010 10:47

no offence taken AF, and I was joking about the genes!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 10:49

I know you were joking, but it does kinda put a bigger picture on it, doesn't it ?

Original poster
overit · 14/09/2010 10:52

yep, and also why his moral line in the sand is different to mine

Thanks for all your words, I am actually at work trying to function, so will get back to working now

OP posts: