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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

FB messages between husband and his ex

117 replies

overit · 14/09/2010 08:51

I know, I know this is an all too common cliche, but I need some views as to whether I am overreacting (as my husband says I am) or if he has stepped way over the line of respect and decency.
We have an 11 week old baby, and everything has been great, after a couple of years previously of marital stress and turbulence mainly due to country relocation and work stresses. We separated for a couple of months early last year, but thought we were back on track and conceived and now have bub with work situation completely changed.
We got back home from a family holiday with his parents and I opened Facebook, his account was still open and I read the first message, it was from his ex fiance (20 years ago) when he was about 21. I knew they were facebook friends before this.
The messages from him included asking her:
'what indiscretions she had been up to lately', 'nice photo...mmmmmm' and whinging that he was tired because of the baby.
Her replies included that she would love to see a photo and asking if he was going to be in a particular country for work during certain dates, as she was going there on holiday.
Previous messages from her when he told everyone I was pregnant include:'I understand if you don't feel comfortable chatting anymore'.
I went off my brain, he said that he talked to her via messages about our marriage problems etc, but doesn't see anything wrong with what he has written then or recently.
I see this as an act of disloyality to our marriage, a breech of trust and an emotional affair, he says I am a drama queen and he wouldn't care what I wrote to ex boyfriends etc.,
I have no problem with him talking to a male friend or a platonic female friend about us, but I do have a big problem with this covert and flirty talk, am I being a drama queen?
This blew up 10 days ago, I have held it together but told him we need to talk, when I raised it this morning about talking about it, he said he saw no need to talk about it and that I was just picking a sore to cause drama.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 13:14

yes, tippy, it was making me quite anxious to keep shtum Smile

overit...no offence, you understand

AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 13:15

it's not at all important in the scheme of things, however

just a daft little MN thang Grin

Tippychoocks · 14/09/2010 13:15

No OP, we are not being meanies. Honest.

perfumedlife · 14/09/2010 13:21

Blush Yeah, me too, Bubs isn't my most favourite word either Blush

LadySanders · 14/09/2010 13:21

i don't mind bub. but my exh regularly uses the word 'bubsie-woo' which is hideous (as, indeed, is he)

perfumedlife · 14/09/2010 13:21

Hmm Most favourite? Grin

AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 13:22

Smile @ LadyS' description of hideous exh

overit · 14/09/2010 13:27

Wow, sorry, I had no idea that I was the cause of so much discomfort, haha, now I will feel bad every time I say it.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 13:31
Grin
overit · 14/09/2010 13:32

bubbubbubbubbubbubbubbubbub

OP posts:
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 14/09/2010 13:32

Sorry overit. Didn't realise it was an MN thing. But I was nearly biting through my bottom lip and had to ask. :)

It's your babeeeeee, call it what you like.

Little sod is an MN fave I think :)

AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 13:33

< la la la la la >

perfumedlife · 14/09/2010 13:33

Grin Good to see you can still laugh. All hope is not gone. x

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 14/09/2010 13:35

I think it's because it remind me of bubo (warning gross picture alert]], as in bubonic plague.

Anyway, sorry for that interruption. Was going to start a thread but thought it might sounds really bitchy to you, and that's just what you need eh? :o

Where we were?

Ah yes - DH=tosser.

Have you spoken to him about the holiday yet?

LadySanders · 14/09/2010 13:37

af exh looks like the lovechild of justin fletcher and shrek. it's not good.

AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 13:38

yes, let's not derail

back to business

mrsmillsfanclub · 14/09/2010 13:38

I can totally understand how angry you feel . I went through an almost identical scenario with my husband.
I agree with some of the other posters in that he probably feels that since the baby arrived he is not getting enough attention-but this is definately no excuse!

I may sound controlling, but I would insist he blocks her from his facebook account and has no further contact with her. Im sure it is nothing more than an ego boost for both of them though, especially with her on the verge of divorce. The last thing she'll be interested in is your husband when a new boyfriend eventually comes on the scene.

all the best.

AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 13:40

totally agree, MMFC

young baby=often a flashpoint for immature fuckheads to wail "where is all mmyyyyyy attention...??^

they should not be indulged

overit · 14/09/2010 13:51

Elephants, go for it with a new thread - really, I can't be offended!
The funny thing is he calls the babeeeeee the 3 letter word that shan't be uttered, now I will think of you lot when I am trying to have a serious discussion about our marriage!
Going home soon, not looking forward to it.

OP posts:
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 14/09/2010 13:56

oooh i feel I have to now!

Best of luck overit, try to stay calm and let him be the unreasonable one. Did he tell you about the meeting up with ex, or was that a secret until you read it?

greenballoon · 14/09/2010 14:07

Please do not underestimate what can happen between exes, even if its 20 years on and they haven't met in that time, even if you think that there is a safe (geographical) distance between them which prevents them from meeting.

I speak from bitter experience I'm afraid. Sad

Its been a shit couple of years but we're slowly dealing with the fall out of an extended emotional phone/on-line affair followed by a meet-up.

(it was DH and one of his exes)

AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 14:34

I am really fucking up my italics today Angry

AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 14:35

x-posted...that is horrible, gb

michelle0302 · 14/09/2010 14:45

Well I don't think your over reacting. I know exactly what your going through. I went through the same thing earlier in the year. My partner chatting to his ex on facebook I didn't have a problem untill she started declaring her love for him.

He deleted her at the time when I asked him too but then later found out 4 weeks ago 3 weeks before we were due to get married that he was still in contact with her. He had a different mobile number and everything to keep in touch with her that I knew nothing about.

Needless to say the marriage was cancelled. Still trying to get over the shock of it but I will get over it. It's more the lies and the respect thing as I'm quite sure he hasn't been sleeping with her.

AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 14:48

good for you michelle !